Picking Fights

For the past several weeks, DD has been trying to pick a fight with DH every morning as they prepare to leave for school/work. I leave for work before her morning routine begins, and DS is already at school for before-school wrestling practice. Every afternoon, when he picks her up, she tries for more. He has learned to just ignore her as much as possible and to not engage. She feeds off our anger. We've been told that our demonstrations of anger help relieve some of the inner anger she denies having, without her having to deal with it herself. We've been told to stop getting angry. To just let go.

So far she has packed her backpack with toys, jewelry, changes of clothes, novels, etc. She has worn ridiculous clothing combinations and she has put so much product (what exactly we cannot tell) in her hair that she looks filthy and greasy. Trying to tell her that she looks better without, only brings scorn, anger, and a total victim persona from her. Plus, she says that she thinks she looks pretty. She is in the seventh grade. She says everyone is mean to her and she is tired of people calling her names, but trying to protect her from further ridicule makes us mean and bossy in her eyes. We have let go of this battle.

In the afternoons, she has on tons of make-up that other girls provide. None of the other girls have on as much make-up as she wears, and sometimes tries to half-wash off--making her look liked a drowned clown. When asked where she got the make-up, she screams that her friends "made" her put it on. The multi-colors of nail polish on her fingers and toes, layers upon layers of colors all mangled and messed up from being touched and smashed while wet, are another new element she's added. We did not buy her this polish. Somewhere she accumulated several bottles of polish that she now applies daily, without removing the old. We have let go of this battle as well.

We have looked the other way, trying to pick our battles, but apparently she needs to feed. Her anger needs release, and if we don't yell at her, she is stuck having to deal with her own anger.

This morning she packed her backpack again. This time with a couple changes of clothes. When asked why she was taking all the extra clothes, she got angry. He pushed for an answer and she replied, "because I don't like what I am wearing." Mind you, she picks out her clothes--I gave up that battle about 9 months ago. We don't know what she was really planning for the clothes. Perhaps she was going to give them away. Perhaps she was going to change for a certain class or a certain boy. We may never know. My husband did make her take the clothes out of the backpack. When he said "fine, let's get going" and put his hand on her shoulder to guide her towards the garage, she spun around and snapped at him. "Don't touch me!!" He said, "What? Let's go" and again she screamed at him not to touch her.

My fear is that she is gearing up for a big confrontation and is preparing to falsely accuse him of something. She is setting him up for something.

Tonight I approached her to tell her that we know she is looking for a fight. [We have been told to stop asking "Why?" The only answer to that is 'because I am a dumb ass," and no one will ever say that, so don't ask why.] She denied it, but then added that she didn't like anyone grabbing her or her hair.

I asked if DH grabbed her or her hair, and she told me no. Anyone who didn't know us might not know to ask her for that clarification. They may just assume, and understandably so, that what she meant is that he grabbed her so she screamed at him. That is also what she hopes you think when she says things like that. So I stated [again, not asking why] that she screamed at him for trying to get her to school on time and guiding her towards the car. She agreed.

I stated that she was packing all this stuff in her backpack to provoke him and to start a fight, so she responded by saying that DS was talking about her while she was at RTC. That DS told a neighbor that she was at an RTC and that he was cussing about her.

This is a great tactic of hers, to deflect responsibility, to change the focus of the conversation, and to blame someone else. DS doesn't even know what an RTC is, or use the lingo. DS never talks to the girl she claimed told her this about DS. Even if he did--that had nothing to do with this conversation. I shut her down saying I was not talking about DS, I was talking about her behaviors. She still insisted to tell me of DS' alleged actions. I yelled her name once, and shut her down. Told her that this time we would stay focused on her behavior. I asked if she was blaming DS for her packing all the clothes. I asked if she was blaming DS or maybe even DH for lying to me during our last three conversations. I asked if DS was the reason that she back talks to DH everyday? OF course, there is no answer to these ridiculous rhetorical questions.

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This is a tired conversation. This is a broken record. I don't know why I even bother. I just wanted to put her on notice that I am aware of her recent actions and that I hold her accountable for everything she does and that she needs to stop picking fights with him every morning.

I have no leverage--nothing to bribe or threaten her with to enforce this demand to stop fighting. When someone cares about nothing, there is nothing to lose. There is nothing you can take away from them that matters to them. There is no fear of consequences. There is no desire to please or to not disappoint. I have no tools with this kid. So we wait. We wait until all the players agree that this is done. This is over. Or we wait for her to escalate the process by accusing one of us, even my son, of doing wrong by her, and let the police or CPS end this for us all.

From Adopting.Org
"Being accused of child abuse when you are innocent is a nightmare that many cannot comprehend who have not lived it. False abuse allegation is a life-shattering catastrophe. And it happens to foster and adoptive parents all the time.

Why? Because many of the kids they care for have emotional, mental and behavioral problems. Some of them will use false abuse accusations as a weapon or a tool to get their way. A few are just trying to get attention. Since some of them have been abused in the past by former caregivers, the details of their accusations can sound very convincing."