Another phone call...

She called last night. She calls every night. And every night I let it go to voicemail.

But last night she had a staff member call and leave a message that she wanted to speak to us and say that they would really appreciate it if I called her back. So I called back. I got their voicemail. Then they called again and I asked if something happened or was there a problem, and the staff member told me that there was an incident and that DD was pretty upset and wanted to talk to me. So I accepted the call.

DD got on in hysterics. I couldn't understand her at all. IT took a while for her to speak in a tone I could understand and she was again asking to go home, saying that all the girls there wanted to kick her ass and if she didn't get out soon she was going to go off on them. She said that they told her that when she gets out of there that "it is on!" Whatever that means. So I asked what happened to get to this point with these girls so quickly, and of course she did nothing. They just don't like her, she doesn't know why because she has been nothing but nice to them. This is the same story I have heard about every conflict, physical or not, that she has had since we met her.

I asked her if she recalls living anywhere where she did not have problems. She said no. I asked why she thought that was a reoccurring issue in her life and she said she did not know--that people are just mean to her. She does not get it.

She then said that if we took her home now that she would definitely do everything we told her to do.

I calmly tried to explain that she needed to try to stand in my shoes and see what it might be like for me to listen to someone who has lied to me, defied me, and fought me for three years and see if she would be able to believe that someone. She said, "yeah, but THIS time, I promise!"

I repeated that she had a lot of work to do before I would believe her again, and probably before she would get out. Told her I would not go get her. So then she asked if we were going to go visit her this weekend. I asked her what for. She just wants a visitor. I don't blame her, but no, we will not. I have nothing to say to her, nothing I want to hear from her, and nothing has changed. It is still painful to be around her, and I told her that again this phone call was all about what I could do for her and that she still didn't get it. She has work to do. She will get nothing from me until she shows some progress towards recognizing that there are other people on this planet and recognizing her impact on other people.

The conversation ended very calmly. I asked her not to call anymore, and that whatever she has to say we can discuss at our next therapy session. She said OK, but I am sure my phone will ring again tonight between the hours of 6:00 - 8:00 -- her phone time.

I hate this...

We had our first "family" therapy with DD today. Ugh! DH and I raced home to get on a conference call. The therapist let DD start with a list of things that she wanted to ask us.

The list was really her list of demands. She wants her make-up, and more clothes, different shoes, and she wants me to list more people on the phone list so she can call people.

After some silence I asked if this was family therapy or DD's shopping list for us? It really went downhill from there, but the interesting thing was that with us not being in the same room with her, she was really mouthy and back-talking like she has never done in a session before. She really exposed herself, big time. We have not met the therapist in person, but she was direct with all of us and called DD on his B.S. It got pretty heated and ended within 30 minutes. I thought it was supposed to be for an hour, but was grateful for the brevity.

Unfortunately, I had to shift gears and get back to work; so did DH. We were both completely distracted and disturbed by the exchange. SHIT!!! She still makes us miserable.

Next week we are calling in again because of the holiday and because we have my MIL visiting for the first time in 20 years. I plan to say as little as possible and let DD continue to hang herself verbally. I do not want to get blown away by this kid every week. Oh yeah - after yelling at me because I told her that I don't believe that she misses me, she said to me in a very snotty tone that she thinks going back to her mom is a good idea. She is so FRIGGIN' DELUSIONAL!!! As if that is even an option. If it was, I would strip our name off her, hand deliver her ass, then move to a new town and go underground so she and her f'd up mother couldn't ever come looking for us or money.

The therapist said she would call later this week to follow-up. There are still so many unknowns. Oh - and this therapist doesn't believe it is RAD, but teenage oppositional definace disorder, and said that RAD was a childhood disorder. Yeah! Right. Whatever. I don't care what they label her, I just don't want her back. The therapist knows there is nothing that can be done with RAD, so maybe this is her way of getting DD to qualify for a longer stay. Somewhere in the conversation today someone mentioned six weeks--which is the first I've heard of--but I don't know any details. Supposedly they are going to do a new psychological assessment on her. Should be interesting to see what new label they come up with now.

I am so sick of this. DH actually called a lawyer again today, after the session. We are really at our wits end.

I got a call last night.

From DD. She was crying saying that she missed us and wanted to go back home, or back to the children's home. I played along and let her talk until she revealed what she really wanted---her stuff. When I finally cut her off saying that she didn't really miss us, she yelled back at me saying "Oh yeah? Then why did I cry myself to sleep last night?" And I said, because you are sad for you.

She again said that she wanted to go back to the children's home because they were very nice to her there, and I told her that she blew it. I reminded her that when I took her there that I told her that it was a nice place and that she needed to take advantage of this opportunity to make it work, otherwise she would go to an RTC. She remembered, so I asked her what she did, and she muttered, "got into trouble." From day one to the minutes before we picked her up she got into trouble.

I reminded her of the conversation that we have had over and over again about how if she doesn't behave responsibly, that more and more of her freedoms would be taken from her. I told her that she could get out of there if she did the work to get out of there, but that I can no longer help her and that the children's home is no longer an option for her, and that if she doesn't like it there that maybe she should learn what she needs to do so she doesn't ever go back there, or ever go to jail.

She kept trying to play on my sympathy, whining that she had only had one group therapy session so far and no individual therapy (having heard me complain last time about the lack of therapy she was getting). When that didn't work she cried about all her friends leaving the next day...the "friends" she just met less than 24 hours earlier. I told her new friends would be coming soon and that she would be fine.

It was not a fun call and I will now limit how many calls I accept from her a week. She needs to do the work. I cannot fix her and she cannot fix herself, so maybe her discomfort there means that they MIGHT be doing something right? Maybe they will get some small breakthrough with her? Of maybe she just wants her stuff...

OK - she's in...

We got approval for 14 days. The RTC will likely ask for an extension to at least 30 days, then we will wing it from there.

YFT came back with an assessment of Moderate --- not what we needed. So LSS will submit new information including the admission to a psychiatric hospital and possibly the new medications she will likely be prescribed. All of this should help raise her to the Specialized level of care.

So while there is some validation from this experience...

...unfortunately, she will not remain at the residential home for basic care kids.

Yep - the housemom gave me a head's up that DD will not be staying, but she was willing to keep her a few more days while we try to work out some other plan. We have talked about every other day, so while we have been incredibly relaxed, and genuinely happy in the house for the past couple of weeks, I still get my little reminders every other day.

Her behaviors lately have included:

• being in a girl's closet after lights out, requesting to borrow a pair of "really short-short. I NEED a pair of really short-shorts,"
• when asked what she was doing in someone else's room (against the rules) while still standing in the closet with the housemom facing her, she said "I'm not!"
• hanging all over some boys who came to the cottage with their families, from church, to provide an ice cream party for the girls. The housemom had to pull her off of them 5 times. Then she saw one of the other girl's, who was standing next to the boys, mouth to DD the words, "He says he loves you too!"
• saying that the housemom approved the song that she wanted to sing for an upcoming talent show (Carrie Underwood's The Next Time) when the talent show coordinator approached her about the inappropriateness of the song (about cheating and dressing like a tramp, etc)
• speaking out loud, at 2:00, from her bed, a very erotic, sexually-graphic one-sided dialogue about a boy. The housemom thought she was having phone sex with someone, and got DD out of bed and tore it apart looking for a cell phone, but found nothing. DD claimed to be asleep, but both the housemom and I know that she was not. The next day the housemom asked DD to write down her dream and she fabricated this big story about being in college, getting married, and somehow becoming pregnant and having a baby.
• talking to all the girls about this boy on campus, who she has only seen from across the campus and never really met, about how much she likes him. His name was used in the erotic monologue as well.

Apparently DD is hellbent on getting laid and getting pregnant! She is obsessed with boys and getting their attention and most of her problems at the home have been around breaking the rules, lying, and stealing to satisfy her need to look and act like a skank. This is an extremely Christian children's home and they are suppose to only take basic-care kids, not kids with behavior problems, and certainly not kids with personality disorders (although they won't give her the official label of Narcissistic Personality Disorder until she is 18 --- even the housemom called that one, on top of the Attachment Disorder). So, now on to plan B.

While last week at work was one of the most intense weeks, and will be followed up with more next week as we roll out a new software application for people to transition to, I also get to deal with the crap. On Friday alone, I probably made and received a total of 15 calls. This gets kind of complicated now because there are so many possibilities and very little is in our control, and we are entering a world of acronyms. We are at the mercy of others, at this point, but this too shall end.

1) I called a residential treatment center (RTC)-- the same crappy one she was in back in September. Why the same one, because they will almost HAVE to let her back in since we removed her "Against medical advice" and they rated her a GAF score of 38 upon dismissal. We should hear Monday if they are willing to do a Clinical Assessment--which means taking off work, driving to Belton, and playing with them for at least half the day.

2) I talked to insurance, and they seemed more likely to cover this particular RTC because they are in-network. They are waiting for the Clinical Assessment.

3) I talked to Lutheran Social Services of the South (LSSS) and they filed papers with another agency -- Youth for Tomorrow (YFT) -- to get DD's Level of Care (LOC) raised from Basic to Specialized. [There are four levels, Basic, Moderate, Specialized, and Intensive --we need Specialized for her to qualify for state funds to manage her costs for three months]

4) If she gets into the RTC, she can stay there as long as she is qualified per the insurance company. When funds end, IF she is at an LOC of Specialized, then LSSS can kick in and we can get her into a local, all-girls RTC that is capable of managing her until she is 18, if qualified.

5) IF we can get her to the all-girl's location, she can stay for the three months covered by LSSS. At some point, determined by LSSS, we can then apply through LSSS for Temporary Management Conservatorship (TMC). TMC is where the state takes partial (and supposedly temporary) custody of the child so that the state can manage the kids treatment resources. It is possible to maintain TMC until the kid is 18, but of course, the ultimate goal is "reunification of the family" so there are still hoops to jump and games to play.

6) IF insurance says NO to the RTC, we have to wait for YFT to make a decision. DD would return to the home while we wait.

7) IF YFT says yes, then IF there are openings at the all-girl's RTC, we can put her there immediately (as of Friday they did not have an opening). IF YFT says NO, then we can reapply and try to strengthen the case for a new LOC. In the meantime, she will be returned to our home.

8) IF everyone says NO, then we have decided to get a lawyer and end this, regardless of the charges filed against us. We are already having to spend an inordinate amount of time fighting, why not fight in a way that gets us to some result. I'm sure it will not be easy and certainly not cheap, but I think we can easily prove that we have exhausted all options, and maybe we can even get folks like the housemom to testify on our behalf. I don't know how all that would play out, and would prefer to not go there, because we all lose then, but we are running out of options.

All of these agencies know, that even if she gets placed until she 18, she still gets better service/treatment if she is attached (literally, not emotionally) to a family. If the adoption is dissolved, I saw the cottage in the back of the RTC where they put the kids that no one goes to see--the unwanted. You'd think that they might remain there until they are 18, since no one is likely to adopt them, but the state has this clever tactic called - EMANCIPATION - where they approach a 16-year old and ask if they would like $1000 and to be emancipated to do whatever they want. So, realistically, a 16-year old could be released to the streets with no life skills, personality and behavior disorders, and $1000 (which sounds like a lot to a kid) to fend for themselves.

They have to go through an emancipation program, but 90% the homeless kids that hang out on the main university drag in town, were either emancipated early, or aged-out of the system. Then we ALL get to pay for their vagrancy and petty crimes to survive. In other words, if the State won't find a way to help her now, the state will take care of her later, probably in a prison. All I know is that I cannot help her in my home, and the BEST that I can do for her is try to get her to a place where she can be treated, taught, and isolated from temptation until she is older. All of her fantasies (written and spoken out loud from under her blankets in the middle of the night, while in the children's home) are about sex, sometimes with multiple people, and about having a baby. She turned 13-years old three weeks ago...

Right or wrong, the goal is to not bring her back into this house --- ever. The extreme difference in our home is too overwhelming to ignore and I will NOT go back to what we had before. Ideally, we will pick her up on Wednesday, drive her to Belton, and get at least a few weeks to a few months there before insurance hits the breaks. By then we will have an answer from YFT, and we hopefully can smoothly transition her to the all-girl's RTC, if they have an opening. If there is no opening, and the Belton RTC still sees a need for treatment regardless of what insurance says, she can stay there and YFT will pick up the tab for three months, or until we can get her transferred to the all-girl's location.

So -- while we sit in limbo, we had a WONDERFUL Father's Day, in peace. On Saturday night, we had my mother over for her birthday, in peace. No drama. No craziness. No skankiness.

Meanwhile, the poor housemom at the Children's home is losing her mind. She vents for an hour plus each time I talk to her. She fears that I won't believe her because it all sounds so crazy, but I assured her that I believed EVERY word she said. She has had about 10 days with DD -- I told her to try 1000!

[Global Assessment of Functioning (GAF) 40-31 Major impairment of functioning in several areas and unable to function in one of these areas (ie., disturbed at home, at school, with peers, or in society at large, eg., persistent aggression without clear instigation; markedly withdrawn and isolated behaviour due to either mood or thought disturbance, suicidal attempts with clear lethal intent; such children are likely to require special schooling and/or hospitalization or withdrawal from school (but this is not a sufficient criterion for inclusion in this category).] http://www.health.nsw.gov.au/policy/cmh/mhoat/outcome_measures/CGASv1.pdf

Update on the Children's Home

OK - Just got a call from the house-mom. Where to begin...

She went into another girl's room (against the rules) and took a magazine, ripped pages out of it (boys faces) and had the pages laying on her bed. When confronted, she denied doing any of it.

In her closet they found a pair of another girl's shoes. She said she was borrowing them. (So 1-went into another room, 2- took something that was not hers 3- lied about it).

Then to attempt to deflect the attention, accused the shoe owning girl or stealing her razors. Swears that I packed 10 razors and now she only has four (I only packed four).

So - House mom says - if you have 10 razors, why did you ask me for one last night. DD says - "because I don't like these."

DD's bathing suit is a two piece. She must have a one piece, so she told the house mom in training that if she would take her to Walmart to get a new suit, that she could use the $40 I gave her. (I did not give her $40--but the two twenty dollars bills gave it away that this was indeed the other little girl from school's money. DD's birthday money was in smaller bills, so no more confusion there.)

DD is cozy-ing up to the new house mom in training--a sweet, quiet character. DD told this woman that mom's last boyfriend raped her. (Not true and she has NEVER said this before to us or any therapist, police officer, medical examiner, CPS worker, or foster family.)

Not even 48 hours into it.

I asked the mom if these were fatal errors, because our lives are in limbo until we know what the next step is, and she hesitated, and stuttered a bit, but eventually said that she didn't say that DD wouldn't make it, but having three RAD girls in the house might be too much! Ya think!??! Hell--- ONE is too much!

This coming from a woman who is trained for this. She and her husband have been doing this for thirty years, this is their job--this is all they do--no additional work stressers, AND they have JESUS on their side, and they are struggling with her. I said - "welcome to my world. This has been our daily life for the last three years". She then commented that if she could just see a little remorse it might be OK. I told her that she never would, and if she did, then she has powers much stronger than mine. I wished her luck.

I will start working on our back-up plan in earnest now.

"Consideration Visit" begins

She's in. Well, for a one week trial period, to see if she is a good match.

We took her on Tuesday afternoon. She was very comfortable--a familiar environment for her. We spent a couple of hours talking to the house parents and getting a little tour, then took off. Not two blocks from the house, my phone rang. DD approached the house-mom and said she needed to go to a choir concert in a hour. We had to go back to the house and explain that the concert would not be happening. She lived here now, and no longer attended that school or belonged to that choir. She was fine with that, so we left again.

Then at 9:00 at night I got a call from a girl looking for DD. No one ever really calls for her, so the timing was awkward. I explained that DD was not home, but I could take a message. The girl seemed stressed and frustrated, but eventually said good bye.

A few minutes later, the phone rang again. It was the girl's father, and he was definitely frustrated and angry.

He said there was an incident at school between his daughter and DD and he was trying to get to the bottom of it. Said his daughter wanted a yearbook, so he gave her $40. The school said she couldn't order a book without a form. She shared this story with DD. DD convinced the girl to the money to her and she would use the form that she had to buy the book for the girl. Two class periods later, DD told the girl that the money was stolen from her.

Ugh! Told the man I would call the school in the morning and try to get to the bottom of it. Well, the teacher in charge of final yearbook orders wanted nothing to do with this. She just wanted to be done, so she handed a book to the girl, without question and without researching if DD actually bought a book. So no resolution on that end.

We are not to contact DD for one week, so can't ask her either--not that she would give us the truth anyway. Just knowing her, I believe she either has the cash or has a new yearbook. She would not sit still if she really was a the victim of a theft. I guess it doesn't matter now, but it felt like one last parting shot at our serenity. Makes it easier to let go.

Nothing is final yet. She could easily wind up back in our home, but at that point we pursue other avenues. For now, we can all just breathe a little easier in the house, and in our lives in general.

One more day....?

So, last Thursday was a good day! Not only did I find out that my DS is exempt from all of his finals because of his grades in class and on the state assessment tests, but I heard from the Children's Home and they can take her earlier!! She will miss the last two days of school, since our district goes longer, but seriously --- what happens in the last days of schools that could be so important.

So, come Tuesday, I will go home at noon, pack her bags,pick her up from school a little early, and DH & I will go take her for her consideration visit. This is still not a done deal, but closer to some sort of resolution.

Then Saturday, DH & DS went to Home Depot and I was out in the backyard. DD saw it as an opportunity to break another rule--and she would have gotten away with it too, if she were a little brighter.

When I came back into the house, the phone rang, and I heard her run to her door upstairs. I could see from the caller ID that it was the same boy that we've told multiple times not to call, explaining over and over that she does not take calls from boys. He then threw her under the bus saying that she called him and told him to call. I explained again that he is not to call, no matter what she says.

From downstairs I yelled up to her to stay off the phone. She came half way down the stairs to argue her case--saying she wasn't on the phone and that she never gave him her number and that she never told him to call. So I went upstairs to my bedroom phone and hit redial. Guess who's number came up? Yep - the boys. Argggh!

A few minutes later, he called again. I then got mean--this has gone on for about a month now. I asked if her were "slow." He said, "huh?" I asked what part of "do not call again" was confusing to him and offered to help explain it to him in further detail. Eventually he hung up on me.

Later that night, around 10:00 PM., an adult female called and simply said "Who is this!??" My DH asked back - "Who is this??? You called me. Who are you!!??" There was some confusion and he asked, "are you __________ mother?" And she hung up.

About ten minutes later the phone rang again, this time with the boy's caller ID again. I answered and it was the adult female again. She started off really huffy, complaining that she was tired of the inappropriate messages being left by DD on her son's answering message. She was tired of the late night text messages coming in from her (from last weekend when she used her cousin's phone to text and call). Then the woman started defending her son as a good boy and how she only allows him appropriate interaction with girls and DD asking him to secretly meet her in the "ditch" a block away from our home was inappropriate.

I apologized for DD's behavior and stated that this was a challenge we have and that while we are battling this, I would appreciate it if she could get her son to comply with our requests to not call regardless of what DD says. She was still snippy with me.

So I dumped a little on her, letting her know that we adopted DD three years ago, that she has some issues that we are working with, and that this was our rule as her parents and that it didn't have anything to do with her or her son. The she dumped back on me. Good gosh...

This woman was s3xually and physically abused all her life and watched her father abuse and attempt to kill her mother numerous times. Then she ran away when she was 15 and eventually lived with a 28-year old. Gave up her first born for adoption. Then had her son later with someone who was also abusive and she moved here with her son all by herself. She wanted to meet with me. She wanted to advise me. She wants to go back to school to be a therapist to help children of abuse. Her son is bi-polar, ADHD, and depressed and she thinks that our kids just want to talk with each other and that this would be a good thing. Dang! Didn't she just say my DD wanted to meet her son in a ditch!?!? That is a little more than TALKING. She also said she took her son to therapists out of town, not finding any here that she liked. She also mentioned that she took him to the very residential treatment center DD attended last fall. *sigh*

I could not end this call. I was trying to be sensitive to her feelings and apologized for dredging up all this stuff for her, but she wanted to meet for coffee!!! I had to delicately back out saying that we just have way too much going on right now. she continued to share her past and talk about how Jesus got her through it all and that Jesus may have brought these kids together so they can help each other. I tried to explain to her that while that sounded logical, that logic does not apply here, that until DD shows that she can make responsible decisions, we cannot allow her to make her own decisions about being with a boy.

This was such a painfully awkward call. I thanked her over and over for calling and kept encouraging her. I also tried to reinforce our need for her to support our decision as a parent to not have the kids call each other. DD JUST turned 13 last weekend. Most girls can probably handle calls from boys at this age. DD is not most girls.

Hopefully the calls will subside, especially since DD will not be here, at least for a week, possibly longer.Tomorrow is not the end to this struggle; simply a new chapter. Hopefully a chapter that is beneficial for all parties--not just the welfare of the child.