We are back to square one again with her. We are not pursuing dissolution now, as Lutheran feels that the judges in our particular county will rake us over the coals stating that we haven't tried everything since we haven't put her back on drugs. She has been on so many combinations of so many drugs for over 6 years, and has had the same behaviors and issues throughout. Not sure what anyone expects will change, but fine, we will play along. Otherwise, we need to be prepared to shell out an initial $5K for a lawyer, to get charged with child abandonment, and to possibly pay child support to the state until her 18th birthday.
We cannot find a psychiatrist to treat her that is on our insurance plan, takes Medicaid, or is contracted with Lutheran Services--if we do find one, they are not taking any new patients. So getting her on drugs has posed a challenge, even to Lutheran. Our fourth therapist just dismissed us--and scheduled new people in our time slot--saying that when she recommended dissolution to Lutheran she didn't expect to see us again. No RTC will take her because she isn't cutting anyone--not crazy enough, and the Children's Homes will not take her because she has too many behaviors--too crazy. We can't fix this. She can't fix this. Nobody else will fix this, and if we try to get out of this, we are the bad guys. It is not a pretty picture. There is no end in sight. We just try to limit interaction.
We get the results of her latest psych eval on the 5th. Not sure what to expect or what that will do for us. I think my next move is to write to every RAD-specialized treatment center in the country, documenting the effort, to see if any of them will work with the insurance/Medicaid that we have available. We will no longer even play with the idea of getting a $60K loan to try to get her one year of help somewhere--with absolutely NO guarantee of any improvement.
We got a call from a teacher on Friday saying that she has tried very hard to work with DD and her behaviors but that she is at her wits end. She cannot seat her next to anyone without problems and when an incident escalated on Friday, she eventually asked DD to join her in the hall. At first, she refused, but eventually left the classroom. She continued to confront the teacher in the hall, escalating it further until the teacher said she would have to call her parents. At that point, DD went into her "Jerry Springer" mode and said "Oh no you won't!" The teacher was shocked and tried again to calm the situation, but nothing worked. She again said she would have to call us, to which DD again said. "No, you won't be calling my parents."
When the teacher told DH the story she sounded like she wanted to smack her in that moment. She said that if she had ever talked like that to a teacher that she would have met the back side of her mother's hand when she got home. He told her that we completely understand, and that we have the same issues at home and asked that she simply document everything--because other parties think WE are crazy and over-react. Told her to kick her out, if she had to. Apparently this has been going on since the beginning of the school year and all of the teachers have just been trying to work with her--show her some compassion and patience. Unfortunately, she has worn them out as well.
So - for now we have no therapist. We have no psychiatrist. The psychologist who did the eval only agreed to do the testing, but will not see her as a patient. The only psychiatrist in town with openings refuses to treat her condition. And all of this will reflect on us as not trying everything to help this kid and to "preserve the family." The state knew what they were dealing us, and now we are the ones failing this kid. We get to be the scapegoat for the dozens of people who failed this kid, to get her to this state.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
What does a divorce feel like?
I mean an amicable one, where both parties agree to go their separate ways? I imagine that while there is some relief, there is also a lot of pain and disappointment. I image that both parties had high hopes, dreams, and fantasies about spending the rest of their lives together--becoming a family. Both parties go into the relationship with love and happiness and I would guess that both leave with sadness, loss, and a sense of failure or frustration.
We are at the beginning of the end with DD, and I have such jumbled feelings about the reality of it all. The steps are in motion.
Tonight, at our family session, the therapist first met with us alone. She asked us what we thought about the group session on Saturday. We shared our feelings of devastation, or hopelessness, or sadness from the realization that this won't get better. That we are looking at years of therapy and conflict, without end.
She acted a bit surprised, but then said she made some phone calls today. She called Lutheran Services and recommended that they end this quickly and not make us jump through all the hoops--that it is too painful and destructive for us all, including DD. She recommended that they not pursue RTC and that if they do get her into an RTC that they start the dissolution proceedings while she is in a residential center. She recommended getting DD out of the house as soon as possible, before things get worse. She also recommended that any further therapy be with DD only with the purpose of preparing her for transition and trying to help her learn what role she played in all of this and what she might try to do differently next time. She does not want us to do family therapy anymore--trying to preserve the family--whether it is done through an RTC or through individual therapy. She said that some kids are just not adoptable and that DD may do very well in an institution setting where no one pressures her to bond. Where she has some stability and intensive therapy and guidance. She started the wheels in motion. Tomorrow there is a conference call between the therapist and the staff at Lutheran. She then wants me to call in on Monday to see what options there are and what decision Lutheran makes.
Much like the miscarriage last month, the primary feeling is relief, but there is also a deep pain and a sense of severe loss. A death, if you will. A death of a daughter I've never known, and never will.
The therapist then spoke to DD alone to prepare her for the upcoming events. DD emerged in tears--not for us, but for her school. She was mad. She is ready to leave us, but requested a foster home in our neighborhood. The truth is, it will not be easy for CPS to find a place for her, and they most likely will not grant her request. While I wish her no ill, I really prefer that she NOT be at the same school or in the same neighborhood. We live in a small suburb--too small. In a couple of years, she and DS will both be in High School. I selfishly do not want them in the same school, and I can't imagine running into her in the neighborhood, or local stores in the coming years. That would just be too hard. This will already be extremely difficult as it is. I know that she wants stability, and I completely understand that, but I don't think she has thought through what staying in this area would really mean for her either.
The therapist made it sound like she could be removed pretty quickly, but that the dissolution might take months. I guess I initially envisioned this happening after the holidays. It will be odd if she is gone before Christmas, but so much less complicated for so many people. I do, however, worry about my young nieces and nephew. I'm not sure how they will take this all in. I don't want to hurt them, or frighten them. I'm sure that for the rest of our lives that everyone we know, including them, will at one time or another describe us as the "couple who returned their adoptive daughter after two years." I know this, and I understand this. I would do the same.
When we first read DD's bio, during the adoption process and read that two families tried adopting her and each returned her after 6 to 8 weeks, we were mortified. "How do you return a kid?!?!? This is not a puppy that you take back to the pound! What kind of heartless people were they?" Now I know that they weren't heartless at all. They just saw the signs much clearer and were much more honest with themselves about the level of emotional disturbance this child has and honest about what they knew they could not handle. They did not listen to CPS or the well-meaning CASA worker who dismissed the frightening labels already adhered to DD. They saved themselves and DD from a long, drawn-out failure. They ended it quickly. They both also blind-sided DD--giving her no warning of thier intent to disrupt the adoption process. She came home to packed bags at the door, or was picked up at school by a CPS worker and taken to a foster home.
In wanting to be honest, and show her some respect, we are staying pretty open with her. We are not sure that she is mature enough to handle the truth, or that we are doing the right thing by keeping her informed, but I simply don't know any other way. There is no nice way to remove someone from your house--especially a child. This is all just so ugly.
We are at the beginning of the end with DD, and I have such jumbled feelings about the reality of it all. The steps are in motion.
Tonight, at our family session, the therapist first met with us alone. She asked us what we thought about the group session on Saturday. We shared our feelings of devastation, or hopelessness, or sadness from the realization that this won't get better. That we are looking at years of therapy and conflict, without end.
She acted a bit surprised, but then said she made some phone calls today. She called Lutheran Services and recommended that they end this quickly and not make us jump through all the hoops--that it is too painful and destructive for us all, including DD. She recommended that they not pursue RTC and that if they do get her into an RTC that they start the dissolution proceedings while she is in a residential center. She recommended getting DD out of the house as soon as possible, before things get worse. She also recommended that any further therapy be with DD only with the purpose of preparing her for transition and trying to help her learn what role she played in all of this and what she might try to do differently next time. She does not want us to do family therapy anymore--trying to preserve the family--whether it is done through an RTC or through individual therapy. She said that some kids are just not adoptable and that DD may do very well in an institution setting where no one pressures her to bond. Where she has some stability and intensive therapy and guidance. She started the wheels in motion. Tomorrow there is a conference call between the therapist and the staff at Lutheran. She then wants me to call in on Monday to see what options there are and what decision Lutheran makes.
Much like the miscarriage last month, the primary feeling is relief, but there is also a deep pain and a sense of severe loss. A death, if you will. A death of a daughter I've never known, and never will.
The therapist then spoke to DD alone to prepare her for the upcoming events. DD emerged in tears--not for us, but for her school. She was mad. She is ready to leave us, but requested a foster home in our neighborhood. The truth is, it will not be easy for CPS to find a place for her, and they most likely will not grant her request. While I wish her no ill, I really prefer that she NOT be at the same school or in the same neighborhood. We live in a small suburb--too small. In a couple of years, she and DS will both be in High School. I selfishly do not want them in the same school, and I can't imagine running into her in the neighborhood, or local stores in the coming years. That would just be too hard. This will already be extremely difficult as it is. I know that she wants stability, and I completely understand that, but I don't think she has thought through what staying in this area would really mean for her either.
The therapist made it sound like she could be removed pretty quickly, but that the dissolution might take months. I guess I initially envisioned this happening after the holidays. It will be odd if she is gone before Christmas, but so much less complicated for so many people. I do, however, worry about my young nieces and nephew. I'm not sure how they will take this all in. I don't want to hurt them, or frighten them. I'm sure that for the rest of our lives that everyone we know, including them, will at one time or another describe us as the "couple who returned their adoptive daughter after two years." I know this, and I understand this. I would do the same.
When we first read DD's bio, during the adoption process and read that two families tried adopting her and each returned her after 6 to 8 weeks, we were mortified. "How do you return a kid?!?!? This is not a puppy that you take back to the pound! What kind of heartless people were they?" Now I know that they weren't heartless at all. They just saw the signs much clearer and were much more honest with themselves about the level of emotional disturbance this child has and honest about what they knew they could not handle. They did not listen to CPS or the well-meaning CASA worker who dismissed the frightening labels already adhered to DD. They saved themselves and DD from a long, drawn-out failure. They ended it quickly. They both also blind-sided DD--giving her no warning of thier intent to disrupt the adoption process. She came home to packed bags at the door, or was picked up at school by a CPS worker and taken to a foster home.
In wanting to be honest, and show her some respect, we are staying pretty open with her. We are not sure that she is mature enough to handle the truth, or that we are doing the right thing by keeping her informed, but I simply don't know any other way. There is no nice way to remove someone from your house--especially a child. This is all just so ugly.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Picking Fights
For the past several weeks, DD has been trying to pick a fight with DH every morning as they prepare to leave for school/work. I leave for work before her morning routine begins, and DS is already at school for before-school wrestling practice. Every afternoon, when he picks her up, she tries for more. He has learned to just ignore her as much as possible and to not engage. She feeds off our anger. We've been told that our demonstrations of anger help relieve some of the inner anger she denies having, without her having to deal with it herself. We've been told to stop getting angry. To just let go.
So far she has packed her backpack with toys, jewelry, changes of clothes, novels, etc. She has worn ridiculous clothing combinations and she has put so much product (what exactly we cannot tell) in her hair that she looks filthy and greasy. Trying to tell her that she looks better without, only brings scorn, anger, and a total victim persona from her. Plus, she says that she thinks she looks pretty. She is in the seventh grade. She says everyone is mean to her and she is tired of people calling her names, but trying to protect her from further ridicule makes us mean and bossy in her eyes. We have let go of this battle.
In the afternoons, she has on tons of make-up that other girls provide. None of the other girls have on as much make-up as she wears, and sometimes tries to half-wash off--making her look liked a drowned clown. When asked where she got the make-up, she screams that her friends "made" her put it on. The multi-colors of nail polish on her fingers and toes, layers upon layers of colors all mangled and messed up from being touched and smashed while wet, are another new element she's added. We did not buy her this polish. Somewhere she accumulated several bottles of polish that she now applies daily, without removing the old. We have let go of this battle as well.
We have looked the other way, trying to pick our battles, but apparently she needs to feed. Her anger needs release, and if we don't yell at her, she is stuck having to deal with her own anger.
This morning she packed her backpack again. This time with a couple changes of clothes. When asked why she was taking all the extra clothes, she got angry. He pushed for an answer and she replied, "because I don't like what I am wearing." Mind you, she picks out her clothes--I gave up that battle about 9 months ago. We don't know what she was really planning for the clothes. Perhaps she was going to give them away. Perhaps she was going to change for a certain class or a certain boy. We may never know. My husband did make her take the clothes out of the backpack. When he said "fine, let's get going" and put his hand on her shoulder to guide her towards the garage, she spun around and snapped at him. "Don't touch me!!" He said, "What? Let's go" and again she screamed at him not to touch her.
My fear is that she is gearing up for a big confrontation and is preparing to falsely accuse him of something. She is setting him up for something.
Tonight I approached her to tell her that we know she is looking for a fight. [We have been told to stop asking "Why?" The only answer to that is 'because I am a dumb ass," and no one will ever say that, so don't ask why.] She denied it, but then added that she didn't like anyone grabbing her or her hair.
I asked if DH grabbed her or her hair, and she told me no. Anyone who didn't know us might not know to ask her for that clarification. They may just assume, and understandably so, that what she meant is that he grabbed her so she screamed at him. That is also what she hopes you think when she says things like that. So I stated [again, not asking why] that she screamed at him for trying to get her to school on time and guiding her towards the car. She agreed.
I stated that she was packing all this stuff in her backpack to provoke him and to start a fight, so she responded by saying that DS was talking about her while she was at RTC. That DS told a neighbor that she was at an RTC and that he was cussing about her.
This is a great tactic of hers, to deflect responsibility, to change the focus of the conversation, and to blame someone else. DS doesn't even know what an RTC is, or use the lingo. DS never talks to the girl she claimed told her this about DS. Even if he did--that had nothing to do with this conversation. I shut her down saying I was not talking about DS, I was talking about her behaviors. She still insisted to tell me of DS' alleged actions. I yelled her name once, and shut her down. Told her that this time we would stay focused on her behavior. I asked if she was blaming DS for her packing all the clothes. I asked if she was blaming DS or maybe even DH for lying to me during our last three conversations. I asked if DS was the reason that she back talks to DH everyday? OF course, there is no answer to these ridiculous rhetorical questions.
- - - - - - -
This is a tired conversation. This is a broken record. I don't know why I even bother. I just wanted to put her on notice that I am aware of her recent actions and that I hold her accountable for everything she does and that she needs to stop picking fights with him every morning.
I have no leverage--nothing to bribe or threaten her with to enforce this demand to stop fighting. When someone cares about nothing, there is nothing to lose. There is nothing you can take away from them that matters to them. There is no fear of consequences. There is no desire to please or to not disappoint. I have no tools with this kid. So we wait. We wait until all the players agree that this is done. This is over. Or we wait for her to escalate the process by accusing one of us, even my son, of doing wrong by her, and let the police or CPS end this for us all.
From Adopting.Org
"Being accused of child abuse when you are innocent is a nightmare that many cannot comprehend who have not lived it. False abuse allegation is a life-shattering catastrophe. And it happens to foster and adoptive parents all the time.
Why? Because many of the kids they care for have emotional, mental and behavioral problems. Some of them will use false abuse accusations as a weapon or a tool to get their way. A few are just trying to get attention. Since some of them have been abused in the past by former caregivers, the details of their accusations can sound very convincing."
So far she has packed her backpack with toys, jewelry, changes of clothes, novels, etc. She has worn ridiculous clothing combinations and she has put so much product (what exactly we cannot tell) in her hair that she looks filthy and greasy. Trying to tell her that she looks better without, only brings scorn, anger, and a total victim persona from her. Plus, she says that she thinks she looks pretty. She is in the seventh grade. She says everyone is mean to her and she is tired of people calling her names, but trying to protect her from further ridicule makes us mean and bossy in her eyes. We have let go of this battle.
In the afternoons, she has on tons of make-up that other girls provide. None of the other girls have on as much make-up as she wears, and sometimes tries to half-wash off--making her look liked a drowned clown. When asked where she got the make-up, she screams that her friends "made" her put it on. The multi-colors of nail polish on her fingers and toes, layers upon layers of colors all mangled and messed up from being touched and smashed while wet, are another new element she's added. We did not buy her this polish. Somewhere she accumulated several bottles of polish that she now applies daily, without removing the old. We have let go of this battle as well.
We have looked the other way, trying to pick our battles, but apparently she needs to feed. Her anger needs release, and if we don't yell at her, she is stuck having to deal with her own anger.
This morning she packed her backpack again. This time with a couple changes of clothes. When asked why she was taking all the extra clothes, she got angry. He pushed for an answer and she replied, "because I don't like what I am wearing." Mind you, she picks out her clothes--I gave up that battle about 9 months ago. We don't know what she was really planning for the clothes. Perhaps she was going to give them away. Perhaps she was going to change for a certain class or a certain boy. We may never know. My husband did make her take the clothes out of the backpack. When he said "fine, let's get going" and put his hand on her shoulder to guide her towards the garage, she spun around and snapped at him. "Don't touch me!!" He said, "What? Let's go" and again she screamed at him not to touch her.
My fear is that she is gearing up for a big confrontation and is preparing to falsely accuse him of something. She is setting him up for something.
Tonight I approached her to tell her that we know she is looking for a fight. [We have been told to stop asking "Why?" The only answer to that is 'because I am a dumb ass," and no one will ever say that, so don't ask why.] She denied it, but then added that she didn't like anyone grabbing her or her hair.
I asked if DH grabbed her or her hair, and she told me no. Anyone who didn't know us might not know to ask her for that clarification. They may just assume, and understandably so, that what she meant is that he grabbed her so she screamed at him. That is also what she hopes you think when she says things like that. So I stated [again, not asking why] that she screamed at him for trying to get her to school on time and guiding her towards the car. She agreed.
I stated that she was packing all this stuff in her backpack to provoke him and to start a fight, so she responded by saying that DS was talking about her while she was at RTC. That DS told a neighbor that she was at an RTC and that he was cussing about her.
This is a great tactic of hers, to deflect responsibility, to change the focus of the conversation, and to blame someone else. DS doesn't even know what an RTC is, or use the lingo. DS never talks to the girl she claimed told her this about DS. Even if he did--that had nothing to do with this conversation. I shut her down saying I was not talking about DS, I was talking about her behaviors. She still insisted to tell me of DS' alleged actions. I yelled her name once, and shut her down. Told her that this time we would stay focused on her behavior. I asked if she was blaming DS for her packing all the clothes. I asked if she was blaming DS or maybe even DH for lying to me during our last three conversations. I asked if DS was the reason that she back talks to DH everyday? OF course, there is no answer to these ridiculous rhetorical questions.
- - - - - - -
This is a tired conversation. This is a broken record. I don't know why I even bother. I just wanted to put her on notice that I am aware of her recent actions and that I hold her accountable for everything she does and that she needs to stop picking fights with him every morning.
I have no leverage--nothing to bribe or threaten her with to enforce this demand to stop fighting. When someone cares about nothing, there is nothing to lose. There is nothing you can take away from them that matters to them. There is no fear of consequences. There is no desire to please or to not disappoint. I have no tools with this kid. So we wait. We wait until all the players agree that this is done. This is over. Or we wait for her to escalate the process by accusing one of us, even my son, of doing wrong by her, and let the police or CPS end this for us all.
From Adopting.Org
"Being accused of child abuse when you are innocent is a nightmare that many cannot comprehend who have not lived it. False abuse allegation is a life-shattering catastrophe. And it happens to foster and adoptive parents all the time.
Why? Because many of the kids they care for have emotional, mental and behavioral problems. Some of them will use false abuse accusations as a weapon or a tool to get their way. A few are just trying to get attention. Since some of them have been abused in the past by former caregivers, the details of their accusations can sound very convincing."
Monday, October 8, 2007
Group Therapy/Parent Support Group
Probably not the result they expect…
Saturday morning we attended our first parent support/group therapy session with our therapist. She has a group that she has been seeing for years, and while they don’t currently have room for another family, one family could not make it this weekend and we could attend in their place. There were three other families in attendance—each at different stages of their adoption experience, but all having had their kids for 2-5 years. We had so many similar experiences with our detached kids, but with us being the newbies, they focused a lot of their attention towards us, as requested by the therapist. She explained to them that we were at a very difficult part of our relationship with DD and that we are pending dissolution, if none of the current intervention efforts from Lutheran Social Services succeed.
We watched all the women and one man grab for the tissues as they shared their experiences—their pain, their frustration, their disappointment, their guilt, their sense of failure, their sense of obligation, their sense of despair. Two families had familial kids—nieces or nephews they took in from an irresponsible sibling. These families had a greater sense of obligation, and the non-blood relatives were really struggling with the decision to keep this damaged child in their homes, but didn’t want to disappoint their spouses who were also struggling with the decision, but felt a stronger drive to succeed—somehow.
One woman in particular finally let the tears flow easily as she talked about her sense of loss from the whole experience. She felt, as we have, the loss of friends and family who are no longer comfortable spending time with them because they do not know how to handle the kid or how to react to how the parents handle the kid. She admitted that she is now in weekly individual therapy, on top of weekly family therapy, and once a month group therapy. This is a woman who had NO THERAPY until they took in her husband’s nephew.
All the families tried to encourage us with little quips like, “OK- so today was rough. Tomorrow will be better!” and “finding the right combination of meds made a huge difference.” These are families who know exactly what we are going through. They truly have the exact same frustrations and confusing thoughts, and guilt about how to handle this situation—and they were doing their best to be supportive. It all felt more like a “misery loves company, so don’t leave me” campaign.
We listened to them all. We watched them all lose it at one time or another. We watched them all smile and encourage each other, and encourage us. They laughed at the shared pain. They laughed at the progress and regress they have all seen in each other’s kids over the years. Not one could say that any growth or progress they witness ever stuck 100%. They all regress at some point—maybe temporarily—but always. They all talked about the constant need to alter the med dosages and combinations, to accommodate changes in the kids. The meds never stabilize. One talked about his kid’s four stays at a Residential Treatment center and how the last time really helped—although he and his wife were still struggling on a daily—sometime hourly basis. They all talked about the things that they no longer do because they can’t take the kid along and no one wants to baby-sit the kid. They talked about abandoning expectations as a coping mechanism. They talked about the monster inside of them that they never knew existed—the monster that would rise in reaction to the kid’s behaviors and how shocked and disappointed they were that they had this monster inside them. But--------- it was all “so much better now” and we should “just keep trying new things.”
In the final minutes of the two hour session, the therapist asked if this session helped us at all, and would we be interested in returning when there was another opening. I turned to the woman in multiple therapy options and stated:
“You’ve had your kid five years. You got him when he was 5 and with all the therapy, treatment, love, guidance, and the ‘right combination of meds’ you are still struggling."
To her husband I said, "Your wife is in tears here, trying to figure out how to ‘survive’ this”
I turned to the man, whose wife was sick at home, and who adopted two brothers:
“You’ve had your kids since they were 1 and 4 and still have problems after 2 years of therapy. You talk about fearing when your boys get to the age of our kids, well I fear my girl getting to the age of other kids I’ve learned about. Teenage kids who do turn violent against the family; who do make false accusations to authorities; who do destroy your home and get in a psychotic state so that the police have to remove them from your home. I’m told it is not a case of ‘if,” but a case of ‘when.’ I am not seeing any hope here. I’m more frightened than before. I thought, ‘if we had only known sooner, perhaps we could have helped her more,’ but you had your kids earlier in their lives and you KNEW earlier than we did EXACTLY what their diagnosis was, and yet, here you are, years later still struggling on a daily basis, with the decision you made to bring these kids into your home."
"You all seem like really nice, loving people who are being tormented because you are responsible adults and you wanted to love and you wanted to help someone. This is not what any of us expected. Yes, these kids are damaged through no fault of their own—but it wasn’t our fault either and no one within the system is taking this issue seriously enough to give these kids any real help. We are at the point where WE now need help. WE need therapy. I guess I am selfish. I want something more from this relationship other than the thought that this kid might be better off with me. I’m certainly not better off with her. I can’t look past all the damage she causes me and my family. I can’t just ignore or tolerate the daily drama and conflict and the fact that it will all only get worse.”
I left there totally drained and more convinced than ever that this will not work. There is no “fixing” or “helping” this child. I do not now have, nor have I ever had, a daughter. I have a hostile ward in my home who cares nothing for me or my family, and the state knows this and continues to set-up other families for the same experience.
There are many successful foster adoptions in this country—probably the majority of cases, but there is an alarming amount of well-meaning families out there, who do not have completely altruistic intentions themselves—they also have expectations, dreams and hopes about a new child in their family—who are being tested, tormented, and pushed to their limits. Everyone agrees the “system” must change, but nothing real is being done to change it. No one wants to publish the facts about Foster Adoption for fear that no one will want to adopt these kids that desperately need loving homes, but perpetrating the myth of how beautiful and life-fulfilling foster adoption is while delivering severely damaged children to unsuspecting families and communities should be criminal. Hiding the truth is what will make it harder and harder to get anyone to adopt for fear that they are not getting full disclosure on a child—a child that may be perfectly adoptable or may be so severely disturbed that you will never bond or find any peace or joy with them in your life.
There are no decisions to make today. We still need to play the game with Lutheran. We all know it is a game—possibly a stall tactic, as we jump through all the prescribed hoops—but we all seem to talk with each other knowing what the ultimate conclusion will be.
Saturday morning we attended our first parent support/group therapy session with our therapist. She has a group that she has been seeing for years, and while they don’t currently have room for another family, one family could not make it this weekend and we could attend in their place. There were three other families in attendance—each at different stages of their adoption experience, but all having had their kids for 2-5 years. We had so many similar experiences with our detached kids, but with us being the newbies, they focused a lot of their attention towards us, as requested by the therapist. She explained to them that we were at a very difficult part of our relationship with DD and that we are pending dissolution, if none of the current intervention efforts from Lutheran Social Services succeed.
We watched all the women and one man grab for the tissues as they shared their experiences—their pain, their frustration, their disappointment, their guilt, their sense of failure, their sense of obligation, their sense of despair. Two families had familial kids—nieces or nephews they took in from an irresponsible sibling. These families had a greater sense of obligation, and the non-blood relatives were really struggling with the decision to keep this damaged child in their homes, but didn’t want to disappoint their spouses who were also struggling with the decision, but felt a stronger drive to succeed—somehow.
One woman in particular finally let the tears flow easily as she talked about her sense of loss from the whole experience. She felt, as we have, the loss of friends and family who are no longer comfortable spending time with them because they do not know how to handle the kid or how to react to how the parents handle the kid. She admitted that she is now in weekly individual therapy, on top of weekly family therapy, and once a month group therapy. This is a woman who had NO THERAPY until they took in her husband’s nephew.
All the families tried to encourage us with little quips like, “OK- so today was rough. Tomorrow will be better!” and “finding the right combination of meds made a huge difference.” These are families who know exactly what we are going through. They truly have the exact same frustrations and confusing thoughts, and guilt about how to handle this situation—and they were doing their best to be supportive. It all felt more like a “misery loves company, so don’t leave me” campaign.
We listened to them all. We watched them all lose it at one time or another. We watched them all smile and encourage each other, and encourage us. They laughed at the shared pain. They laughed at the progress and regress they have all seen in each other’s kids over the years. Not one could say that any growth or progress they witness ever stuck 100%. They all regress at some point—maybe temporarily—but always. They all talked about the constant need to alter the med dosages and combinations, to accommodate changes in the kids. The meds never stabilize. One talked about his kid’s four stays at a Residential Treatment center and how the last time really helped—although he and his wife were still struggling on a daily—sometime hourly basis. They all talked about the things that they no longer do because they can’t take the kid along and no one wants to baby-sit the kid. They talked about abandoning expectations as a coping mechanism. They talked about the monster inside of them that they never knew existed—the monster that would rise in reaction to the kid’s behaviors and how shocked and disappointed they were that they had this monster inside them. But--------- it was all “so much better now” and we should “just keep trying new things.”
In the final minutes of the two hour session, the therapist asked if this session helped us at all, and would we be interested in returning when there was another opening. I turned to the woman in multiple therapy options and stated:
“You’ve had your kid five years. You got him when he was 5 and with all the therapy, treatment, love, guidance, and the ‘right combination of meds’ you are still struggling."
To her husband I said, "Your wife is in tears here, trying to figure out how to ‘survive’ this”
I turned to the man, whose wife was sick at home, and who adopted two brothers:
“You’ve had your kids since they were 1 and 4 and still have problems after 2 years of therapy. You talk about fearing when your boys get to the age of our kids, well I fear my girl getting to the age of other kids I’ve learned about. Teenage kids who do turn violent against the family; who do make false accusations to authorities; who do destroy your home and get in a psychotic state so that the police have to remove them from your home. I’m told it is not a case of ‘if,” but a case of ‘when.’ I am not seeing any hope here. I’m more frightened than before. I thought, ‘if we had only known sooner, perhaps we could have helped her more,’ but you had your kids earlier in their lives and you KNEW earlier than we did EXACTLY what their diagnosis was, and yet, here you are, years later still struggling on a daily basis, with the decision you made to bring these kids into your home."
"You all seem like really nice, loving people who are being tormented because you are responsible adults and you wanted to love and you wanted to help someone. This is not what any of us expected. Yes, these kids are damaged through no fault of their own—but it wasn’t our fault either and no one within the system is taking this issue seriously enough to give these kids any real help. We are at the point where WE now need help. WE need therapy. I guess I am selfish. I want something more from this relationship other than the thought that this kid might be better off with me. I’m certainly not better off with her. I can’t look past all the damage she causes me and my family. I can’t just ignore or tolerate the daily drama and conflict and the fact that it will all only get worse.”
I left there totally drained and more convinced than ever that this will not work. There is no “fixing” or “helping” this child. I do not now have, nor have I ever had, a daughter. I have a hostile ward in my home who cares nothing for me or my family, and the state knows this and continues to set-up other families for the same experience.
There are many successful foster adoptions in this country—probably the majority of cases, but there is an alarming amount of well-meaning families out there, who do not have completely altruistic intentions themselves—they also have expectations, dreams and hopes about a new child in their family—who are being tested, tormented, and pushed to their limits. Everyone agrees the “system” must change, but nothing real is being done to change it. No one wants to publish the facts about Foster Adoption for fear that no one will want to adopt these kids that desperately need loving homes, but perpetrating the myth of how beautiful and life-fulfilling foster adoption is while delivering severely damaged children to unsuspecting families and communities should be criminal. Hiding the truth is what will make it harder and harder to get anyone to adopt for fear that they are not getting full disclosure on a child—a child that may be perfectly adoptable or may be so severely disturbed that you will never bond or find any peace or joy with them in your life.
There are no decisions to make today. We still need to play the game with Lutheran. We all know it is a game—possibly a stall tactic, as we jump through all the prescribed hoops—but we all seem to talk with each other knowing what the ultimate conclusion will be.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Life as usual?
It's been a few weeks since I posted. Just too much going on--just like everybody else.
As a follow-up, Gio & I went to the OB/Gyn the following Friday. They did another ultrasound, and as I knew, there was nothing there. They scheduled me to come back in in mid-October for a follow-up on those cysts, which were still present. No need for a D&C though, so that was good news.
As for Lutheran Social Services, well part of the plan was that we apply to get DD into a Children's Home. The Case Manager could not really explain the difference between a Children's Home and a Residential Treatment Center, but we made the call as directed. I talked to the intake manager and just from our conversation it didn't sound like this would work, but he asked us to fill out the forms and apply anyway, just in case. So, some more late nights of filling out forms, researching information, and faxing off everything, then waiting for a decision.
What we learned is that while an RTC is for kids who are falling out of a family, Children's Homes are more for families that are falling apart and their kids need a safe place to go. Some examples might be families that are going through hardships because of financial situations, medical situations, death, divorce, whatever that is keeping the family from taking care of a kid. The kids stay a minimum of 6 months and usually up to 18 months, although some kids may stay for 2-3 years. Not sure how any of this would help to make this kid my daughter, but we have to try everything, so we applied. Days later we got the call that no, she indeed did not qualify. She has too many issues and they are primarily a basic-care facility. No surprise.
Lutheran also set us up with a new Psychologist to provide a new psychological evaluation for DD. The new psychiatric eval is not enough. Lutheran plans to use the eval to apply for a different RTC. I told the case manager that if she did get in that I would not allow any drugs for at least a couple of weeks--that I want them to help her deal with her issues, not just drug her into sedation and announce that she is "stable." Chances are though, that she will not be accepted to another facility because she is not severe enough. She falls somewhere in between what a Children's Home will accept and what and RTC will accept.
In the meantime we are working on the other step of the "plan" by meeting with a NEW therapist. While I like this therapist I am just not sure what she will do that will be different from the other 20 therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists DD has seen. So, we continue to go through the process, waiting to see if DD will fight to stay in the family or will passively let it all go. Don't know.
With all this drama pretty much behind us, I am finally able to focus on my job again while I am at work. And just in time, because I've been hit with some big projects. I've also been distracted with DS' recent interest in modeling. I helped do a photo shoot two weeks ago and really got the shutter bug. I've gone a little crazy on eBay lately and should have my home photo studio set up before the holidays.... ;)
As a follow-up, Gio & I went to the OB/Gyn the following Friday. They did another ultrasound, and as I knew, there was nothing there. They scheduled me to come back in in mid-October for a follow-up on those cysts, which were still present. No need for a D&C though, so that was good news.
As for Lutheran Social Services, well part of the plan was that we apply to get DD into a Children's Home. The Case Manager could not really explain the difference between a Children's Home and a Residential Treatment Center, but we made the call as directed. I talked to the intake manager and just from our conversation it didn't sound like this would work, but he asked us to fill out the forms and apply anyway, just in case. So, some more late nights of filling out forms, researching information, and faxing off everything, then waiting for a decision.
What we learned is that while an RTC is for kids who are falling out of a family, Children's Homes are more for families that are falling apart and their kids need a safe place to go. Some examples might be families that are going through hardships because of financial situations, medical situations, death, divorce, whatever that is keeping the family from taking care of a kid. The kids stay a minimum of 6 months and usually up to 18 months, although some kids may stay for 2-3 years. Not sure how any of this would help to make this kid my daughter, but we have to try everything, so we applied. Days later we got the call that no, she indeed did not qualify. She has too many issues and they are primarily a basic-care facility. No surprise.
Lutheran also set us up with a new Psychologist to provide a new psychological evaluation for DD. The new psychiatric eval is not enough. Lutheran plans to use the eval to apply for a different RTC. I told the case manager that if she did get in that I would not allow any drugs for at least a couple of weeks--that I want them to help her deal with her issues, not just drug her into sedation and announce that she is "stable." Chances are though, that she will not be accepted to another facility because she is not severe enough. She falls somewhere in between what a Children's Home will accept and what and RTC will accept.
In the meantime we are working on the other step of the "plan" by meeting with a NEW therapist. While I like this therapist I am just not sure what she will do that will be different from the other 20 therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists DD has seen. So, we continue to go through the process, waiting to see if DD will fight to stay in the family or will passively let it all go. Don't know.
With all this drama pretty much behind us, I am finally able to focus on my job again while I am at work. And just in time, because I've been hit with some big projects. I've also been distracted with DS' recent interest in modeling. I helped do a photo shoot two weeks ago and really got the shutter bug. I've gone a little crazy on eBay lately and should have my home photo studio set up before the holidays.... ;)
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
God has a WICKED sense of humor
OK - So I captured all of this last Saturday while purging my soul to a friend. I'm too tired to re-write it, or even edit it to look fresh for my Blog, so here is the letter I wrote:
WARNING: Don't be drinking a beverage as you read the next lines...
I'm pregnant. Personally, I don't think I will be for long as I am spotting like crazy, but I went to see an OB/Gyn yesterday and they did a sonogram and it all just became way too real. The whole office staff were way more optimistic than I am. They didn't seem to care about the spotting, or my age, or all the maintenance drugs that I take. They really freaked me out thinking that this may actually be a viable pregnancy and I may need to consider the reality of giving birth shortly after my 45th birthday!!!! I will know a lot more on Monday, when they get back the blood test results. Basically - here's what happened.
Having Polycystic Ovaries, I really never had a regular period, however, since moving back to Texas, for some reason I have been pretty predictable--about every 30 days. So - four years of stability sets up the scenario. August came and went without a period, and the initial physical symptoms of pregnancy are similar to starting a period -- a little crampy; tender breasts...So while I was "late" I thought I was still not yet in menopause. Ha! Well, two weeks later I started to get a little worried.
The long running joke with DH and I, who have tried for YEARS to get pregnant, is that as soon as we buy a home pregnancy test, I will start. Usually works. So DH picked one up on the way home. Wednesday morning I took the test, set it down on the tank behind me, then had an indication that I was starting my period. Even half asleep I had to laugh, thinking this time we had to do more than buy it, I had to actually administer the test to jump start my cycle. Then I turned around, and the stick had two blue lines. I grabbed the box to look at the results sample and two blue lines was not what I expected. I only saw two blue lines once before in my life, and that was when we learned about DS. I was shocked, but assumed that regardless of what the test said, this was about to be over. Looked like I was starting my period and this pregnancy would not be.
But nothing happened with me the rest of the day. Now I got scared, thinking of all the things I've done and the meds I've taken, and my age and...oh gosh...how could this be. My body should be a hostile environment for an embryo. This just can't be.
The next morning--nothing. No spotting, no period. Nothing. At lunch time, I got in my car and called my Gynecologist thinking they would agree that I am not a good candidate for this and it is likely over, but they started talking about all the clients they've had in similar conditions who had normal pregnancies and healthy babies. Ugh! So, not what I wanted to hear. Now I was really confused. I called DH and just lost it on the phone, but he was so supportive and encouraging, and calming it just made me cry. So, here I am in a Pet's Mart parking lot, eating a Schlotzky's sandwich (I never tasted it), talking on the phone, and freaking out on the state of my life. While talking to DH, my other line is ringing and it is Lutheran Social Services talking to me about a new therapist for DD and their efforts to preserve the "family." It was all too much.
So, I drive back to work thinking 20 steps ahead and trying to figure out daycare, finances, bedroom situation at home, names for a boy or a girl, way too much too soon, but that is the way my mind obsesses in crisis mode. I get back to the office, go to the bathroom and AHA! OK - this is definitely over now. Whew! I put in a tampon and go to several back-to-back meetings all afternoon. While away from my desk, DH calls to see if I am OK. The Gyn calls to refer me to an OB/Gyn, Lutheran Services calls, and the new therapist calls. Ugh! My mind is split in so many directions. I get home and tell DH that I think this is over, but when I removed the tampon 5 hours later - nothing. What does this mean?
So I call the OB/Gyn on Friday and they want me to come in TODAY! At lunch I let a co-worker/friend know how much I am freaking out and she offered to go with me, since DH can't make it. I didn't think I really needed her there--I've had so many sonograms with all the fertility attempts that I wasn't really worried. She said she would be there more for the emotional impact-regardless of what they say the outcome may be. I reluctantly agreed. In the end I was so grateful that she was there, if nothing else, to be a witness to the freak show that is my life.
The man who did the sonogram was in his 60s and has done tens of thousands of these. He asked what was up and I said, "I'm 44, I'm not supposed to be here." He said, "So what? We have tons of moms over forty, and even older than you!" I said "yeah, but look at all these meds I am on." and pulled out a big baggie with my four prescription bottles in them. Again he said, "So what?" These little guys are pretty resilient at this stage and we've had mom's on even stronger drugs than this that had perfect outcomes!" Again I protested saying, yeah, but I am spotting off and on and..." He cut me off and again said "So what? We've had women in here constantly bleeding, not spotting, who've had perfect babies!" It may sound like he was being confrontational, but he was not. He was a super-happy, enthusiastic man trying to be supportive and optimistic. We were all laughing. My girlfriend was already holding back tears. She was very excited for me, and I was just confused and still in disbelief.
When he started the sonogram he went straight to a yolk sac and started measuring. Said it looked very good. We seemed to be off by a week, so no heartbeat. Instead of 6 weeks, 5 days, he measured 5 weeks even. Can't see a heartbeat until 5 weeks four days. All of this was news to me--I wasn't expecting a heartbeat at all, Now my friend is just letting the tears flow. She is 38, divorced, and just went through a painful breakup with a boyfriend and is thinking about babies of her own, so weird dynamics going on here. Oh - and she is a devout Catholic and of course wants all conception to live.
Anyway, I asked the sonogram guy, if the yolk sac could just be small NOT because we are off by a week, but because this is not a viable fetus and I am miscarrying and about to start my period--and that is why we can't see a heartbeat. He gave his disclaimer that he is not a doctor, but after 30 years of looking at these, that the yolk sac looked very healthy and it looked like a good one to him. He firmly believes that because of the PCO that my cycles are off and that is why there is a discrepancy in the dates/age/progression of the pregnancy. He felt that if this was a miscarriage about to happen, the yolk sac would look very different. Now I am truly freaking out. My friend is giggling, she is go giddy. She says to me in that high-pitched, almost baby talk whisper, with a big goofy smile on her face and a look of love and tears in her eyes, "You're having a baby." Now my eyes well up with tears. Not sad, not happy, just scared.
He took tons of pictures of this hostile environment inside me. I have two huge cysts on my right ovary that may or may not drop off next week (common during pregnancy because of all the hormones). Then I have what might be a big "mass" just under my right ovary. He measured it so he can compare it to a new measurement next week to see if it grows or not. Said most are benign, but it also could be a bowel loop. Pretty. Then he sees all kinds of fibroids within my uterus. I had no idea all of this was going on inside. Whatever. How could this possibly be happening with all these other potential issues in my belly.
Then I talk to the doctor. She is probably in her early 30s, if that. Very nice, and again supportive. She apologizes that we will have to wait over the weekend to get the blood test results, but starts talking to me about genetic tests I may want to do at 12 weeks. She talks to me about health risks to me from going off my meds, and that I need to talk to my primary care doctor. I let her know that I've lost 45-50 pounds (depending on the week) in the last year, and that perhaps the meds aren't as necessary as before. She thinks the weight loss is probably what allowed me to get pregnant now. Anyway...
So, while a home pregnancy tests tell you if you are or are not pregnant, the blood work tells you HOW pregnant you are. If the progesterone numbers are over 20, this is happening. If they are under 5, this is NOT happening. I already feel confident that I will come in somewhere in between that large gap, since I always seem to be a borderline case at everything. Anyway, if the numbers are good, they want me back in for another sonogram. If I start my period over the weekend, then we know what that means. Meanwhile, I still occasionally spot. That is it. Now you are caught up.
So, we wait for Monday, but even if the numbers are good, "advanced" aged mothers are at high risk of miscarriage throughout the pregnancy. I refuse to think too much about any scenario, and goodness knows I have enough distractions in my life to let go of all this baby, or no baby stuff. Perhaps that is DD's purpose in my life, to provide distraction. There has to be some reason, right? I keep asking myself - "What am I supposed to learn from all of this?"
*deep breath*
End of letter.
So, on Monday the numbers were good - 5999 hCG = 5 weeks. That was blood taken on Friday. Today is Wednesday. I have been cramping and bleeding since Sunday. I KNOW this is over, but Dr. "Pollyanna" and her crew still hold out hope. Oy! I am returning for a sonogram on Friday. Then there will be blood tests for weeks to confirm that this is a complete miscarriage. If not, then I get to go in for that oh-so-lovely procedure, the D&C. I truly hope that nature takes care of this all.
Monday and Tuesday were NUTS!!! My phone was ringing like crazy, and sitting in a cube farm surrounded by men, I had to keep ducking into conference rooms to find out if THIS personal call was about my crazy daughter, or my crazy period. I had psychologists calling, gynecologists calling, therapists calling, OB/Gyns calling and Lutheran Social Services calling. I was losing my mind! All the while - severely cramping and trying to work. My personal life has not been this chaotic and dramatic since my second year of marriage or since my parents divorce when I was 14. This has been a traumatic and severely emotional week. I have been on the worst roller coaster ride of my life.
I am grateful that nature saw fit to make things right. Don't get me wrong, I love babies, and would have loved this baby, if it was meant to be, but I was not relishing the thought of attending my son's graduation from high school while enrolling a toddler in pre-K. Or worse!!! Having to attend another stinkin' birthday party at Chucky Cheese at my friggin' age!!! For goodness sakes--I have my hair colored to cover the gray and a few weeks ago I tried Botox for the first time to deal with my friggin' crows feet!!! I looked so stupid in that Ob/Gyn office sitting next to all the glowing pregnant 20-year olds. I am old enough to be the mother to some of those mothers!!! I felt like all of our plans for our life were written on an etch-a-sketch and God just gave it a good shake and said "start over."
Now, I just need this to end. I learned something else new. Miscarriages are not a one day event. This will take weeks to get back to "normal." Just trying to get the Dr.s office to declare - "go" or "no go" is a real challenge. My hope is that tomorrow I won't need to pop 4 Ibuprofen every four hours and that this mother-of-a-period (no pun intended) will end soon.
Now - back to focusing on the kid we already have...DD strikes again...Oh yeah - and start birth control for the first time since 1989.
WARNING: Don't be drinking a beverage as you read the next lines...
I'm pregnant. Personally, I don't think I will be for long as I am spotting like crazy, but I went to see an OB/Gyn yesterday and they did a sonogram and it all just became way too real. The whole office staff were way more optimistic than I am. They didn't seem to care about the spotting, or my age, or all the maintenance drugs that I take. They really freaked me out thinking that this may actually be a viable pregnancy and I may need to consider the reality of giving birth shortly after my 45th birthday!!!! I will know a lot more on Monday, when they get back the blood test results. Basically - here's what happened.
Having Polycystic Ovaries, I really never had a regular period, however, since moving back to Texas, for some reason I have been pretty predictable--about every 30 days. So - four years of stability sets up the scenario. August came and went without a period, and the initial physical symptoms of pregnancy are similar to starting a period -- a little crampy; tender breasts...So while I was "late" I thought I was still not yet in menopause. Ha! Well, two weeks later I started to get a little worried.
The long running joke with DH and I, who have tried for YEARS to get pregnant, is that as soon as we buy a home pregnancy test, I will start. Usually works. So DH picked one up on the way home. Wednesday morning I took the test, set it down on the tank behind me, then had an indication that I was starting my period. Even half asleep I had to laugh, thinking this time we had to do more than buy it, I had to actually administer the test to jump start my cycle. Then I turned around, and the stick had two blue lines. I grabbed the box to look at the results sample and two blue lines was not what I expected. I only saw two blue lines once before in my life, and that was when we learned about DS. I was shocked, but assumed that regardless of what the test said, this was about to be over. Looked like I was starting my period and this pregnancy would not be.
But nothing happened with me the rest of the day. Now I got scared, thinking of all the things I've done and the meds I've taken, and my age and...oh gosh...how could this be. My body should be a hostile environment for an embryo. This just can't be.
The next morning--nothing. No spotting, no period. Nothing. At lunch time, I got in my car and called my Gynecologist thinking they would agree that I am not a good candidate for this and it is likely over, but they started talking about all the clients they've had in similar conditions who had normal pregnancies and healthy babies. Ugh! So, not what I wanted to hear. Now I was really confused. I called DH and just lost it on the phone, but he was so supportive and encouraging, and calming it just made me cry. So, here I am in a Pet's Mart parking lot, eating a Schlotzky's sandwich (I never tasted it), talking on the phone, and freaking out on the state of my life. While talking to DH, my other line is ringing and it is Lutheran Social Services talking to me about a new therapist for DD and their efforts to preserve the "family." It was all too much.
So, I drive back to work thinking 20 steps ahead and trying to figure out daycare, finances, bedroom situation at home, names for a boy or a girl, way too much too soon, but that is the way my mind obsesses in crisis mode. I get back to the office, go to the bathroom and AHA! OK - this is definitely over now. Whew! I put in a tampon and go to several back-to-back meetings all afternoon. While away from my desk, DH calls to see if I am OK. The Gyn calls to refer me to an OB/Gyn, Lutheran Services calls, and the new therapist calls. Ugh! My mind is split in so many directions. I get home and tell DH that I think this is over, but when I removed the tampon 5 hours later - nothing. What does this mean?
So I call the OB/Gyn on Friday and they want me to come in TODAY! At lunch I let a co-worker/friend know how much I am freaking out and she offered to go with me, since DH can't make it. I didn't think I really needed her there--I've had so many sonograms with all the fertility attempts that I wasn't really worried. She said she would be there more for the emotional impact-regardless of what they say the outcome may be. I reluctantly agreed. In the end I was so grateful that she was there, if nothing else, to be a witness to the freak show that is my life.
The man who did the sonogram was in his 60s and has done tens of thousands of these. He asked what was up and I said, "I'm 44, I'm not supposed to be here." He said, "So what? We have tons of moms over forty, and even older than you!" I said "yeah, but look at all these meds I am on." and pulled out a big baggie with my four prescription bottles in them. Again he said, "So what?" These little guys are pretty resilient at this stage and we've had mom's on even stronger drugs than this that had perfect outcomes!" Again I protested saying, yeah, but I am spotting off and on and..." He cut me off and again said "So what? We've had women in here constantly bleeding, not spotting, who've had perfect babies!" It may sound like he was being confrontational, but he was not. He was a super-happy, enthusiastic man trying to be supportive and optimistic. We were all laughing. My girlfriend was already holding back tears. She was very excited for me, and I was just confused and still in disbelief.
When he started the sonogram he went straight to a yolk sac and started measuring. Said it looked very good. We seemed to be off by a week, so no heartbeat. Instead of 6 weeks, 5 days, he measured 5 weeks even. Can't see a heartbeat until 5 weeks four days. All of this was news to me--I wasn't expecting a heartbeat at all, Now my friend is just letting the tears flow. She is 38, divorced, and just went through a painful breakup with a boyfriend and is thinking about babies of her own, so weird dynamics going on here. Oh - and she is a devout Catholic and of course wants all conception to live.
Anyway, I asked the sonogram guy, if the yolk sac could just be small NOT because we are off by a week, but because this is not a viable fetus and I am miscarrying and about to start my period--and that is why we can't see a heartbeat. He gave his disclaimer that he is not a doctor, but after 30 years of looking at these, that the yolk sac looked very healthy and it looked like a good one to him. He firmly believes that because of the PCO that my cycles are off and that is why there is a discrepancy in the dates/age/progression of the pregnancy. He felt that if this was a miscarriage about to happen, the yolk sac would look very different. Now I am truly freaking out. My friend is giggling, she is go giddy. She says to me in that high-pitched, almost baby talk whisper, with a big goofy smile on her face and a look of love and tears in her eyes, "You're having a baby." Now my eyes well up with tears. Not sad, not happy, just scared.
He took tons of pictures of this hostile environment inside me. I have two huge cysts on my right ovary that may or may not drop off next week (common during pregnancy because of all the hormones). Then I have what might be a big "mass" just under my right ovary. He measured it so he can compare it to a new measurement next week to see if it grows or not. Said most are benign, but it also could be a bowel loop. Pretty. Then he sees all kinds of fibroids within my uterus. I had no idea all of this was going on inside. Whatever. How could this possibly be happening with all these other potential issues in my belly.
Then I talk to the doctor. She is probably in her early 30s, if that. Very nice, and again supportive. She apologizes that we will have to wait over the weekend to get the blood test results, but starts talking to me about genetic tests I may want to do at 12 weeks. She talks to me about health risks to me from going off my meds, and that I need to talk to my primary care doctor. I let her know that I've lost 45-50 pounds (depending on the week) in the last year, and that perhaps the meds aren't as necessary as before. She thinks the weight loss is probably what allowed me to get pregnant now. Anyway...
So, while a home pregnancy tests tell you if you are or are not pregnant, the blood work tells you HOW pregnant you are. If the progesterone numbers are over 20, this is happening. If they are under 5, this is NOT happening. I already feel confident that I will come in somewhere in between that large gap, since I always seem to be a borderline case at everything. Anyway, if the numbers are good, they want me back in for another sonogram. If I start my period over the weekend, then we know what that means. Meanwhile, I still occasionally spot. That is it. Now you are caught up.
So, we wait for Monday, but even if the numbers are good, "advanced" aged mothers are at high risk of miscarriage throughout the pregnancy. I refuse to think too much about any scenario, and goodness knows I have enough distractions in my life to let go of all this baby, or no baby stuff. Perhaps that is DD's purpose in my life, to provide distraction. There has to be some reason, right? I keep asking myself - "What am I supposed to learn from all of this?"
*deep breath*
End of letter.
So, on Monday the numbers were good - 5999 hCG = 5 weeks. That was blood taken on Friday. Today is Wednesday. I have been cramping and bleeding since Sunday. I KNOW this is over, but Dr. "Pollyanna" and her crew still hold out hope. Oy! I am returning for a sonogram on Friday. Then there will be blood tests for weeks to confirm that this is a complete miscarriage. If not, then I get to go in for that oh-so-lovely procedure, the D&C. I truly hope that nature takes care of this all.
Monday and Tuesday were NUTS!!! My phone was ringing like crazy, and sitting in a cube farm surrounded by men, I had to keep ducking into conference rooms to find out if THIS personal call was about my crazy daughter, or my crazy period. I had psychologists calling, gynecologists calling, therapists calling, OB/Gyns calling and Lutheran Social Services calling. I was losing my mind! All the while - severely cramping and trying to work. My personal life has not been this chaotic and dramatic since my second year of marriage or since my parents divorce when I was 14. This has been a traumatic and severely emotional week. I have been on the worst roller coaster ride of my life.
I am grateful that nature saw fit to make things right. Don't get me wrong, I love babies, and would have loved this baby, if it was meant to be, but I was not relishing the thought of attending my son's graduation from high school while enrolling a toddler in pre-K. Or worse!!! Having to attend another stinkin' birthday party at Chucky Cheese at my friggin' age!!! For goodness sakes--I have my hair colored to cover the gray and a few weeks ago I tried Botox for the first time to deal with my friggin' crows feet!!! I looked so stupid in that Ob/Gyn office sitting next to all the glowing pregnant 20-year olds. I am old enough to be the mother to some of those mothers!!! I felt like all of our plans for our life were written on an etch-a-sketch and God just gave it a good shake and said "start over."
Now, I just need this to end. I learned something else new. Miscarriages are not a one day event. This will take weeks to get back to "normal." Just trying to get the Dr.s office to declare - "go" or "no go" is a real challenge. My hope is that tomorrow I won't need to pop 4 Ibuprofen every four hours and that this mother-of-a-period (no pun intended) will end soon.
Now - back to focusing on the kid we already have...DD strikes again...Oh yeah - and start birth control for the first time since 1989.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Drastic Move...
In a desperate effort to get some real response, we called CPS and said we either need help or we need out. Told them we've contacted a lawyer to see about our rights to dissolve this adoption. Told them we've tapped all of our resources within a 50-mile (shoot even 100-mile) radius and that we were done. The state said fine, but you need to call Lutheran Social Services of the South. So we did.
They are a private, faith-based agency contracted through the state to provide post-adoption support. So far, they are extremely friendly and pro-active. They took all of our information (I was up late again filling out forms, faxing, e-mailing, compiling information for them) and they "staffed our case" and are now working on a "Plan" -- basically a proposal of how to try to fix all of this and move forward. We are not obligated to accept their plan, but in the meantime, they get to do all of the legwork in trying to find a solution--find a better residential treatment, find what our options are financially, find different professionals to work with, etc. We may hear something early next week. It just feels good knowing that someone else is taking on the battle. They have more resources and more connections so hopefully they will get better results.
Oh, and DD? Well, she quit Color Guard because the "stretches were just too hard on her knees." The coach was not too happy that she quit, but she didn't care. Said she "blew out her knee." Then she found out they have a trip coming up and she wanted back in. Too late! The Counselor gave her an earful about how her decision to quit effected many people and that she needed to learn a lesson. The counselor has had quite enough of her, too, but her lecture had no effect on DD.
Then, DS, who gets out 15 minutes earlier than her at the High School, is instructed to walk the two blocks to her school and wait for her so she doesn't walk home alone. Well he waited 40 minutes, then called DH to say he was leaving. DH said fine. A few minutes later DD called DH and asked "Where are you?" He returned the question. She decided that she wanted to be the Lead Role in Les Miserable, so she went to the initial audition meeting. Didn't tell anyone. Didn't care if anyone was waiting on her - DS or DH. She has never been in a UIL play before, she has never memorized lines for even small classroom productions because it is too hard, but she wants the lead role. Just delusional. You have to have good grades and no behavioral problems for teachers to approve you to be in any role, as well. A challenge that she does not think will be a problem.
She is already in the red on a behavior contract we created to allow her to earn money to pay for her own expenses for choir - something else she joined when she quit band (because it was too hard). The choir director is extremely supportive of our contract and knows that if DD does not earn the money to pay for the formal dress and the materials that she will not remain in choir. DD knows this as well and has already made excuses and blamed us for her not making her bed and for her behaviors that cost her money. She is still just the victim and we the evil prison guards.
In the meantime, there are a couple of bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon waiting for me in my kitchen...
They are a private, faith-based agency contracted through the state to provide post-adoption support. So far, they are extremely friendly and pro-active. They took all of our information (I was up late again filling out forms, faxing, e-mailing, compiling information for them) and they "staffed our case" and are now working on a "Plan" -- basically a proposal of how to try to fix all of this and move forward. We are not obligated to accept their plan, but in the meantime, they get to do all of the legwork in trying to find a solution--find a better residential treatment, find what our options are financially, find different professionals to work with, etc. We may hear something early next week. It just feels good knowing that someone else is taking on the battle. They have more resources and more connections so hopefully they will get better results.
Oh, and DD? Well, she quit Color Guard because the "stretches were just too hard on her knees." The coach was not too happy that she quit, but she didn't care. Said she "blew out her knee." Then she found out they have a trip coming up and she wanted back in. Too late! The Counselor gave her an earful about how her decision to quit effected many people and that she needed to learn a lesson. The counselor has had quite enough of her, too, but her lecture had no effect on DD.
Then, DS, who gets out 15 minutes earlier than her at the High School, is instructed to walk the two blocks to her school and wait for her so she doesn't walk home alone. Well he waited 40 minutes, then called DH to say he was leaving. DH said fine. A few minutes later DD called DH and asked "Where are you?" He returned the question. She decided that she wanted to be the Lead Role in Les Miserable, so she went to the initial audition meeting. Didn't tell anyone. Didn't care if anyone was waiting on her - DS or DH. She has never been in a UIL play before, she has never memorized lines for even small classroom productions because it is too hard, but she wants the lead role. Just delusional. You have to have good grades and no behavioral problems for teachers to approve you to be in any role, as well. A challenge that she does not think will be a problem.
She is already in the red on a behavior contract we created to allow her to earn money to pay for her own expenses for choir - something else she joined when she quit band (because it was too hard). The choir director is extremely supportive of our contract and knows that if DD does not earn the money to pay for the formal dress and the materials that she will not remain in choir. DD knows this as well and has already made excuses and blamed us for her not making her bed and for her behaviors that cost her money. She is still just the victim and we the evil prison guards.
In the meantime, there are a couple of bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon waiting for me in my kitchen...
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