We are back to square one again with her. We are not pursuing dissolution now, as Lutheran feels that the judges in our particular county will rake us over the coals stating that we haven't tried everything since we haven't put her back on drugs. She has been on so many combinations of so many drugs for over 6 years, and has had the same behaviors and issues throughout. Not sure what anyone expects will change, but fine, we will play along. Otherwise, we need to be prepared to shell out an initial $5K for a lawyer, to get charged with child abandonment, and to possibly pay child support to the state until her 18th birthday.
We cannot find a psychiatrist to treat her that is on our insurance plan, takes Medicaid, or is contracted with Lutheran Services--if we do find one, they are not taking any new patients. So getting her on drugs has posed a challenge, even to Lutheran. Our fourth therapist just dismissed us--and scheduled new people in our time slot--saying that when she recommended dissolution to Lutheran she didn't expect to see us again. No RTC will take her because she isn't cutting anyone--not crazy enough, and the Children's Homes will not take her because she has too many behaviors--too crazy. We can't fix this. She can't fix this. Nobody else will fix this, and if we try to get out of this, we are the bad guys. It is not a pretty picture. There is no end in sight. We just try to limit interaction.
We get the results of her latest psych eval on the 5th. Not sure what to expect or what that will do for us. I think my next move is to write to every RAD-specialized treatment center in the country, documenting the effort, to see if any of them will work with the insurance/Medicaid that we have available. We will no longer even play with the idea of getting a $60K loan to try to get her one year of help somewhere--with absolutely NO guarantee of any improvement.
We got a call from a teacher on Friday saying that she has tried very hard to work with DD and her behaviors but that she is at her wits end. She cannot seat her next to anyone without problems and when an incident escalated on Friday, she eventually asked DD to join her in the hall. At first, she refused, but eventually left the classroom. She continued to confront the teacher in the hall, escalating it further until the teacher said she would have to call her parents. At that point, DD went into her "Jerry Springer" mode and said "Oh no you won't!" The teacher was shocked and tried again to calm the situation, but nothing worked. She again said she would have to call us, to which DD again said. "No, you won't be calling my parents."
When the teacher told DH the story she sounded like she wanted to smack her in that moment. She said that if she had ever talked like that to a teacher that she would have met the back side of her mother's hand when she got home. He told her that we completely understand, and that we have the same issues at home and asked that she simply document everything--because other parties think WE are crazy and over-react. Told her to kick her out, if she had to. Apparently this has been going on since the beginning of the school year and all of the teachers have just been trying to work with her--show her some compassion and patience. Unfortunately, she has worn them out as well.
So - for now we have no therapist. We have no psychiatrist. The psychologist who did the eval only agreed to do the testing, but will not see her as a patient. The only psychiatrist in town with openings refuses to treat her condition. And all of this will reflect on us as not trying everything to help this kid and to "preserve the family." The state knew what they were dealing us, and now we are the ones failing this kid. We get to be the scapegoat for the dozens of people who failed this kid, to get her to this state.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
What does a divorce feel like?
I mean an amicable one, where both parties agree to go their separate ways? I imagine that while there is some relief, there is also a lot of pain and disappointment. I image that both parties had high hopes, dreams, and fantasies about spending the rest of their lives together--becoming a family. Both parties go into the relationship with love and happiness and I would guess that both leave with sadness, loss, and a sense of failure or frustration.
We are at the beginning of the end with DD, and I have such jumbled feelings about the reality of it all. The steps are in motion.
Tonight, at our family session, the therapist first met with us alone. She asked us what we thought about the group session on Saturday. We shared our feelings of devastation, or hopelessness, or sadness from the realization that this won't get better. That we are looking at years of therapy and conflict, without end.
She acted a bit surprised, but then said she made some phone calls today. She called Lutheran Services and recommended that they end this quickly and not make us jump through all the hoops--that it is too painful and destructive for us all, including DD. She recommended that they not pursue RTC and that if they do get her into an RTC that they start the dissolution proceedings while she is in a residential center. She recommended getting DD out of the house as soon as possible, before things get worse. She also recommended that any further therapy be with DD only with the purpose of preparing her for transition and trying to help her learn what role she played in all of this and what she might try to do differently next time. She does not want us to do family therapy anymore--trying to preserve the family--whether it is done through an RTC or through individual therapy. She said that some kids are just not adoptable and that DD may do very well in an institution setting where no one pressures her to bond. Where she has some stability and intensive therapy and guidance. She started the wheels in motion. Tomorrow there is a conference call between the therapist and the staff at Lutheran. She then wants me to call in on Monday to see what options there are and what decision Lutheran makes.
Much like the miscarriage last month, the primary feeling is relief, but there is also a deep pain and a sense of severe loss. A death, if you will. A death of a daughter I've never known, and never will.
The therapist then spoke to DD alone to prepare her for the upcoming events. DD emerged in tears--not for us, but for her school. She was mad. She is ready to leave us, but requested a foster home in our neighborhood. The truth is, it will not be easy for CPS to find a place for her, and they most likely will not grant her request. While I wish her no ill, I really prefer that she NOT be at the same school or in the same neighborhood. We live in a small suburb--too small. In a couple of years, she and DS will both be in High School. I selfishly do not want them in the same school, and I can't imagine running into her in the neighborhood, or local stores in the coming years. That would just be too hard. This will already be extremely difficult as it is. I know that she wants stability, and I completely understand that, but I don't think she has thought through what staying in this area would really mean for her either.
The therapist made it sound like she could be removed pretty quickly, but that the dissolution might take months. I guess I initially envisioned this happening after the holidays. It will be odd if she is gone before Christmas, but so much less complicated for so many people. I do, however, worry about my young nieces and nephew. I'm not sure how they will take this all in. I don't want to hurt them, or frighten them. I'm sure that for the rest of our lives that everyone we know, including them, will at one time or another describe us as the "couple who returned their adoptive daughter after two years." I know this, and I understand this. I would do the same.
When we first read DD's bio, during the adoption process and read that two families tried adopting her and each returned her after 6 to 8 weeks, we were mortified. "How do you return a kid?!?!? This is not a puppy that you take back to the pound! What kind of heartless people were they?" Now I know that they weren't heartless at all. They just saw the signs much clearer and were much more honest with themselves about the level of emotional disturbance this child has and honest about what they knew they could not handle. They did not listen to CPS or the well-meaning CASA worker who dismissed the frightening labels already adhered to DD. They saved themselves and DD from a long, drawn-out failure. They ended it quickly. They both also blind-sided DD--giving her no warning of thier intent to disrupt the adoption process. She came home to packed bags at the door, or was picked up at school by a CPS worker and taken to a foster home.
In wanting to be honest, and show her some respect, we are staying pretty open with her. We are not sure that she is mature enough to handle the truth, or that we are doing the right thing by keeping her informed, but I simply don't know any other way. There is no nice way to remove someone from your house--especially a child. This is all just so ugly.
We are at the beginning of the end with DD, and I have such jumbled feelings about the reality of it all. The steps are in motion.
Tonight, at our family session, the therapist first met with us alone. She asked us what we thought about the group session on Saturday. We shared our feelings of devastation, or hopelessness, or sadness from the realization that this won't get better. That we are looking at years of therapy and conflict, without end.
She acted a bit surprised, but then said she made some phone calls today. She called Lutheran Services and recommended that they end this quickly and not make us jump through all the hoops--that it is too painful and destructive for us all, including DD. She recommended that they not pursue RTC and that if they do get her into an RTC that they start the dissolution proceedings while she is in a residential center. She recommended getting DD out of the house as soon as possible, before things get worse. She also recommended that any further therapy be with DD only with the purpose of preparing her for transition and trying to help her learn what role she played in all of this and what she might try to do differently next time. She does not want us to do family therapy anymore--trying to preserve the family--whether it is done through an RTC or through individual therapy. She said that some kids are just not adoptable and that DD may do very well in an institution setting where no one pressures her to bond. Where she has some stability and intensive therapy and guidance. She started the wheels in motion. Tomorrow there is a conference call between the therapist and the staff at Lutheran. She then wants me to call in on Monday to see what options there are and what decision Lutheran makes.
Much like the miscarriage last month, the primary feeling is relief, but there is also a deep pain and a sense of severe loss. A death, if you will. A death of a daughter I've never known, and never will.
The therapist then spoke to DD alone to prepare her for the upcoming events. DD emerged in tears--not for us, but for her school. She was mad. She is ready to leave us, but requested a foster home in our neighborhood. The truth is, it will not be easy for CPS to find a place for her, and they most likely will not grant her request. While I wish her no ill, I really prefer that she NOT be at the same school or in the same neighborhood. We live in a small suburb--too small. In a couple of years, she and DS will both be in High School. I selfishly do not want them in the same school, and I can't imagine running into her in the neighborhood, or local stores in the coming years. That would just be too hard. This will already be extremely difficult as it is. I know that she wants stability, and I completely understand that, but I don't think she has thought through what staying in this area would really mean for her either.
The therapist made it sound like she could be removed pretty quickly, but that the dissolution might take months. I guess I initially envisioned this happening after the holidays. It will be odd if she is gone before Christmas, but so much less complicated for so many people. I do, however, worry about my young nieces and nephew. I'm not sure how they will take this all in. I don't want to hurt them, or frighten them. I'm sure that for the rest of our lives that everyone we know, including them, will at one time or another describe us as the "couple who returned their adoptive daughter after two years." I know this, and I understand this. I would do the same.
When we first read DD's bio, during the adoption process and read that two families tried adopting her and each returned her after 6 to 8 weeks, we were mortified. "How do you return a kid?!?!? This is not a puppy that you take back to the pound! What kind of heartless people were they?" Now I know that they weren't heartless at all. They just saw the signs much clearer and were much more honest with themselves about the level of emotional disturbance this child has and honest about what they knew they could not handle. They did not listen to CPS or the well-meaning CASA worker who dismissed the frightening labels already adhered to DD. They saved themselves and DD from a long, drawn-out failure. They ended it quickly. They both also blind-sided DD--giving her no warning of thier intent to disrupt the adoption process. She came home to packed bags at the door, or was picked up at school by a CPS worker and taken to a foster home.
In wanting to be honest, and show her some respect, we are staying pretty open with her. We are not sure that she is mature enough to handle the truth, or that we are doing the right thing by keeping her informed, but I simply don't know any other way. There is no nice way to remove someone from your house--especially a child. This is all just so ugly.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Picking Fights
For the past several weeks, DD has been trying to pick a fight with DH every morning as they prepare to leave for school/work. I leave for work before her morning routine begins, and DS is already at school for before-school wrestling practice. Every afternoon, when he picks her up, she tries for more. He has learned to just ignore her as much as possible and to not engage. She feeds off our anger. We've been told that our demonstrations of anger help relieve some of the inner anger she denies having, without her having to deal with it herself. We've been told to stop getting angry. To just let go.
So far she has packed her backpack with toys, jewelry, changes of clothes, novels, etc. She has worn ridiculous clothing combinations and she has put so much product (what exactly we cannot tell) in her hair that she looks filthy and greasy. Trying to tell her that she looks better without, only brings scorn, anger, and a total victim persona from her. Plus, she says that she thinks she looks pretty. She is in the seventh grade. She says everyone is mean to her and she is tired of people calling her names, but trying to protect her from further ridicule makes us mean and bossy in her eyes. We have let go of this battle.
In the afternoons, she has on tons of make-up that other girls provide. None of the other girls have on as much make-up as she wears, and sometimes tries to half-wash off--making her look liked a drowned clown. When asked where she got the make-up, she screams that her friends "made" her put it on. The multi-colors of nail polish on her fingers and toes, layers upon layers of colors all mangled and messed up from being touched and smashed while wet, are another new element she's added. We did not buy her this polish. Somewhere she accumulated several bottles of polish that she now applies daily, without removing the old. We have let go of this battle as well.
We have looked the other way, trying to pick our battles, but apparently she needs to feed. Her anger needs release, and if we don't yell at her, she is stuck having to deal with her own anger.
This morning she packed her backpack again. This time with a couple changes of clothes. When asked why she was taking all the extra clothes, she got angry. He pushed for an answer and she replied, "because I don't like what I am wearing." Mind you, she picks out her clothes--I gave up that battle about 9 months ago. We don't know what she was really planning for the clothes. Perhaps she was going to give them away. Perhaps she was going to change for a certain class or a certain boy. We may never know. My husband did make her take the clothes out of the backpack. When he said "fine, let's get going" and put his hand on her shoulder to guide her towards the garage, she spun around and snapped at him. "Don't touch me!!" He said, "What? Let's go" and again she screamed at him not to touch her.
My fear is that she is gearing up for a big confrontation and is preparing to falsely accuse him of something. She is setting him up for something.
Tonight I approached her to tell her that we know she is looking for a fight. [We have been told to stop asking "Why?" The only answer to that is 'because I am a dumb ass," and no one will ever say that, so don't ask why.] She denied it, but then added that she didn't like anyone grabbing her or her hair.
I asked if DH grabbed her or her hair, and she told me no. Anyone who didn't know us might not know to ask her for that clarification. They may just assume, and understandably so, that what she meant is that he grabbed her so she screamed at him. That is also what she hopes you think when she says things like that. So I stated [again, not asking why] that she screamed at him for trying to get her to school on time and guiding her towards the car. She agreed.
I stated that she was packing all this stuff in her backpack to provoke him and to start a fight, so she responded by saying that DS was talking about her while she was at RTC. That DS told a neighbor that she was at an RTC and that he was cussing about her.
This is a great tactic of hers, to deflect responsibility, to change the focus of the conversation, and to blame someone else. DS doesn't even know what an RTC is, or use the lingo. DS never talks to the girl she claimed told her this about DS. Even if he did--that had nothing to do with this conversation. I shut her down saying I was not talking about DS, I was talking about her behaviors. She still insisted to tell me of DS' alleged actions. I yelled her name once, and shut her down. Told her that this time we would stay focused on her behavior. I asked if she was blaming DS for her packing all the clothes. I asked if she was blaming DS or maybe even DH for lying to me during our last three conversations. I asked if DS was the reason that she back talks to DH everyday? OF course, there is no answer to these ridiculous rhetorical questions.
- - - - - - -
This is a tired conversation. This is a broken record. I don't know why I even bother. I just wanted to put her on notice that I am aware of her recent actions and that I hold her accountable for everything she does and that she needs to stop picking fights with him every morning.
I have no leverage--nothing to bribe or threaten her with to enforce this demand to stop fighting. When someone cares about nothing, there is nothing to lose. There is nothing you can take away from them that matters to them. There is no fear of consequences. There is no desire to please or to not disappoint. I have no tools with this kid. So we wait. We wait until all the players agree that this is done. This is over. Or we wait for her to escalate the process by accusing one of us, even my son, of doing wrong by her, and let the police or CPS end this for us all.
From Adopting.Org
"Being accused of child abuse when you are innocent is a nightmare that many cannot comprehend who have not lived it. False abuse allegation is a life-shattering catastrophe. And it happens to foster and adoptive parents all the time.
Why? Because many of the kids they care for have emotional, mental and behavioral problems. Some of them will use false abuse accusations as a weapon or a tool to get their way. A few are just trying to get attention. Since some of them have been abused in the past by former caregivers, the details of their accusations can sound very convincing."
So far she has packed her backpack with toys, jewelry, changes of clothes, novels, etc. She has worn ridiculous clothing combinations and she has put so much product (what exactly we cannot tell) in her hair that she looks filthy and greasy. Trying to tell her that she looks better without, only brings scorn, anger, and a total victim persona from her. Plus, she says that she thinks she looks pretty. She is in the seventh grade. She says everyone is mean to her and she is tired of people calling her names, but trying to protect her from further ridicule makes us mean and bossy in her eyes. We have let go of this battle.
In the afternoons, she has on tons of make-up that other girls provide. None of the other girls have on as much make-up as she wears, and sometimes tries to half-wash off--making her look liked a drowned clown. When asked where she got the make-up, she screams that her friends "made" her put it on. The multi-colors of nail polish on her fingers and toes, layers upon layers of colors all mangled and messed up from being touched and smashed while wet, are another new element she's added. We did not buy her this polish. Somewhere she accumulated several bottles of polish that she now applies daily, without removing the old. We have let go of this battle as well.
We have looked the other way, trying to pick our battles, but apparently she needs to feed. Her anger needs release, and if we don't yell at her, she is stuck having to deal with her own anger.
This morning she packed her backpack again. This time with a couple changes of clothes. When asked why she was taking all the extra clothes, she got angry. He pushed for an answer and she replied, "because I don't like what I am wearing." Mind you, she picks out her clothes--I gave up that battle about 9 months ago. We don't know what she was really planning for the clothes. Perhaps she was going to give them away. Perhaps she was going to change for a certain class or a certain boy. We may never know. My husband did make her take the clothes out of the backpack. When he said "fine, let's get going" and put his hand on her shoulder to guide her towards the garage, she spun around and snapped at him. "Don't touch me!!" He said, "What? Let's go" and again she screamed at him not to touch her.
My fear is that she is gearing up for a big confrontation and is preparing to falsely accuse him of something. She is setting him up for something.
Tonight I approached her to tell her that we know she is looking for a fight. [We have been told to stop asking "Why?" The only answer to that is 'because I am a dumb ass," and no one will ever say that, so don't ask why.] She denied it, but then added that she didn't like anyone grabbing her or her hair.
I asked if DH grabbed her or her hair, and she told me no. Anyone who didn't know us might not know to ask her for that clarification. They may just assume, and understandably so, that what she meant is that he grabbed her so she screamed at him. That is also what she hopes you think when she says things like that. So I stated [again, not asking why] that she screamed at him for trying to get her to school on time and guiding her towards the car. She agreed.
I stated that she was packing all this stuff in her backpack to provoke him and to start a fight, so she responded by saying that DS was talking about her while she was at RTC. That DS told a neighbor that she was at an RTC and that he was cussing about her.
This is a great tactic of hers, to deflect responsibility, to change the focus of the conversation, and to blame someone else. DS doesn't even know what an RTC is, or use the lingo. DS never talks to the girl she claimed told her this about DS. Even if he did--that had nothing to do with this conversation. I shut her down saying I was not talking about DS, I was talking about her behaviors. She still insisted to tell me of DS' alleged actions. I yelled her name once, and shut her down. Told her that this time we would stay focused on her behavior. I asked if she was blaming DS for her packing all the clothes. I asked if she was blaming DS or maybe even DH for lying to me during our last three conversations. I asked if DS was the reason that she back talks to DH everyday? OF course, there is no answer to these ridiculous rhetorical questions.
- - - - - - -
This is a tired conversation. This is a broken record. I don't know why I even bother. I just wanted to put her on notice that I am aware of her recent actions and that I hold her accountable for everything she does and that she needs to stop picking fights with him every morning.
I have no leverage--nothing to bribe or threaten her with to enforce this demand to stop fighting. When someone cares about nothing, there is nothing to lose. There is nothing you can take away from them that matters to them. There is no fear of consequences. There is no desire to please or to not disappoint. I have no tools with this kid. So we wait. We wait until all the players agree that this is done. This is over. Or we wait for her to escalate the process by accusing one of us, even my son, of doing wrong by her, and let the police or CPS end this for us all.
From Adopting.Org
"Being accused of child abuse when you are innocent is a nightmare that many cannot comprehend who have not lived it. False abuse allegation is a life-shattering catastrophe. And it happens to foster and adoptive parents all the time.
Why? Because many of the kids they care for have emotional, mental and behavioral problems. Some of them will use false abuse accusations as a weapon or a tool to get their way. A few are just trying to get attention. Since some of them have been abused in the past by former caregivers, the details of their accusations can sound very convincing."
Monday, October 8, 2007
Group Therapy/Parent Support Group
Probably not the result they expect…
Saturday morning we attended our first parent support/group therapy session with our therapist. She has a group that she has been seeing for years, and while they don’t currently have room for another family, one family could not make it this weekend and we could attend in their place. There were three other families in attendance—each at different stages of their adoption experience, but all having had their kids for 2-5 years. We had so many similar experiences with our detached kids, but with us being the newbies, they focused a lot of their attention towards us, as requested by the therapist. She explained to them that we were at a very difficult part of our relationship with DD and that we are pending dissolution, if none of the current intervention efforts from Lutheran Social Services succeed.
We watched all the women and one man grab for the tissues as they shared their experiences—their pain, their frustration, their disappointment, their guilt, their sense of failure, their sense of obligation, their sense of despair. Two families had familial kids—nieces or nephews they took in from an irresponsible sibling. These families had a greater sense of obligation, and the non-blood relatives were really struggling with the decision to keep this damaged child in their homes, but didn’t want to disappoint their spouses who were also struggling with the decision, but felt a stronger drive to succeed—somehow.
One woman in particular finally let the tears flow easily as she talked about her sense of loss from the whole experience. She felt, as we have, the loss of friends and family who are no longer comfortable spending time with them because they do not know how to handle the kid or how to react to how the parents handle the kid. She admitted that she is now in weekly individual therapy, on top of weekly family therapy, and once a month group therapy. This is a woman who had NO THERAPY until they took in her husband’s nephew.
All the families tried to encourage us with little quips like, “OK- so today was rough. Tomorrow will be better!” and “finding the right combination of meds made a huge difference.” These are families who know exactly what we are going through. They truly have the exact same frustrations and confusing thoughts, and guilt about how to handle this situation—and they were doing their best to be supportive. It all felt more like a “misery loves company, so don’t leave me” campaign.
We listened to them all. We watched them all lose it at one time or another. We watched them all smile and encourage each other, and encourage us. They laughed at the shared pain. They laughed at the progress and regress they have all seen in each other’s kids over the years. Not one could say that any growth or progress they witness ever stuck 100%. They all regress at some point—maybe temporarily—but always. They all talked about the constant need to alter the med dosages and combinations, to accommodate changes in the kids. The meds never stabilize. One talked about his kid’s four stays at a Residential Treatment center and how the last time really helped—although he and his wife were still struggling on a daily—sometime hourly basis. They all talked about the things that they no longer do because they can’t take the kid along and no one wants to baby-sit the kid. They talked about abandoning expectations as a coping mechanism. They talked about the monster inside of them that they never knew existed—the monster that would rise in reaction to the kid’s behaviors and how shocked and disappointed they were that they had this monster inside them. But--------- it was all “so much better now” and we should “just keep trying new things.”
In the final minutes of the two hour session, the therapist asked if this session helped us at all, and would we be interested in returning when there was another opening. I turned to the woman in multiple therapy options and stated:
“You’ve had your kid five years. You got him when he was 5 and with all the therapy, treatment, love, guidance, and the ‘right combination of meds’ you are still struggling."
To her husband I said, "Your wife is in tears here, trying to figure out how to ‘survive’ this”
I turned to the man, whose wife was sick at home, and who adopted two brothers:
“You’ve had your kids since they were 1 and 4 and still have problems after 2 years of therapy. You talk about fearing when your boys get to the age of our kids, well I fear my girl getting to the age of other kids I’ve learned about. Teenage kids who do turn violent against the family; who do make false accusations to authorities; who do destroy your home and get in a psychotic state so that the police have to remove them from your home. I’m told it is not a case of ‘if,” but a case of ‘when.’ I am not seeing any hope here. I’m more frightened than before. I thought, ‘if we had only known sooner, perhaps we could have helped her more,’ but you had your kids earlier in their lives and you KNEW earlier than we did EXACTLY what their diagnosis was, and yet, here you are, years later still struggling on a daily basis, with the decision you made to bring these kids into your home."
"You all seem like really nice, loving people who are being tormented because you are responsible adults and you wanted to love and you wanted to help someone. This is not what any of us expected. Yes, these kids are damaged through no fault of their own—but it wasn’t our fault either and no one within the system is taking this issue seriously enough to give these kids any real help. We are at the point where WE now need help. WE need therapy. I guess I am selfish. I want something more from this relationship other than the thought that this kid might be better off with me. I’m certainly not better off with her. I can’t look past all the damage she causes me and my family. I can’t just ignore or tolerate the daily drama and conflict and the fact that it will all only get worse.”
I left there totally drained and more convinced than ever that this will not work. There is no “fixing” or “helping” this child. I do not now have, nor have I ever had, a daughter. I have a hostile ward in my home who cares nothing for me or my family, and the state knows this and continues to set-up other families for the same experience.
There are many successful foster adoptions in this country—probably the majority of cases, but there is an alarming amount of well-meaning families out there, who do not have completely altruistic intentions themselves—they also have expectations, dreams and hopes about a new child in their family—who are being tested, tormented, and pushed to their limits. Everyone agrees the “system” must change, but nothing real is being done to change it. No one wants to publish the facts about Foster Adoption for fear that no one will want to adopt these kids that desperately need loving homes, but perpetrating the myth of how beautiful and life-fulfilling foster adoption is while delivering severely damaged children to unsuspecting families and communities should be criminal. Hiding the truth is what will make it harder and harder to get anyone to adopt for fear that they are not getting full disclosure on a child—a child that may be perfectly adoptable or may be so severely disturbed that you will never bond or find any peace or joy with them in your life.
There are no decisions to make today. We still need to play the game with Lutheran. We all know it is a game—possibly a stall tactic, as we jump through all the prescribed hoops—but we all seem to talk with each other knowing what the ultimate conclusion will be.
Saturday morning we attended our first parent support/group therapy session with our therapist. She has a group that she has been seeing for years, and while they don’t currently have room for another family, one family could not make it this weekend and we could attend in their place. There were three other families in attendance—each at different stages of their adoption experience, but all having had their kids for 2-5 years. We had so many similar experiences with our detached kids, but with us being the newbies, they focused a lot of their attention towards us, as requested by the therapist. She explained to them that we were at a very difficult part of our relationship with DD and that we are pending dissolution, if none of the current intervention efforts from Lutheran Social Services succeed.
We watched all the women and one man grab for the tissues as they shared their experiences—their pain, their frustration, their disappointment, their guilt, their sense of failure, their sense of obligation, their sense of despair. Two families had familial kids—nieces or nephews they took in from an irresponsible sibling. These families had a greater sense of obligation, and the non-blood relatives were really struggling with the decision to keep this damaged child in their homes, but didn’t want to disappoint their spouses who were also struggling with the decision, but felt a stronger drive to succeed—somehow.
One woman in particular finally let the tears flow easily as she talked about her sense of loss from the whole experience. She felt, as we have, the loss of friends and family who are no longer comfortable spending time with them because they do not know how to handle the kid or how to react to how the parents handle the kid. She admitted that she is now in weekly individual therapy, on top of weekly family therapy, and once a month group therapy. This is a woman who had NO THERAPY until they took in her husband’s nephew.
All the families tried to encourage us with little quips like, “OK- so today was rough. Tomorrow will be better!” and “finding the right combination of meds made a huge difference.” These are families who know exactly what we are going through. They truly have the exact same frustrations and confusing thoughts, and guilt about how to handle this situation—and they were doing their best to be supportive. It all felt more like a “misery loves company, so don’t leave me” campaign.
We listened to them all. We watched them all lose it at one time or another. We watched them all smile and encourage each other, and encourage us. They laughed at the shared pain. They laughed at the progress and regress they have all seen in each other’s kids over the years. Not one could say that any growth or progress they witness ever stuck 100%. They all regress at some point—maybe temporarily—but always. They all talked about the constant need to alter the med dosages and combinations, to accommodate changes in the kids. The meds never stabilize. One talked about his kid’s four stays at a Residential Treatment center and how the last time really helped—although he and his wife were still struggling on a daily—sometime hourly basis. They all talked about the things that they no longer do because they can’t take the kid along and no one wants to baby-sit the kid. They talked about abandoning expectations as a coping mechanism. They talked about the monster inside of them that they never knew existed—the monster that would rise in reaction to the kid’s behaviors and how shocked and disappointed they were that they had this monster inside them. But--------- it was all “so much better now” and we should “just keep trying new things.”
In the final minutes of the two hour session, the therapist asked if this session helped us at all, and would we be interested in returning when there was another opening. I turned to the woman in multiple therapy options and stated:
“You’ve had your kid five years. You got him when he was 5 and with all the therapy, treatment, love, guidance, and the ‘right combination of meds’ you are still struggling."
To her husband I said, "Your wife is in tears here, trying to figure out how to ‘survive’ this”
I turned to the man, whose wife was sick at home, and who adopted two brothers:
“You’ve had your kids since they were 1 and 4 and still have problems after 2 years of therapy. You talk about fearing when your boys get to the age of our kids, well I fear my girl getting to the age of other kids I’ve learned about. Teenage kids who do turn violent against the family; who do make false accusations to authorities; who do destroy your home and get in a psychotic state so that the police have to remove them from your home. I’m told it is not a case of ‘if,” but a case of ‘when.’ I am not seeing any hope here. I’m more frightened than before. I thought, ‘if we had only known sooner, perhaps we could have helped her more,’ but you had your kids earlier in their lives and you KNEW earlier than we did EXACTLY what their diagnosis was, and yet, here you are, years later still struggling on a daily basis, with the decision you made to bring these kids into your home."
"You all seem like really nice, loving people who are being tormented because you are responsible adults and you wanted to love and you wanted to help someone. This is not what any of us expected. Yes, these kids are damaged through no fault of their own—but it wasn’t our fault either and no one within the system is taking this issue seriously enough to give these kids any real help. We are at the point where WE now need help. WE need therapy. I guess I am selfish. I want something more from this relationship other than the thought that this kid might be better off with me. I’m certainly not better off with her. I can’t look past all the damage she causes me and my family. I can’t just ignore or tolerate the daily drama and conflict and the fact that it will all only get worse.”
I left there totally drained and more convinced than ever that this will not work. There is no “fixing” or “helping” this child. I do not now have, nor have I ever had, a daughter. I have a hostile ward in my home who cares nothing for me or my family, and the state knows this and continues to set-up other families for the same experience.
There are many successful foster adoptions in this country—probably the majority of cases, but there is an alarming amount of well-meaning families out there, who do not have completely altruistic intentions themselves—they also have expectations, dreams and hopes about a new child in their family—who are being tested, tormented, and pushed to their limits. Everyone agrees the “system” must change, but nothing real is being done to change it. No one wants to publish the facts about Foster Adoption for fear that no one will want to adopt these kids that desperately need loving homes, but perpetrating the myth of how beautiful and life-fulfilling foster adoption is while delivering severely damaged children to unsuspecting families and communities should be criminal. Hiding the truth is what will make it harder and harder to get anyone to adopt for fear that they are not getting full disclosure on a child—a child that may be perfectly adoptable or may be so severely disturbed that you will never bond or find any peace or joy with them in your life.
There are no decisions to make today. We still need to play the game with Lutheran. We all know it is a game—possibly a stall tactic, as we jump through all the prescribed hoops—but we all seem to talk with each other knowing what the ultimate conclusion will be.
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