Seeing what horrors exist for children, it also maddens me that because we cannot repair the years of damage done to the child in our home, we are now the bad guys. After years of abuse and neglect from her birth family and further years of neglect, cover-up, and instability from the state's custody, we are just the last one holding the bag and get to pay the price. If we try to return this child to the state and demand that THEY do something REAL to help this kid, we are then charged with criminal and civil child abandonment. These charges would definitely keep us from ever adopting again --- not something we are really considering anyway --- but could also hurt our careers and possibly our finances. Because we've given it an exhausting try for almost three years and now realize that we cannot help her, we get to be the criminals. She has never lived anywhere as long as she has lived with us. She has never attended the same school for more than one year, but has attended 5th - 7th grade here. She is settled in some ways, and she wants to hold on to that--to her school, her routine, but she has no desire to hold on to us. She would like to be placed in another home in the same neighborhood or sent to boarding school. She really does not understand the issue here. Her whole life has been high drama, incompatability, and getting into trouble. She cannot understand why we want change. Her personality disorders worked for her--they helped her survive. She cannot let them go and will not let them go. She does not want to change.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Today's Headlines
Just a quick look at CNN and the headlines jumped out at me. So much abuse taking place. So many damaged people in the world. It is all devastating and no one deserves such treatment, but once the damage is done, intensive treatment is mandatory. Simply removing the victim from the abuse, medicating them, and shipping them off to some well-meaning family is not a solution. This process only spreads the pain and the destruction.
Seeing what horrors exist for children, it also maddens me that because we cannot repair the years of damage done to the child in our home, we are now the bad guys. After years of abuse and neglect from her birth family and further years of neglect, cover-up, and instability from the state's custody, we are just the last one holding the bag and get to pay the price. If we try to return this child to the state and demand that THEY do something REAL to help this kid, we are then charged with criminal and civil child abandonment. These charges would definitely keep us from ever adopting again --- not something we are really considering anyway --- but could also hurt our careers and possibly our finances. Because we've given it an exhausting try for almost three years and now realize that we cannot help her, we get to be the criminals. She has never lived anywhere as long as she has lived with us. She has never attended the same school for more than one year, but has attended 5th - 7th grade here. She is settled in some ways, and she wants to hold on to that--to her school, her routine, but she has no desire to hold on to us. She would like to be placed in another home in the same neighborhood or sent to boarding school. She really does not understand the issue here. Her whole life has been high drama, incompatability, and getting into trouble. She cannot understand why we want change. Her personality disorders worked for her--they helped her survive. She cannot let them go and will not let them go. She does not want to change.
Seeing what horrors exist for children, it also maddens me that because we cannot repair the years of damage done to the child in our home, we are now the bad guys. After years of abuse and neglect from her birth family and further years of neglect, cover-up, and instability from the state's custody, we are just the last one holding the bag and get to pay the price. If we try to return this child to the state and demand that THEY do something REAL to help this kid, we are then charged with criminal and civil child abandonment. These charges would definitely keep us from ever adopting again --- not something we are really considering anyway --- but could also hurt our careers and possibly our finances. Because we've given it an exhausting try for almost three years and now realize that we cannot help her, we get to be the criminals. She has never lived anywhere as long as she has lived with us. She has never attended the same school for more than one year, but has attended 5th - 7th grade here. She is settled in some ways, and she wants to hold on to that--to her school, her routine, but she has no desire to hold on to us. She would like to be placed in another home in the same neighborhood or sent to boarding school. She really does not understand the issue here. Her whole life has been high drama, incompatability, and getting into trouble. She cannot understand why we want change. Her personality disorders worked for her--they helped her survive. She cannot let them go and will not let them go. She does not want to change.
Monday, April 28, 2008
In my home
Think of someone in your past that you have had a conflict with--someone who you think or know hates you. Someone you've never been compatible with. There must be someone--an old neighbor, someone you fired, a co-worker you never clicked with, an ex. Think about that feeling--hate.
Then give that person who hates you the characteristics of no conscience, no remorse, no comprehension or concern for consequences. Make that someone have grandiose fantasies of self-worth and entitlement.
Now put yourself in a position to police that person, for their own protection and your own, causing that person to have stronger feelings of hate and resentment for you.
Now place that person in your home, at night, while you sleep.
___________________________________________________________
Think you will sleep soundly? Think you will be in a healthy state of mind and body?
___________________________________________________________
Now have others call you about this person's behavior outside of the home--wanting you to fix it, or at least hear them vent about it. You now have to answer to this person's problems in other social settings. You are considered part of the problem as you "raised" this person in your home--or so they think.
Then think of people in your immediate circle being affected by this person. Think of your family, your extended family, your neighbors, your community all looking at you to control this person who hates you.
Then turn to the party who placed this person in your home, and ask for their help. Listen to them while they tell you that if you try to get this person out of your house, your options are:
Then give that person who hates you the characteristics of no conscience, no remorse, no comprehension or concern for consequences. Make that someone have grandiose fantasies of self-worth and entitlement.
Now put yourself in a position to police that person, for their own protection and your own, causing that person to have stronger feelings of hate and resentment for you.
Now place that person in your home, at night, while you sleep.
___________________________________________________________
Think you will sleep soundly? Think you will be in a healthy state of mind and body?
___________________________________________________________
Now have others call you about this person's behavior outside of the home--wanting you to fix it, or at least hear them vent about it. You now have to answer to this person's problems in other social settings. You are considered part of the problem as you "raised" this person in your home--or so they think.
Then think of people in your immediate circle being affected by this person. Think of your family, your extended family, your neighbors, your community all looking at you to control this person who hates you.
Then turn to the party who placed this person in your home, and ask for their help. Listen to them while they tell you that if you try to get this person out of your house, your options are:
- To be charged with criminal and civil abandonment and pay huge legal fee and possible punitive fines
- To deal with the system involved in your life and be mandated to visit this person as determined by this party or else fall out of compliance with the deal and get this person back in your home.
________________________________________________________
Getting Hives yet? Losing sleep yet? Blood pressure rising? Fearing for your safety? For your families' safety?
________________________________________________________
Then deal with the bizarre guilt and disappointment in not being able manage this person in your home; for not being able to protect the rest of your family; for not being able to live a peaceful, loving life to the best of your ability.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Out of Nowhere
Trying to re-enact in my head what just went down at this week's session. Trying to figure out what it is that I must be saying to trigger knee-jerk reactions from therapists. Once again - feeling a little numb.
We didn't have a session last week, but the week before, in one of his bold, arrogant statements, TT said to us that we should never expect a reciprocal effort from DD to make things better--to love us or care about us. Said the best we could hope for might be one day when she is 25 and out of the house, that we might be sitting in our back yard, drinking some wine, and hear about a good decision that she made. And we might feel a little good about that. That's it! I started to tear up with the shock of that brutal honesty. He went on to say - "You picked her! If she were a dog you would have returned her by now!" He now denies saying that, or says he said "no reciprocal RIGHT NOW." My DH & I both know what we heard. Not the first time he recanted something he said.
So - combine the recent, new disorder identified, this statement from the specialist, and two weeks of disappointing behavior from DD. It all just started to feel like busywork to me. Seems like no matter what we do, or how hard we try,
this kid is never going to be a real part of our family. She may never even become a functioning adult in society. So, constantly trying to work with her, to accommodate her, to take care of her, to teach her, to train her, to get her therapy, etc, all feels like I am doing the same 20 Algebra problems over and over and not getting anywhere. I hate Algebra and I am not good at it.
So, I haven't been interacting with her lately. No desire. No energy. She changes persona as we walk into his office and looks all sad and sullen. He asks her what is up and she says that we haven't spoken in two weeks--like NOW it bugs her. He is confused and starts some rapid fire questions. I express my frustration and disappointment and he gets all defensive. Asks me what I want him to do. I said, "She needs intensive help. Once a week is not going to cut it and I cannot take off 5 days a week to be here." He asks "Why Not!?" Duh!! I have to work and can't risk my whole family for this. Next thing I know he is calling Lutheran Social Services trying to get her into the SAME residential treatment center we pulled her from, and he wants an open bed TONIGHT!
WTF??
No one went in with plans to do much of anything other than just endure it. It is a down week--that is all. But he gets all excited and keeps asking what happened. I explained multiple times that it is a combination of all the things I mentioned above but he keeps insisting that I am holding something back and need to tell him what happened? What? Then he got really pissy and said - "What makes you think there is nothing to be done?" I told him his blunt statement two weeks ago started a cascade effect. He then asked if I thought he would continue to treat DD if he really thought there wasn't any hope of helping her. I thought for a second and said "yes." He went nuts! Screaming about the money--which supposedly he doesn't make a penny for these sessions! [yeah - right!! all we talked about was money for the first couple of sessions. He wanted to bill my insurance instead of Medicaid because my insurance paid more--even at 50% because he is not in my insurance network.] He started machine gun blasting me with his rant and I calmly asked if I
could answer his questions and reminded him that I made no mention of money. It was a bit surreal.
Then he started talking long term, because we said we would not put her back in there. He yelled at me for not "liking" the solution!!! Said that she was only in the hospital part, not the long term part. I told him we were given a tour and we only saw one part. Said she would go there as long as possible and then the state would have to offer us "TCM" or something like that. Told him I didn't know what that was. Apparently there is another option that no one has mentioned before. It is where the state takes custody, but she remains "our" kid. They pay for her treatments and then put her in foster care again. What a friggin' mess!!! The state knows they are destroying families with these kids.
On a side note: I am so worried that Texas will dump those 400 cult kids in El Dorado out into the foster system in a year without ever transitioning them to society. They may turn out to be big sibling groups too! How many families will be destroyed trying to take in those kids who've been taught all their life that strangers want to hurt or kill them. They need to be de-programmed, but I'm sure they won't be. It will fall to many families to try to figure it out.
So - we said no to the Residential Treatment center. Said if we wanted to pursue that, that we would call them this summer, when school is out. It all happened so fast and it felt so out of control. If I understand correctly, we are not seeing him anymore either, but I am not sure. I think he was highly offended by me believing him that nothing could really be done. Means he can't do anything. I guess I was thinking he couldn't do anything to bond her to us, but he might be able to make her a little more successful as a human being.
I'm starting to think that therapists are an extremely sensitive, low-self-esteem bunch.
I don't even know what is next. DD cried through this whole exchange. I don't know why the therapists insist on having these conversations in front of her. When I asked her what she wanted she blurted out that she wanted to go to boarding school. Brilliant! He yelled at me for asking her what she wanted asking "What difference does it make what she wants?" Well, I was hoping to see some glimmer of wanting to stay with us. What a fool I am.
Once again, this joyless adventure blindsides me.
We didn't have a session last week, but the week before, in one of his bold, arrogant statements, TT said to us that we should never expect a reciprocal effort from DD to make things better--to love us or care about us. Said the best we could hope for might be one day when she is 25 and out of the house, that we might be sitting in our back yard, drinking some wine, and hear about a good decision that she made. And we might feel a little good about that. That's it! I started to tear up with the shock of that brutal honesty. He went on to say - "You picked her! If she were a dog you would have returned her by now!" He now denies saying that, or says he said "no reciprocal RIGHT NOW." My DH & I both know what we heard. Not the first time he recanted something he said.
So - combine the recent, new disorder identified, this statement from the specialist, and two weeks of disappointing behavior from DD. It all just started to feel like busywork to me. Seems like no matter what we do, or how hard we try,
this kid is never going to be a real part of our family. She may never even become a functioning adult in society. So, constantly trying to work with her, to accommodate her, to take care of her, to teach her, to train her, to get her therapy, etc, all feels like I am doing the same 20 Algebra problems over and over and not getting anywhere. I hate Algebra and I am not good at it.
So, I haven't been interacting with her lately. No desire. No energy. She changes persona as we walk into his office and looks all sad and sullen. He asks her what is up and she says that we haven't spoken in two weeks--like NOW it bugs her. He is confused and starts some rapid fire questions. I express my frustration and disappointment and he gets all defensive. Asks me what I want him to do. I said, "She needs intensive help. Once a week is not going to cut it and I cannot take off 5 days a week to be here." He asks "Why Not!?" Duh!! I have to work and can't risk my whole family for this. Next thing I know he is calling Lutheran Social Services trying to get her into the SAME residential treatment center we pulled her from, and he wants an open bed TONIGHT!
WTF??
No one went in with plans to do much of anything other than just endure it. It is a down week--that is all. But he gets all excited and keeps asking what happened. I explained multiple times that it is a combination of all the things I mentioned above but he keeps insisting that I am holding something back and need to tell him what happened? What? Then he got really pissy and said - "What makes you think there is nothing to be done?" I told him his blunt statement two weeks ago started a cascade effect. He then asked if I thought he would continue to treat DD if he really thought there wasn't any hope of helping her. I thought for a second and said "yes." He went nuts! Screaming about the money--which supposedly he doesn't make a penny for these sessions! [yeah - right!! all we talked about was money for the first couple of sessions. He wanted to bill my insurance instead of Medicaid because my insurance paid more--even at 50% because he is not in my insurance network.] He started machine gun blasting me with his rant and I calmly asked if I
could answer his questions and reminded him that I made no mention of money. It was a bit surreal.
Then he started talking long term, because we said we would not put her back in there. He yelled at me for not "liking" the solution!!! Said that she was only in the hospital part, not the long term part. I told him we were given a tour and we only saw one part. Said she would go there as long as possible and then the state would have to offer us "TCM" or something like that. Told him I didn't know what that was. Apparently there is another option that no one has mentioned before. It is where the state takes custody, but she remains "our" kid. They pay for her treatments and then put her in foster care again. What a friggin' mess!!! The state knows they are destroying families with these kids.
On a side note: I am so worried that Texas will dump those 400 cult kids in El Dorado out into the foster system in a year without ever transitioning them to society. They may turn out to be big sibling groups too! How many families will be destroyed trying to take in those kids who've been taught all their life that strangers want to hurt or kill them. They need to be de-programmed, but I'm sure they won't be. It will fall to many families to try to figure it out.
So - we said no to the Residential Treatment center. Said if we wanted to pursue that, that we would call them this summer, when school is out. It all happened so fast and it felt so out of control. If I understand correctly, we are not seeing him anymore either, but I am not sure. I think he was highly offended by me believing him that nothing could really be done. Means he can't do anything. I guess I was thinking he couldn't do anything to bond her to us, but he might be able to make her a little more successful as a human being.
I'm starting to think that therapists are an extremely sensitive, low-self-esteem bunch.
I don't even know what is next. DD cried through this whole exchange. I don't know why the therapists insist on having these conversations in front of her. When I asked her what she wanted she blurted out that she wanted to go to boarding school. Brilliant! He yelled at me for asking her what she wanted asking "What difference does it make what she wants?" Well, I was hoping to see some glimmer of wanting to stay with us. What a fool I am.
Once again, this joyless adventure blindsides me.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
A New label
"A personality disorder is a pattern of deviant or abnormal behavior that the person doesn't change even though it causes emotional upsets and trouble with other people at work and in personal relationships. It is not limited to episodes of mental illness, and it is not caused by drug or alcohol use, head injury, or illness. There are about a dozen different behavior patterns classified as personality disorders by DSM-IV. All the personality disorders show up as deviations from normal in one or more of the following:(1) cognition -- i.e., perception, thinking, and interpretation of oneself, other people, and events;(2) affectivity -- i.e., emotional responses (range, intensity, lability, appropriateness);(3) interpersonal functions;(4) impulsivity."
"Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
While grandiosity is the diagnostic hallmark of pathological narcissism, there is research evidence that pathological narcissism occurs in two forms, (a) a grandiose state of mind in young adults that can be corrected by life experiences, and (b) the stable disorder described in DSM-IV, which is defined less by grandiosity than by severely disturbed interpersonal relations.
If NPD is caused by infantile damage and consequent developmental short-circuits, it probably represents an irremediable condition. On the other hand, if narcissism is a behavior pattern that's learned, then there is some hope, however tenuous, that it's a behavior pattern that can be unlearned.
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy. The disorder begins by early adulthood and is indicated by at least five of the following:
"Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
While grandiosity is the diagnostic hallmark of pathological narcissism, there is research evidence that pathological narcissism occurs in two forms, (a) a grandiose state of mind in young adults that can be corrected by life experiences, and (b) the stable disorder described in DSM-IV, which is defined less by grandiosity than by severely disturbed interpersonal relations.
If NPD is caused by infantile damage and consequent developmental short-circuits, it probably represents an irremediable condition. On the other hand, if narcissism is a behavior pattern that's learned, then there is some hope, however tenuous, that it's a behavior pattern that can be unlearned.
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy. The disorder begins by early adulthood and is indicated by at least five of the following:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement
- Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends
- Lacks empathy
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
- Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes"
I believe she has seven of the nine descriptors. This added with her new fascination with writing p0rnn0graffic (altered spelling to avoid spam and freaks) "dreams" and sharing them with classmates makes any progress seem false and our efforts useless. Just a little more disappointment. Checked out a therapeutic camp in Utah that has RAD kids work with horses and requires a one year stay. Appears that only the states of California and Alaska understand that this kind of long-term retraining is critical. Texas Medicaid will not cover it. This place is not on my insurance provider list, but even if they were, my insurance (most insurance companies) will not pay for more than 30-60 days without MEDICAL reason. So, once again if feels like this is a constant, but useless battle.
For more information on this disorder, see http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
