Life as usual?

It's been a few weeks since I posted. Just too much going on--just like everybody else.

As a follow-up, Gio & I went to the OB/Gyn the following Friday. They did another ultrasound, and as I knew, there was nothing there. They scheduled me to come back in in mid-October for a follow-up on those cysts, which were still present. No need for a D&C though, so that was good news.

As for Lutheran Social Services, well part of the plan was that we apply to get DD into a Children's Home. The Case Manager could not really explain the difference between a Children's Home and a Residential Treatment Center, but we made the call as directed. I talked to the intake manager and just from our conversation it didn't sound like this would work, but he asked us to fill out the forms and apply anyway, just in case. So, some more late nights of filling out forms, researching information, and faxing off everything, then waiting for a decision.

What we learned is that while an RTC is for kids who are falling out of a family, Children's Homes are more for families that are falling apart and their kids need a safe place to go. Some examples might be families that are going through hardships because of financial situations, medical situations, death, divorce, whatever that is keeping the family from taking care of a kid. The kids stay a minimum of 6 months and usually up to 18 months, although some kids may stay for 2-3 years. Not sure how any of this would help to make this kid my daughter, but we have to try everything, so we applied. Days later we got the call that no, she indeed did not qualify. She has too many issues and they are primarily a basic-care facility. No surprise.

Lutheran also set us up with a new Psychologist to provide a new psychological evaluation for DD. The new psychiatric eval is not enough. Lutheran plans to use the eval to apply for a different RTC. I told the case manager that if she did get in that I would not allow any drugs for at least a couple of weeks--that I want them to help her deal with her issues, not just drug her into sedation and announce that she is "stable." Chances are though, that she will not be accepted to another facility because she is not severe enough. She falls somewhere in between what a Children's Home will accept and what and RTC will accept.

In the meantime we are working on the other step of the "plan" by meeting with a NEW therapist. While I like this therapist I am just not sure what she will do that will be different from the other 20 therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists DD has seen. So, we continue to go through the process, waiting to see if DD will fight to stay in the family or will passively let it all go. Don't know.

With all this drama pretty much behind us, I am finally able to focus on my job again while I am at work. And just in time, because I've been hit with some big projects. I've also been distracted with DS' recent interest in modeling. I helped do a photo shoot two weeks ago and really got the shutter bug. I've gone a little crazy on eBay lately and should have my home photo studio set up before the holidays.... ;)

God has a WICKED sense of humor

OK - So I captured all of this last Saturday while purging my soul to a friend. I'm too tired to re-write it, or even edit it to look fresh for my Blog, so here is the letter I wrote:

WARNING: Don't be drinking a beverage as you read the next lines...

I'm pregnant. Personally, I don't think I will be for long as I am spotting like crazy, but I went to see an OB/Gyn yesterday and they did a sonogram and it all just became way too real. The whole office staff were way more optimistic than I am. They didn't seem to care about the spotting, or my age, or all the maintenance drugs that I take. They really freaked me out thinking that this may actually be a viable pregnancy and I may need to consider the reality of giving birth shortly after my 45th birthday!!!! I will know a lot more on Monday, when they get back the blood test results. Basically - here's what happened.

Having Polycystic Ovaries, I really never had a regular period, however, since moving back to Texas, for some reason I have been pretty predictable--about every 30 days. So - four years of stability sets up the scenario. August came and went without a period, and the initial physical symptoms of pregnancy are similar to starting a period -- a little crampy; tender breasts...So while I was "late" I thought I was still not yet in menopause. Ha! Well, two weeks later I started to get a little worried.

The long running joke with DH and I, who have tried for YEARS to get pregnant, is that as soon as we buy a home pregnancy test, I will start. Usually works. So DH picked one up on the way home. Wednesday morning I took the test, set it down on the tank behind me, then had an indication that I was starting my period. Even half asleep I had to laugh, thinking this time we had to do more than buy it, I had to actually administer the test to jump start my cycle. Then I turned around, and the stick had two blue lines. I grabbed the box to look at the results sample and two blue lines was not what I expected. I only saw two blue lines once before in my life, and that was when we learned about DS. I was shocked, but assumed that regardless of what the test said, this was about to be over. Looked like I was starting my period and this pregnancy would not be.

But nothing happened with me the rest of the day. Now I got scared, thinking of all the things I've done and the meds I've taken, and my age and...oh gosh...how could this be. My body should be a hostile environment for an embryo. This just can't be.

The next morning--nothing. No spotting, no period. Nothing. At lunch time, I got in my car and called my Gynecologist thinking they would agree that I am not a good candidate for this and it is likely over, but they started talking about all the clients they've had in similar conditions who had normal pregnancies and healthy babies. Ugh! So, not what I wanted to hear. Now I was really confused. I called DH and just lost it on the phone, but he was so supportive and encouraging, and calming it just made me cry. So, here I am in a Pet's Mart parking lot, eating a Schlotzky's sandwich (I never tasted it), talking on the phone, and freaking out on the state of my life. While talking to DH, my other line is ringing and it is Lutheran Social Services talking to me about a new therapist for DD and their efforts to preserve the "family." It was all too much.

So, I drive back to work thinking 20 steps ahead and trying to figure out daycare, finances, bedroom situation at home, names for a boy or a girl, way too much too soon, but that is the way my mind obsesses in crisis mode. I get back to the office, go to the bathroom and AHA! OK - this is definitely over now. Whew! I put in a tampon and go to several back-to-back meetings all afternoon. While away from my desk, DH calls to see if I am OK. The Gyn calls to refer me to an OB/Gyn, Lutheran Services calls, and the new therapist calls. Ugh! My mind is split in so many directions. I get home and tell DH that I think this is over, but when I removed the tampon 5 hours later - nothing. What does this mean?

So I call the OB/Gyn on Friday and they want me to come in TODAY! At lunch I let a co-worker/friend know how much I am freaking out and she offered to go with me, since DH can't make it. I didn't think I really needed her there--I've had so many sonograms with all the fertility attempts that I wasn't really worried. She said she would be there more for the emotional impact-regardless of what they say the outcome may be. I reluctantly agreed. In the end I was so grateful that she was there, if nothing else, to be a witness to the freak show that is my life.

The man who did the sonogram was in his 60s and has done tens of thousands of these. He asked what was up and I said, "I'm 44, I'm not supposed to be here." He said, "So what? We have tons of moms over forty, and even older than you!" I said "yeah, but look at all these meds I am on." and pulled out a big baggie with my four prescription bottles in them. Again he said, "So what?" These little guys are pretty resilient at this stage and we've had mom's on even stronger drugs than this that had perfect outcomes!" Again I protested saying, yeah, but I am spotting off and on and..." He cut me off and again said "So what? We've had women in here constantly bleeding, not spotting, who've had perfect babies!" It may sound like he was being confrontational, but he was not. He was a super-happy, enthusiastic man trying to be supportive and optimistic. We were all laughing. My girlfriend was already holding back tears. She was very excited for me, and I was just confused and still in disbelief.

When he started the sonogram he went straight to a yolk sac and started measuring. Said it looked very good. We seemed to be off by a week, so no heartbeat. Instead of 6 weeks, 5 days, he measured 5 weeks even. Can't see a heartbeat until 5 weeks four days. All of this was news to me--I wasn't expecting a heartbeat at all, Now my friend is just letting the tears flow. She is 38, divorced, and just went through a painful breakup with a boyfriend and is thinking about babies of her own, so weird dynamics going on here. Oh - and she is a devout Catholic and of course wants all conception to live.

Anyway, I asked the sonogram guy, if the yolk sac could just be small NOT because we are off by a week, but because this is not a viable fetus and I am miscarrying and about to start my period--and that is why we can't see a heartbeat. He gave his disclaimer that he is not a doctor, but after 30 years of looking at these, that the yolk sac looked very healthy and it looked like a good one to him. He firmly believes that because of the PCO that my cycles are off and that is why there is a discrepancy in the dates/age/progression of the pregnancy. He felt that if this was a miscarriage about to happen, the yolk sac would look very different. Now I am truly freaking out. My friend is giggling, she is go giddy. She says to me in that high-pitched, almost baby talk whisper, with a big goofy smile on her face and a look of love and tears in her eyes, "You're having a baby." Now my eyes well up with tears. Not sad, not happy, just scared.

He took tons of pictures of this hostile environment inside me. I have two huge cysts on my right ovary that may or may not drop off next week (common during pregnancy because of all the hormones). Then I have what might be a big "mass" just under my right ovary. He measured it so he can compare it to a new measurement next week to see if it grows or not. Said most are benign, but it also could be a bowel loop. Pretty. Then he sees all kinds of fibroids within my uterus. I had no idea all of this was going on inside. Whatever. How could this possibly be happening with all these other potential issues in my belly.

Then I talk to the doctor. She is probably in her early 30s, if that. Very nice, and again supportive. She apologizes that we will have to wait over the weekend to get the blood test results, but starts talking to me about genetic tests I may want to do at 12 weeks. She talks to me about health risks to me from going off my meds, and that I need to talk to my primary care doctor. I let her know that I've lost 45-50 pounds (depending on the week) in the last year, and that perhaps the meds aren't as necessary as before. She thinks the weight loss is probably what allowed me to get pregnant now. Anyway...

So, while a home pregnancy tests tell you if you are or are not pregnant, the blood work tells you HOW pregnant you are. If the progesterone numbers are over 20, this is happening. If they are under 5, this is NOT happening. I already feel confident that I will come in somewhere in between that large gap, since I always seem to be a borderline case at everything. Anyway, if the numbers are good, they want me back in for another sonogram. If I start my period over the weekend, then we know what that means. Meanwhile, I still occasionally spot. That is it. Now you are caught up.

So, we wait for Monday, but even if the numbers are good, "advanced" aged mothers are at high risk of miscarriage throughout the pregnancy. I refuse to think too much about any scenario, and goodness knows I have enough distractions in my life to let go of all this baby, or no baby stuff. Perhaps that is DD's purpose in my life, to provide distraction. There has to be some reason, right? I keep asking myself - "What am I supposed to learn from all of this?"

*deep breath*

End of letter.

So, on Monday the numbers were good - 5999 hCG = 5 weeks. That was blood taken on Friday. Today is Wednesday. I have been cramping and bleeding since Sunday. I KNOW this is over, but Dr. "Pollyanna" and her crew still hold out hope. Oy! I am returning for a sonogram on Friday. Then there will be blood tests for weeks to confirm that this is a complete miscarriage. If not, then I get to go in for that oh-so-lovely procedure, the D&C. I truly hope that nature takes care of this all.

Monday and Tuesday were NUTS!!! My phone was ringing like crazy, and sitting in a cube farm surrounded by men, I had to keep ducking into conference rooms to find out if THIS personal call was about my crazy daughter, or my crazy period. I had psychologists calling, gynecologists calling, therapists calling, OB/Gyns calling and Lutheran Social Services calling. I was losing my mind! All the while - severely cramping and trying to work. My personal life has not been this chaotic and dramatic since my second year of marriage or since my parents divorce when I was 14. This has been a traumatic and severely emotional week. I have been on the worst roller coaster ride of my life.

I am grateful that nature saw fit to make things right. Don't get me wrong, I love babies, and would have loved this baby, if it was meant to be, but I was not relishing the thought of attending my son's graduation from high school while enrolling a toddler in pre-K. Or worse!!! Having to attend another stinkin' birthday party at Chucky Cheese at my friggin' age!!! For goodness sakes--I have my hair colored to cover the gray and a few weeks ago I tried Botox for the first time to deal with my friggin' crows feet!!! I looked so stupid in that Ob/Gyn office sitting next to all the glowing pregnant 20-year olds. I am old enough to be the mother to some of those mothers!!! I felt like all of our plans for our life were written on an etch-a-sketch and God just gave it a good shake and said "start over."

Now, I just need this to end. I learned something else new. Miscarriages are not a one day event. This will take weeks to get back to "normal." Just trying to get the Dr.s office to declare - "go" or "no go" is a real challenge. My hope is that tomorrow I won't need to pop 4 Ibuprofen every four hours and that this mother-of-a-period (no pun intended) will end soon.

Now - back to focusing on the kid we already have...DD strikes again...Oh yeah - and start birth control for the first time since 1989.

Drastic Move...

In a desperate effort to get some real response, we called CPS and said we either need help or we need out. Told them we've contacted a lawyer to see about our rights to dissolve this adoption. Told them we've tapped all of our resources within a 50-mile (shoot even 100-mile) radius and that we were done. The state said fine, but you need to call Lutheran Social Services of the South. So we did.

They are a private, faith-based agency contracted through the state to provide post-adoption support. So far, they are extremely friendly and pro-active. They took all of our information (I was up late again filling out forms, faxing, e-mailing, compiling information for them) and they "staffed our case" and are now working on a "Plan" -- basically a proposal of how to try to fix all of this and move forward. We are not obligated to accept their plan, but in the meantime, they get to do all of the legwork in trying to find a solution--find a better residential treatment, find what our options are financially, find different professionals to work with, etc. We may hear something early next week. It just feels good knowing that someone else is taking on the battle. They have more resources and more connections so hopefully they will get better results.

Oh, and DD? Well, she quit Color Guard because the "stretches were just too hard on her knees." The coach was not too happy that she quit, but she didn't care. Said she "blew out her knee." Then she found out they have a trip coming up and she wanted back in. Too late! The Counselor gave her an earful about how her decision to quit effected many people and that she needed to learn a lesson. The counselor has had quite enough of her, too, but her lecture had no effect on DD.

Then, DS, who gets out 15 minutes earlier than her at the High School, is instructed to walk the two blocks to her school and wait for her so she doesn't walk home alone. Well he waited 40 minutes, then called DH to say he was leaving. DH said fine. A few minutes later DD called DH and asked "Where are you?" He returned the question. She decided that she wanted to be the Lead Role in Les Miserable, so she went to the initial audition meeting. Didn't tell anyone. Didn't care if anyone was waiting on her - DS or DH. She has never been in a UIL play before, she has never memorized lines for even small classroom productions because it is too hard, but she wants the lead role. Just delusional. You have to have good grades and no behavioral problems for teachers to approve you to be in any role, as well. A challenge that she does not think will be a problem.

She is already in the red on a behavior contract we created to allow her to earn money to pay for her own expenses for choir - something else she joined when she quit band (because it was too hard). The choir director is extremely supportive of our contract and knows that if DD does not earn the money to pay for the formal dress and the materials that she will not remain in choir. DD knows this as well and has already made excuses and blamed us for her not making her bed and for her behaviors that cost her money. She is still just the victim and we the evil prison guards.

In the meantime, there are a couple of bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon waiting for me in my kitchen...