Latest Tactics

The first week of intensive was interesting. After our initial session, DD then had two consecutive nights of teen only sessions, then we returned on Thursday. How delightful it was to see how much she bonded with the two juvies, and to see the joy she took in running and laughing down the halls when they were all sent to pee in a cup for a random drug test. Oh, and the new lingo she learned, it was such a proud moment where we felt like we accomplished so much.

Not.

We sat through another three hours of BS with this crew, only the Juvies and us. The other families were not there that night. After the break, DD again sat across from us, next to her new "friends" and DH said, "No, you come sit over here by us." All three girls attacked him. The other parents were still in the hall, but the therapist got to witness this fine exchange. DH got pissed and said, "No, we are the parents here. We make the decisions here--not you. We are here so she can learn how to live with us, not you, so she needs to come sit over here." To which one of the juvies snarled back at him, while pointing to the other juvie "Well, you're not HER dad, you can't tell HER where to sit!" To which he replied in an eerily calm voice "I don't give a shit where you two sit, I wasn't talking to you." DD moved back over by me.

The two juvies then took over the rest of the session, whining that they wanted to go home, finding excuses to leave the session, over and over again until the therapist said no more--but they still pushed. Once DD figured out what they were doing, she went from extremely engaged in the discussion to a full physical and social transformation. She slid down in her chair, her head fell to one side, and she stopped talking --- realizing her new buds wanted to leave, so she better act that way too. They won. The session ended at 8:15 instead of 9:00. They were in control.

The following Saturday morning, we took DD with us to the other side of town to attend a parent training in a theory that I have long avoided. It is called Beyond Consequences. DD and others were with a kid-sitter and we, the parents, were in a conference room upstairs. The basic theory is that there are only two real emotions, love and fear, and based on that we know that all bad behaviors come from fear and nothing else--no manipulation, controlling, plotting, etc. So consequences should only be the natural consequences, not contrived, unassociated punishments. Our trauma-surviving kids are behaving strictly out of fear, so we should just hug them and love them unconditionally no matter what -- unless their behavior is dangerous. On the other side, when we get angry and lose it, we are also acting out of fear, so we can not help regulate our kids if we, ourselves, are not regulated.

That said, the training was helpful. No miracles or anything, but a few tidbits that did indeed help. The training was done by a couple of women, one a friend of mine, an adoptive mom and teacher who is newly certified to teach this theory. They did a great job, but we all agreed it was a lot to cram into a three hour session and we are all waiting for the next scheduled session. To me, this training is more realistic and should be one of maybe many theories taught to potential adoptive parents, to give them an arsenal of possible tools to use to save all parties involved.

One of the big tidbits I gained was the "aha moment" of I know this kid better than ANY of the specialists we have seen and that I need to stop letting them have control. I think we have suffered more damage at the hands of some of these specialists than we would have if we had sought no help at all. With this new confidence in what I know, we quit the intensive program. I had a couple of hours of conversations with the group therapist, and while she politely disagreed and argued with me, she eventually understood what I was saying. She gave me a couple of references and we actually have an appointment with a very well-renown Psychiatrist on the 16th. He requires all kinds of info from us before seeing her, which while it is a pain in the tush to gather, makes me feel much better about how he will decide about meds and treatments. I am impressed already. I hope I remain impressed.

The other tidbit--probably unintentional--is that there is NO WAY OUT. We have to make this work. We are not alone, and we by FAR do not have it as bad as some. My analogy there is--if you saw my pants leg burst into flame, you would probably scream "you are on fire" and not just say, "oh - yeah, I see the flame, but it isn't that bad yet. It is only your leg." The end result is still the same. I would have lot of pain and a lot of rehab in my future. So, bring in a special needs kid. We have varying degrees of issues, but the end result is the same--we all have a lot of pain and a lot of therapy ahead. The state is not going to take back this kid. Why would they? They are the ones who set us up to fail in the first place. They know exactly what is going on, but challenging and even destroying families is a hell of a lot easier and cheaper that trying to actually help these damaged kids.

So, we are trying not to react to DD. We will respond to her, but not react. And where we are capable of doing so, we try to let only natural consequences occur. Not one thing has changed with DD. Not one. She is exactly the same, but we are not letting it rule our home. We still have to make constant alterations to our usual plans to anticipate triggers and her behaviors, and we are still pretty hyper vigilant ourselves to preempt any problems, and that will likely never change. We just have to figure out how we can all survive this with the least amount of damage to anyone--her included.

I am finally reading the Beyond Consequences book. The letter from the female co-author was painfully familiar to our experience, but my eyes still gaze over some of the extended descriptions in the chapters about love. Maybe I will get better at absorbing some of the details of the theories as we move forward, but some of it just gets nauseating at times and sounds too woo woo and stops making sense to me. I guess that is my fear still at work.

Intensive Outpatient

What an interesting night. We watched her watching the other kids (all girls this week) and modeling their behaviors. Doing things they were doing --- things we've never seen her do. Her usual behaviors were there too -- laughing forcefully at their slightest attempt at humor, trying so hard to win their affection. They were mostly high school girls, a couple fresh from Juvie (Juvenile Corrections) a couple fresh from intensive inpatient for drugs and a suicide attempt, and one who just seemed to be in so much pain and felt unheard--the intensity so difficult for her she left the session.

DD sat like they sat, watching their every moves, and when we had an impromptu break upon the pained girls departure, she moved to a chair closer to them and started chatting it up like they were in a new club together. She agreed with all they said, she immediately made an impression on them, and the two buddies from Juvie chatted and laughed with her--on the other side of the circle, away from us.

When the session began again, DD opted to stay near her new friends. It was her turn now to talk about her feelings. She spun some good tales, and they all encouraged her. She claimed to have no knowledge of why we were there other than she lies sometimes. She didn't really know what the problem was and said they would have to ask us; so they did. And we shared how we had this little survivalist stranger in our house who would not allow us to love her or protect her and who worked very hard to prove how unworthy she is of love and trust, just to prove herself right--that everyone would hurt her and leave her so she is fully justified in only caring about herself and doing whatever she wants and whatever she thinks she needs to help herself. It was interesting to see the groups response, initially defending her a bit, then they themselves started to hear the contradictions in her words and the bizarre circles in her stories. "She was yelling at me and I did not yell back." Then later saying "I only raised my voice, but I was not yelling at her." Then making statements to us like, "I've changed. You may not be able to see it, but I've changed." So the therapist asked her to give a specific example of what changed and she said that she now admits what she has done -- she owns her behavior. I was about to pop. She is so good at picking up on buzzwords and delivering what people want to hear. I asked her to help me understand when she owned her behavior and she snapped "Today, on the way over here."

Then she talked about living with her mom for five years --which she did not, and how she used to think about her future with her mom. I know she had trauma in her youth, but do five-year olds really think about their futures, or just the moment. Hell --- she doesn't even really think about the future now, but no point trying to dispute her version of her past. I need her to understand the reality of her present.

The crowd turned on us a couple of times, too, hearing her words and not understanding the history. They always prefaced their comments with "I know I don't know your story, but..." DH really wanted to correct DD and correct the group, but I told him to hold off, that with four nights a week of this stuff, they will learn it on their own. He doesn't have to be the bad guy trying to paint a realistic picture that is not too flattering for this bubbly little girl they saw tonight.

Tomorrow and Wednesday nights are teens only. I'm sure she will tell a pretty story about us. Then the families meet again on Thursday.

Belated update

So, the meeting with the lawyer never happened. Two hours before our appointment, the law office called to say that the 16-year veteran we were to meet with would not be able to make it, but the 5-year newbie could talk with us. Same price, of course. We cancelled.

We then tried to find another lawyer, followed a couple of references, only to find that no one we found really wants a case like this and one even went so far as to end with a parting shot of, "I don't know what to tell you, but you know, she is your child." Thanks! Thanks for your unsolicited, uneducated opinion about a case in which you know nothing. We are going back to the first one and waiting until she is available again.

In the meantime, we signed up to take some parenting training, and today we went to an assessment at a local psychiatric hospital for intensive outpatient therapy. The drag is that it is three hours a night, four nights a week for 5 weeks and we must attend two nights a week. Nobody ever cares about the rest of the family, the impact of such a schedule, just the "best interest of the child." There is more cost associated with this, of course, and the first part of the intake is all about the money. The intensive therapy will consist of group family therapy with yet another therapist--not a psychologist, or psychoanalyst, another therapist. I am a bit burned out. No - that is an understatement. I am beyond cynical at this point. They have an uphill battle to overcome and I know that this will suck beyond all other options we have tried. Maybe a year ago I would be more open to this, but the system and her behaviors have worn me out.

The intake person kept us waiting in a dark, silent waiting room for 45 minutes, without any communication before our intake began. We got off to a rough start, to say the least.

I am also meeting with a couple tomorrow night who know all about reversals in this county and who want to consult us and provide us with names and possible resources. It may seem schitzophrenic to be pursuing therapy and a lawyer or reversal at the same time, but I need some kind of progress to start happening, one way or another. I don't want to waste another year of my family life with no progress. Either we will get help or we will get out.

I guess what is really destroying me is that we had nothing but the child's best interest for so many years, only to be denied help, to be dismissed as having no real problems since she isn't suicidal or homicidal, to be accused of being the root of the problem, to having a therapist suggest that I be medicated. The root of the problem is her disorders which NO ONE has really addressed. They've either drugged, dismissed, or blamed.