Life as usual?

It's been a few weeks since I posted. Just too much going on--just like everybody else.

As a follow-up, Gio & I went to the OB/Gyn the following Friday. They did another ultrasound, and as I knew, there was nothing there. They scheduled me to come back in in mid-October for a follow-up on those cysts, which were still present. No need for a D&C though, so that was good news.

As for Lutheran Social Services, well part of the plan was that we apply to get DD into a Children's Home. The Case Manager could not really explain the difference between a Children's Home and a Residential Treatment Center, but we made the call as directed. I talked to the intake manager and just from our conversation it didn't sound like this would work, but he asked us to fill out the forms and apply anyway, just in case. So, some more late nights of filling out forms, researching information, and faxing off everything, then waiting for a decision.

What we learned is that while an RTC is for kids who are falling out of a family, Children's Homes are more for families that are falling apart and their kids need a safe place to go. Some examples might be families that are going through hardships because of financial situations, medical situations, death, divorce, whatever that is keeping the family from taking care of a kid. The kids stay a minimum of 6 months and usually up to 18 months, although some kids may stay for 2-3 years. Not sure how any of this would help to make this kid my daughter, but we have to try everything, so we applied. Days later we got the call that no, she indeed did not qualify. She has too many issues and they are primarily a basic-care facility. No surprise.

Lutheran also set us up with a new Psychologist to provide a new psychological evaluation for DD. The new psychiatric eval is not enough. Lutheran plans to use the eval to apply for a different RTC. I told the case manager that if she did get in that I would not allow any drugs for at least a couple of weeks--that I want them to help her deal with her issues, not just drug her into sedation and announce that she is "stable." Chances are though, that she will not be accepted to another facility because she is not severe enough. She falls somewhere in between what a Children's Home will accept and what and RTC will accept.

In the meantime we are working on the other step of the "plan" by meeting with a NEW therapist. While I like this therapist I am just not sure what she will do that will be different from the other 20 therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists DD has seen. So, we continue to go through the process, waiting to see if DD will fight to stay in the family or will passively let it all go. Don't know.

With all this drama pretty much behind us, I am finally able to focus on my job again while I am at work. And just in time, because I've been hit with some big projects. I've also been distracted with DS' recent interest in modeling. I helped do a photo shoot two weeks ago and really got the shutter bug. I've gone a little crazy on eBay lately and should have my home photo studio set up before the holidays.... ;)

God has a WICKED sense of humor

OK - So I captured all of this last Saturday while purging my soul to a friend. I'm too tired to re-write it, or even edit it to look fresh for my Blog, so here is the letter I wrote:

WARNING: Don't be drinking a beverage as you read the next lines...

I'm pregnant. Personally, I don't think I will be for long as I am spotting like crazy, but I went to see an OB/Gyn yesterday and they did a sonogram and it all just became way too real. The whole office staff were way more optimistic than I am. They didn't seem to care about the spotting, or my age, or all the maintenance drugs that I take. They really freaked me out thinking that this may actually be a viable pregnancy and I may need to consider the reality of giving birth shortly after my 45th birthday!!!! I will know a lot more on Monday, when they get back the blood test results. Basically - here's what happened.

Having Polycystic Ovaries, I really never had a regular period, however, since moving back to Texas, for some reason I have been pretty predictable--about every 30 days. So - four years of stability sets up the scenario. August came and went without a period, and the initial physical symptoms of pregnancy are similar to starting a period -- a little crampy; tender breasts...So while I was "late" I thought I was still not yet in menopause. Ha! Well, two weeks later I started to get a little worried.

The long running joke with DH and I, who have tried for YEARS to get pregnant, is that as soon as we buy a home pregnancy test, I will start. Usually works. So DH picked one up on the way home. Wednesday morning I took the test, set it down on the tank behind me, then had an indication that I was starting my period. Even half asleep I had to laugh, thinking this time we had to do more than buy it, I had to actually administer the test to jump start my cycle. Then I turned around, and the stick had two blue lines. I grabbed the box to look at the results sample and two blue lines was not what I expected. I only saw two blue lines once before in my life, and that was when we learned about DS. I was shocked, but assumed that regardless of what the test said, this was about to be over. Looked like I was starting my period and this pregnancy would not be.

But nothing happened with me the rest of the day. Now I got scared, thinking of all the things I've done and the meds I've taken, and my age and...oh gosh...how could this be. My body should be a hostile environment for an embryo. This just can't be.

The next morning--nothing. No spotting, no period. Nothing. At lunch time, I got in my car and called my Gynecologist thinking they would agree that I am not a good candidate for this and it is likely over, but they started talking about all the clients they've had in similar conditions who had normal pregnancies and healthy babies. Ugh! So, not what I wanted to hear. Now I was really confused. I called DH and just lost it on the phone, but he was so supportive and encouraging, and calming it just made me cry. So, here I am in a Pet's Mart parking lot, eating a Schlotzky's sandwich (I never tasted it), talking on the phone, and freaking out on the state of my life. While talking to DH, my other line is ringing and it is Lutheran Social Services talking to me about a new therapist for DD and their efforts to preserve the "family." It was all too much.

So, I drive back to work thinking 20 steps ahead and trying to figure out daycare, finances, bedroom situation at home, names for a boy or a girl, way too much too soon, but that is the way my mind obsesses in crisis mode. I get back to the office, go to the bathroom and AHA! OK - this is definitely over now. Whew! I put in a tampon and go to several back-to-back meetings all afternoon. While away from my desk, DH calls to see if I am OK. The Gyn calls to refer me to an OB/Gyn, Lutheran Services calls, and the new therapist calls. Ugh! My mind is split in so many directions. I get home and tell DH that I think this is over, but when I removed the tampon 5 hours later - nothing. What does this mean?

So I call the OB/Gyn on Friday and they want me to come in TODAY! At lunch I let a co-worker/friend know how much I am freaking out and she offered to go with me, since DH can't make it. I didn't think I really needed her there--I've had so many sonograms with all the fertility attempts that I wasn't really worried. She said she would be there more for the emotional impact-regardless of what they say the outcome may be. I reluctantly agreed. In the end I was so grateful that she was there, if nothing else, to be a witness to the freak show that is my life.

The man who did the sonogram was in his 60s and has done tens of thousands of these. He asked what was up and I said, "I'm 44, I'm not supposed to be here." He said, "So what? We have tons of moms over forty, and even older than you!" I said "yeah, but look at all these meds I am on." and pulled out a big baggie with my four prescription bottles in them. Again he said, "So what?" These little guys are pretty resilient at this stage and we've had mom's on even stronger drugs than this that had perfect outcomes!" Again I protested saying, yeah, but I am spotting off and on and..." He cut me off and again said "So what? We've had women in here constantly bleeding, not spotting, who've had perfect babies!" It may sound like he was being confrontational, but he was not. He was a super-happy, enthusiastic man trying to be supportive and optimistic. We were all laughing. My girlfriend was already holding back tears. She was very excited for me, and I was just confused and still in disbelief.

When he started the sonogram he went straight to a yolk sac and started measuring. Said it looked very good. We seemed to be off by a week, so no heartbeat. Instead of 6 weeks, 5 days, he measured 5 weeks even. Can't see a heartbeat until 5 weeks four days. All of this was news to me--I wasn't expecting a heartbeat at all, Now my friend is just letting the tears flow. She is 38, divorced, and just went through a painful breakup with a boyfriend and is thinking about babies of her own, so weird dynamics going on here. Oh - and she is a devout Catholic and of course wants all conception to live.

Anyway, I asked the sonogram guy, if the yolk sac could just be small NOT because we are off by a week, but because this is not a viable fetus and I am miscarrying and about to start my period--and that is why we can't see a heartbeat. He gave his disclaimer that he is not a doctor, but after 30 years of looking at these, that the yolk sac looked very healthy and it looked like a good one to him. He firmly believes that because of the PCO that my cycles are off and that is why there is a discrepancy in the dates/age/progression of the pregnancy. He felt that if this was a miscarriage about to happen, the yolk sac would look very different. Now I am truly freaking out. My friend is giggling, she is go giddy. She says to me in that high-pitched, almost baby talk whisper, with a big goofy smile on her face and a look of love and tears in her eyes, "You're having a baby." Now my eyes well up with tears. Not sad, not happy, just scared.

He took tons of pictures of this hostile environment inside me. I have two huge cysts on my right ovary that may or may not drop off next week (common during pregnancy because of all the hormones). Then I have what might be a big "mass" just under my right ovary. He measured it so he can compare it to a new measurement next week to see if it grows or not. Said most are benign, but it also could be a bowel loop. Pretty. Then he sees all kinds of fibroids within my uterus. I had no idea all of this was going on inside. Whatever. How could this possibly be happening with all these other potential issues in my belly.

Then I talk to the doctor. She is probably in her early 30s, if that. Very nice, and again supportive. She apologizes that we will have to wait over the weekend to get the blood test results, but starts talking to me about genetic tests I may want to do at 12 weeks. She talks to me about health risks to me from going off my meds, and that I need to talk to my primary care doctor. I let her know that I've lost 45-50 pounds (depending on the week) in the last year, and that perhaps the meds aren't as necessary as before. She thinks the weight loss is probably what allowed me to get pregnant now. Anyway...

So, while a home pregnancy tests tell you if you are or are not pregnant, the blood work tells you HOW pregnant you are. If the progesterone numbers are over 20, this is happening. If they are under 5, this is NOT happening. I already feel confident that I will come in somewhere in between that large gap, since I always seem to be a borderline case at everything. Anyway, if the numbers are good, they want me back in for another sonogram. If I start my period over the weekend, then we know what that means. Meanwhile, I still occasionally spot. That is it. Now you are caught up.

So, we wait for Monday, but even if the numbers are good, "advanced" aged mothers are at high risk of miscarriage throughout the pregnancy. I refuse to think too much about any scenario, and goodness knows I have enough distractions in my life to let go of all this baby, or no baby stuff. Perhaps that is DD's purpose in my life, to provide distraction. There has to be some reason, right? I keep asking myself - "What am I supposed to learn from all of this?"

*deep breath*

End of letter.

So, on Monday the numbers were good - 5999 hCG = 5 weeks. That was blood taken on Friday. Today is Wednesday. I have been cramping and bleeding since Sunday. I KNOW this is over, but Dr. "Pollyanna" and her crew still hold out hope. Oy! I am returning for a sonogram on Friday. Then there will be blood tests for weeks to confirm that this is a complete miscarriage. If not, then I get to go in for that oh-so-lovely procedure, the D&C. I truly hope that nature takes care of this all.

Monday and Tuesday were NUTS!!! My phone was ringing like crazy, and sitting in a cube farm surrounded by men, I had to keep ducking into conference rooms to find out if THIS personal call was about my crazy daughter, or my crazy period. I had psychologists calling, gynecologists calling, therapists calling, OB/Gyns calling and Lutheran Social Services calling. I was losing my mind! All the while - severely cramping and trying to work. My personal life has not been this chaotic and dramatic since my second year of marriage or since my parents divorce when I was 14. This has been a traumatic and severely emotional week. I have been on the worst roller coaster ride of my life.

I am grateful that nature saw fit to make things right. Don't get me wrong, I love babies, and would have loved this baby, if it was meant to be, but I was not relishing the thought of attending my son's graduation from high school while enrolling a toddler in pre-K. Or worse!!! Having to attend another stinkin' birthday party at Chucky Cheese at my friggin' age!!! For goodness sakes--I have my hair colored to cover the gray and a few weeks ago I tried Botox for the first time to deal with my friggin' crows feet!!! I looked so stupid in that Ob/Gyn office sitting next to all the glowing pregnant 20-year olds. I am old enough to be the mother to some of those mothers!!! I felt like all of our plans for our life were written on an etch-a-sketch and God just gave it a good shake and said "start over."

Now, I just need this to end. I learned something else new. Miscarriages are not a one day event. This will take weeks to get back to "normal." Just trying to get the Dr.s office to declare - "go" or "no go" is a real challenge. My hope is that tomorrow I won't need to pop 4 Ibuprofen every four hours and that this mother-of-a-period (no pun intended) will end soon.

Now - back to focusing on the kid we already have...DD strikes again...Oh yeah - and start birth control for the first time since 1989.

Drastic Move...

In a desperate effort to get some real response, we called CPS and said we either need help or we need out. Told them we've contacted a lawyer to see about our rights to dissolve this adoption. Told them we've tapped all of our resources within a 50-mile (shoot even 100-mile) radius and that we were done. The state said fine, but you need to call Lutheran Social Services of the South. So we did.

They are a private, faith-based agency contracted through the state to provide post-adoption support. So far, they are extremely friendly and pro-active. They took all of our information (I was up late again filling out forms, faxing, e-mailing, compiling information for them) and they "staffed our case" and are now working on a "Plan" -- basically a proposal of how to try to fix all of this and move forward. We are not obligated to accept their plan, but in the meantime, they get to do all of the legwork in trying to find a solution--find a better residential treatment, find what our options are financially, find different professionals to work with, etc. We may hear something early next week. It just feels good knowing that someone else is taking on the battle. They have more resources and more connections so hopefully they will get better results.

Oh, and DD? Well, she quit Color Guard because the "stretches were just too hard on her knees." The coach was not too happy that she quit, but she didn't care. Said she "blew out her knee." Then she found out they have a trip coming up and she wanted back in. Too late! The Counselor gave her an earful about how her decision to quit effected many people and that she needed to learn a lesson. The counselor has had quite enough of her, too, but her lecture had no effect on DD.

Then, DS, who gets out 15 minutes earlier than her at the High School, is instructed to walk the two blocks to her school and wait for her so she doesn't walk home alone. Well he waited 40 minutes, then called DH to say he was leaving. DH said fine. A few minutes later DD called DH and asked "Where are you?" He returned the question. She decided that she wanted to be the Lead Role in Les Miserable, so she went to the initial audition meeting. Didn't tell anyone. Didn't care if anyone was waiting on her - DS or DH. She has never been in a UIL play before, she has never memorized lines for even small classroom productions because it is too hard, but she wants the lead role. Just delusional. You have to have good grades and no behavioral problems for teachers to approve you to be in any role, as well. A challenge that she does not think will be a problem.

She is already in the red on a behavior contract we created to allow her to earn money to pay for her own expenses for choir - something else she joined when she quit band (because it was too hard). The choir director is extremely supportive of our contract and knows that if DD does not earn the money to pay for the formal dress and the materials that she will not remain in choir. DD knows this as well and has already made excuses and blamed us for her not making her bed and for her behaviors that cost her money. She is still just the victim and we the evil prison guards.

In the meantime, there are a couple of bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon waiting for me in my kitchen...

She's home

What an exhausting and frustrating day. After fighting so hard to get her in there, they made us sign a release against medical advise form. Now THEY think she needs to be there. Which incompetent am I to believe.

I actually talked to some empathetic and seemingly intelligent people today as they pleaded for us to keep her there. These people would not being seeing DD. Too little, too late. Turns out she would only have four 45 minute to one hour sessions a week! What is the point? Why is she living there for that? We can sedate her at home and get her four sessions a week. They UPPED her dosage TWICE without a call to us.

Now I need to run to parent orientation night at the High School. Tomorrow DD will go to Junior High like nothing happened. But I am sure she will tell everybody what happened. I can't save her from herself.

Is it worth it?

So, I called DD today to see how things are going.

Apparently she was throwing up all day Saturday--the day after they started medicating her. No medical staff there on weekends. No activities on weekends. Other than eating, the kids had no scheduled activities. How dangerous is it to have a bunch of troubled kids sitting around idle?

She sounded sedated--not quite slurring, but not her usual tone. I was told she would be given two meds, with an optional sleeping pill at night if she wanted. She said she gets a pill in the morning, afternoon, and two at night--one being the sleeping pill. Four pills. They are automatically giving her the sleeping pill that she was only to have if she asked for it, and perhaps one of the meds is given two times a day. I am not sure of anything, and I don't like it.

I called the therapist to confirm our Wednesday appointment and got her voicemail, where she states her name and her position. She is an intern. The intake biotch was also an intern. A nurse called me to tell me about the meds, but couldn't really tell me why these particular drugs were selected. I wonder when we get to talk to a doctor who is maybe more experienced in diagnosing and working with attachment disorder.

I am starting to hear from more and more people who tell me that these RTCs simply drug and release these kids--some coming home with new learned skills that you won't like, having been exposed to kids even more messed up than them. I'm hearing this from parents and teachers. I am losing faith that they will make any positive difference in her life and we are considering pulling her out as early as tomorrow. All I see happening now is that they drug her, then release her a week or two behind in school. Nothing beneficial.

She also said that she has been in several fights with her roommate who is supposedly bossing her around--probably is, but... So, even sedated she is having issues, and they are still talking about releasing her in a week. I just don't see any benefit to this farce. I am so drained by all of this. I am feeling a bit trapped and helpless. They bill my insurance $550 a day for what?!?!? You would think that $16-$17K a month would provide more qualified care with constant structure and observation and guidance. I think this is one of the biggest scams I have ever witnessed.

I am so stressed that I cannot sleep at night. I am having some kind of reaction around my eyes as well. I look like a bulldog from the extreme puffiness. I've taken tons of Benedryl, used Benedryl cream and antihistamine eye drops thinking maybe it is some weird allergy, but I think it is a combo of no sleep and some physical manifestation of the total anxiety created by interacting with this frustrating place.

DH sees how frazzled I am and is stepping up. He is going to call them tomorrow and tell them to prepare her to leave--pack her up and get their bloody forms ready. He is ready to get her out of there. We will not continue the drugs either. We will pursue yet another Psychiatrist here locally and wait out the 6 months for an opening and see what happens.

If I thought that they might make a difference and might really observe and examine her over time, then treat her for the months I think it will take to help her, I might be willing to overlook some of the unprofessional areas we've witnessed, and leave her there a little longer. But I get the clear message that they will keep her for a week, two at the most, and that is just a waste of the insurance money, of DDs school time, of our time and effort, and just the hassle of having these idiots dictate to us what we have to do with BOTH of our kids. Meanwhile, school started today without her and she is falling further and further behind there. She described her first day of school at the RTC (they started a week ago) and it sounded so minimal. Reading, playing, singing, catching a frog outside (not related to science). I find it hard to believe that this would keep her up to date with the 7th grade curriculum at home. I think they are doing more harm than good.

So - tomorrow will be an odd day. Not sure how it will all go down, but I suspect more drama is on the way.

On the bright side, I worked from home today so I could see Tony off for his first day of High School and pick him up after. Tony had a great first day of school. He saw some old friends, loves his classes--even the AP English he was dreading, and he liked the food in the cafeteria. He came home, organized his books, gave me papers to sign, then started on his homework. Then practiced for his piano lesson. On days like this I'm so grateful that he is so responsible and self-sufficient. He brought a huge smile to my face and a warm hug to my heart.

Kind of numb...

DD's therapist called me today at work, 20 minutes before I had to give a presentation in a meeting. After spending an hour with DD, she feels like she may be released in a week or so, since she is not a danger to herself or others. So hitting, fighting, biting, scratching, jumping on other kid's heads is apparently not a danger to others. She actually needs to pull a weapon. I don't know.

Then she tells me that DS must be a part of every family therapy session. I told her that there was no point in involving him initially--that first we, as the parents must establish a relationship with this child and that I will not put DS through anything further until we see some progress. She insists he must be part of it since he lives in the house. I told her again I would not do that to him. She asked how old he is and I told her that he turns 15 today! It is his birthday and I need to focus on HIM today. Then she starts lecturing me on the rough life DD has had and how through no fault of her own has developed these behaviors and that I need to understand...I cut her off completely. I was LIVID!!!

"Who do you think you are talking to? Do you think that I do not know all this already? Do you think I am some heartless bitch who doesn't understand all of this? I completely understand and my heart breaks for her, but I am telling you that I do not have the tools to help her. After six years of therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, powerful, frightening medications, parenting, guidance, love, support, rewards, punishments, warnings, threats, loss of priveledges, after all of that energy and effort towards supporting change in her that not one behavior has changed. She is doing the same things she did 6 years ago with no progress and that we need help."

I then reminded her that we have been trying for two years and she has known her for one hour and that I don't care if she thinks I am some over-reactive, uncaring beast, there are deeper problems here than we can handle and that she needs to hang out with her a little more before she starts lecturing me about this kids needs. I was shaking I was so angry, and then had to go lead a meeting and do a presentation. I was still shaking when the meeting started and I was flustered and just all over the place.

Even typing this I am getting very emotional. It took me over three months to get her in there. They want me to go and withdraw her from the Junior High here so they can transfer all her records and IEP/ARD papers there, and for what? A week!?!?!? I am just dumbfounded again.

Then a nurse calls me at home to say the psychiatrist saw her and wants to medicate her immediately. He is putting her on two extremely powerful and heavily regulated drugs. But there is no problem and she still might be released in a week. Tonight she is starting on Abilify and Depokote. She has been on both before with no results. They are both used basically as mood stabilizers.

I am totally deflated, but need to let go of this so I can enjoy my son's birthday tonight and try to enjoy whatever time we have without her. Our options are getting limited in what we can do to help her without sacrificing our family and our health any further.

We are scheduled for a family session on Wednesday at 4:30. DS will be in attendance as we are doing a conference call from home. If she stays long enough for a second session the following week, he will NOT attend as I am not going to pull him out of school to drive an hour north of here for a session that really hinges on her bonding with us first.

Tu Mama es LOCO!!!!

Ever see the movie, Terms of Endearment, with Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger? There is a scene where Shirley MacLaine is trying to get the nurses to give her dying daughter (Winger) some pain medication and when they are moving too slow she goes a little psycho on them.

OK - I went "Terms of Endearment" on thay azzez.

Facility number one was driving me crazy. When I tried to call yesterday to confirm that they had all they needed from me or from our therapist or our doctor, their phones were not working for the second time in fives days!!! I don't know how you run a facility with 120 kids and not have functioning communication devices. It was maddening. And here we are 7 days since our initial contact and I still have not heard from them.

So, yesterday I called another facility and started all over again.

I cannot believe how difficult this process has been. I told my intake nemesis that she is ALREADY APPROVED and this biotch was almost yelling at that she is NOT APPROVED. I was going wiggy! I was just dumbfounded. This woman refused to make a 1-800 call that would take 5 minutes to verify. Instead she kept telling me that since DD has not been previously hospitalized, was not attempting suicide or threatening to kill us, that she did not qualify!! This is the battle I fought with the insurance company for two months and finally won. I kept asking why I had to wait until it got to that point before anyone would consider helping her.

This back and forth and her sassy attitude had me going a little psycho on the phone. I was saying things like:

"I know that this is not your typical approval and admission process. This case is a little unconventional, but if you will PLEASE just make the call. I am begging you. I'm sorry that she does not fit your little checklist but I am telling you that she is approved. Do you think I am making this up?!?! Do you think I am lying? Why would I do that? What would that get me? You would figure it out real quick and I would be stuck with a $17K bill for the month!! I am begging you to step out of the box a little and have a heart and help a mother out. This has gone on for months. I want to get her settled before school starts. I cannot believe this. I have a therapist, a psychiatrist and an insurance company all saying she needs this and it is approved--the money is in your bank as soon as you say yes--and you keep telling me that my insurance will not approve this! I am loosing my mind here. What is it going to take for you to listen to me, believe me, and take a little action beyond asking me a list of questions and dismissing me?"

She got real pissy and said, "Fine, you can come in for an assessment if you want, and when we submit the papers your insurance is going to deny coverage."

I said, "FINE! So when can we come in?"

"Tomorrow, if you want!"

"FINE! What time?"

"Can you be here at 11:00?"

"I can be there whenever you say!"

"So, then can you come in at 10:00?"

"Yes - Definitely. What do I need to bring?"

She starts going down a list of documents, thinking it would be overwhelming for me to pull all this stuff together. She really doesn't understand me. I have had her papers ready for months. Then she tells me to bring a suitcase with 5-7 changes of clothes. I said, "Wow! Tomorrow bring a suitcase? Do you really think it will happen that fast?"

And she says, "NO! I don't think it will happen at all, your insurance is not going to approve this, but as long as you are coming in you might as well."

So I asked, "Why will you not call them? What is so difficult about this? How hard would it be for you to dial them up?

She said, "I'm not going to call them because they are going to say the same thing to me that I am saying to you. She is not going to be approved!"

_ _ _ _ _ _

Maddening, I tell you.

_ _ _ _ _ _

So, I feel like she scheduled the assessment just to placate me. So I stayed up until 1:00 A.M. faxing them tons of papers. Pscyh evals. School assessments. Foster parent observations, letters from the therapist and psychiatrist both recommending RTC. Then this morning I went in with everything I have--a two-foot high stack of papers. I had everything on their checklist, which freaked them out. They said no one ever has everything; they usually have to fax something within 24 hours.

It was a long day, but eventually it all went through, and my nemesis had to come back into the room we were locked in all day and act excited when she told us, "OK- So she's been approved, as you know, and we are getting everything set up."

We then met with a doctor, two nurses, the school counselor, a cottage nurse, and got a quick tour of the place and said our goodbyes. DD was just giddy--she was so excited. Her treatments start tomorrow--as do her school classes.

The whole day was pretty surreal, and DD already called to say hi and ended with an "I love you, Momma." Which is such BS and all for show for whomever was watching her make the call. She also asked if we could write letters to each other. We must look so much more appealing to her from a distance. I am very curious to see how these 30 days go. At the end, will they recommend another 30, or will they release her? We have no idea. Insurance only approves 30 days at a time, which makes sense, but will cause a little anxiety at the end of each month.

However long they keep her, I just hope it has an impact.