Seeing what horrors exist for children, it also maddens me that because we cannot repair the years of damage done to the child in our home, we are now the bad guys. After years of abuse and neglect from her birth family and further years of neglect, cover-up, and instability from the state's custody, we are just the last one holding the bag and get to pay the price. If we try to return this child to the state and demand that THEY do something REAL to help this kid, we are then charged with criminal and civil child abandonment. These charges would definitely keep us from ever adopting again --- not something we are really considering anyway --- but could also hurt our careers and possibly our finances. Because we've given it an exhausting try for almost three years and now realize that we cannot help her, we get to be the criminals. She has never lived anywhere as long as she has lived with us. She has never attended the same school for more than one year, but has attended 5th - 7th grade here. She is settled in some ways, and she wants to hold on to that--to her school, her routine, but she has no desire to hold on to us. She would like to be placed in another home in the same neighborhood or sent to boarding school. She really does not understand the issue here. Her whole life has been high drama, incompatability, and getting into trouble. She cannot understand why we want change. Her personality disorders worked for her--they helped her survive. She cannot let them go and will not let them go. She does not want to change.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Today's Headlines
Just a quick look at CNN and the headlines jumped out at me. So much abuse taking place. So many damaged people in the world. It is all devastating and no one deserves such treatment, but once the damage is done, intensive treatment is mandatory. Simply removing the victim from the abuse, medicating them, and shipping them off to some well-meaning family is not a solution. This process only spreads the pain and the destruction.
Seeing what horrors exist for children, it also maddens me that because we cannot repair the years of damage done to the child in our home, we are now the bad guys. After years of abuse and neglect from her birth family and further years of neglect, cover-up, and instability from the state's custody, we are just the last one holding the bag and get to pay the price. If we try to return this child to the state and demand that THEY do something REAL to help this kid, we are then charged with criminal and civil child abandonment. These charges would definitely keep us from ever adopting again --- not something we are really considering anyway --- but could also hurt our careers and possibly our finances. Because we've given it an exhausting try for almost three years and now realize that we cannot help her, we get to be the criminals. She has never lived anywhere as long as she has lived with us. She has never attended the same school for more than one year, but has attended 5th - 7th grade here. She is settled in some ways, and she wants to hold on to that--to her school, her routine, but she has no desire to hold on to us. She would like to be placed in another home in the same neighborhood or sent to boarding school. She really does not understand the issue here. Her whole life has been high drama, incompatability, and getting into trouble. She cannot understand why we want change. Her personality disorders worked for her--they helped her survive. She cannot let them go and will not let them go. She does not want to change.
Seeing what horrors exist for children, it also maddens me that because we cannot repair the years of damage done to the child in our home, we are now the bad guys. After years of abuse and neglect from her birth family and further years of neglect, cover-up, and instability from the state's custody, we are just the last one holding the bag and get to pay the price. If we try to return this child to the state and demand that THEY do something REAL to help this kid, we are then charged with criminal and civil child abandonment. These charges would definitely keep us from ever adopting again --- not something we are really considering anyway --- but could also hurt our careers and possibly our finances. Because we've given it an exhausting try for almost three years and now realize that we cannot help her, we get to be the criminals. She has never lived anywhere as long as she has lived with us. She has never attended the same school for more than one year, but has attended 5th - 7th grade here. She is settled in some ways, and she wants to hold on to that--to her school, her routine, but she has no desire to hold on to us. She would like to be placed in another home in the same neighborhood or sent to boarding school. She really does not understand the issue here. Her whole life has been high drama, incompatability, and getting into trouble. She cannot understand why we want change. Her personality disorders worked for her--they helped her survive. She cannot let them go and will not let them go. She does not want to change.
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5 comments:
Wow, about your previous post -- I think one reason I relate just a little teensy bit to your situation is b/c J's Ex has a lot of the same personality characteristics. Every once in awhile it really makes our lives hell. But it's quite infrequent. If I had to *live* with her, and if I had to answer for her behavior? Terrifying.
As for this -- "She would like to be placed in another home in the same neighborhood" -- it shows how utterly and completely out of touch with reality DD is. And how hurtful to you -- the total rejection. I'm so sorry.
The headlines are really getting to me. So much pain and abuse. I thank God every day that my little girl is so well cared for, unconditionally loved, and all the healthier and happier for it.
That is so completely, and utterly wrong. It infuriates me every time you write it. I cannot fathom how you feel living it. I don't have any advise. (((hug)))
Knowing you, and following this story for these years, I know you have exhausted EVERY avenue available.
I just keep saying to myself, there must be SOMETHING Cynthia can do to release this child back, and yet there's not.
You should be writing a book. Seriously.
Cynthia, I agree with everything that Jooley Ann, Tigger, and ckphoto have said here. DD's hatred is terrifying, and I fear for you, Gio, and Tony. You've tried absolutely everything and nothing has worked. I desperately wish you had a strong advocate in this ordeal who would help you find a way to release her to another family or intensive treatment and not blame you for something you had no part in. I especially agree with Tigger that you MUST write a book when you can eke out time for it. It would help so many parents in the same boat. Your blog is gripping reading and would be even to people who never met you. In the meantime, I wish I had some kind of help or advice to offer, but it seems you've exhausted all the options. My heart goes out to you!
Lots of love,
Susan (Anacortes)
I cannot begin to understand how you all are dealing with this. I wish there was a solution that would work for year. I keep praying for a miracle.
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