Breakthrough?

We all sat on the couch, facing TT. DH on one end, me on the other, and DD in the middle. He asked her how she was doing. She said she was tired. He asked her how she knew she was tired. She said she was sleepy. He asked her how she knew she was sleepy; what did that feel like? She said she was yawning and her eyes were heavy. He asked what that felt like. She couldn't quite describe it. There was some awkward silence while she squirmed and picked at her cuticles, and she finally said, "I don't know." He then said, "so is that an excuse to not participate tonight?" "No! No!" she exclaimed. This is how the session began.

He then asked how her week was and she answered that it was a fun weekend. He asked her to explain, and as she did, he kept interrupting her to ask clarifying questions, then would take her back a step in the story and make her repeat herself, and explain every detail, all the while he commented on her physical behavior. "You are getting very tense. Do you notice that?" No. "Slow down, breathe. Do you feel how anxious you get and how fast you are talking? I need you to breathe. Go ahead and breathe. I can't hear it. Take a deep breathe. Oh look. There's that face. Wow, we made it 24 minutes before I saw that face. That 'I want to kill you face.' What does that mean?" He called her on everything.

Then she made a gesture with her hands while telling a story and he stopped her and made her repeat the gesture. Asked her to move her hands in that same motion very slowly. While she was starting to do that, he kept talking and she dropped her hands. He pointed out that she quit - to put her hands back up. She did and he started talking, she again dropped her hands. He said, "Wow, you quit on me again. You are so quick to give up. Are you willing to try again?" This went on over and over again for about 10 minutes until she really threw him a look, which he constantly pointed out to her. He asked her how she kept this look from other people because this was a really big part of her. He pointed out how many times she quit and how easy it was for her to quit. Then he said the word "hopeless" came to mind. That she always quit because she thought it was all hopeless, so why try. Why try to get along? Why try to love and be loved? Why try to succeed. Said she needed to stop quitting and needed to try.

We sat there silently watching this all through the corners of our eyes. Occasionally, when she got uncomfortable, she looked to her left, towards DH, like looking for help. Eventually TT pointed out that she kept looking to him, but that in 45 minutes she had not looked at me once. He asked why? Wanted to know what was going on. She gave her usual "nothing" response. He then turned to me and asked if I was willing to participate. I said yes.

He had DH leave the couch and sit in a big chair facing us. He had DD stand up, then had me move to the far end of the couch. He told DD to sit to the right of me. Then told her to put her feet up on the couch and put her head in my lap. This was extremely difficult for her to grasp for some reason, so TT, a very large man, stood up, scooped up DD and placed her whole upper torso across my lap. He grabbed DD's right hand and put her arm under mine and around my waist, behind my back. I basically cradled her in my arms. He grabbed DD's left arm and placed her hand on my right shoulder.

He told DD to look in my eyes and tell him what she saw. She looked at me for a second and said "frustration" then looked away. Then dropped her hand from my shoulder. He put her hand back on my shoulder and told her to continue looking into my eyes. She did for a second, laughed nervously, and looked away again. He told her to keep looking into my eyes. She really couldn't do it for more than a few seconds.

He then told her to touch my face. I started to get emotional and tear up. She put her closed left hand on my right cheek. He pointed out that she had a fist on my face, and that she was fighting me. She denied it. He told her to open her hand and touch my face, then he noticed my tears. He said, "Whoa! That doesn't look like frustration to me. What do you see now?" She said sadness, and dropped her hand from my face. He said, "Wow. You are quitting again. You keep quitting your mom. This is not your roommate or your caregiver, this is your mom. She is not quitting you, but you keep quitting her. Touch her face without me placing your hand on her face, and look her in the eyes." She did it, but quickly looked away again, trying to laugh it off. He kept redirecting her. She finally lasted about 15 seconds. Then he told her to keep her eyes open, but to touch my whole face as if she were blind. To explore my face. She just couldn't do it. She never did.

He commented on how freaky it was that we looked so much alike. She immediately said, "You should see me and my brother." He said, "wow! you rejected her again. I told you you look like your mom and you immediately take that focus away and talk about your brother. Like - no way do I look like her." You can't look at her. You can't touch her. You can't even believe that you look like her so you keep quitting her."

He made her touch my face again and really stare into my eyes. She looked at me, smiled, squirmed, arched her back, shifted her hips, and he pointed it all out. All her physical reactions to touch, to closeness, to love. Her physical discomfort--her rejection to this closeness. He asked, "Does this feel strange? Are you uncomfortable?" She giggled and bobbed her head shoulder to shoulder like a "sort of" kind of answer. He pointed out how much her body revealed her discomfort then asked if she knew why she was so uncomfortable. She said she didn't know. He paused for a minute.

"Because this is the only mother who's ever held you like this."

She nodded in agreement. She had no other reaction. I was choking from the flood of tears I was holding back. He asked her is she wanted me to be her mom and she shook her head yes. Then he asked her if she wanted to be my daughter, and again she shook her head yes. He then told us to hug. I pulled her close and rocked her a bit while I rubbed her back. We have never hugged like that. Never. She always puts her head down so there is great distance between her body and yours--she tucks the top of her head into your chest. She let go way before I did. He then told her to go wait in the lobby.

He handed me some tissues and asked if we had any questions. He then said he talked to his associate and explained that she misunderstood him completely. He never planned to call CPS--he offered that as a way out for us if this was too hard. This is what my DH thought he meant, but his associate was adamant that he meant to call because of the neglect of this child. He heard us yelling in her office yesterday. He denied everything she told us. He totally threw her under the bus. I told him that we would never see her again. He said we didn't have to. I told him that I came tonight to fire him. He said, "you still can fire me." I told him no, that I liked what I saw, and I think it will have an impact but that yesterday I felt totally attacked and threatened by him and his associate.

We talked it all out, and as he was leading us out of his office towards the lobby, he said, "And if you do want to fire me, just do it over the phone, don't come say it to my face, that would just hurt too much." Told him "Sorry, you will know if I am going to fire you. I just don't know how else to be, but honest, so I would probably tell you to your face." We laughed about it, but I am serious.

I am totally emotionally drained. My eyes are glassy and puffy and my nose is all red and I have a headache. I am once again cautiously hopeful that this guy might make a difference. He said she will need years of therapy, probably all the way through High School. I said that is OK, as long as there is progress, growth, learning. I just cannot face years of therapy with no change. I again said I need a Helen Keller/Miracle Worker water pump moment. She doesn't have to know sign language fluently, she just needs to understand that it exists. She doesn't have to be fluent in "human" she just has to know we exist and she has impact on us outside of her busy head.

We also have an appointment with a neuropsychologist on the 13th--just DH & I for the initial assessment. Then we will see if insurance approves testing and maybe later, therapy. I'm not putting all my eggs in TT's basket just yet.