What does a divorce feel like?

I mean an amicable one, where both parties agree to go their separate ways? I imagine that while there is some relief, there is also a lot of pain and disappointment. I image that both parties had high hopes, dreams, and fantasies about spending the rest of their lives together--becoming a family. Both parties go into the relationship with love and happiness and I would guess that both leave with sadness, loss, and a sense of failure or frustration.

We are at the beginning of the end with DD, and I have such jumbled feelings about the reality of it all. The steps are in motion.

Tonight, at our family session, the therapist first met with us alone. She asked us what we thought about the group session on Saturday. We shared our feelings of devastation, or hopelessness, or sadness from the realization that this won't get better. That we are looking at years of therapy and conflict, without end.

She acted a bit surprised, but then said she made some phone calls today. She called Lutheran Services and recommended that they end this quickly and not make us jump through all the hoops--that it is too painful and destructive for us all, including DD. She recommended that they not pursue RTC and that if they do get her into an RTC that they start the dissolution proceedings while she is in a residential center. She recommended getting DD out of the house as soon as possible, before things get worse. She also recommended that any further therapy be with DD only with the purpose of preparing her for transition and trying to help her learn what role she played in all of this and what she might try to do differently next time. She does not want us to do family therapy anymore--trying to preserve the family--whether it is done through an RTC or through individual therapy. She said that some kids are just not adoptable and that DD may do very well in an institution setting where no one pressures her to bond. Where she has some stability and intensive therapy and guidance. She started the wheels in motion. Tomorrow there is a conference call between the therapist and the staff at Lutheran. She then wants me to call in on Monday to see what options there are and what decision Lutheran makes.

Much like the miscarriage last month, the primary feeling is relief, but there is also a deep pain and a sense of severe loss. A death, if you will. A death of a daughter I've never known, and never will.

The therapist then spoke to DD alone to prepare her for the upcoming events. DD emerged in tears--not for us, but for her school. She was mad. She is ready to leave us, but requested a foster home in our neighborhood. The truth is, it will not be easy for CPS to find a place for her, and they most likely will not grant her request. While I wish her no ill, I really prefer that she NOT be at the same school or in the same neighborhood. We live in a small suburb--too small. In a couple of years, she and DS will both be in High School. I selfishly do not want them in the same school, and I can't imagine running into her in the neighborhood, or local stores in the coming years. That would just be too hard. This will already be extremely difficult as it is. I know that she wants stability, and I completely understand that, but I don't think she has thought through what staying in this area would really mean for her either.

The therapist made it sound like she could be removed pretty quickly, but that the dissolution might take months. I guess I initially envisioned this happening after the holidays. It will be odd if she is gone before Christmas, but so much less complicated for so many people. I do, however, worry about my young nieces and nephew. I'm not sure how they will take this all in. I don't want to hurt them, or frighten them. I'm sure that for the rest of our lives that everyone we know, including them, will at one time or another describe us as the "couple who returned their adoptive daughter after two years." I know this, and I understand this. I would do the same.

When we first read DD's bio, during the adoption process and read that two families tried adopting her and each returned her after 6 to 8 weeks, we were mortified. "How do you return a kid?!?!? This is not a puppy that you take back to the pound! What kind of heartless people were they?" Now I know that they weren't heartless at all. They just saw the signs much clearer and were much more honest with themselves about the level of emotional disturbance this child has and honest about what they knew they could not handle. They did not listen to CPS or the well-meaning CASA worker who dismissed the frightening labels already adhered to DD. They saved themselves and DD from a long, drawn-out failure. They ended it quickly. They both also blind-sided DD--giving her no warning of thier intent to disrupt the adoption process. She came home to packed bags at the door, or was picked up at school by a CPS worker and taken to a foster home.

In wanting to be honest, and show her some respect, we are staying pretty open with her. We are not sure that she is mature enough to handle the truth, or that we are doing the right thing by keeping her informed, but I simply don't know any other way. There is no nice way to remove someone from your house--especially a child. This is all just so ugly.