Something to Celebrate

Today was the last day of school for both my kids, but today was Tony's last day of Junior High. Much to his surprise, during an 8th grade assembly, he and four other kids were called out from the entire 8th grade class to go to the podium to receive The President's Education Awards Program for Outstanding Academic Achievement! (http://www.ed.gov/programs/presedaward/index.html) He was surprised, but did not fully understand why he got it, so he folded up the certificate, over and over, into a 2 x 2 square and shoved it into his pocket. This brings pain to any scrapbooker, but I am so proud of him. He finished the year with straight A s.

Earlier this week I met with his teachers and counselors to discuss his Freshman schedule. He is signed up for two Pre-AP courses -- Language Arts and World Geography, Latin, Math, Science, and Wrestling is his PE class for the last two hours of each day. He selected a career study path of Criminal Science--which was news to me. When the counselor asked if he wanted to be a detective or a cop, he said, "No, a lawyer." Again, a surprise. Last time I checked, he thought he might want to be a doctor or a chef! He is also exceling in his piano lessons and is so proud to be learning the theme song to Tim Burton's Corpse Bride. (Burton and Hayao Miyazaki are his favorite directors).

You may think - "Wow, his parents must really push him" but you would be wrong. These are all interests that Tony developed over the last couple of years--all on his own. After years of not wanting to join any teams, or take any extra-curricular lessons or activities, he asked if he could do wrestling. We had no idea where to even look for wrestling lessons, but a week later we got a card in the mail asking kids to join a team. He wrestled the last two seasons and last year was voted Most Improved by his coaches. Then less than a year ago he asked for piano lessons. We had him enrolled just days later, so excited about his new interest.

As for the AP/Pre-AP classes - he was moved to advanced Language Arts by his teachers this year, and they encouraged him to continue with it next year, even though it is not his favorite subject. Pre-AP World Geography is something he begged for--even after sitting through an orientation session where they talked about how much extra work it entailed, he was still so psyched, wanting to know if he could start reading something over the summer.

The Latin thing - well he figured if he learned Latin, he could pick up his father's native language, Italian, much better. Plus he liked that the Latin Club kids recruiting at orientation were dressed like Spartans and standing on a small scale chariot. He loves anything historical.

So now, this big, little man, who in the second grade we were being told needed to be in Special Ed and maybe evaluated for ADHD/ADD is exceling. All the fighting and advocating we had to do back then now feels so good. We fought the schools, got outside evaluations and therapy, and learned that he was highly intelligent (off the IQ charts in all analytical areas) and just learned differently. I would love to go back to that school in Washington State and show them now what they were so wrong about. They knew they had resource problems, admitted to it, but still kept whining that they did not have time to teach my kid. This was in Microsoft Millionaire land that they had no resources! But we now know that all the struggling and crying we did was so worth it.

It is seeing his success that gives me hope that maybe we can be as successful with our daughter. It is a bit harder with her, since SHE is the one we are fighting--or at least fighting her behaviors--but the hope is that by advocating for her, getting her the helps she requires, and accomodating some of her needs, that we can one day have a happy, healthy, creative, successful young woman in our lives.

23 Slides

I stumbled on a PowerPoint presentation that gives a fairly succinct description of RAD's causes, symptoms, and treatments. There are speaker notes below the slides (scroll down a little) that tell more of the story. There is some comfort in knowing that we are not the only ones, but it doesn't really make it any easier.

http://members.tripod.com/~radclass/slide01.html

Not a great week...

DD's therapist recommends that we send her to a residential treatment center (RTC) for 12-18 months. She also suggested we find one out of state.

Kind of a shocker. Part of me feels some relief, but a larger part of me feels great guilt.

We really don't have any other options. She needs help and we are not qualified to give it to her. She does not have the tools to help herself, and all studies show that she will get progressively worse as she gets older and untreated adults do not have great prospects either. If she needed brain surgery we would not try to fix it at home instead of sending her to a hospital for the fix and recovery.

Lately she yelled at us and told us that if we didn't like it, why didn't we just take her back to Foster Care. She can't even imagine what is at risk here. That is not a legitimate option anyway. Even if we wanted to take her back - 1) I could never live with that decision, 2) she would NEVER get the help she needs, probably never get another chance at adoption and just age-out at 18 with no skills, no help, and no family, and 3) we would be charged with child negligence for relinquishing her to the state. A real lose-lose situation.

Her therapist fears that she may get so frustrated that she could falsely accuse us of harming her--she already tells people how mean we are and how she hates us and she tells the school that we won't buy her things, or better, can't afford things, so they will feel sorry for her and buy her stuff out of their own pocket. She has done it multiple times. If she falsely accuses, CPS will take both kids, put them in foster care, press both civil and criminal charges, we will have to get two lawyers, pay big bucks to clear our name (though the stigma never goes away) and fight to get our kids back--especially Tony who would just be terrified and confused by the whole ordeal.
To get her into a RTC costs about $5K a month. We would need to get a loan for at least $60K. Yet another shock. I am exhausted from trying to research all of our options and absorbing all this information-hoping that maybe I can find some intensive out-patient options here, locally, but finding nothing.

We actually leave for a family vacation this Sunday, then my father and step-mom have offered to keep her for a few weeks afterwards, to give us a break and give us time to thoroughly research all of our options. Being with her 24/7 for a full week will be interesting at this stage in our relationship.

More when we return...

Oh and my camera is scheduled for delivery --two days after we leave for vacation. Not happy.

This quote just really resonated with me today, so I had to capture it somewhere.

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places."
-- Ernest Hemingway

Finally! The correct diagnosis.

It is not a pretty diagnosis. It is not one that can be cured with drugs or weekly therapy. But at least now we know what we are dealing with and maybe now, after wasting two years on the wrong labels, the wrong behaviors, the wrong treatments, and the wrong parenting styles--perhaps NOW we can begin to heal and to truly bond as a family.

RAD - Reactive Attachment Disorder is extremely prevalent in former foster kids, as well as institutionalized orphans around the world, but it was never mentioned in our girls chart. No, I was reading up on, and responding to the labels and meds she had when she arrived. Turns out she is not ADD, ADHD, Depressed, or Anxious. Now it all seems so obvious. When I read the list of symptoms/behaviors, it is so clear.

•Intense control battles, very bossy and argumentative; defiance and anger • Resists affection on parental terms • Lack of eye contact, especially with parents - will look into your eyes when lying • Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging • Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers • Poor peer relationships • Lies about the obvious • Lack of conscience - shows no remorse • Destructive to property, self and/or others • Lack of impulse control • Hypervigilant/Hyperactive • Learning lags/delays • Incessant chatter and/or questions • Inappropriately demanding and/or clingy • Food issues - hordes, gorges, refuses to eat, eats strange things, hides food • Very concerned about tiny hurts but brushes off big hurts • Parents appear hostile and angry • The child was neglected and/or physically abused in the first three years of life

I only removed 3 or 4 of the possible symptoms that do not apply to her. The rest cover her to a "t."

What do we do about it? We have to totally readjust our thinking and our parenting, which will not be easy since we have now built up a wall to protect ourselves from her behaviors. I have found support through a website forum filled with parents with similar issues and similar feelings and frustrations. Logically, I understand why she treats us the way she does, and logically I know that my anger is not a good response, but emotionally she exposes all of my fears and insecurities and I then operate from a base of fear, rejection, and pain, and not from a base of love; not as a loving parent. I will have to work very hard to try to overcome my personal feelings, and try to reconnect with her. My husband will, too.

The RAD therapies are intense, and I have not found a good referral for any local therapist specializing in RAD, so this may be more challenging than necessary. The treatment involves a lot of physical contact, and almost reverting our parenting as though we had an infant in our arms. Lots of cradling, holding, eye-contact, feeding by our hands, etc--all the things she apparently missed out on as an infant. Had we known her true disorder two years ago, before all the anger and hurt built up on both sides, this would have been much easier to attempt. I would have done anything for her in the beginning. I will need a lot of help to swallow my pride, let my defenses down, and put her needs before mine--knowing that initially she will go for the jugular, trying to push us away to validate her feelings of abandonment.

“Her smile was fake, like a piece of paper with a smile drawn on it had been glued to her face.” -Twisted, Laurie Halse Anderson

Party Barge

Today my department took us out on a Party Barge on Lake Travis for an off-site gathering. It was a beautiful overcast day, so not too hot. We rode over to Devils' Cove and tied off on a cliff. They brought plenty of Rudy's BBQ and coolers full of beverages. It was so relaxing just floating out there, visiting with folks, and not sitting in a cubicle trying to keep up with demand. I am sure we will all pay the price tomorrow with a backlog of work, but it was well worth it. One guy actually lives on the lake, so he went home, got on his Jet Ski and followed the barge to the cove. Then he let anyone who wanted to, ride it all around the cove.

Normally, on weekends, holidays, all summer, and of course, Spring Break, that cove would be full of boats and barges all tied together with parties, music, bands, boooze, and a lot of boobs, so when they said we were going to Devils' Cove I was a bit surprised. But on a Wednesday afternoon before school gets out, we pretty much had the cove to ourselves. Made for a very nice afternoon.

Birthday - slash - Mother's Day

So, do I mind that my birthday falls so close to Mother's Day each year? Nah, my family usually takes care of me just fine, but this year is especially exciting. My hubby spent weeks researching and found just the right deal for me! A new Canon EOS Rebel XT EOS350 8.0MP! The exciting news is that I can use my old Canon Rebel lenses and filters on the new digital. Plus the new one comes with several extras.

Besides the 18-55 MM lense and a battery, it comes with an additional 4GB CF Memory Card, an Extra Canon Li-ion Battery, a CF Card Reader, a Lens Cleaning Kit, a Deluxe Camera bag, and a Camera Tripod--I already have one, but an extra one can't hurt.

Now I just have to wait for it to arrive. Then maybe we will see some decent photos on this blog!

"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest."
--Larry Lorenzoni