RAD making world news

http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20071219/wl_time/cananadoptedchildbereturned

So, I don’t know the details of this case, and I obviously don’t know any of the people involved, but if they are truly dealing with attachment disorder, I feel sorry for the family. What makes this case difficult is that they adopted when the little girl was four months old. At four months it is possible that the child is already affected by RAD, but at four months the therapy would not be as difficult to help the child attach—versus therapy for an older child. Unfortunately, if the family is unaware of the disorder, it would be difficult to deliver the right types of treatment.

Having considered the option of dissolving our adoption of a RADish, I know that this decision is not made lightly. Even thinking about it causes great stress and discomfort, but then the first time you articulate that thought to anyone, you know that you have crossed over to a new phase of possibility—a very frightening and disappointing phase.

No one goes into an adoption thinking that one day you may choose to relinquish that child back into the system—it would never cross your mind. Choosing to adopt is not a light decision either. Usually you consider it for months or even years before you ever make the first phone call. Then there are orientation meetings, lots of forms to fill out, interviews, studies, training, and one of the deepest invasions into your personal life you may ever experience. At any stage of this process, you can back out if you don’t think adoption is the path for you. Even going through Foster-Adoption, where during the PRIDE training, the worst-case scenario is played out for you to some extent, you may still decide that you want to do this. Even when the little-known statistic that 90-95% of the kids in Foster Care have been sexually abused is revealed, you may still chose to fight for this kid and try to do right by this child. You have the hope that you can make a difference—that you can parent this child, and you commit to this unknown person long before you ever have a name or a face to connect to this person.

Making the decision to dissolve an adoption attacks that commitment; attacks your efforts, your hopes and dreams for the child and your entire family. Dissolving is an admission of failure—something not easily swallowed or ever invited. The process of dissolving varies across the globe, but it is never an easy process—and rightfully so. So, for someone to make the decision to go forward with plans to dissolve, their lives must already be a living hell; a hell that relates to that child.

The child is not at fault, some adult failed this child to cause this condition, so of course, everyone empathizes with the kid seeming to be discarded again as unwanted. There is nothing pretty about it. There are no winners in dissolution, but sometimes the long term effect can be better for all. The family can start to heal and recover and try to find peace again in their lives and the kid can try a new situation that may not put so many demands for attachment on him or her. While it appears that the kid is being “left behind” or “taken away” from the only family they’ve ever known, the reality is that if there is no attachment, the kid may not feel that way at all. The kid may feel some relief from the pressure to deliver an attachment that they are incapable of providing. The kid may miss their lifestyle or their possessions more than anything.

Again, this case is difficult because she was so young when adopted—they could have built a bond with the infant. But if the family never got the information they needed—never got any diagnosis of the potential disorder—then they were handicapped from the beginning. The article mentions that they tried intense therapy, but being in the throws of that therapy now, I can see that the treatments can be exhausting with only a minute trace of possible change. Having such public exposure (through the father’s career) to such a personal trauma cannot make the process any easier—which leads me to believe that this family may be desperate for change. Sounds like they have the means to still take care of her through other resources without having to interact too much with her—through nannies and other caregivers—so to save face they could have chosen to keep her, and keep this all quiet, but the situation pushed them to risk all just to find peace again.

At this point, we are no longer considering dissolution—we are working very hard to salvage our relationship with DD, but we know first-hand how difficult a journey this is, with only two years under our belt. This Dutch family has eight years of this experience. I sincerely hope that they tried everything and that the family and the girl all find peace and happiness in their lives. I hope that those who judge this family without fully understanding the situation learn more about the circumstances and the challenges. Most of all, I sincerely hope that this family is not misleading the public, using attachment disorder as an excuse to relinquish their obligations to this girl when there is really something else going on. They would do a horrible disservice to anyone associated with adoption or anyone working through attachment disorder.