Out of Nowhere

Trying to re-enact in my head what just went down at this week's session. Trying to figure out what it is that I must be saying to trigger knee-jerk reactions from therapists. Once again - feeling a little numb.

We didn't have a session last week, but the week before, in one of his bold, arrogant statements, TT said to us that we should never expect a reciprocal effort from DD to make things better--to love us or care about us. Said the best we could hope for might be one day when she is 25 and out of the house, that we might be sitting in our back yard, drinking some wine, and hear about a good decision that she made. And we might feel a little good about that. That's it! I started to tear up with the shock of that brutal honesty. He went on to say - "You picked her! If she were a dog you would have returned her by now!" He now denies saying that, or says he said "no reciprocal RIGHT NOW." My DH & I both know what we heard. Not the first time he recanted something he said.

So - combine the recent, new disorder identified, this statement from the specialist, and two weeks of disappointing behavior from DD. It all just started to feel like busywork to me. Seems like no matter what we do, or how hard we try,
this kid is never going to be a real part of our family. She may never even become a functioning adult in society. So, constantly trying to work with her, to accommodate her, to take care of her, to teach her, to train her, to get her therapy, etc, all feels like I am doing the same 20 Algebra problems over and over and not getting anywhere. I hate Algebra and I am not good at it.

So, I haven't been interacting with her lately. No desire. No energy. She changes persona as we walk into his office and looks all sad and sullen. He asks her what is up and she says that we haven't spoken in two weeks--like NOW it bugs her. He is confused and starts some rapid fire questions. I express my frustration and disappointment and he gets all defensive. Asks me what I want him to do. I said, "She needs intensive help. Once a week is not going to cut it and I cannot take off 5 days a week to be here." He asks "Why Not!?" Duh!! I have to work and can't risk my whole family for this. Next thing I know he is calling Lutheran Social Services trying to get her into the SAME residential treatment center we pulled her from, and he wants an open bed TONIGHT!

WTF??

No one went in with plans to do much of anything other than just endure it. It is a down week--that is all. But he gets all excited and keeps asking what happened. I explained multiple times that it is a combination of all the things I mentioned above but he keeps insisting that I am holding something back and need to tell him what happened? What? Then he got really pissy and said - "What makes you think there is nothing to be done?" I told him his blunt statement two weeks ago started a cascade effect. He then asked if I thought he would continue to treat DD if he really thought there wasn't any hope of helping her. I thought for a second and said "yes." He went nuts! Screaming about the money--which supposedly he doesn't make a penny for these sessions! [yeah - right!! all we talked about was money for the first couple of sessions. He wanted to bill my insurance instead of Medicaid because my insurance paid more--even at 50% because he is not in my insurance network.] He started machine gun blasting me with his rant and I calmly asked if I
could answer his questions and reminded him that I made no mention of money. It was a bit surreal.

Then he started talking long term, because we said we would not put her back in there. He yelled at me for not "liking" the solution!!! Said that she was only in the hospital part, not the long term part. I told him we were given a tour and we only saw one part. Said she would go there as long as possible and then the state would have to offer us "TCM" or something like that. Told him I didn't know what that was. Apparently there is another option that no one has mentioned before. It is where the state takes custody, but she remains "our" kid. They pay for her treatments and then put her in foster care again. What a friggin' mess!!! The state knows they are destroying families with these kids.

On a side note: I am so worried that Texas will dump those 400 cult kids in El Dorado out into the foster system in a year without ever transitioning them to society. They may turn out to be big sibling groups too! How many families will be destroyed trying to take in those kids who've been taught all their life that strangers want to hurt or kill them. They need to be de-programmed, but I'm sure they won't be. It will fall to many families to try to figure it out.

So - we said no to the Residential Treatment center. Said if we wanted to pursue that, that we would call them this summer, when school is out. It all happened so fast and it felt so out of control. If I understand correctly, we are not seeing him anymore either, but I am not sure. I think he was highly offended by me believing him that nothing could really be done. Means he can't do anything. I guess I was thinking he couldn't do anything to bond her to us, but he might be able to make her a little more successful as a human being.

I'm starting to think that therapists are an extremely sensitive, low-self-esteem bunch.

I don't even know what is next. DD cried through this whole exchange. I don't know why the therapists insist on having these conversations in front of her. When I asked her what she wanted she blurted out that she wanted to go to boarding school. Brilliant! He yelled at me for asking her what she wanted asking "What difference does it make what she wants?" Well, I was hoping to see some glimmer of wanting to stay with us. What a fool I am.

Once again, this joyless adventure blindsides me.