Finally! The correct diagnosis.

It is not a pretty diagnosis. It is not one that can be cured with drugs or weekly therapy. But at least now we know what we are dealing with and maybe now, after wasting two years on the wrong labels, the wrong behaviors, the wrong treatments, and the wrong parenting styles--perhaps NOW we can begin to heal and to truly bond as a family.

RAD - Reactive Attachment Disorder is extremely prevalent in former foster kids, as well as institutionalized orphans around the world, but it was never mentioned in our girls chart. No, I was reading up on, and responding to the labels and meds she had when she arrived. Turns out she is not ADD, ADHD, Depressed, or Anxious. Now it all seems so obvious. When I read the list of symptoms/behaviors, it is so clear.

•Intense control battles, very bossy and argumentative; defiance and anger • Resists affection on parental terms • Lack of eye contact, especially with parents - will look into your eyes when lying • Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging • Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers • Poor peer relationships • Lies about the obvious • Lack of conscience - shows no remorse • Destructive to property, self and/or others • Lack of impulse control • Hypervigilant/Hyperactive • Learning lags/delays • Incessant chatter and/or questions • Inappropriately demanding and/or clingy • Food issues - hordes, gorges, refuses to eat, eats strange things, hides food • Very concerned about tiny hurts but brushes off big hurts • Parents appear hostile and angry • The child was neglected and/or physically abused in the first three years of life

I only removed 3 or 4 of the possible symptoms that do not apply to her. The rest cover her to a "t."

What do we do about it? We have to totally readjust our thinking and our parenting, which will not be easy since we have now built up a wall to protect ourselves from her behaviors. I have found support through a website forum filled with parents with similar issues and similar feelings and frustrations. Logically, I understand why she treats us the way she does, and logically I know that my anger is not a good response, but emotionally she exposes all of my fears and insecurities and I then operate from a base of fear, rejection, and pain, and not from a base of love; not as a loving parent. I will have to work very hard to try to overcome my personal feelings, and try to reconnect with her. My husband will, too.

The RAD therapies are intense, and I have not found a good referral for any local therapist specializing in RAD, so this may be more challenging than necessary. The treatment involves a lot of physical contact, and almost reverting our parenting as though we had an infant in our arms. Lots of cradling, holding, eye-contact, feeding by our hands, etc--all the things she apparently missed out on as an infant. Had we known her true disorder two years ago, before all the anger and hurt built up on both sides, this would have been much easier to attempt. I would have done anything for her in the beginning. I will need a lot of help to swallow my pride, let my defenses down, and put her needs before mine--knowing that initially she will go for the jugular, trying to push us away to validate her feelings of abandonment.

“Her smile was fake, like a piece of paper with a smile drawn on it had been glued to her face.” -Twisted, Laurie Halse Anderson