So, I am proud to say there really isn't much to report. We are living a relatively peaceful life these days. I credit the new doc and the new drugs; Oxcarbazepine and Vyvanse. He seems to have the right dosages going, too.
Overall, her grades are OK but she is failing Science for some reason. Unfortunately, she still can't seem to get along at school, so maybe she's just learned to pick her battles at home. (Although one day we had a HUGE altercation at home between her and DH over mayonnaise. It was delightful!) She got detention a couple of weeks ago. She is still bugging the nurse almost daily, but the nurse doesn't bug us anymore. She did jam a finger in PE the other day and apparently the drama got so big at school that the nurse broke down to tell us about it. Later that day, the nurse was gone and a volunteer parent was covering the nurse's office. DD returned to the office and worked her pity scene on the unsuspecting mom who called us and told us that DD broke her finger. *sigh*
DH took her to the doc after school. No break. Of course. Just a jammed finger. They did wrap her finger with a brace and she wears it like a prize. Oh the attention she probably got for that at school.
We had a family gathering in Houston last weekend--usually a family gathering brings out the worst in her--but we had minimal drama and inappropriate behavior. She stomped off a couple of times, but now the extended family even knows to just ignore her baby tantrums. Gives me hope that our camping trip next weekend with these same family members won't be about constantly trying to wrangle her behaviors.
She decided Wednesday night that she WOULD like to go trick-or-treating this year. The costumes were pretty picked over, but she will be a sort of Corpse Bride tonight. DS declared that he would not go this year, but he may get a last minute bug to hit a few houses.
Gearing up for the holidays and our big trip, but this weekend is a "do-nuthin' weekend. We will be busy getting ready for all the upcoming busy weekend, but at least we are home with no scheduled place to be. Something to shoot for next year----scheduled "chill" weekends where we have no other obligations. This year blew past us so quickly, we've vowed to slow down in 2009. The first few months will be difficult with the wrestling season in full force (actually starts in late Nov.) but from March going forward, we strive to....c h i l l
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
New Meds
So, for the first two weeks of school, DD went to the nurse's office 2 to 3 times a day. New teachers. Fresh meat. Even though it states in her IEP that teachers should not let her go to the nurse unless they actually see signs of illness, it was just too soon in the new school year for them to know her tactics. So I get the phone call. The nurse knows her. This is her third year with DD, so she knows the pattern. I told her that I could talk to DD but what she really needed to do was talk to the teachers and let THEM know the history. They are the only ones who can stop her from leaving class everyday.
Then DH took her to her new psychiatrist. He is from Columbia and DH is from Italy, so comprehension on both parts was challenging at times, but overall, DH could tell that the new doc completely understood what he was dealing with. He upped her current medication and added a new one --- new to the market as well--- that he said would yield results within an hour. *sigh*
We are not having any real issues--nothing new at home--- but at school she has at least one altercation a day. Nothing physical yet. Just Jerry Springer mouthing off stuff.
There is good news though. Last weekend I had a wedding to shoot in a neighboring town. We needed my mom to come sit with the kids for the evening--which is usually torture for my mom. This time though, things went smoothly. DD didn't play her too much and she minded mom very well, so that was a relief.
The other tidbit of good news is that DD managed a project by herself pretty well---really well so far. In 6th grade she did a fund raiser for the band and it was a disaster for our home. She didn't get money upfront. She didn't get complete info from folks, then she lost some money, and turned the whole order in late. When the crap came in, it was a real challenge to find out who got what. So, in 7th grade I did not allow her to participate in any fundraisers. Of course, now in 8th grade, she brought another fundraiser home again. I told her the deal was that if she wanted to do this that I wanted nothing to do with it from start to end and if she messed up that she would have to resolve it with her choir director and the neighbors.
She immediately hit the loop and sold several hundred dollars worth of stuff. And she convinced those who didn't want to buy to simply donate cash. She didn't do great with organizing the cash purchases, but the checks helped her late fill in all the missing info. She does have phone numbers and order numbers for all, so should be able to deliver when in comes in. She earned her trip to Six Flags with the choir.
On her blazing sales stump, she met a new girl on the loop. The new girl also needed to sell stuff for her elective, so DD shamelessly went out with her to the same houses, on the same day, and pushed the same people to buy from or donate to her new friend. She may have found the perfect career for herself. Hard core sales.
So, life goes on. Every six weeks we get her braces tightened. Every month we see the new psychiatrist. Next week we get her passport photos. Right now we are all taking a break from therapists.
We don't get excited or react to her dramas and plots. We simply and calmly stop her and redirect her without any emotion -- at least from us -- and go on with our lives, and we are all sleeping a little better. Except my son. He now needs help learning to deal with her. We have deliberately kept him out of the loop in an effort to protect him from much of the ugliness, but now it is time to pull him in, help him adjust, and guide him through how to live with someone you don't trust. And trust is a MASSIVE issue for this guy.
I've given up hope of ever being close to DD, which may be a terrible thing to think or say, but the best I can offer right now is hope that we can all survive each other without too many scars, and hope that even this occasionally awkward relationship we have with DD is better that the life she had before, or the life she would have if she were never adopted. Right or wrong, that is what helps me breathe. That is what helps me sleep. That is what helps me heal some of the damage I've experienced from this whole situation.
Last week I attended the gala premiere of this years Central Texas Heart Gallery. I was a photographer for this event and two of my kiddos were in the gallery. One of the keynote speakers at this event was a beautiful, articulate, intelligent, successful young woman. This incredible young woman aged out of the foster system, having never been adopted. When she was 17, about to turn 18, she asked her foster parents to adopt her, but they said no. Looking at her now you think, how could anyone say no to such a desperately heartfelt request.
The theme of the premiere this year was "What difference does it make?" The answer was, "All the difference in the world." And this young woman brought that home to me.
People always ask why would anyone adopt a 16, 17, or 18 year old. They are about to move out anyway. The Director then asks adults of all ages, when was the last time you called your mom? Did you stop needing parents at 18? Having no parents, no family, no connection. Little things start to matter a lot. Silly things like not having names to fill in the blanks on forms that ask for your mom and dad's names. Not having a place to go home to for the holidays. Not having grandparents for your own children when you get older. They all add up.
Even if all DD gets out of us are names on a form or someone to complain about when her friends complain about their parents, or just having someone to point that teenage angst towards, screaming "My stupid parents!" It is something. Hopefully we will one day mean more to her, but I am ready to accept the fact that we may never be more than that.
Then DH took her to her new psychiatrist. He is from Columbia and DH is from Italy, so comprehension on both parts was challenging at times, but overall, DH could tell that the new doc completely understood what he was dealing with. He upped her current medication and added a new one --- new to the market as well--- that he said would yield results within an hour. *sigh*
We are not having any real issues--nothing new at home--- but at school she has at least one altercation a day. Nothing physical yet. Just Jerry Springer mouthing off stuff.
There is good news though. Last weekend I had a wedding to shoot in a neighboring town. We needed my mom to come sit with the kids for the evening--which is usually torture for my mom. This time though, things went smoothly. DD didn't play her too much and she minded mom very well, so that was a relief.
The other tidbit of good news is that DD managed a project by herself pretty well---really well so far. In 6th grade she did a fund raiser for the band and it was a disaster for our home. She didn't get money upfront. She didn't get complete info from folks, then she lost some money, and turned the whole order in late. When the crap came in, it was a real challenge to find out who got what. So, in 7th grade I did not allow her to participate in any fundraisers. Of course, now in 8th grade, she brought another fundraiser home again. I told her the deal was that if she wanted to do this that I wanted nothing to do with it from start to end and if she messed up that she would have to resolve it with her choir director and the neighbors.
She immediately hit the loop and sold several hundred dollars worth of stuff. And she convinced those who didn't want to buy to simply donate cash. She didn't do great with organizing the cash purchases, but the checks helped her late fill in all the missing info. She does have phone numbers and order numbers for all, so should be able to deliver when in comes in. She earned her trip to Six Flags with the choir.
On her blazing sales stump, she met a new girl on the loop. The new girl also needed to sell stuff for her elective, so DD shamelessly went out with her to the same houses, on the same day, and pushed the same people to buy from or donate to her new friend. She may have found the perfect career for herself. Hard core sales.
So, life goes on. Every six weeks we get her braces tightened. Every month we see the new psychiatrist. Next week we get her passport photos. Right now we are all taking a break from therapists.
We don't get excited or react to her dramas and plots. We simply and calmly stop her and redirect her without any emotion -- at least from us -- and go on with our lives, and we are all sleeping a little better. Except my son. He now needs help learning to deal with her. We have deliberately kept him out of the loop in an effort to protect him from much of the ugliness, but now it is time to pull him in, help him adjust, and guide him through how to live with someone you don't trust. And trust is a MASSIVE issue for this guy.
I've given up hope of ever being close to DD, which may be a terrible thing to think or say, but the best I can offer right now is hope that we can all survive each other without too many scars, and hope that even this occasionally awkward relationship we have with DD is better that the life she had before, or the life she would have if she were never adopted. Right or wrong, that is what helps me breathe. That is what helps me sleep. That is what helps me heal some of the damage I've experienced from this whole situation.
Last week I attended the gala premiere of this years Central Texas Heart Gallery. I was a photographer for this event and two of my kiddos were in the gallery. One of the keynote speakers at this event was a beautiful, articulate, intelligent, successful young woman. This incredible young woman aged out of the foster system, having never been adopted. When she was 17, about to turn 18, she asked her foster parents to adopt her, but they said no. Looking at her now you think, how could anyone say no to such a desperately heartfelt request.
The theme of the premiere this year was "What difference does it make?" The answer was, "All the difference in the world." And this young woman brought that home to me.
People always ask why would anyone adopt a 16, 17, or 18 year old. They are about to move out anyway. The Director then asks adults of all ages, when was the last time you called your mom? Did you stop needing parents at 18? Having no parents, no family, no connection. Little things start to matter a lot. Silly things like not having names to fill in the blanks on forms that ask for your mom and dad's names. Not having a place to go home to for the holidays. Not having grandparents for your own children when you get older. They all add up.
Even if all DD gets out of us are names on a form or someone to complain about when her friends complain about their parents, or just having someone to point that teenage angst towards, screaming "My stupid parents!" It is something. Hopefully we will one day mean more to her, but I am ready to accept the fact that we may never be more than that.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Latest Tactics
The first week of intensive was interesting. After our initial session, DD then had two consecutive nights of teen only sessions, then we returned on Thursday. How delightful it was to see how much she bonded with the two juvies, and to see the joy she took in running and laughing down the halls when they were all sent to pee in a cup for a random drug test. Oh, and the new lingo she learned, it was such a proud moment where we felt like we accomplished so much.
Not.
We sat through another three hours of BS with this crew, only the Juvies and us. The other families were not there that night. After the break, DD again sat across from us, next to her new "friends" and DH said, "No, you come sit over here by us." All three girls attacked him. The other parents were still in the hall, but the therapist got to witness this fine exchange. DH got pissed and said, "No, we are the parents here. We make the decisions here--not you. We are here so she can learn how to live with us, not you, so she needs to come sit over here." To which one of the juvies snarled back at him, while pointing to the other juvie "Well, you're not HER dad, you can't tell HER where to sit!" To which he replied in an eerily calm voice "I don't give a shit where you two sit, I wasn't talking to you." DD moved back over by me.
The two juvies then took over the rest of the session, whining that they wanted to go home, finding excuses to leave the session, over and over again until the therapist said no more--but they still pushed. Once DD figured out what they were doing, she went from extremely engaged in the discussion to a full physical and social transformation. She slid down in her chair, her head fell to one side, and she stopped talking --- realizing her new buds wanted to leave, so she better act that way too. They won. The session ended at 8:15 instead of 9:00. They were in control.
The following Saturday morning, we took DD with us to the other side of town to attend a parent training in a theory that I have long avoided. It is called Beyond Consequences. DD and others were with a kid-sitter and we, the parents, were in a conference room upstairs. The basic theory is that there are only two real emotions, love and fear, and based on that we know that all bad behaviors come from fear and nothing else--no manipulation, controlling, plotting, etc. So consequences should only be the natural consequences, not contrived, unassociated punishments. Our trauma-surviving kids are behaving strictly out of fear, so we should just hug them and love them unconditionally no matter what -- unless their behavior is dangerous. On the other side, when we get angry and lose it, we are also acting out of fear, so we can not help regulate our kids if we, ourselves, are not regulated.
That said, the training was helpful. No miracles or anything, but a few tidbits that did indeed help. The training was done by a couple of women, one a friend of mine, an adoptive mom and teacher who is newly certified to teach this theory. They did a great job, but we all agreed it was a lot to cram into a three hour session and we are all waiting for the next scheduled session. To me, this training is more realistic and should be one of maybe many theories taught to potential adoptive parents, to give them an arsenal of possible tools to use to save all parties involved.
One of the big tidbits I gained was the "aha moment" of I know this kid better than ANY of the specialists we have seen and that I need to stop letting them have control. I think we have suffered more damage at the hands of some of these specialists than we would have if we had sought no help at all. With this new confidence in what I know, we quit the intensive program. I had a couple of hours of conversations with the group therapist, and while she politely disagreed and argued with me, she eventually understood what I was saying. She gave me a couple of references and we actually have an appointment with a very well-renown Psychiatrist on the 16th. He requires all kinds of info from us before seeing her, which while it is a pain in the tush to gather, makes me feel much better about how he will decide about meds and treatments. I am impressed already. I hope I remain impressed.
The other tidbit--probably unintentional--is that there is NO WAY OUT. We have to make this work. We are not alone, and we by FAR do not have it as bad as some. My analogy there is--if you saw my pants leg burst into flame, you would probably scream "you are on fire" and not just say, "oh - yeah, I see the flame, but it isn't that bad yet. It is only your leg." The end result is still the same. I would have lot of pain and a lot of rehab in my future. So, bring in a special needs kid. We have varying degrees of issues, but the end result is the same--we all have a lot of pain and a lot of therapy ahead. The state is not going to take back this kid. Why would they? They are the ones who set us up to fail in the first place. They know exactly what is going on, but challenging and even destroying families is a hell of a lot easier and cheaper that trying to actually help these damaged kids.
So, we are trying not to react to DD. We will respond to her, but not react. And where we are capable of doing so, we try to let only natural consequences occur. Not one thing has changed with DD. Not one. She is exactly the same, but we are not letting it rule our home. We still have to make constant alterations to our usual plans to anticipate triggers and her behaviors, and we are still pretty hyper vigilant ourselves to preempt any problems, and that will likely never change. We just have to figure out how we can all survive this with the least amount of damage to anyone--her included.
I am finally reading the Beyond Consequences book. The letter from the female co-author was painfully familiar to our experience, but my eyes still gaze over some of the extended descriptions in the chapters about love. Maybe I will get better at absorbing some of the details of the theories as we move forward, but some of it just gets nauseating at times and sounds too woo woo and stops making sense to me. I guess that is my fear still at work.
Not.
We sat through another three hours of BS with this crew, only the Juvies and us. The other families were not there that night. After the break, DD again sat across from us, next to her new "friends" and DH said, "No, you come sit over here by us." All three girls attacked him. The other parents were still in the hall, but the therapist got to witness this fine exchange. DH got pissed and said, "No, we are the parents here. We make the decisions here--not you. We are here so she can learn how to live with us, not you, so she needs to come sit over here." To which one of the juvies snarled back at him, while pointing to the other juvie "Well, you're not HER dad, you can't tell HER where to sit!" To which he replied in an eerily calm voice "I don't give a shit where you two sit, I wasn't talking to you." DD moved back over by me.
The two juvies then took over the rest of the session, whining that they wanted to go home, finding excuses to leave the session, over and over again until the therapist said no more--but they still pushed. Once DD figured out what they were doing, she went from extremely engaged in the discussion to a full physical and social transformation. She slid down in her chair, her head fell to one side, and she stopped talking --- realizing her new buds wanted to leave, so she better act that way too. They won. The session ended at 8:15 instead of 9:00. They were in control.
The following Saturday morning, we took DD with us to the other side of town to attend a parent training in a theory that I have long avoided. It is called Beyond Consequences. DD and others were with a kid-sitter and we, the parents, were in a conference room upstairs. The basic theory is that there are only two real emotions, love and fear, and based on that we know that all bad behaviors come from fear and nothing else--no manipulation, controlling, plotting, etc. So consequences should only be the natural consequences, not contrived, unassociated punishments. Our trauma-surviving kids are behaving strictly out of fear, so we should just hug them and love them unconditionally no matter what -- unless their behavior is dangerous. On the other side, when we get angry and lose it, we are also acting out of fear, so we can not help regulate our kids if we, ourselves, are not regulated.
That said, the training was helpful. No miracles or anything, but a few tidbits that did indeed help. The training was done by a couple of women, one a friend of mine, an adoptive mom and teacher who is newly certified to teach this theory. They did a great job, but we all agreed it was a lot to cram into a three hour session and we are all waiting for the next scheduled session. To me, this training is more realistic and should be one of maybe many theories taught to potential adoptive parents, to give them an arsenal of possible tools to use to save all parties involved.
One of the big tidbits I gained was the "aha moment" of I know this kid better than ANY of the specialists we have seen and that I need to stop letting them have control. I think we have suffered more damage at the hands of some of these specialists than we would have if we had sought no help at all. With this new confidence in what I know, we quit the intensive program. I had a couple of hours of conversations with the group therapist, and while she politely disagreed and argued with me, she eventually understood what I was saying. She gave me a couple of references and we actually have an appointment with a very well-renown Psychiatrist on the 16th. He requires all kinds of info from us before seeing her, which while it is a pain in the tush to gather, makes me feel much better about how he will decide about meds and treatments. I am impressed already. I hope I remain impressed.
The other tidbit--probably unintentional--is that there is NO WAY OUT. We have to make this work. We are not alone, and we by FAR do not have it as bad as some. My analogy there is--if you saw my pants leg burst into flame, you would probably scream "you are on fire" and not just say, "oh - yeah, I see the flame, but it isn't that bad yet. It is only your leg." The end result is still the same. I would have lot of pain and a lot of rehab in my future. So, bring in a special needs kid. We have varying degrees of issues, but the end result is the same--we all have a lot of pain and a lot of therapy ahead. The state is not going to take back this kid. Why would they? They are the ones who set us up to fail in the first place. They know exactly what is going on, but challenging and even destroying families is a hell of a lot easier and cheaper that trying to actually help these damaged kids.
So, we are trying not to react to DD. We will respond to her, but not react. And where we are capable of doing so, we try to let only natural consequences occur. Not one thing has changed with DD. Not one. She is exactly the same, but we are not letting it rule our home. We still have to make constant alterations to our usual plans to anticipate triggers and her behaviors, and we are still pretty hyper vigilant ourselves to preempt any problems, and that will likely never change. We just have to figure out how we can all survive this with the least amount of damage to anyone--her included.
I am finally reading the Beyond Consequences book. The letter from the female co-author was painfully familiar to our experience, but my eyes still gaze over some of the extended descriptions in the chapters about love. Maybe I will get better at absorbing some of the details of the theories as we move forward, but some of it just gets nauseating at times and sounds too woo woo and stops making sense to me. I guess that is my fear still at work.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Intensive Outpatient
What an interesting night. We watched her watching the other kids (all girls this week) and modeling their behaviors. Doing things they were doing --- things we've never seen her do. Her usual behaviors were there too -- laughing forcefully at their slightest attempt at humor, trying so hard to win their affection. They were mostly high school girls, a couple fresh from Juvie (Juvenile Corrections) a couple fresh from intensive inpatient for drugs and a suicide attempt, and one who just seemed to be in so much pain and felt unheard--the intensity so difficult for her she left the session.
DD sat like they sat, watching their every moves, and when we had an impromptu break upon the pained girls departure, she moved to a chair closer to them and started chatting it up like they were in a new club together. She agreed with all they said, she immediately made an impression on them, and the two buddies from Juvie chatted and laughed with her--on the other side of the circle, away from us.
When the session began again, DD opted to stay near her new friends. It was her turn now to talk about her feelings. She spun some good tales, and they all encouraged her. She claimed to have no knowledge of why we were there other than she lies sometimes. She didn't really know what the problem was and said they would have to ask us; so they did. And we shared how we had this little survivalist stranger in our house who would not allow us to love her or protect her and who worked very hard to prove how unworthy she is of love and trust, just to prove herself right--that everyone would hurt her and leave her so she is fully justified in only caring about herself and doing whatever she wants and whatever she thinks she needs to help herself. It was interesting to see the groups response, initially defending her a bit, then they themselves started to hear the contradictions in her words and the bizarre circles in her stories. "She was yelling at me and I did not yell back." Then later saying "I only raised my voice, but I was not yelling at her." Then making statements to us like, "I've changed. You may not be able to see it, but I've changed." So the therapist asked her to give a specific example of what changed and she said that she now admits what she has done -- she owns her behavior. I was about to pop. She is so good at picking up on buzzwords and delivering what people want to hear. I asked her to help me understand when she owned her behavior and she snapped "Today, on the way over here."
Then she talked about living with her mom for five years --which she did not, and how she used to think about her future with her mom. I know she had trauma in her youth, but do five-year olds really think about their futures, or just the moment. Hell --- she doesn't even really think about the future now, but no point trying to dispute her version of her past. I need her to understand the reality of her present.
The crowd turned on us a couple of times, too, hearing her words and not understanding the history. They always prefaced their comments with "I know I don't know your story, but..." DH really wanted to correct DD and correct the group, but I told him to hold off, that with four nights a week of this stuff, they will learn it on their own. He doesn't have to be the bad guy trying to paint a realistic picture that is not too flattering for this bubbly little girl they saw tonight.
Tomorrow and Wednesday nights are teens only. I'm sure she will tell a pretty story about us. Then the families meet again on Thursday.
DD sat like they sat, watching their every moves, and when we had an impromptu break upon the pained girls departure, she moved to a chair closer to them and started chatting it up like they were in a new club together. She agreed with all they said, she immediately made an impression on them, and the two buddies from Juvie chatted and laughed with her--on the other side of the circle, away from us.
When the session began again, DD opted to stay near her new friends. It was her turn now to talk about her feelings. She spun some good tales, and they all encouraged her. She claimed to have no knowledge of why we were there other than she lies sometimes. She didn't really know what the problem was and said they would have to ask us; so they did. And we shared how we had this little survivalist stranger in our house who would not allow us to love her or protect her and who worked very hard to prove how unworthy she is of love and trust, just to prove herself right--that everyone would hurt her and leave her so she is fully justified in only caring about herself and doing whatever she wants and whatever she thinks she needs to help herself. It was interesting to see the groups response, initially defending her a bit, then they themselves started to hear the contradictions in her words and the bizarre circles in her stories. "She was yelling at me and I did not yell back." Then later saying "I only raised my voice, but I was not yelling at her." Then making statements to us like, "I've changed. You may not be able to see it, but I've changed." So the therapist asked her to give a specific example of what changed and she said that she now admits what she has done -- she owns her behavior. I was about to pop. She is so good at picking up on buzzwords and delivering what people want to hear. I asked her to help me understand when she owned her behavior and she snapped "Today, on the way over here."
Then she talked about living with her mom for five years --which she did not, and how she used to think about her future with her mom. I know she had trauma in her youth, but do five-year olds really think about their futures, or just the moment. Hell --- she doesn't even really think about the future now, but no point trying to dispute her version of her past. I need her to understand the reality of her present.
The crowd turned on us a couple of times, too, hearing her words and not understanding the history. They always prefaced their comments with "I know I don't know your story, but..." DH really wanted to correct DD and correct the group, but I told him to hold off, that with four nights a week of this stuff, they will learn it on their own. He doesn't have to be the bad guy trying to paint a realistic picture that is not too flattering for this bubbly little girl they saw tonight.
Tomorrow and Wednesday nights are teens only. I'm sure she will tell a pretty story about us. Then the families meet again on Thursday.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Belated update
So, the meeting with the lawyer never happened. Two hours before our appointment, the law office called to say that the 16-year veteran we were to meet with would not be able to make it, but the 5-year newbie could talk with us. Same price, of course. We cancelled.
We then tried to find another lawyer, followed a couple of references, only to find that no one we found really wants a case like this and one even went so far as to end with a parting shot of, "I don't know what to tell you, but you know, she is your child." Thanks! Thanks for your unsolicited, uneducated opinion about a case in which you know nothing. We are going back to the first one and waiting until she is available again.
In the meantime, we signed up to take some parenting training, and today we went to an assessment at a local psychiatric hospital for intensive outpatient therapy. The drag is that it is three hours a night, four nights a week for 5 weeks and we must attend two nights a week. Nobody ever cares about the rest of the family, the impact of such a schedule, just the "best interest of the child." There is more cost associated with this, of course, and the first part of the intake is all about the money. The intensive therapy will consist of group family therapy with yet another therapist--not a psychologist, or psychoanalyst, another therapist. I am a bit burned out. No - that is an understatement. I am beyond cynical at this point. They have an uphill battle to overcome and I know that this will suck beyond all other options we have tried. Maybe a year ago I would be more open to this, but the system and her behaviors have worn me out.
The intake person kept us waiting in a dark, silent waiting room for 45 minutes, without any communication before our intake began. We got off to a rough start, to say the least.
I am also meeting with a couple tomorrow night who know all about reversals in this county and who want to consult us and provide us with names and possible resources. It may seem schitzophrenic to be pursuing therapy and a lawyer or reversal at the same time, but I need some kind of progress to start happening, one way or another. I don't want to waste another year of my family life with no progress. Either we will get help or we will get out.
I guess what is really destroying me is that we had nothing but the child's best interest for so many years, only to be denied help, to be dismissed as having no real problems since she isn't suicidal or homicidal, to be accused of being the root of the problem, to having a therapist suggest that I be medicated. The root of the problem is her disorders which NO ONE has really addressed. They've either drugged, dismissed, or blamed.
We then tried to find another lawyer, followed a couple of references, only to find that no one we found really wants a case like this and one even went so far as to end with a parting shot of, "I don't know what to tell you, but you know, she is your child." Thanks! Thanks for your unsolicited, uneducated opinion about a case in which you know nothing. We are going back to the first one and waiting until she is available again.
In the meantime, we signed up to take some parenting training, and today we went to an assessment at a local psychiatric hospital for intensive outpatient therapy. The drag is that it is three hours a night, four nights a week for 5 weeks and we must attend two nights a week. Nobody ever cares about the rest of the family, the impact of such a schedule, just the "best interest of the child." There is more cost associated with this, of course, and the first part of the intake is all about the money. The intensive therapy will consist of group family therapy with yet another therapist--not a psychologist, or psychoanalyst, another therapist. I am a bit burned out. No - that is an understatement. I am beyond cynical at this point. They have an uphill battle to overcome and I know that this will suck beyond all other options we have tried. Maybe a year ago I would be more open to this, but the system and her behaviors have worn me out.
The intake person kept us waiting in a dark, silent waiting room for 45 minutes, without any communication before our intake began. We got off to a rough start, to say the least.
I am also meeting with a couple tomorrow night who know all about reversals in this county and who want to consult us and provide us with names and possible resources. It may seem schitzophrenic to be pursuing therapy and a lawyer or reversal at the same time, but I need some kind of progress to start happening, one way or another. I don't want to waste another year of my family life with no progress. Either we will get help or we will get out.
I guess what is really destroying me is that we had nothing but the child's best interest for so many years, only to be denied help, to be dismissed as having no real problems since she isn't suicidal or homicidal, to be accused of being the root of the problem, to having a therapist suggest that I be medicated. The root of the problem is her disorders which NO ONE has really addressed. They've either drugged, dismissed, or blamed.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Made an appointment
So - the state kept her at "moderate."
Baptist's Children Home will not admit her.
Our options are running out.
LSSS is trying some other Children's Homes, but I will not hold my breath.
In the meantime, we have an appointment with a Family Law attorney on Wednesday afternoon. We want to hear what our options are from a third-party. Worst case-scenario that we know of at this point is if we choose to dissolve, we get charged with both civil and criminal charges of child abandonment and may possibly get penalized and told to pay child support (up to 25% of our combined income) to support her until she is 18. While all of that SUCKS, it is in our control. We decide if these are consequences we can live with.
If we chose to just wait it out until she is 18, and try to survive her personality disorders, we have no idea what hell she can bring into our lives. Will she falsely accuse one of us of something? Will she commit some crime that we will have to answer to? Will she get pregnant--something else we will have to deal with? Or will we be threatened in some way?
I've been looking at camps, residential treatment centers, military schools, boarding schools and I just can't do it. Tuition ranges from $4500 - $7000 a month!! For that money I would rather go broke buying a mansion with a wing in that she could have all to herself. More likely, I could just buy a crack house and let her live there. 25% of our income is much cheaper than these options--believe me.
Perhaps paying out until she is 18 is a better deal...we don't know. Still looking for answers.
Tonight we made her give back the $40 she stole. You could barely hear her, the little girl was not home, and the dad was a sweetie, letting her off the hook completely. Ugh! He doesn't know any better. He was soooo nice.
Baptist's Children Home will not admit her.
Our options are running out.
LSSS is trying some other Children's Homes, but I will not hold my breath.
In the meantime, we have an appointment with a Family Law attorney on Wednesday afternoon. We want to hear what our options are from a third-party. Worst case-scenario that we know of at this point is if we choose to dissolve, we get charged with both civil and criminal charges of child abandonment and may possibly get penalized and told to pay child support (up to 25% of our combined income) to support her until she is 18. While all of that SUCKS, it is in our control. We decide if these are consequences we can live with.
If we chose to just wait it out until she is 18, and try to survive her personality disorders, we have no idea what hell she can bring into our lives. Will she falsely accuse one of us of something? Will she commit some crime that we will have to answer to? Will she get pregnant--something else we will have to deal with? Or will we be threatened in some way?
I've been looking at camps, residential treatment centers, military schools, boarding schools and I just can't do it. Tuition ranges from $4500 - $7000 a month!! For that money I would rather go broke buying a mansion with a wing in that she could have all to herself. More likely, I could just buy a crack house and let her live there. 25% of our income is much cheaper than these options--believe me.
Perhaps paying out until she is 18 is a better deal...we don't know. Still looking for answers.
Tonight we made her give back the $40 she stole. You could barely hear her, the little girl was not home, and the dad was a sweetie, letting her off the hook completely. Ugh! He doesn't know any better. He was soooo nice.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Service gap...
So, our luck ran out---well, the insurance ran out. I picked her up today. Tomorrow we should hear about our appeal to get her classified as specialized. If the answer is yes, then LSSS can do the paperwork to get her admitted to the local, all-girl RTC, or another RTC if the all-girl place is full. If they decline our appeal, and keep her at moderate, we are told to just continue documenting daily what she does, so we can try this whole loop again.
Husband says he is ready to pay $300 an hour to learn more about our options and possible consequences for dissolving. My neighbor said the going rate for child support in our county is 25% of income. Grrrrrr....
She thinks she is home because she is better. We stripped her room last night so there are no containers and no hiding places. I found more crap that she took from me--stuff I've gone crazy looking for, thinking I must have just misplaced it all. I found other items that I have never seen before. Goodness knows how she got them. We created a rigid schedule for her, although enforcing it will be more work for us, and we detailed some of the rules and consequences.
Just having her in my car was agitating me. Having her back in the house is not a good feeling either. We installed a lock on DS' bedroom last night. He asked that we also hide all the kitchen knives and lock our door at night. He really fears her. While cleaning out her room, I came upon a dream journal TT asked her to keep. One dream was titled "Dead Parents" where we are killed in a car accident and she is pissed that she is an orphan again until she learns that in our will we gave someone else custody. So she goes to live with Kenny Chesney, he buys her lots of beautiful dresses and dances with her and she gets to sing with him on stage.
In another dream, SOMEONE is in the house, using the kitchen knives to stab all of us.
None of what we found in her room last night alleviated any anxiety.
Husband says he is ready to pay $300 an hour to learn more about our options and possible consequences for dissolving. My neighbor said the going rate for child support in our county is 25% of income. Grrrrrr....
She thinks she is home because she is better. We stripped her room last night so there are no containers and no hiding places. I found more crap that she took from me--stuff I've gone crazy looking for, thinking I must have just misplaced it all. I found other items that I have never seen before. Goodness knows how she got them. We created a rigid schedule for her, although enforcing it will be more work for us, and we detailed some of the rules and consequences.
Just having her in my car was agitating me. Having her back in the house is not a good feeling either. We installed a lock on DS' bedroom last night. He asked that we also hide all the kitchen knives and lock our door at night. He really fears her. While cleaning out her room, I came upon a dream journal TT asked her to keep. One dream was titled "Dead Parents" where we are killed in a car accident and she is pissed that she is an orphan again until she learns that in our will we gave someone else custody. So she goes to live with Kenny Chesney, he buys her lots of beautiful dresses and dances with her and she gets to sing with him on stage.
In another dream, SOMEONE is in the house, using the kitchen knives to stab all of us.
None of what we found in her room last night alleviated any anxiety.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
*sigh* New Diagnosis
I think we are recycling labels now. The new psychological assessment shows:
- Bi-polar without psychotic features
- PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
- ODD - Oppositional Defiance Disorder
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Narcissistic Personality disorder
- Hyper-vigilant traits
The Borderline and Narcissistic Disorders are the creepiest, and are rarely successfully treated.
They did get insurance to approve another seven days so they can assess meds. They haven't called me yet, but I assume they will put her on Depokote and Abilify again. Notice that RAD is not in this assessment. There is no drug for RAD and not much that an RTC could do with RAD, so no need diagnosing that one.
More soon...
Friday, June 27, 2008
Another phone call...
She called last night. She calls every night. And every night I let it go to voicemail.
But last night she had a staff member call and leave a message that she wanted to speak to us and say that they would really appreciate it if I called her back. So I called back. I got their voicemail. Then they called again and I asked if something happened or was there a problem, and the staff member told me that there was an incident and that DD was pretty upset and wanted to talk to me. So I accepted the call.
DD got on in hysterics. I couldn't understand her at all. IT took a while for her to speak in a tone I could understand and she was again asking to go home, saying that all the girls there wanted to kick her ass and if she didn't get out soon she was going to go off on them. She said that they told her that when she gets out of there that "it is on!" Whatever that means. So I asked what happened to get to this point with these girls so quickly, and of course she did nothing. They just don't like her, she doesn't know why because she has been nothing but nice to them. This is the same story I have heard about every conflict, physical or not, that she has had since we met her.
I asked her if she recalls living anywhere where she did not have problems. She said no. I asked why she thought that was a reoccurring issue in her life and she said she did not know--that people are just mean to her. She does not get it.
She then said that if we took her home now that she would definitely do everything we told her to do.
I calmly tried to explain that she needed to try to stand in my shoes and see what it might be like for me to listen to someone who has lied to me, defied me, and fought me for three years and see if she would be able to believe that someone. She said, "yeah, but THIS time, I promise!"
I repeated that she had a lot of work to do before I would believe her again, and probably before she would get out. Told her I would not go get her. So then she asked if we were going to go visit her this weekend. I asked her what for. She just wants a visitor. I don't blame her, but no, we will not. I have nothing to say to her, nothing I want to hear from her, and nothing has changed. It is still painful to be around her, and I told her that again this phone call was all about what I could do for her and that she still didn't get it. She has work to do. She will get nothing from me until she shows some progress towards recognizing that there are other people on this planet and recognizing her impact on other people.
The conversation ended very calmly. I asked her not to call anymore, and that whatever she has to say we can discuss at our next therapy session. She said OK, but I am sure my phone will ring again tonight between the hours of 6:00 - 8:00 -- her phone time.
But last night she had a staff member call and leave a message that she wanted to speak to us and say that they would really appreciate it if I called her back. So I called back. I got their voicemail. Then they called again and I asked if something happened or was there a problem, and the staff member told me that there was an incident and that DD was pretty upset and wanted to talk to me. So I accepted the call.
DD got on in hysterics. I couldn't understand her at all. IT took a while for her to speak in a tone I could understand and she was again asking to go home, saying that all the girls there wanted to kick her ass and if she didn't get out soon she was going to go off on them. She said that they told her that when she gets out of there that "it is on!" Whatever that means. So I asked what happened to get to this point with these girls so quickly, and of course she did nothing. They just don't like her, she doesn't know why because she has been nothing but nice to them. This is the same story I have heard about every conflict, physical or not, that she has had since we met her.
I asked her if she recalls living anywhere where she did not have problems. She said no. I asked why she thought that was a reoccurring issue in her life and she said she did not know--that people are just mean to her. She does not get it.
She then said that if we took her home now that she would definitely do everything we told her to do.
I calmly tried to explain that she needed to try to stand in my shoes and see what it might be like for me to listen to someone who has lied to me, defied me, and fought me for three years and see if she would be able to believe that someone. She said, "yeah, but THIS time, I promise!"
I repeated that she had a lot of work to do before I would believe her again, and probably before she would get out. Told her I would not go get her. So then she asked if we were going to go visit her this weekend. I asked her what for. She just wants a visitor. I don't blame her, but no, we will not. I have nothing to say to her, nothing I want to hear from her, and nothing has changed. It is still painful to be around her, and I told her that again this phone call was all about what I could do for her and that she still didn't get it. She has work to do. She will get nothing from me until she shows some progress towards recognizing that there are other people on this planet and recognizing her impact on other people.
The conversation ended very calmly. I asked her not to call anymore, and that whatever she has to say we can discuss at our next therapy session. She said OK, but I am sure my phone will ring again tonight between the hours of 6:00 - 8:00 -- her phone time.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
I hate this...
We had our first "family" therapy with DD today. Ugh! DH and I raced home to get on a conference call. The therapist let DD start with a list of things that she wanted to ask us.
The list was really her list of demands. She wants her make-up, and more clothes, different shoes, and she wants me to list more people on the phone list so she can call people.
After some silence I asked if this was family therapy or DD's shopping list for us? It really went downhill from there, but the interesting thing was that with us not being in the same room with her, she was really mouthy and back-talking like she has never done in a session before. She really exposed herself, big time. We have not met the therapist in person, but she was direct with all of us and called DD on his B.S. It got pretty heated and ended within 30 minutes. I thought it was supposed to be for an hour, but was grateful for the brevity.
Unfortunately, I had to shift gears and get back to work; so did DH. We were both completely distracted and disturbed by the exchange. SHIT!!! She still makes us miserable.
Next week we are calling in again because of the holiday and because we have my MIL visiting for the first time in 20 years. I plan to say as little as possible and let DD continue to hang herself verbally. I do not want to get blown away by this kid every week. Oh yeah - after yelling at me because I told her that I don't believe that she misses me, she said to me in a very snotty tone that she thinks going back to her mom is a good idea. She is so FRIGGIN' DELUSIONAL!!! As if that is even an option. If it was, I would strip our name off her, hand deliver her ass, then move to a new town and go underground so she and her f'd up mother couldn't ever come looking for us or money.
The therapist said she would call later this week to follow-up. There are still so many unknowns. Oh - and this therapist doesn't believe it is RAD, but teenage oppositional definace disorder, and said that RAD was a childhood disorder. Yeah! Right. Whatever. I don't care what they label her, I just don't want her back. The therapist knows there is nothing that can be done with RAD, so maybe this is her way of getting DD to qualify for a longer stay. Somewhere in the conversation today someone mentioned six weeks--which is the first I've heard of--but I don't know any details. Supposedly they are going to do a new psychological assessment on her. Should be interesting to see what new label they come up with now.
I am so sick of this. DH actually called a lawyer again today, after the session. We are really at our wits end.
The list was really her list of demands. She wants her make-up, and more clothes, different shoes, and she wants me to list more people on the phone list so she can call people.
After some silence I asked if this was family therapy or DD's shopping list for us? It really went downhill from there, but the interesting thing was that with us not being in the same room with her, she was really mouthy and back-talking like she has never done in a session before. She really exposed herself, big time. We have not met the therapist in person, but she was direct with all of us and called DD on his B.S. It got pretty heated and ended within 30 minutes. I thought it was supposed to be for an hour, but was grateful for the brevity.
Unfortunately, I had to shift gears and get back to work; so did DH. We were both completely distracted and disturbed by the exchange. SHIT!!! She still makes us miserable.
Next week we are calling in again because of the holiday and because we have my MIL visiting for the first time in 20 years. I plan to say as little as possible and let DD continue to hang herself verbally. I do not want to get blown away by this kid every week. Oh yeah - after yelling at me because I told her that I don't believe that she misses me, she said to me in a very snotty tone that she thinks going back to her mom is a good idea. She is so FRIGGIN' DELUSIONAL!!! As if that is even an option. If it was, I would strip our name off her, hand deliver her ass, then move to a new town and go underground so she and her f'd up mother couldn't ever come looking for us or money.
The therapist said she would call later this week to follow-up. There are still so many unknowns. Oh - and this therapist doesn't believe it is RAD, but teenage oppositional definace disorder, and said that RAD was a childhood disorder. Yeah! Right. Whatever. I don't care what they label her, I just don't want her back. The therapist knows there is nothing that can be done with RAD, so maybe this is her way of getting DD to qualify for a longer stay. Somewhere in the conversation today someone mentioned six weeks--which is the first I've heard of--but I don't know any details. Supposedly they are going to do a new psychological assessment on her. Should be interesting to see what new label they come up with now.
I am so sick of this. DH actually called a lawyer again today, after the session. We are really at our wits end.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
I got a call last night.
From DD. She was crying saying that she missed us and wanted to go back home, or back to the children's home. I played along and let her talk until she revealed what she really wanted---her stuff. When I finally cut her off saying that she didn't really miss us, she yelled back at me saying "Oh yeah? Then why did I cry myself to sleep last night?" And I said, because you are sad for you.
She again said that she wanted to go back to the children's home because they were very nice to her there, and I told her that she blew it. I reminded her that when I took her there that I told her that it was a nice place and that she needed to take advantage of this opportunity to make it work, otherwise she would go to an RTC. She remembered, so I asked her what she did, and she muttered, "got into trouble." From day one to the minutes before we picked her up she got into trouble.
I reminded her of the conversation that we have had over and over again about how if she doesn't behave responsibly, that more and more of her freedoms would be taken from her. I told her that she could get out of there if she did the work to get out of there, but that I can no longer help her and that the children's home is no longer an option for her, and that if she doesn't like it there that maybe she should learn what she needs to do so she doesn't ever go back there, or ever go to jail.
She kept trying to play on my sympathy, whining that she had only had one group therapy session so far and no individual therapy (having heard me complain last time about the lack of therapy she was getting). When that didn't work she cried about all her friends leaving the next day...the "friends" she just met less than 24 hours earlier. I told her new friends would be coming soon and that she would be fine.
It was not a fun call and I will now limit how many calls I accept from her a week. She needs to do the work. I cannot fix her and she cannot fix herself, so maybe her discomfort there means that they MIGHT be doing something right? Maybe they will get some small breakthrough with her? Of maybe she just wants her stuff...
She again said that she wanted to go back to the children's home because they were very nice to her there, and I told her that she blew it. I reminded her that when I took her there that I told her that it was a nice place and that she needed to take advantage of this opportunity to make it work, otherwise she would go to an RTC. She remembered, so I asked her what she did, and she muttered, "got into trouble." From day one to the minutes before we picked her up she got into trouble.
I reminded her of the conversation that we have had over and over again about how if she doesn't behave responsibly, that more and more of her freedoms would be taken from her. I told her that she could get out of there if she did the work to get out of there, but that I can no longer help her and that the children's home is no longer an option for her, and that if she doesn't like it there that maybe she should learn what she needs to do so she doesn't ever go back there, or ever go to jail.
She kept trying to play on my sympathy, whining that she had only had one group therapy session so far and no individual therapy (having heard me complain last time about the lack of therapy she was getting). When that didn't work she cried about all her friends leaving the next day...the "friends" she just met less than 24 hours earlier. I told her new friends would be coming soon and that she would be fine.
It was not a fun call and I will now limit how many calls I accept from her a week. She needs to do the work. I cannot fix her and she cannot fix herself, so maybe her discomfort there means that they MIGHT be doing something right? Maybe they will get some small breakthrough with her? Of maybe she just wants her stuff...
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
OK - she's in...
We got approval for 14 days. The RTC will likely ask for an extension to at least 30 days, then we will wing it from there.
YFT came back with an assessment of Moderate --- not what we needed. So LSS will submit new information including the admission to a psychiatric hospital and possibly the new medications she will likely be prescribed. All of this should help raise her to the Specialized level of care.
YFT came back with an assessment of Moderate --- not what we needed. So LSS will submit new information including the admission to a psychiatric hospital and possibly the new medications she will likely be prescribed. All of this should help raise her to the Specialized level of care.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
So while there is some validation from this experience...
...unfortunately, she will not remain at the residential home for basic care kids.
Yep - the housemom gave me a head's up that DD will not be staying, but she was willing to keep her a few more days while we try to work out some other plan. We have talked about every other day, so while we have been incredibly relaxed, and genuinely happy in the house for the past couple of weeks, I still get my little reminders every other day.
Her behaviors lately have included:
1) I called a residential treatment center (RTC)-- the same crappy one she was in back in September. Why the same one, because they will almost HAVE to let her back in since we removed her "Against medical advice" and they rated her a GAF score of 38 upon dismissal. We should hear Monday if they are willing to do a Clinical Assessment--which means taking off work, driving to Belton, and playing with them for at least half the day.
2) I talked to insurance, and they seemed more likely to cover this particular RTC because they are in-network. They are waiting for the Clinical Assessment.
3) I talked to Lutheran Social Services of the South (LSSS) and they filed papers with another agency -- Youth for Tomorrow (YFT) -- to get DD's Level of Care (LOC) raised from Basic to Specialized. [There are four levels, Basic, Moderate, Specialized, and Intensive --we need Specialized for her to qualify for state funds to manage her costs for three months]
4) If she gets into the RTC, she can stay there as long as she is qualified per the insurance company. When funds end, IF she is at an LOC of Specialized, then LSSS can kick in and we can get her into a local, all-girls RTC that is capable of managing her until she is 18, if qualified.
5) IF we can get her to the all-girl's location, she can stay for the three months covered by LSSS. At some point, determined by LSSS, we can then apply through LSSS for Temporary Management Conservatorship (TMC). TMC is where the state takes partial (and supposedly temporary) custody of the child so that the state can manage the kids treatment resources. It is possible to maintain TMC until the kid is 18, but of course, the ultimate goal is "reunification of the family" so there are still hoops to jump and games to play.
6) IF insurance says NO to the RTC, we have to wait for YFT to make a decision. DD would return to the home while we wait.
7) IF YFT says yes, then IF there are openings at the all-girl's RTC, we can put her there immediately (as of Friday they did not have an opening). IF YFT says NO, then we can reapply and try to strengthen the case for a new LOC. In the meantime, she will be returned to our home.
8) IF everyone says NO, then we have decided to get a lawyer and end this, regardless of the charges filed against us. We are already having to spend an inordinate amount of time fighting, why not fight in a way that gets us to some result. I'm sure it will not be easy and certainly not cheap, but I think we can easily prove that we have exhausted all options, and maybe we can even get folks like the housemom to testify on our behalf. I don't know how all that would play out, and would prefer to not go there, because we all lose then, but we are running out of options.
All of these agencies know, that even if she gets placed until she 18, she still gets better service/treatment if she is attached (literally, not emotionally) to a family. If the adoption is dissolved, I saw the cottage in the back of the RTC where they put the kids that no one goes to see--the unwanted. You'd think that they might remain there until they are 18, since no one is likely to adopt them, but the state has this clever tactic called - EMANCIPATION - where they approach a 16-year old and ask if they would like $1000 and to be emancipated to do whatever they want. So, realistically, a 16-year old could be released to the streets with no life skills, personality and behavior disorders, and $1000 (which sounds like a lot to a kid) to fend for themselves.
They have to go through an emancipation program, but 90% the homeless kids that hang out on the main university drag in town, were either emancipated early, or aged-out of the system. Then we ALL get to pay for their vagrancy and petty crimes to survive. In other words, if the State won't find a way to help her now, the state will take care of her later, probably in a prison. All I know is that I cannot help her in my home, and the BEST that I can do for her is try to get her to a place where she can be treated, taught, and isolated from temptation until she is older. All of her fantasies (written and spoken out loud from under her blankets in the middle of the night, while in the children's home) are about sex, sometimes with multiple people, and about having a baby. She turned 13-years old three weeks ago...
Right or wrong, the goal is to not bring her back into this house --- ever. The extreme difference in our home is too overwhelming to ignore and I will NOT go back to what we had before. Ideally, we will pick her up on Wednesday, drive her to Belton, and get at least a few weeks to a few months there before insurance hits the breaks. By then we will have an answer from YFT, and we hopefully can smoothly transition her to the all-girl's RTC, if they have an opening. If there is no opening, and the Belton RTC still sees a need for treatment regardless of what insurance says, she can stay there and YFT will pick up the tab for three months, or until we can get her transferred to the all-girl's location.
So -- while we sit in limbo, we had a WONDERFUL Father's Day, in peace. On Saturday night, we had my mother over for her birthday, in peace. No drama. No craziness. No skankiness.
Meanwhile, the poor housemom at the Children's home is losing her mind. She vents for an hour plus each time I talk to her. She fears that I won't believe her because it all sounds so crazy, but I assured her that I believed EVERY word she said. She has had about 10 days with DD -- I told her to try 1000!
[Global Assessment of Functioning (GAF) 40-31 Major impairment of functioning in several areas and unable to function in one of these areas (ie., disturbed at home, at school, with peers, or in society at large, eg., persistent aggression without clear instigation; markedly withdrawn and isolated behaviour due to either mood or thought disturbance, suicidal attempts with clear lethal intent; such children are likely to require special schooling and/or hospitalization or withdrawal from school (but this is not a sufficient criterion for inclusion in this category).] http://www.health.nsw.gov.au/policy/cmh/mhoat/outcome_measures/CGASv1.pdf
Yep - the housemom gave me a head's up that DD will not be staying, but she was willing to keep her a few more days while we try to work out some other plan. We have talked about every other day, so while we have been incredibly relaxed, and genuinely happy in the house for the past couple of weeks, I still get my little reminders every other day.
Her behaviors lately have included:
- being in a girl's closet after lights out, requesting to borrow a pair of "really short-short. I NEED a pair of really short-shorts,"
- when asked what she was doing in someone else's room (against the rules) while still standing in the closet with the housemom facing her, she said "I'm not!"
- hanging all over some boys who came to the cottage with their families, from church, to provide an ice cream party for the girls. The housemom had to pull her off of them 5 times. Then she saw one of the other girl's, who was standing next to the boys, mouth to DD the words, "He says he loves you too!"
- saying that the housemom approved the song that she wanted to sing for an upcoming talent show (Carrie Underwood's The Next Time) when the talent show coordinator approached her about the inappropriateness of the song (about cheating and dressing like a tramp, etc)
- speaking out loud, at 2:00, from her bed, a very erotic, sexually-graphic one-sided dialogue about a boy. The housemom thought she was having phone sex with someone, and got DD out of bed and tore it apart looking for a cell phone, but found nothing. DD claimed to be asleep, but both the housemom and I know that she was not. The next day the housemom asked DD to write down her dream and she fabricated this big story about being in college, getting married, and somehow becoming pregnant and having a baby.
- talking to all the girls about this boy on campus, who she has only seen from across the campus and never really met, about how much she likes him. His name was used in the erotic monologue as well.
Apparently DD is hellbent on getting laid and getting pregnant! She is obsessed with boys and getting their attention and most of her problems at the home have been around breaking the rules, lying, and stealing to satisfy her need to look and act like a skank. This is an extremely Christian children's home and they are suppose to only take basic-care kids, not kids with behavior problems, and certainly not kids with personality disorders (although they won't give her the official label of Narcissistic Personality Disorder until she is 18 --- even the housemom called that one, on top of the Attachment Disorder). So, now on to plan B.
While last week at work was one of the most intense weeks, and will be followed up with more next week as we roll out a new software application for people to transition to, I also get to deal with the crap. On Friday alone, I probably made and received a total of 15 calls. This gets kind of complicated now because there are so many possibilities and very little is in our control, and we are entering a world of acronyms. We are at the mercy of others, at this point, but this too shall end.1) I called a residential treatment center (RTC)-- the same crappy one she was in back in September. Why the same one, because they will almost HAVE to let her back in since we removed her "Against medical advice" and they rated her a GAF score of 38 upon dismissal. We should hear Monday if they are willing to do a Clinical Assessment--which means taking off work, driving to Belton, and playing with them for at least half the day.
2) I talked to insurance, and they seemed more likely to cover this particular RTC because they are in-network. They are waiting for the Clinical Assessment.
3) I talked to Lutheran Social Services of the South (LSSS) and they filed papers with another agency -- Youth for Tomorrow (YFT) -- to get DD's Level of Care (LOC) raised from Basic to Specialized. [There are four levels, Basic, Moderate, Specialized, and Intensive --we need Specialized for her to qualify for state funds to manage her costs for three months]
4) If she gets into the RTC, she can stay there as long as she is qualified per the insurance company. When funds end, IF she is at an LOC of Specialized, then LSSS can kick in and we can get her into a local, all-girls RTC that is capable of managing her until she is 18, if qualified.
5) IF we can get her to the all-girl's location, she can stay for the three months covered by LSSS. At some point, determined by LSSS, we can then apply through LSSS for Temporary Management Conservatorship (TMC). TMC is where the state takes partial (and supposedly temporary) custody of the child so that the state can manage the kids treatment resources. It is possible to maintain TMC until the kid is 18, but of course, the ultimate goal is "reunification of the family" so there are still hoops to jump and games to play.
6) IF insurance says NO to the RTC, we have to wait for YFT to make a decision. DD would return to the home while we wait.
7) IF YFT says yes, then IF there are openings at the all-girl's RTC, we can put her there immediately (as of Friday they did not have an opening). IF YFT says NO, then we can reapply and try to strengthen the case for a new LOC. In the meantime, she will be returned to our home.
8) IF everyone says NO, then we have decided to get a lawyer and end this, regardless of the charges filed against us. We are already having to spend an inordinate amount of time fighting, why not fight in a way that gets us to some result. I'm sure it will not be easy and certainly not cheap, but I think we can easily prove that we have exhausted all options, and maybe we can even get folks like the housemom to testify on our behalf. I don't know how all that would play out, and would prefer to not go there, because we all lose then, but we are running out of options.
All of these agencies know, that even if she gets placed until she 18, she still gets better service/treatment if she is attached (literally, not emotionally) to a family. If the adoption is dissolved, I saw the cottage in the back of the RTC where they put the kids that no one goes to see--the unwanted. You'd think that they might remain there until they are 18, since no one is likely to adopt them, but the state has this clever tactic called - EMANCIPATION - where they approach a 16-year old and ask if they would like $1000 and to be emancipated to do whatever they want. So, realistically, a 16-year old could be released to the streets with no life skills, personality and behavior disorders, and $1000 (which sounds like a lot to a kid) to fend for themselves.
They have to go through an emancipation program, but 90% the homeless kids that hang out on the main university drag in town, were either emancipated early, or aged-out of the system. Then we ALL get to pay for their vagrancy and petty crimes to survive. In other words, if the State won't find a way to help her now, the state will take care of her later, probably in a prison. All I know is that I cannot help her in my home, and the BEST that I can do for her is try to get her to a place where she can be treated, taught, and isolated from temptation until she is older. All of her fantasies (written and spoken out loud from under her blankets in the middle of the night, while in the children's home) are about sex, sometimes with multiple people, and about having a baby. She turned 13-years old three weeks ago...
Right or wrong, the goal is to not bring her back into this house --- ever. The extreme difference in our home is too overwhelming to ignore and I will NOT go back to what we had before. Ideally, we will pick her up on Wednesday, drive her to Belton, and get at least a few weeks to a few months there before insurance hits the breaks. By then we will have an answer from YFT, and we hopefully can smoothly transition her to the all-girl's RTC, if they have an opening. If there is no opening, and the Belton RTC still sees a need for treatment regardless of what insurance says, she can stay there and YFT will pick up the tab for three months, or until we can get her transferred to the all-girl's location.
So -- while we sit in limbo, we had a WONDERFUL Father's Day, in peace. On Saturday night, we had my mother over for her birthday, in peace. No drama. No craziness. No skankiness.
Meanwhile, the poor housemom at the Children's home is losing her mind. She vents for an hour plus each time I talk to her. She fears that I won't believe her because it all sounds so crazy, but I assured her that I believed EVERY word she said. She has had about 10 days with DD -- I told her to try 1000!
[Global Assessment of Functioning (GAF) 40-31 Major impairment of functioning in several areas and unable to function in one of these areas (ie., disturbed at home, at school, with peers, or in society at large, eg., persistent aggression without clear instigation; markedly withdrawn and isolated behaviour due to either mood or thought disturbance, suicidal attempts with clear lethal intent; such children are likely to require special schooling and/or hospitalization or withdrawal from school (but this is not a sufficient criterion for inclusion in this category).] http://www.health.nsw.gov.au/policy/cmh/mhoat/outcome_measures/CGASv1.pdf
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Update on the Children's Home
OK - Just got a call from the house-mom. Where to begin...
She went into another girl's room (against the rules) and took a magazine, ripped pages out of it (boys faces) and had the pages laying on her bed. When confronted, she denied doing any of it.
In her closet they found a pair of another girl's shoes. She said she was borrowing them. (So 1-went into another room, 2- took something that was not hers 3- lied about it).
Then to attempt to deflect the attention, accused the shoe owning girl or stealing her razors. Swears that I packed 10 razors and now she only has four (I only packed four).
So - House mom says - if you have 10 razors, why did you ask me for one last night. DD says - "because I don't like these."
DD's bathing suit is a two piece. She must have a one piece, so she told the house mom in training that if she would take her to Walmart to get a new suit, that she could use the $40 I gave her. (I did not give her $40--but the two twenty dollars bills gave it away that this was indeed the other little girl from school's money. DD's birthday money was in smaller bills, so no more confusion there.)
DD is cozy-ing up to the new house mom in training--a sweet, quiet character. DD told this woman that mom's last boyfriend raped her. (Not true and she has NEVER said this before to us or any therapist, police officer, medical examiner, CPS worker, or foster family.)
Not even 48 hours into it.
I asked the mom if these were fatal errors, because our lives are in limbo until we know what the next step is, and she hesitated, and stuttered a bit, but eventually said that she didn't say that DD wouldn't make it, but having three RAD girls in the house might be too much! Ya think!??! Hell--- ONE is too much!
This coming from a woman who is trained for this. She and her husband have been doing this for thirty years, this is their job--this is all they do--no additional work stressers, AND they have JESUS on their side, and they are struggling with her. I said - "welcome to my world. This has been our daily life for the last three years". She then commented that if she could just see a little remorse it might be OK. I told her that she never would, and if she did, then she has powers much stronger than mine. I wished her luck.
I will start working on our back-up plan in earnest now.
She went into another girl's room (against the rules) and took a magazine, ripped pages out of it (boys faces) and had the pages laying on her bed. When confronted, she denied doing any of it.
In her closet they found a pair of another girl's shoes. She said she was borrowing them. (So 1-went into another room, 2- took something that was not hers 3- lied about it).
Then to attempt to deflect the attention, accused the shoe owning girl or stealing her razors. Swears that I packed 10 razors and now she only has four (I only packed four).
So - House mom says - if you have 10 razors, why did you ask me for one last night. DD says - "because I don't like these."
DD's bathing suit is a two piece. She must have a one piece, so she told the house mom in training that if she would take her to Walmart to get a new suit, that she could use the $40 I gave her. (I did not give her $40--but the two twenty dollars bills gave it away that this was indeed the other little girl from school's money. DD's birthday money was in smaller bills, so no more confusion there.)
DD is cozy-ing up to the new house mom in training--a sweet, quiet character. DD told this woman that mom's last boyfriend raped her. (Not true and she has NEVER said this before to us or any therapist, police officer, medical examiner, CPS worker, or foster family.)
Not even 48 hours into it.
I asked the mom if these were fatal errors, because our lives are in limbo until we know what the next step is, and she hesitated, and stuttered a bit, but eventually said that she didn't say that DD wouldn't make it, but having three RAD girls in the house might be too much! Ya think!??! Hell--- ONE is too much!
This coming from a woman who is trained for this. She and her husband have been doing this for thirty years, this is their job--this is all they do--no additional work stressers, AND they have JESUS on their side, and they are struggling with her. I said - "welcome to my world. This has been our daily life for the last three years". She then commented that if she could just see a little remorse it might be OK. I told her that she never would, and if she did, then she has powers much stronger than mine. I wished her luck.
I will start working on our back-up plan in earnest now.
"Consideration Visit" begins
She's in. Well, for a one week trial period, to see if she is a good match.
We took her on Tuesday afternoon. She was very comfortable--a familiar environment for her. We spent a couple of hours talking to the house parents and getting a little tour, then took off. Not two blocks from the house, my phone rang. DD approached the house-mom and said she needed to go to a choir concert in a hour. We had to go back to the house and explain that the concert would not be happening. She lived here now, and no longer attended that school or belonged to that choir. She was fine with that, so we left again.
Then at 9:00 at night I got a call from a girl looking for DD. No one ever really calls for her, so the timing was awkward. I explained that DD was not home, but I could take a message. The girl seemed stressed and frustrated, but eventually said good bye.
A few minutes later, the phone rang again. It was the girl's father, and he was definitely frustrated and angry.
He said there was an incident at school between his daughter and DD and he was trying to get to the bottom of it. Said his daughter wanted a yearbook, so he gave her $40. The school said she couldn't order a book without a form. She shared this story with DD. DD convinced the girl to the money to her and she would use the form that she had to buy the book for the girl. Two class periods later, DD told the girl that the money was stolen from her.
Ugh! Told the man I would call the school in the morning and try to get to the bottom of it. Well, the teacher in charge of final yearbook orders wanted nothing to do with this. She just wanted to be done, so she handed a book to the girl, without question and without researching if DD actually bought a book. So no resolution on that end.
We are not to contact DD for one week, so can't ask her either--not that she would give us the truth anyway. Just knowing her, I believe she either has the cash or has a new yearbook. She would not sit still if she really was a the victim of a theft. I guess it doesn't matter now, but it felt like one last parting shot at our serenity. Makes it easier to let go.
Nothing is final yet. She could easily wind up back in our home, but at that point we pursue other avenues. For now, we can all just breathe a little easier in the house, and in our lives in general.
We took her on Tuesday afternoon. She was very comfortable--a familiar environment for her. We spent a couple of hours talking to the house parents and getting a little tour, then took off. Not two blocks from the house, my phone rang. DD approached the house-mom and said she needed to go to a choir concert in a hour. We had to go back to the house and explain that the concert would not be happening. She lived here now, and no longer attended that school or belonged to that choir. She was fine with that, so we left again.
Then at 9:00 at night I got a call from a girl looking for DD. No one ever really calls for her, so the timing was awkward. I explained that DD was not home, but I could take a message. The girl seemed stressed and frustrated, but eventually said good bye.
A few minutes later, the phone rang again. It was the girl's father, and he was definitely frustrated and angry.
He said there was an incident at school between his daughter and DD and he was trying to get to the bottom of it. Said his daughter wanted a yearbook, so he gave her $40. The school said she couldn't order a book without a form. She shared this story with DD. DD convinced the girl to the money to her and she would use the form that she had to buy the book for the girl. Two class periods later, DD told the girl that the money was stolen from her.
Ugh! Told the man I would call the school in the morning and try to get to the bottom of it. Well, the teacher in charge of final yearbook orders wanted nothing to do with this. She just wanted to be done, so she handed a book to the girl, without question and without researching if DD actually bought a book. So no resolution on that end.
We are not to contact DD for one week, so can't ask her either--not that she would give us the truth anyway. Just knowing her, I believe she either has the cash or has a new yearbook. She would not sit still if she really was a the victim of a theft. I guess it doesn't matter now, but it felt like one last parting shot at our serenity. Makes it easier to let go.
Nothing is final yet. She could easily wind up back in our home, but at that point we pursue other avenues. For now, we can all just breathe a little easier in the house, and in our lives in general.
Monday, June 2, 2008
One more day....?
So, last Thursday was a good day! Not only did I find out that my DS is exempt from all of his finals because of his grades in class and on the state assessment tests, but I heard from the Children's Home and they can take her earlier!! She will miss the last two days of school, since our district goes longer, but seriously --- what happens in the last days of schools that could be so important.
So, come Tuesday, I will go home at noon, pack her bags,pick her up from school a little early, and DH & I will go take her for her consideration visit. This is still not a done deal, but closer to some sort of resolution.
Then Saturday, DH & DS went to Home Depot and I was out in the backyard. DD saw it as an opportunity to break another rule--and she would have gotten away with it too, if she were a little brighter.
When I came back into the house, the phone rang, and I heard her run to her door upstairs. I could see from the caller ID that it was the same boy that we've told multiple times not to call, explaining over and over that she does not take calls from boys. He then threw her under the bus saying that she called him and told him to call. I explained again that he is not to call, no matter what she says.
From downstairs I yelled up to her to stay off the phone. She came half way down the stairs to argue her case--saying she wasn't on the phone and that she never gave him her number and that she never told him to call. So I went upstairs to my bedroom phone and hit redial. Guess who's number came up? Yep - the boys. Argggh!
A few minutes later, he called again. I then got mean--this has gone on for about a month now. I asked if her were "slow." He said, "huh?" I asked what part of "do not call again" was confusing to him and offered to help explain it to him in further detail. Eventually he hung up on me.
Later that night, around 10:00 PM., an adult female called and simply said "Who is this!??" My DH asked back - "Who is this??? You called me. Who are you!!??" There was some confusion and he asked, "are you __________ mother?" And she hung up.
About ten minutes later the phone rang again, this time with the boy's caller ID again. I answered and it was the adult female again. She started off really huffy, complaining that she was tired of the inappropriate messages being left by DD on her son's answering message. She was tired of the late night text messages coming in from her (from last weekend when she used her cousin's phone to text and call). Then the woman started defending her son as a good boy and how she only allows him appropriate interaction with girls and DD asking him to secretly meet her in the "ditch" a block away from our home was inappropriate.
I apologized for DD's behavior and stated that this was a challenge we have and that while we are battling this, I would appreciate it if she could get her son to comply with our requests to not call regardless of what DD says. She was still snippy with me.
So I dumped a little on her, letting her know that we adopted DD three years ago, that she has some issues that we are working with, and that this was our rule as her parents and that it didn't have anything to do with her or her son. The she dumped back on me. Good gosh...
This woman was s3xually and physically abused all her life and watched her father abuse and attempt to kill her mother numerous times. Then she ran away when she was 15 and eventually lived with a 28-year old. Gave up her first born for adoption. Then had her son later with someone who was also abusive and she moved here with her son all by herself. She wanted to meet with me. She wanted to advise me. She wants to go back to school to be a therapist to help children of abuse. Her son is bi-polar, ADHD, and depressed and she thinks that our kids just want to talk with each other and that this would be a good thing. Dang! Didn't she just say my DD wanted to meet her son in a ditch!?!? That is a little more than TALKING. She also said she took her son to therapists out of town, not finding any here that she liked. She also mentioned that she took him to the very residential treatment center DD attended last fall. *sigh*
I could not end this call. I was trying to be sensitive to her feelings and apologized for dredging up all this stuff for her, but she wanted to meet for coffee!!! I had to delicately back out saying that we just have way too much going on right now. she continued to share her past and talk about how Jesus got her through it all and that Jesus may have brought these kids together so they can help each other. I tried to explain to her that while that sounded logical, that logic does not apply here, that until DD shows that she can make responsible decisions, we cannot allow her to make her own decisions about being with a boy.
This was such a painfully awkward call. I thanked her over and over for calling and kept encouraging her. I also tried to reinforce our need for her to support our decision as a parent to not have the kids call each other. DD JUST turned 13 last weekend. Most girls can probably handle calls from boys at this age. DD is not most girls.
Hopefully the calls will subside, especially since DD will not be here, at least for a week, possibly longer.Tomorrow is not the end to this struggle; simply a new chapter. Hopefully a chapter that is beneficial for all parties--not just the welfare of the child.
So, come Tuesday, I will go home at noon, pack her bags,pick her up from school a little early, and DH & I will go take her for her consideration visit. This is still not a done deal, but closer to some sort of resolution.
Then Saturday, DH & DS went to Home Depot and I was out in the backyard. DD saw it as an opportunity to break another rule--and she would have gotten away with it too, if she were a little brighter.
When I came back into the house, the phone rang, and I heard her run to her door upstairs. I could see from the caller ID that it was the same boy that we've told multiple times not to call, explaining over and over that she does not take calls from boys. He then threw her under the bus saying that she called him and told him to call. I explained again that he is not to call, no matter what she says.
From downstairs I yelled up to her to stay off the phone. She came half way down the stairs to argue her case--saying she wasn't on the phone and that she never gave him her number and that she never told him to call. So I went upstairs to my bedroom phone and hit redial. Guess who's number came up? Yep - the boys. Argggh!
A few minutes later, he called again. I then got mean--this has gone on for about a month now. I asked if her were "slow." He said, "huh?" I asked what part of "do not call again" was confusing to him and offered to help explain it to him in further detail. Eventually he hung up on me.
Later that night, around 10:00 PM., an adult female called and simply said "Who is this!??" My DH asked back - "Who is this??? You called me. Who are you!!??" There was some confusion and he asked, "are you __________ mother?" And she hung up.
About ten minutes later the phone rang again, this time with the boy's caller ID again. I answered and it was the adult female again. She started off really huffy, complaining that she was tired of the inappropriate messages being left by DD on her son's answering message. She was tired of the late night text messages coming in from her (from last weekend when she used her cousin's phone to text and call). Then the woman started defending her son as a good boy and how she only allows him appropriate interaction with girls and DD asking him to secretly meet her in the "ditch" a block away from our home was inappropriate.
I apologized for DD's behavior and stated that this was a challenge we have and that while we are battling this, I would appreciate it if she could get her son to comply with our requests to not call regardless of what DD says. She was still snippy with me.
So I dumped a little on her, letting her know that we adopted DD three years ago, that she has some issues that we are working with, and that this was our rule as her parents and that it didn't have anything to do with her or her son. The she dumped back on me. Good gosh...
This woman was s3xually and physically abused all her life and watched her father abuse and attempt to kill her mother numerous times. Then she ran away when she was 15 and eventually lived with a 28-year old. Gave up her first born for adoption. Then had her son later with someone who was also abusive and she moved here with her son all by herself. She wanted to meet with me. She wanted to advise me. She wants to go back to school to be a therapist to help children of abuse. Her son is bi-polar, ADHD, and depressed and she thinks that our kids just want to talk with each other and that this would be a good thing. Dang! Didn't she just say my DD wanted to meet her son in a ditch!?!? That is a little more than TALKING. She also said she took her son to therapists out of town, not finding any here that she liked. She also mentioned that she took him to the very residential treatment center DD attended last fall. *sigh*
I could not end this call. I was trying to be sensitive to her feelings and apologized for dredging up all this stuff for her, but she wanted to meet for coffee!!! I had to delicately back out saying that we just have way too much going on right now. she continued to share her past and talk about how Jesus got her through it all and that Jesus may have brought these kids together so they can help each other. I tried to explain to her that while that sounded logical, that logic does not apply here, that until DD shows that she can make responsible decisions, we cannot allow her to make her own decisions about being with a boy.
This was such a painfully awkward call. I thanked her over and over for calling and kept encouraging her. I also tried to reinforce our need for her to support our decision as a parent to not have the kids call each other. DD JUST turned 13 last weekend. Most girls can probably handle calls from boys at this age. DD is not most girls.
Hopefully the calls will subside, especially since DD will not be here, at least for a week, possibly longer.Tomorrow is not the end to this struggle; simply a new chapter. Hopefully a chapter that is beneficial for all parties--not just the welfare of the child.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Latest news on the Children's Home
I finally talked to the caseworker (I called her) and she explained that a "consideration visit" is where the kid spends a week there to see if she is a good fit before they commit to placement. A week will be a good test, but unfortunately, may reveal behaviors that they are not willing to tolerate. :( Hopefully not. Hopefully she will be so excited to have all these new people (what we like to call 'fresh meat') available to her. And sharing the living quarters with seven other girls in the cottage could be like a slumber party! We won't tell her until we are driving there, and I will pitch it like summer camp (which it will be like in the summer, unless she has to go to summer school because of the two classes she's decided to quit doing the work for, and is failing). I will let her know that if she blows it here, her next stop is a residential treatment center---and she knows what that is like.
This place is pretty nice and has a great set-up. While there are no beds available now, they anticipate one or two opening when school lets out. We have a tentative meeting scheduled for June 6th. Hopefully that date will stick. The cottage they intend for her has a house couple that lives there for several weeks in a row, in an attached appartment. Then for one week, they lock their attached door and the respite apartment opens to the cottage and another couple takes it on for a week. The long-term couple have been there almost 30 years, so they know their stuff and apparently run a tight ship. I was told she only needed some clothes, and then a couple of nice outfits for church every Sunday. No expensive electronics or such. Should be interesting.
Since she wears the same 5-7 shirts every week and this week wore her new pair of jeans all five days, having a limited number of outfits in an institution should not be a big deal.
A friend of mine who is about to become a licensed foster respite parent had no plans for the weekend and offered to take DD for Friday night and most of Saturday--sort of a practice session for my friend. I hesitated to say yes, not wanting to jeopardize our relationship, but she insisted. So, over the long weekend, we will get a little break from the drama. Yeah!
Still counting down, but not getting too excited. At a minimum we should get a week long break from DD in June, but we really hope and pray that she sticks, and stays longer. They have a 9-12 month program with some kids staying longer. In that time we will work with LSS to get the state to take back partial custody so they can provide long-term care until she is 18.
This place is pretty nice and has a great set-up. While there are no beds available now, they anticipate one or two opening when school lets out. We have a tentative meeting scheduled for June 6th. Hopefully that date will stick. The cottage they intend for her has a house couple that lives there for several weeks in a row, in an attached appartment. Then for one week, they lock their attached door and the respite apartment opens to the cottage and another couple takes it on for a week. The long-term couple have been there almost 30 years, so they know their stuff and apparently run a tight ship. I was told she only needed some clothes, and then a couple of nice outfits for church every Sunday. No expensive electronics or such. Should be interesting.
Since she wears the same 5-7 shirts every week and this week wore her new pair of jeans all five days, having a limited number of outfits in an institution should not be a big deal.
A friend of mine who is about to become a licensed foster respite parent had no plans for the weekend and offered to take DD for Friday night and most of Saturday--sort of a practice session for my friend. I hesitated to say yes, not wanting to jeopardize our relationship, but she insisted. So, over the long weekend, we will get a little break from the drama. Yeah!
Still counting down, but not getting too excited. At a minimum we should get a week long break from DD in June, but we really hope and pray that she sticks, and stays longer. They have a 9-12 month program with some kids staying longer. In that time we will work with LSS to get the state to take back partial custody so they can provide long-term care until she is 18.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Gosh I am tired
So yesterday we get a call from the junior high. DD got into a fist fight with another girl in CLASS!! Sounds like she got her tail kicked and while the other girl was making contact with a lot of her punches, DD was busy digging her nails into the other girl. IN THE CLASSROOM! Both girls got 3-days of in-school detention and were put on behavior contracts. This kind of behavior might immediately disqualify her from the local children's home we are trying to get her into. Nice timing! Another proud moment for us.
So today I learned that the home DID accept her, but need to do a "consideration visit" with us. What that exactly means, no one has explained yet, but apparently they assigned her an internal case worker and are holding a bed for her. However, they want to wait until school is out to avoid any confusion. So twenty more days until we do our "visit" and then hopefully she is in! This is only the first step, and while it does give us some hope, we are cautious about relaxing just yet. We have experienced too many other false starts to believe this one just yet. Hopefully we can keep yesterday's fight on the down-low, but you never know what she will choose to brag about in an interview. I just hope they don't ask...
Oh yeah -- looks like she shaved her eyebrows again, too! That will help her blend with the other children, I'm sure!
So today I learned that the home DID accept her, but need to do a "consideration visit" with us. What that exactly means, no one has explained yet, but apparently they assigned her an internal case worker and are holding a bed for her. However, they want to wait until school is out to avoid any confusion. So twenty more days until we do our "visit" and then hopefully she is in! This is only the first step, and while it does give us some hope, we are cautious about relaxing just yet. We have experienced too many other false starts to believe this one just yet. Hopefully we can keep yesterday's fight on the down-low, but you never know what she will choose to brag about in an interview. I just hope they don't ask...
Oh yeah -- looks like she shaved her eyebrows again, too! That will help her blend with the other children, I'm sure!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
They lost it...
So, last week we worked with Lutheran Social Services to complete and submit an application to a local children's home. The home reviews applicants on Thursdays. Last time, when they rejected her, they got back to us on Monday. This time, Monday came and went without a word, so today I called Lutheran to see it they heard anything, but I only got voicemail. DH & I went to see TT again today. It was a bizarre, rather useless session except for one thing. He called Lutheran and got through. The case worker agreed to call and find out what is going on. She soon called back saying that the intake manager "believed" that she was accepted, but wanted to confirm and would let us know before the end of the day.
When I got back to the office, I got a call from Lutheran's saying that the home can't seem to find her application. Doesn't think they DID review her app last week, and asked that Lutheran's resubmit it. So, now we wait for another Thursday review. Don't know if their mistake will maybe make them a little more open to receiving her or not, but this is just more of the same disappointment from these agencies that are so often inept.
In the session, TT voiced concern for DD since we don't really engage her. I told him that is not at all what I would call a healthy relationship, but that THIS was OUR survival mode now. So while everyone is so concerned with the best interests of the child, but not concerned at all on the impact she has on our family that we had to take measures to protect ourselves. Trying to have a simple conversation with her quickly becomes a painful exercise--and what would we talk about? What she plotted Friday while my mom babysat? Why she likes to dress like a ragged orphan everyday? Why she insists on breaking every rule, every chance she gets?
She has taught me that nothing I say matters or changes anything. The very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I'm done with that cycle.
So anyway - once again -- cross your fingers and send good thoughts. It almost sounded like we were in today, so maybe that is an indication of things to come...
When I got back to the office, I got a call from Lutheran's saying that the home can't seem to find her application. Doesn't think they DID review her app last week, and asked that Lutheran's resubmit it. So, now we wait for another Thursday review. Don't know if their mistake will maybe make them a little more open to receiving her or not, but this is just more of the same disappointment from these agencies that are so often inept.
In the session, TT voiced concern for DD since we don't really engage her. I told him that is not at all what I would call a healthy relationship, but that THIS was OUR survival mode now. So while everyone is so concerned with the best interests of the child, but not concerned at all on the impact she has on our family that we had to take measures to protect ourselves. Trying to have a simple conversation with her quickly becomes a painful exercise--and what would we talk about? What she plotted Friday while my mom babysat? Why she likes to dress like a ragged orphan everyday? Why she insists on breaking every rule, every chance she gets?
She has taught me that nothing I say matters or changes anything. The very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I'm done with that cycle.
So anyway - once again -- cross your fingers and send good thoughts. It almost sounded like we were in today, so maybe that is an indication of things to come...
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Happy Birthday to Me
So yesterday we went to see TT -- just DH and I. A completely different mood this time. He wrote me last week saying that he heard that we did not immediately place DD in a facilty and wanted to talk to us about continuing therapy in the interim. TT wanted to know what our plan was and how he could help. We told him that we should know by Monday if DD is accepted into a local, long-term children's home. If she is not, we would pursue a residential treatment center again. He is now our mentor, our coach to help get her into a long term facility and keep her there until she is 18. He advised us on what to do and not do, what to say and not say, and offered that if we ever had any questions to call or email him and he would be happy to counsel us.
He told us to not get in the way...here is what he meant.
When the facility calls to get permission to medicate her, I planned to say, "no--get to know her for 30 days before you medicate her." He told me to do no such thing. Said that would show that we were still invested in her and the facility would interpret that as a need to get her back into the house. He said to let them drug her--and commented that of course they wouldn't give her a lethal dosage, so let go.
I told him that I wanted some kind of assurance that this would be a long-term placement -- a year at a minimum-- because I don't want to get her back in 30 days all drugged up and with new, ganster behaviors. He said to let her go to any place she is accepted for as long as they will take her--even if it is only 24 hours. He said that we are trying to build a case and even if she is only in for a few hours, showing that, for example, she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital seven times in one year only helped our case.
Again - he told me to not get in the way of the plan. He said we had done the hard part of making a decision and now we needed to stick with it. Told us to not go visit her other than the mandated family therapy sessions. Told us to just flat out say NO to including DS in the sessions. I told him that I did that last time and that is what started all the problems. He said they cannot force the issue, but as I recall it was our insurance saying that everyone in the home had to be in the sessions, so we may have a battle at hand.
He offered to continue seeing us -- just us--to help us through this process and to help us with the grieving process; and there is definitely some grief here. I think I have already grieved a lot, but there is still something really powerful, just under the surface, that caused me to burst into tears just upon hearing him offering to help us through the grief.
It seems that once we made this decision, he changed positions. He is no longer attempting to help us unite with DD, he is now attempting to help us survive all of this. He seems to now be the advocate that we were told we would have 9 months ago--only not to help dissolve the adoption, just to get her out of our house permanently.
The way this works, supposedly, is if she gets into this local facility, they will accept the minimal payment, and we are OK with that. The local program is set up for 9 - 12 months. During those 9 months, Lutheran Social Services will start the paperwork to apply for the state of Texas to take back "temporary custody" of DD, allowing the State to then pay for a much longer solution -- basically a girls home until she is 18.
If she is not accepted to the local place, we will then apply to the same residential treatment center (RTC) she was in last time. Why the same one? Well, because the battle is the same -- she has too many issues for this local place, but not enough issues for a RTC. The catch -- the stupid place she was in last time, the place that fought me so hard while I was trying to get her admitted, upon our removing her from that facility, made us sign a medical release form stating that we were removing her against their medical advice and in the exit evaluation they did on DD they gave her a GAF score of 38 (out of 100) which is barely functioning and they were basically medicating her for Bi-polar disorder. They would have a lot of explaining to do if they now said that she did not qualify--but I suppose it is always possible that they still could not accept her. Nothing surprises me anymore with these places. So - she would go in under our insurance, until it maxed out. Then Lutheran would pay for another 3 months, and in all that time Lutheran would be working on that same application to get the state to take temporary custody so they can then be responsible for her care.
Then, until she is 18, we could be the "Disney Parent" usually described in divorces. We could be the ones doing the monthly visit of taking her out to eat or getting her a gift and since we would no longer be her authority figure, she just might like us then. She might actually thrive in an institution with no familial expectations, or love expectations. She would just have to take care of herself and not think about anybody else--and she is pretty good at that.
So, send lots of good vibes tomorrow while DDs application goes through the review process. This local facility would be the best for multiple reasons, but this is the same place that rejected her back in September for having too many issues. This would be the best for her and for us, so while I have no high hopes or expectations, it sure would make life easier and I will calmly wait for their decision.
He told us to not get in the way...here is what he meant.
When the facility calls to get permission to medicate her, I planned to say, "no--get to know her for 30 days before you medicate her." He told me to do no such thing. Said that would show that we were still invested in her and the facility would interpret that as a need to get her back into the house. He said to let them drug her--and commented that of course they wouldn't give her a lethal dosage, so let go.
I told him that I wanted some kind of assurance that this would be a long-term placement -- a year at a minimum-- because I don't want to get her back in 30 days all drugged up and with new, ganster behaviors. He said to let her go to any place she is accepted for as long as they will take her--even if it is only 24 hours. He said that we are trying to build a case and even if she is only in for a few hours, showing that, for example, she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital seven times in one year only helped our case.
Again - he told me to not get in the way of the plan. He said we had done the hard part of making a decision and now we needed to stick with it. Told us to not go visit her other than the mandated family therapy sessions. Told us to just flat out say NO to including DS in the sessions. I told him that I did that last time and that is what started all the problems. He said they cannot force the issue, but as I recall it was our insurance saying that everyone in the home had to be in the sessions, so we may have a battle at hand.
He offered to continue seeing us -- just us--to help us through this process and to help us with the grieving process; and there is definitely some grief here. I think I have already grieved a lot, but there is still something really powerful, just under the surface, that caused me to burst into tears just upon hearing him offering to help us through the grief.
It seems that once we made this decision, he changed positions. He is no longer attempting to help us unite with DD, he is now attempting to help us survive all of this. He seems to now be the advocate that we were told we would have 9 months ago--only not to help dissolve the adoption, just to get her out of our house permanently.
The way this works, supposedly, is if she gets into this local facility, they will accept the minimal payment, and we are OK with that. The local program is set up for 9 - 12 months. During those 9 months, Lutheran Social Services will start the paperwork to apply for the state of Texas to take back "temporary custody" of DD, allowing the State to then pay for a much longer solution -- basically a girls home until she is 18.
If she is not accepted to the local place, we will then apply to the same residential treatment center (RTC) she was in last time. Why the same one? Well, because the battle is the same -- she has too many issues for this local place, but not enough issues for a RTC. The catch -- the stupid place she was in last time, the place that fought me so hard while I was trying to get her admitted, upon our removing her from that facility, made us sign a medical release form stating that we were removing her against their medical advice and in the exit evaluation they did on DD they gave her a GAF score of 38 (out of 100) which is barely functioning and they were basically medicating her for Bi-polar disorder. They would have a lot of explaining to do if they now said that she did not qualify--but I suppose it is always possible that they still could not accept her. Nothing surprises me anymore with these places. So - she would go in under our insurance, until it maxed out. Then Lutheran would pay for another 3 months, and in all that time Lutheran would be working on that same application to get the state to take temporary custody so they can then be responsible for her care.
Then, until she is 18, we could be the "Disney Parent" usually described in divorces. We could be the ones doing the monthly visit of taking her out to eat or getting her a gift and since we would no longer be her authority figure, she just might like us then. She might actually thrive in an institution with no familial expectations, or love expectations. She would just have to take care of herself and not think about anybody else--and she is pretty good at that.
So, send lots of good vibes tomorrow while DDs application goes through the review process. This local facility would be the best for multiple reasons, but this is the same place that rejected her back in September for having too many issues. This would be the best for her and for us, so while I have no high hopes or expectations, it sure would make life easier and I will calmly wait for their decision.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Today's Headlines
Just a quick look at CNN and the headlines jumped out at me. So much abuse taking place. So many damaged people in the world. It is all devastating and no one deserves such treatment, but once the damage is done, intensive treatment is mandatory. Simply removing the victim from the abuse, medicating them, and shipping them off to some well-meaning family is not a solution. This process only spreads the pain and the destruction.
Seeing what horrors exist for children, it also maddens me that because we cannot repair the years of damage done to the child in our home, we are now the bad guys. After years of abuse and neglect from her birth family and further years of neglect, cover-up, and instability from the state's custody, we are just the last one holding the bag and get to pay the price. If we try to return this child to the state and demand that THEY do something REAL to help this kid, we are then charged with criminal and civil child abandonment. These charges would definitely keep us from ever adopting again --- not something we are really considering anyway --- but could also hurt our careers and possibly our finances. Because we've given it an exhausting try for almost three years and now realize that we cannot help her, we get to be the criminals. She has never lived anywhere as long as she has lived with us. She has never attended the same school for more than one year, but has attended 5th - 7th grade here. She is settled in some ways, and she wants to hold on to that--to her school, her routine, but she has no desire to hold on to us. She would like to be placed in another home in the same neighborhood or sent to boarding school. She really does not understand the issue here. Her whole life has been high drama, incompatability, and getting into trouble. She cannot understand why we want change. Her personality disorders worked for her--they helped her survive. She cannot let them go and will not let them go. She does not want to change.
Seeing what horrors exist for children, it also maddens me that because we cannot repair the years of damage done to the child in our home, we are now the bad guys. After years of abuse and neglect from her birth family and further years of neglect, cover-up, and instability from the state's custody, we are just the last one holding the bag and get to pay the price. If we try to return this child to the state and demand that THEY do something REAL to help this kid, we are then charged with criminal and civil child abandonment. These charges would definitely keep us from ever adopting again --- not something we are really considering anyway --- but could also hurt our careers and possibly our finances. Because we've given it an exhausting try for almost three years and now realize that we cannot help her, we get to be the criminals. She has never lived anywhere as long as she has lived with us. She has never attended the same school for more than one year, but has attended 5th - 7th grade here. She is settled in some ways, and she wants to hold on to that--to her school, her routine, but she has no desire to hold on to us. She would like to be placed in another home in the same neighborhood or sent to boarding school. She really does not understand the issue here. Her whole life has been high drama, incompatability, and getting into trouble. She cannot understand why we want change. Her personality disorders worked for her--they helped her survive. She cannot let them go and will not let them go. She does not want to change.
Monday, April 28, 2008
In my home
Think of someone in your past that you have had a conflict with--someone who you think or know hates you. Someone you've never been compatible with. There must be someone--an old neighbor, someone you fired, a co-worker you never clicked with, an ex. Think about that feeling--hate.
Then give that person who hates you the characteristics of no conscience, no remorse, no comprehension or concern for consequences. Make that someone have grandiose fantasies of self-worth and entitlement.
Now put yourself in a position to police that person, for their own protection and your own, causing that person to have stronger feelings of hate and resentment for you.
Now place that person in your home, at night, while you sleep.
___________________________________________________________
Think you will sleep soundly? Think you will be in a healthy state of mind and body?
___________________________________________________________
Now have others call you about this person's behavior outside of the home--wanting you to fix it, or at least hear them vent about it. You now have to answer to this person's problems in other social settings. You are considered part of the problem as you "raised" this person in your home--or so they think.
Then think of people in your immediate circle being affected by this person. Think of your family, your extended family, your neighbors, your community all looking at you to control this person who hates you.
Then turn to the party who placed this person in your home, and ask for their help. Listen to them while they tell you that if you try to get this person out of your house, your options are:
Then give that person who hates you the characteristics of no conscience, no remorse, no comprehension or concern for consequences. Make that someone have grandiose fantasies of self-worth and entitlement.
Now put yourself in a position to police that person, for their own protection and your own, causing that person to have stronger feelings of hate and resentment for you.
Now place that person in your home, at night, while you sleep.
___________________________________________________________
Think you will sleep soundly? Think you will be in a healthy state of mind and body?
___________________________________________________________
Now have others call you about this person's behavior outside of the home--wanting you to fix it, or at least hear them vent about it. You now have to answer to this person's problems in other social settings. You are considered part of the problem as you "raised" this person in your home--or so they think.
Then think of people in your immediate circle being affected by this person. Think of your family, your extended family, your neighbors, your community all looking at you to control this person who hates you.
Then turn to the party who placed this person in your home, and ask for their help. Listen to them while they tell you that if you try to get this person out of your house, your options are:
- To be charged with criminal and civil abandonment and pay huge legal fee and possible punitive fines
- To deal with the system involved in your life and be mandated to visit this person as determined by this party or else fall out of compliance with the deal and get this person back in your home.
________________________________________________________
Getting Hives yet? Losing sleep yet? Blood pressure rising? Fearing for your safety? For your families' safety?
________________________________________________________
Then deal with the bizarre guilt and disappointment in not being able manage this person in your home; for not being able to protect the rest of your family; for not being able to live a peaceful, loving life to the best of your ability.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Out of Nowhere
Trying to re-enact in my head what just went down at this week's session. Trying to figure out what it is that I must be saying to trigger knee-jerk reactions from therapists. Once again - feeling a little numb.
We didn't have a session last week, but the week before, in one of his bold, arrogant statements, TT said to us that we should never expect a reciprocal effort from DD to make things better--to love us or care about us. Said the best we could hope for might be one day when she is 25 and out of the house, that we might be sitting in our back yard, drinking some wine, and hear about a good decision that she made. And we might feel a little good about that. That's it! I started to tear up with the shock of that brutal honesty. He went on to say - "You picked her! If she were a dog you would have returned her by now!" He now denies saying that, or says he said "no reciprocal RIGHT NOW." My DH & I both know what we heard. Not the first time he recanted something he said.
So - combine the recent, new disorder identified, this statement from the specialist, and two weeks of disappointing behavior from DD. It all just started to feel like busywork to me. Seems like no matter what we do, or how hard we try,
this kid is never going to be a real part of our family. She may never even become a functioning adult in society. So, constantly trying to work with her, to accommodate her, to take care of her, to teach her, to train her, to get her therapy, etc, all feels like I am doing the same 20 Algebra problems over and over and not getting anywhere. I hate Algebra and I am not good at it.
So, I haven't been interacting with her lately. No desire. No energy. She changes persona as we walk into his office and looks all sad and sullen. He asks her what is up and she says that we haven't spoken in two weeks--like NOW it bugs her. He is confused and starts some rapid fire questions. I express my frustration and disappointment and he gets all defensive. Asks me what I want him to do. I said, "She needs intensive help. Once a week is not going to cut it and I cannot take off 5 days a week to be here." He asks "Why Not!?" Duh!! I have to work and can't risk my whole family for this. Next thing I know he is calling Lutheran Social Services trying to get her into the SAME residential treatment center we pulled her from, and he wants an open bed TONIGHT!
WTF??
No one went in with plans to do much of anything other than just endure it. It is a down week--that is all. But he gets all excited and keeps asking what happened. I explained multiple times that it is a combination of all the things I mentioned above but he keeps insisting that I am holding something back and need to tell him what happened? What? Then he got really pissy and said - "What makes you think there is nothing to be done?" I told him his blunt statement two weeks ago started a cascade effect. He then asked if I thought he would continue to treat DD if he really thought there wasn't any hope of helping her. I thought for a second and said "yes." He went nuts! Screaming about the money--which supposedly he doesn't make a penny for these sessions! [yeah - right!! all we talked about was money for the first couple of sessions. He wanted to bill my insurance instead of Medicaid because my insurance paid more--even at 50% because he is not in my insurance network.] He started machine gun blasting me with his rant and I calmly asked if I
could answer his questions and reminded him that I made no mention of money. It was a bit surreal.
Then he started talking long term, because we said we would not put her back in there. He yelled at me for not "liking" the solution!!! Said that she was only in the hospital part, not the long term part. I told him we were given a tour and we only saw one part. Said she would go there as long as possible and then the state would have to offer us "TCM" or something like that. Told him I didn't know what that was. Apparently there is another option that no one has mentioned before. It is where the state takes custody, but she remains "our" kid. They pay for her treatments and then put her in foster care again. What a friggin' mess!!! The state knows they are destroying families with these kids.
On a side note: I am so worried that Texas will dump those 400 cult kids in El Dorado out into the foster system in a year without ever transitioning them to society. They may turn out to be big sibling groups too! How many families will be destroyed trying to take in those kids who've been taught all their life that strangers want to hurt or kill them. They need to be de-programmed, but I'm sure they won't be. It will fall to many families to try to figure it out.
So - we said no to the Residential Treatment center. Said if we wanted to pursue that, that we would call them this summer, when school is out. It all happened so fast and it felt so out of control. If I understand correctly, we are not seeing him anymore either, but I am not sure. I think he was highly offended by me believing him that nothing could really be done. Means he can't do anything. I guess I was thinking he couldn't do anything to bond her to us, but he might be able to make her a little more successful as a human being.
I'm starting to think that therapists are an extremely sensitive, low-self-esteem bunch.
I don't even know what is next. DD cried through this whole exchange. I don't know why the therapists insist on having these conversations in front of her. When I asked her what she wanted she blurted out that she wanted to go to boarding school. Brilliant! He yelled at me for asking her what she wanted asking "What difference does it make what she wants?" Well, I was hoping to see some glimmer of wanting to stay with us. What a fool I am.
Once again, this joyless adventure blindsides me.
We didn't have a session last week, but the week before, in one of his bold, arrogant statements, TT said to us that we should never expect a reciprocal effort from DD to make things better--to love us or care about us. Said the best we could hope for might be one day when she is 25 and out of the house, that we might be sitting in our back yard, drinking some wine, and hear about a good decision that she made. And we might feel a little good about that. That's it! I started to tear up with the shock of that brutal honesty. He went on to say - "You picked her! If she were a dog you would have returned her by now!" He now denies saying that, or says he said "no reciprocal RIGHT NOW." My DH & I both know what we heard. Not the first time he recanted something he said.
So - combine the recent, new disorder identified, this statement from the specialist, and two weeks of disappointing behavior from DD. It all just started to feel like busywork to me. Seems like no matter what we do, or how hard we try,
this kid is never going to be a real part of our family. She may never even become a functioning adult in society. So, constantly trying to work with her, to accommodate her, to take care of her, to teach her, to train her, to get her therapy, etc, all feels like I am doing the same 20 Algebra problems over and over and not getting anywhere. I hate Algebra and I am not good at it.
So, I haven't been interacting with her lately. No desire. No energy. She changes persona as we walk into his office and looks all sad and sullen. He asks her what is up and she says that we haven't spoken in two weeks--like NOW it bugs her. He is confused and starts some rapid fire questions. I express my frustration and disappointment and he gets all defensive. Asks me what I want him to do. I said, "She needs intensive help. Once a week is not going to cut it and I cannot take off 5 days a week to be here." He asks "Why Not!?" Duh!! I have to work and can't risk my whole family for this. Next thing I know he is calling Lutheran Social Services trying to get her into the SAME residential treatment center we pulled her from, and he wants an open bed TONIGHT!
WTF??
No one went in with plans to do much of anything other than just endure it. It is a down week--that is all. But he gets all excited and keeps asking what happened. I explained multiple times that it is a combination of all the things I mentioned above but he keeps insisting that I am holding something back and need to tell him what happened? What? Then he got really pissy and said - "What makes you think there is nothing to be done?" I told him his blunt statement two weeks ago started a cascade effect. He then asked if I thought he would continue to treat DD if he really thought there wasn't any hope of helping her. I thought for a second and said "yes." He went nuts! Screaming about the money--which supposedly he doesn't make a penny for these sessions! [yeah - right!! all we talked about was money for the first couple of sessions. He wanted to bill my insurance instead of Medicaid because my insurance paid more--even at 50% because he is not in my insurance network.] He started machine gun blasting me with his rant and I calmly asked if I
could answer his questions and reminded him that I made no mention of money. It was a bit surreal.
Then he started talking long term, because we said we would not put her back in there. He yelled at me for not "liking" the solution!!! Said that she was only in the hospital part, not the long term part. I told him we were given a tour and we only saw one part. Said she would go there as long as possible and then the state would have to offer us "TCM" or something like that. Told him I didn't know what that was. Apparently there is another option that no one has mentioned before. It is where the state takes custody, but she remains "our" kid. They pay for her treatments and then put her in foster care again. What a friggin' mess!!! The state knows they are destroying families with these kids.
On a side note: I am so worried that Texas will dump those 400 cult kids in El Dorado out into the foster system in a year without ever transitioning them to society. They may turn out to be big sibling groups too! How many families will be destroyed trying to take in those kids who've been taught all their life that strangers want to hurt or kill them. They need to be de-programmed, but I'm sure they won't be. It will fall to many families to try to figure it out.
So - we said no to the Residential Treatment center. Said if we wanted to pursue that, that we would call them this summer, when school is out. It all happened so fast and it felt so out of control. If I understand correctly, we are not seeing him anymore either, but I am not sure. I think he was highly offended by me believing him that nothing could really be done. Means he can't do anything. I guess I was thinking he couldn't do anything to bond her to us, but he might be able to make her a little more successful as a human being.
I'm starting to think that therapists are an extremely sensitive, low-self-esteem bunch.
I don't even know what is next. DD cried through this whole exchange. I don't know why the therapists insist on having these conversations in front of her. When I asked her what she wanted she blurted out that she wanted to go to boarding school. Brilliant! He yelled at me for asking her what she wanted asking "What difference does it make what she wants?" Well, I was hoping to see some glimmer of wanting to stay with us. What a fool I am.
Once again, this joyless adventure blindsides me.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
A New label
"A personality disorder is a pattern of deviant or abnormal behavior that the person doesn't change even though it causes emotional upsets and trouble with other people at work and in personal relationships. It is not limited to episodes of mental illness, and it is not caused by drug or alcohol use, head injury, or illness. There are about a dozen different behavior patterns classified as personality disorders by DSM-IV. All the personality disorders show up as deviations from normal in one or more of the following:(1) cognition -- i.e., perception, thinking, and interpretation of oneself, other people, and events;(2) affectivity -- i.e., emotional responses (range, intensity, lability, appropriateness);(3) interpersonal functions;(4) impulsivity."
"Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
While grandiosity is the diagnostic hallmark of pathological narcissism, there is research evidence that pathological narcissism occurs in two forms, (a) a grandiose state of mind in young adults that can be corrected by life experiences, and (b) the stable disorder described in DSM-IV, which is defined less by grandiosity than by severely disturbed interpersonal relations.
If NPD is caused by infantile damage and consequent developmental short-circuits, it probably represents an irremediable condition. On the other hand, if narcissism is a behavior pattern that's learned, then there is some hope, however tenuous, that it's a behavior pattern that can be unlearned.
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy. The disorder begins by early adulthood and is indicated by at least five of the following:
"Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
While grandiosity is the diagnostic hallmark of pathological narcissism, there is research evidence that pathological narcissism occurs in two forms, (a) a grandiose state of mind in young adults that can be corrected by life experiences, and (b) the stable disorder described in DSM-IV, which is defined less by grandiosity than by severely disturbed interpersonal relations.
If NPD is caused by infantile damage and consequent developmental short-circuits, it probably represents an irremediable condition. On the other hand, if narcissism is a behavior pattern that's learned, then there is some hope, however tenuous, that it's a behavior pattern that can be unlearned.
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy. The disorder begins by early adulthood and is indicated by at least five of the following:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement
- Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends
- Lacks empathy
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
- Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes"
I believe she has seven of the nine descriptors. This added with her new fascination with writing p0rnn0graffic (altered spelling to avoid spam and freaks) "dreams" and sharing them with classmates makes any progress seem false and our efforts useless. Just a little more disappointment. Checked out a therapeutic camp in Utah that has RAD kids work with horses and requires a one year stay. Appears that only the states of California and Alaska understand that this kind of long-term retraining is critical. Texas Medicaid will not cover it. This place is not on my insurance provider list, but even if they were, my insurance (most insurance companies) will not pay for more than 30-60 days without MEDICAL reason. So, once again if feels like this is a constant, but useless battle.
For more information on this disorder, see http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html
Friday, February 22, 2008
Adjusting the Atlas
Several interesting sessions lately and definite improvement noticed.
Two weeks ago, TT had DD get up on the table again. This time he had his hands just under her rib cage, looking for her kidneys. He explained that when you are in a constant state of fear -- a fight or flight animalistic survival mode -- your organs tuck up under your ribcage preparing to run or protect the organs in either situation. He could hardly find her kidneys, they were so high.
Through some feedback and getting her to focus on her breathing and calm down and relax, the right kidney eventually dropped, so he moved to the other side of the table. Fortunately, that kidney relaxed as well. And you can see the physical difference. When she first lays on the table (like a massage table) she is very stiff and nervous, and after relaxing her feet fall sideways, her arms sink into the thin mattress, and her spine gives way and touches the mattress.
Since this was successful, he started to hold her neck again, putting some fingertip pressure on her atlas, the highest vertebra in the spine. She never likes this and tenses up again. He explains that this part of her neck, where her spine connects with her brain is very stiff and hard, and should be soft. He always tries to get that part to relax as this is what supposedly keeps her in fight or flight mode. She started to wince and sit up complaining that it hurts. He kept telling her to relax and to lay back, but she could not. He then reached his free arm out and told her to squeeze his arm and try to hurt him (trying to distract her from her discomfort) but she would not, she just became more adamant about her pain. He asked DH to stand closer and for DH to try to squeeze his arm as hard as he could. This didn't distract her at all, but it did distract DH and I, and with this chaos eventually came a quick scream and instant tears. He hurt her.
He immediately started to comfort her and whisper to her that this was good. That he adjusted her atlas and things would get better now. He said "It isn't easy being normal, is it? It is easier to be the crazy girl that nobody deals with, isn't it? You did great! This is great!" as she covered her face with her hands and sobbed. She then complained of a terrible headache. He said this was normal.
I started to get choked up--I don't ever want to see ANYONE in pain--especially a kid--even if that kid has put me through hell. I grabbed my purse for some ibuprofen, then grabbed some tissues. She laid there for another 5-10 minutes while he tried to comfort her.
When we got home, I researched what it was he just did. It looks like it is an old-school chiropractic method, and while he is not a licensed chiropractor, it seems to have made some difference. He immediately said the atlas area softened. I wish I would have felt the before and after to know what he was talking about. the effect is not permanent though, so this may require multiple attempts.
Then this week, he spent the whole hour explaining the therapy plan to all of us. He said that DD is ready to move to the next phase, which will be a lot less talk and a lot more physical. He drew a fabulous diagram for us that I will try to recreate and post later. It all made sense.
In the meantime, DD has not only started to tell the truth, she tells us that she was about to tell us a lie, then thought about it, and told the truth anyway. This is FRIGGIN' HUGE!!! We make a big, positive deal about these truths, even if they are ugly truths.
Also, we went to a family event last weekend, and had no drama!! We are not sure if this was progress, or because none of the boys were there (it was a girly wedding shower). The wedding is in early April, so it will be interesting to see if we see the improvement then.
Anyway - so much more hope now on the DD scene.
Now if I could get my psycho step-mom to play nice, life might just be peaceful. I won't hold my breath!
Two weeks ago, TT had DD get up on the table again. This time he had his hands just under her rib cage, looking for her kidneys. He explained that when you are in a constant state of fear -- a fight or flight animalistic survival mode -- your organs tuck up under your ribcage preparing to run or protect the organs in either situation. He could hardly find her kidneys, they were so high.
Through some feedback and getting her to focus on her breathing and calm down and relax, the right kidney eventually dropped, so he moved to the other side of the table. Fortunately, that kidney relaxed as well. And you can see the physical difference. When she first lays on the table (like a massage table) she is very stiff and nervous, and after relaxing her feet fall sideways, her arms sink into the thin mattress, and her spine gives way and touches the mattress.
Since this was successful, he started to hold her neck again, putting some fingertip pressure on her atlas, the highest vertebra in the spine. She never likes this and tenses up again. He explains that this part of her neck, where her spine connects with her brain is very stiff and hard, and should be soft. He always tries to get that part to relax as this is what supposedly keeps her in fight or flight mode. She started to wince and sit up complaining that it hurts. He kept telling her to relax and to lay back, but she could not. He then reached his free arm out and told her to squeeze his arm and try to hurt him (trying to distract her from her discomfort) but she would not, she just became more adamant about her pain. He asked DH to stand closer and for DH to try to squeeze his arm as hard as he could. This didn't distract her at all, but it did distract DH and I, and with this chaos eventually came a quick scream and instant tears. He hurt her.
He immediately started to comfort her and whisper to her that this was good. That he adjusted her atlas and things would get better now. He said "It isn't easy being normal, is it? It is easier to be the crazy girl that nobody deals with, isn't it? You did great! This is great!" as she covered her face with her hands and sobbed. She then complained of a terrible headache. He said this was normal.
I started to get choked up--I don't ever want to see ANYONE in pain--especially a kid--even if that kid has put me through hell. I grabbed my purse for some ibuprofen, then grabbed some tissues. She laid there for another 5-10 minutes while he tried to comfort her.
When we got home, I researched what it was he just did. It looks like it is an old-school chiropractic method, and while he is not a licensed chiropractor, it seems to have made some difference. He immediately said the atlas area softened. I wish I would have felt the before and after to know what he was talking about. the effect is not permanent though, so this may require multiple attempts.
Then this week, he spent the whole hour explaining the therapy plan to all of us. He said that DD is ready to move to the next phase, which will be a lot less talk and a lot more physical. He drew a fabulous diagram for us that I will try to recreate and post later. It all made sense.
In the meantime, DD has not only started to tell the truth, she tells us that she was about to tell us a lie, then thought about it, and told the truth anyway. This is FRIGGIN' HUGE!!! We make a big, positive deal about these truths, even if they are ugly truths.
Also, we went to a family event last weekend, and had no drama!! We are not sure if this was progress, or because none of the boys were there (it was a girly wedding shower). The wedding is in early April, so it will be interesting to see if we see the improvement then.
Anyway - so much more hope now on the DD scene.
Now if I could get my psycho step-mom to play nice, life might just be peaceful. I won't hold my breath!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Slowing the Mind
So, our therapy session yesterday seemed light--almost useless at the time, but it was not.
TT used Somatic Experience treatment yesterday, which basically entailed DD laying on a table/bed while TT laid his hands under her shoulders and gave her some verbal feedback about twitches and twinges in her body. This is supposedly past trauma meeting "road blocks" in her body. Pretty soon, she became attuned to the twitches as well and they would announce the latest twitch in unison. She slowed her mind and focused on her body and what it was doing without her even knowing. At the end of the hour she was very relaxed and able to think and speak a little more thoughtfully--not quite so hyper and spastic. He was able to quiet her mind a bit and allow her to make more mature decisions in this moment.
OK - so an hour of watching her lay on a table didn't seem like much. We were starting to doze off ourselves, but the effects lasted into the evening. She was able to explain herself, her actions, and her thoughts with a little more ease and we were able to follow along a little better. Homework went a little smoother. The best example--at almost 9:00 PM - bedtime--she came downstairs, grabbed the vacuum and headed back upstairs. Expecting some bizarre, circular, explanation I cautiously asked her what she was doing. Of course her first response was, "I'm going to vacuum my room." So I had to ask the clarifying question of "Why" are you vacuuming at 9:00 PM. She actually told the truth. She stated that she somehow broke her blush (make-up) and that is somehow got all over the place.
Knowing that she destroyed the carpet in her room a long time ago there was no sense of urgency to get it cleaned or to wonder how bad it really was, there was just the opportunity to thank her for her honesty and let her go on her merry way. Which I did. And she did.
May not seem like much, but it showed that she finally felt safe enough to tell me the truth and because of her truth there was no escalation and the night ended peacefully. Hopefully we can continue this trend and hopefully slowing her mind more will allow her to make more good decisions when it comes to telling us the truth.
Small victory with a big impact. :) Oh - and she got all of the blush up from the carpet, too!
TT used Somatic Experience treatment yesterday, which basically entailed DD laying on a table/bed while TT laid his hands under her shoulders and gave her some verbal feedback about twitches and twinges in her body. This is supposedly past trauma meeting "road blocks" in her body. Pretty soon, she became attuned to the twitches as well and they would announce the latest twitch in unison. She slowed her mind and focused on her body and what it was doing without her even knowing. At the end of the hour she was very relaxed and able to think and speak a little more thoughtfully--not quite so hyper and spastic. He was able to quiet her mind a bit and allow her to make more mature decisions in this moment.
OK - so an hour of watching her lay on a table didn't seem like much. We were starting to doze off ourselves, but the effects lasted into the evening. She was able to explain herself, her actions, and her thoughts with a little more ease and we were able to follow along a little better. Homework went a little smoother. The best example--at almost 9:00 PM - bedtime--she came downstairs, grabbed the vacuum and headed back upstairs. Expecting some bizarre, circular, explanation I cautiously asked her what she was doing. Of course her first response was, "I'm going to vacuum my room." So I had to ask the clarifying question of "Why" are you vacuuming at 9:00 PM. She actually told the truth. She stated that she somehow broke her blush (make-up) and that is somehow got all over the place.
Knowing that she destroyed the carpet in her room a long time ago there was no sense of urgency to get it cleaned or to wonder how bad it really was, there was just the opportunity to thank her for her honesty and let her go on her merry way. Which I did. And she did.
May not seem like much, but it showed that she finally felt safe enough to tell me the truth and because of her truth there was no escalation and the night ended peacefully. Hopefully we can continue this trend and hopefully slowing her mind more will allow her to make more good decisions when it comes to telling us the truth.
Small victory with a big impact. :) Oh - and she got all of the blush up from the carpet, too!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Latest Developments...
So, it's been a while since I've updated this blog. Part of the reason for the delay is just trying to catch up with life after the holidays, but part is also because of the "relative calm."
The therapy has been amazing...
The week between Christmas and New Year's was very nice--peaceful, well, until New Year's Day itself, and then things deteriorated for the next week with high drama and a lot of BS from DD. A LOT.
Perhaps we cannot afford a two week gap in therapy at this stage. Or maybe it was too much free time over the holiday break. Whatever it was, it gave our therapist a whole new repertoire to work with--and she did not like it one bit! She totally shut down during one session and refused to speak for the second half. While it would appear that we made no progress in that session, and the therapist (TT) actually declared it "No Progress" before he dismissed her to the lobby, something quite remarkable happened on the way home. She opened up and vented to DH. She was so angry at her new enemy, that DH was now someone she would turn to for comfort.
"I don't like him. He was getting all in my business. He was trying to get into my feelings!" - DD
DING! DING! DING!!! YES!!!!
That is it!!! He IS trying to get into your feelings! We all are!!! That is what this is ALL about! To get you to FEEL your impact on the world. To get you to FEEL empathy, sympathy, remorse, sorrow, anger, happiness, joy, peace, safe, and most importantly --- for you to feel love.
I would so love to lock us all up in a room for two days until she really cracks. I think TT could do it. Now after two sessions since the holidays, she is Miss Merry Sunshine - trying very hard to get along, even with my DS who still does not trust her and her efforts. She has a lot of repair to do there.
The coolest thing is to be able to use his words to define behaviors later at home--"See - you still refuse to own your garbage. You want to blame everyone else and are totally incapable of sincerely apologizing." She gets it. It is like shorthand. She still is unable to apologize for even the littlest of things, but she may just be feeling something inside. Don't know for sure, but we are learning how to better deal with her actions and how to stop things from escalating out of control, like they used to.
Things are not perfect--probably never will be--and we will likely spend years on his couch, but so long as he continues to produce tiny hairline fractures in her armor, we can still hold out hope that maybe one day she will love us---or at a minimum, respect us.
The therapy has been amazing...
The week between Christmas and New Year's was very nice--peaceful, well, until New Year's Day itself, and then things deteriorated for the next week with high drama and a lot of BS from DD. A LOT.
Perhaps we cannot afford a two week gap in therapy at this stage. Or maybe it was too much free time over the holiday break. Whatever it was, it gave our therapist a whole new repertoire to work with--and she did not like it one bit! She totally shut down during one session and refused to speak for the second half. While it would appear that we made no progress in that session, and the therapist (TT) actually declared it "No Progress" before he dismissed her to the lobby, something quite remarkable happened on the way home. She opened up and vented to DH. She was so angry at her new enemy, that DH was now someone she would turn to for comfort.
"I don't like him. He was getting all in my business. He was trying to get into my feelings!" - DD
DING! DING! DING!!! YES!!!!
That is it!!! He IS trying to get into your feelings! We all are!!! That is what this is ALL about! To get you to FEEL your impact on the world. To get you to FEEL empathy, sympathy, remorse, sorrow, anger, happiness, joy, peace, safe, and most importantly --- for you to feel love.
I would so love to lock us all up in a room for two days until she really cracks. I think TT could do it. Now after two sessions since the holidays, she is Miss Merry Sunshine - trying very hard to get along, even with my DS who still does not trust her and her efforts. She has a lot of repair to do there.
The coolest thing is to be able to use his words to define behaviors later at home--"See - you still refuse to own your garbage. You want to blame everyone else and are totally incapable of sincerely apologizing." She gets it. It is like shorthand. She still is unable to apologize for even the littlest of things, but she may just be feeling something inside. Don't know for sure, but we are learning how to better deal with her actions and how to stop things from escalating out of control, like they used to.
Things are not perfect--probably never will be--and we will likely spend years on his couch, but so long as he continues to produce tiny hairline fractures in her armor, we can still hold out hope that maybe one day she will love us---or at a minimum, respect us.
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