Seeing what horrors exist for children, it also maddens me that because we cannot repair the years of damage done to the child in our home, we are now the bad guys. After years of abuse and neglect from her birth family and further years of neglect, cover-up, and instability from the state's custody, we are just the last one holding the bag and get to pay the price. If we try to return this child to the state and demand that THEY do something REAL to help this kid, we are then charged with criminal and civil child abandonment. These charges would definitely keep us from ever adopting again --- not something we are really considering anyway --- but could also hurt our careers and possibly our finances. Because we've given it an exhausting try for almost three years and now realize that we cannot help her, we get to be the criminals. She has never lived anywhere as long as she has lived with us. She has never attended the same school for more than one year, but has attended 5th - 7th grade here. She is settled in some ways, and she wants to hold on to that--to her school, her routine, but she has no desire to hold on to us. She would like to be placed in another home in the same neighborhood or sent to boarding school. She really does not understand the issue here. Her whole life has been high drama, incompatability, and getting into trouble. She cannot understand why we want change. Her personality disorders worked for her--they helped her survive. She cannot let them go and will not let them go. She does not want to change.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Today's Headlines
Just a quick look at CNN and the headlines jumped out at me. So much abuse taking place. So many damaged people in the world. It is all devastating and no one deserves such treatment, but once the damage is done, intensive treatment is mandatory. Simply removing the victim from the abuse, medicating them, and shipping them off to some well-meaning family is not a solution. This process only spreads the pain and the destruction.
Seeing what horrors exist for children, it also maddens me that because we cannot repair the years of damage done to the child in our home, we are now the bad guys. After years of abuse and neglect from her birth family and further years of neglect, cover-up, and instability from the state's custody, we are just the last one holding the bag and get to pay the price. If we try to return this child to the state and demand that THEY do something REAL to help this kid, we are then charged with criminal and civil child abandonment. These charges would definitely keep us from ever adopting again --- not something we are really considering anyway --- but could also hurt our careers and possibly our finances. Because we've given it an exhausting try for almost three years and now realize that we cannot help her, we get to be the criminals. She has never lived anywhere as long as she has lived with us. She has never attended the same school for more than one year, but has attended 5th - 7th grade here. She is settled in some ways, and she wants to hold on to that--to her school, her routine, but she has no desire to hold on to us. She would like to be placed in another home in the same neighborhood or sent to boarding school. She really does not understand the issue here. Her whole life has been high drama, incompatability, and getting into trouble. She cannot understand why we want change. Her personality disorders worked for her--they helped her survive. She cannot let them go and will not let them go. She does not want to change.
Seeing what horrors exist for children, it also maddens me that because we cannot repair the years of damage done to the child in our home, we are now the bad guys. After years of abuse and neglect from her birth family and further years of neglect, cover-up, and instability from the state's custody, we are just the last one holding the bag and get to pay the price. If we try to return this child to the state and demand that THEY do something REAL to help this kid, we are then charged with criminal and civil child abandonment. These charges would definitely keep us from ever adopting again --- not something we are really considering anyway --- but could also hurt our careers and possibly our finances. Because we've given it an exhausting try for almost three years and now realize that we cannot help her, we get to be the criminals. She has never lived anywhere as long as she has lived with us. She has never attended the same school for more than one year, but has attended 5th - 7th grade here. She is settled in some ways, and she wants to hold on to that--to her school, her routine, but she has no desire to hold on to us. She would like to be placed in another home in the same neighborhood or sent to boarding school. She really does not understand the issue here. Her whole life has been high drama, incompatability, and getting into trouble. She cannot understand why we want change. Her personality disorders worked for her--they helped her survive. She cannot let them go and will not let them go. She does not want to change.
Monday, April 28, 2008
In my home
Think of someone in your past that you have had a conflict with--someone who you think or know hates you. Someone you've never been compatible with. There must be someone--an old neighbor, someone you fired, a co-worker you never clicked with, an ex. Think about that feeling--hate.
Then give that person who hates you the characteristics of no conscience, no remorse, no comprehension or concern for consequences. Make that someone have grandiose fantasies of self-worth and entitlement.
Now put yourself in a position to police that person, for their own protection and your own, causing that person to have stronger feelings of hate and resentment for you.
Now place that person in your home, at night, while you sleep.
___________________________________________________________
Think you will sleep soundly? Think you will be in a healthy state of mind and body?
___________________________________________________________
Now have others call you about this person's behavior outside of the home--wanting you to fix it, or at least hear them vent about it. You now have to answer to this person's problems in other social settings. You are considered part of the problem as you "raised" this person in your home--or so they think.
Then think of people in your immediate circle being affected by this person. Think of your family, your extended family, your neighbors, your community all looking at you to control this person who hates you.
Then turn to the party who placed this person in your home, and ask for their help. Listen to them while they tell you that if you try to get this person out of your house, your options are:
Then give that person who hates you the characteristics of no conscience, no remorse, no comprehension or concern for consequences. Make that someone have grandiose fantasies of self-worth and entitlement.
Now put yourself in a position to police that person, for their own protection and your own, causing that person to have stronger feelings of hate and resentment for you.
Now place that person in your home, at night, while you sleep.
___________________________________________________________
Think you will sleep soundly? Think you will be in a healthy state of mind and body?
___________________________________________________________
Now have others call you about this person's behavior outside of the home--wanting you to fix it, or at least hear them vent about it. You now have to answer to this person's problems in other social settings. You are considered part of the problem as you "raised" this person in your home--or so they think.
Then think of people in your immediate circle being affected by this person. Think of your family, your extended family, your neighbors, your community all looking at you to control this person who hates you.
Then turn to the party who placed this person in your home, and ask for their help. Listen to them while they tell you that if you try to get this person out of your house, your options are:
- To be charged with criminal and civil abandonment and pay huge legal fee and possible punitive fines
- To deal with the system involved in your life and be mandated to visit this person as determined by this party or else fall out of compliance with the deal and get this person back in your home.
________________________________________________________
Getting Hives yet? Losing sleep yet? Blood pressure rising? Fearing for your safety? For your families' safety?
________________________________________________________
Then deal with the bizarre guilt and disappointment in not being able manage this person in your home; for not being able to protect the rest of your family; for not being able to live a peaceful, loving life to the best of your ability.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Out of Nowhere
Trying to re-enact in my head what just went down at this week's session. Trying to figure out what it is that I must be saying to trigger knee-jerk reactions from therapists. Once again - feeling a little numb.
We didn't have a session last week, but the week before, in one of his bold, arrogant statements, TT said to us that we should never expect a reciprocal effort from DD to make things better--to love us or care about us. Said the best we could hope for might be one day when she is 25 and out of the house, that we might be sitting in our back yard, drinking some wine, and hear about a good decision that she made. And we might feel a little good about that. That's it! I started to tear up with the shock of that brutal honesty. He went on to say - "You picked her! If she were a dog you would have returned her by now!" He now denies saying that, or says he said "no reciprocal RIGHT NOW." My DH & I both know what we heard. Not the first time he recanted something he said.
So - combine the recent, new disorder identified, this statement from the specialist, and two weeks of disappointing behavior from DD. It all just started to feel like busywork to me. Seems like no matter what we do, or how hard we try,
this kid is never going to be a real part of our family. She may never even become a functioning adult in society. So, constantly trying to work with her, to accommodate her, to take care of her, to teach her, to train her, to get her therapy, etc, all feels like I am doing the same 20 Algebra problems over and over and not getting anywhere. I hate Algebra and I am not good at it.
So, I haven't been interacting with her lately. No desire. No energy. She changes persona as we walk into his office and looks all sad and sullen. He asks her what is up and she says that we haven't spoken in two weeks--like NOW it bugs her. He is confused and starts some rapid fire questions. I express my frustration and disappointment and he gets all defensive. Asks me what I want him to do. I said, "She needs intensive help. Once a week is not going to cut it and I cannot take off 5 days a week to be here." He asks "Why Not!?" Duh!! I have to work and can't risk my whole family for this. Next thing I know he is calling Lutheran Social Services trying to get her into the SAME residential treatment center we pulled her from, and he wants an open bed TONIGHT!
WTF??
No one went in with plans to do much of anything other than just endure it. It is a down week--that is all. But he gets all excited and keeps asking what happened. I explained multiple times that it is a combination of all the things I mentioned above but he keeps insisting that I am holding something back and need to tell him what happened? What? Then he got really pissy and said - "What makes you think there is nothing to be done?" I told him his blunt statement two weeks ago started a cascade effect. He then asked if I thought he would continue to treat DD if he really thought there wasn't any hope of helping her. I thought for a second and said "yes." He went nuts! Screaming about the money--which supposedly he doesn't make a penny for these sessions! [yeah - right!! all we talked about was money for the first couple of sessions. He wanted to bill my insurance instead of Medicaid because my insurance paid more--even at 50% because he is not in my insurance network.] He started machine gun blasting me with his rant and I calmly asked if I
could answer his questions and reminded him that I made no mention of money. It was a bit surreal.
Then he started talking long term, because we said we would not put her back in there. He yelled at me for not "liking" the solution!!! Said that she was only in the hospital part, not the long term part. I told him we were given a tour and we only saw one part. Said she would go there as long as possible and then the state would have to offer us "TCM" or something like that. Told him I didn't know what that was. Apparently there is another option that no one has mentioned before. It is where the state takes custody, but she remains "our" kid. They pay for her treatments and then put her in foster care again. What a friggin' mess!!! The state knows they are destroying families with these kids.
On a side note: I am so worried that Texas will dump those 400 cult kids in El Dorado out into the foster system in a year without ever transitioning them to society. They may turn out to be big sibling groups too! How many families will be destroyed trying to take in those kids who've been taught all their life that strangers want to hurt or kill them. They need to be de-programmed, but I'm sure they won't be. It will fall to many families to try to figure it out.
So - we said no to the Residential Treatment center. Said if we wanted to pursue that, that we would call them this summer, when school is out. It all happened so fast and it felt so out of control. If I understand correctly, we are not seeing him anymore either, but I am not sure. I think he was highly offended by me believing him that nothing could really be done. Means he can't do anything. I guess I was thinking he couldn't do anything to bond her to us, but he might be able to make her a little more successful as a human being.
I'm starting to think that therapists are an extremely sensitive, low-self-esteem bunch.
I don't even know what is next. DD cried through this whole exchange. I don't know why the therapists insist on having these conversations in front of her. When I asked her what she wanted she blurted out that she wanted to go to boarding school. Brilliant! He yelled at me for asking her what she wanted asking "What difference does it make what she wants?" Well, I was hoping to see some glimmer of wanting to stay with us. What a fool I am.
Once again, this joyless adventure blindsides me.
We didn't have a session last week, but the week before, in one of his bold, arrogant statements, TT said to us that we should never expect a reciprocal effort from DD to make things better--to love us or care about us. Said the best we could hope for might be one day when she is 25 and out of the house, that we might be sitting in our back yard, drinking some wine, and hear about a good decision that she made. And we might feel a little good about that. That's it! I started to tear up with the shock of that brutal honesty. He went on to say - "You picked her! If she were a dog you would have returned her by now!" He now denies saying that, or says he said "no reciprocal RIGHT NOW." My DH & I both know what we heard. Not the first time he recanted something he said.
So - combine the recent, new disorder identified, this statement from the specialist, and two weeks of disappointing behavior from DD. It all just started to feel like busywork to me. Seems like no matter what we do, or how hard we try,
this kid is never going to be a real part of our family. She may never even become a functioning adult in society. So, constantly trying to work with her, to accommodate her, to take care of her, to teach her, to train her, to get her therapy, etc, all feels like I am doing the same 20 Algebra problems over and over and not getting anywhere. I hate Algebra and I am not good at it.
So, I haven't been interacting with her lately. No desire. No energy. She changes persona as we walk into his office and looks all sad and sullen. He asks her what is up and she says that we haven't spoken in two weeks--like NOW it bugs her. He is confused and starts some rapid fire questions. I express my frustration and disappointment and he gets all defensive. Asks me what I want him to do. I said, "She needs intensive help. Once a week is not going to cut it and I cannot take off 5 days a week to be here." He asks "Why Not!?" Duh!! I have to work and can't risk my whole family for this. Next thing I know he is calling Lutheran Social Services trying to get her into the SAME residential treatment center we pulled her from, and he wants an open bed TONIGHT!
WTF??
No one went in with plans to do much of anything other than just endure it. It is a down week--that is all. But he gets all excited and keeps asking what happened. I explained multiple times that it is a combination of all the things I mentioned above but he keeps insisting that I am holding something back and need to tell him what happened? What? Then he got really pissy and said - "What makes you think there is nothing to be done?" I told him his blunt statement two weeks ago started a cascade effect. He then asked if I thought he would continue to treat DD if he really thought there wasn't any hope of helping her. I thought for a second and said "yes." He went nuts! Screaming about the money--which supposedly he doesn't make a penny for these sessions! [yeah - right!! all we talked about was money for the first couple of sessions. He wanted to bill my insurance instead of Medicaid because my insurance paid more--even at 50% because he is not in my insurance network.] He started machine gun blasting me with his rant and I calmly asked if I
could answer his questions and reminded him that I made no mention of money. It was a bit surreal.
Then he started talking long term, because we said we would not put her back in there. He yelled at me for not "liking" the solution!!! Said that she was only in the hospital part, not the long term part. I told him we were given a tour and we only saw one part. Said she would go there as long as possible and then the state would have to offer us "TCM" or something like that. Told him I didn't know what that was. Apparently there is another option that no one has mentioned before. It is where the state takes custody, but she remains "our" kid. They pay for her treatments and then put her in foster care again. What a friggin' mess!!! The state knows they are destroying families with these kids.
On a side note: I am so worried that Texas will dump those 400 cult kids in El Dorado out into the foster system in a year without ever transitioning them to society. They may turn out to be big sibling groups too! How many families will be destroyed trying to take in those kids who've been taught all their life that strangers want to hurt or kill them. They need to be de-programmed, but I'm sure they won't be. It will fall to many families to try to figure it out.
So - we said no to the Residential Treatment center. Said if we wanted to pursue that, that we would call them this summer, when school is out. It all happened so fast and it felt so out of control. If I understand correctly, we are not seeing him anymore either, but I am not sure. I think he was highly offended by me believing him that nothing could really be done. Means he can't do anything. I guess I was thinking he couldn't do anything to bond her to us, but he might be able to make her a little more successful as a human being.
I'm starting to think that therapists are an extremely sensitive, low-self-esteem bunch.
I don't even know what is next. DD cried through this whole exchange. I don't know why the therapists insist on having these conversations in front of her. When I asked her what she wanted she blurted out that she wanted to go to boarding school. Brilliant! He yelled at me for asking her what she wanted asking "What difference does it make what she wants?" Well, I was hoping to see some glimmer of wanting to stay with us. What a fool I am.
Once again, this joyless adventure blindsides me.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
A New label
"A personality disorder is a pattern of deviant or abnormal behavior that the person doesn't change even though it causes emotional upsets and trouble with other people at work and in personal relationships. It is not limited to episodes of mental illness, and it is not caused by drug or alcohol use, head injury, or illness. There are about a dozen different behavior patterns classified as personality disorders by DSM-IV. All the personality disorders show up as deviations from normal in one or more of the following:(1) cognition -- i.e., perception, thinking, and interpretation of oneself, other people, and events;(2) affectivity -- i.e., emotional responses (range, intensity, lability, appropriateness);(3) interpersonal functions;(4) impulsivity."
"Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
While grandiosity is the diagnostic hallmark of pathological narcissism, there is research evidence that pathological narcissism occurs in two forms, (a) a grandiose state of mind in young adults that can be corrected by life experiences, and (b) the stable disorder described in DSM-IV, which is defined less by grandiosity than by severely disturbed interpersonal relations.
If NPD is caused by infantile damage and consequent developmental short-circuits, it probably represents an irremediable condition. On the other hand, if narcissism is a behavior pattern that's learned, then there is some hope, however tenuous, that it's a behavior pattern that can be unlearned.
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy. The disorder begins by early adulthood and is indicated by at least five of the following:
"Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
While grandiosity is the diagnostic hallmark of pathological narcissism, there is research evidence that pathological narcissism occurs in two forms, (a) a grandiose state of mind in young adults that can be corrected by life experiences, and (b) the stable disorder described in DSM-IV, which is defined less by grandiosity than by severely disturbed interpersonal relations.
If NPD is caused by infantile damage and consequent developmental short-circuits, it probably represents an irremediable condition. On the other hand, if narcissism is a behavior pattern that's learned, then there is some hope, however tenuous, that it's a behavior pattern that can be unlearned.
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy. The disorder begins by early adulthood and is indicated by at least five of the following:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement
- Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends
- Lacks empathy
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
- Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes"
I believe she has seven of the nine descriptors. This added with her new fascination with writing p0rnn0graffic (altered spelling to avoid spam and freaks) "dreams" and sharing them with classmates makes any progress seem false and our efforts useless. Just a little more disappointment. Checked out a therapeutic camp in Utah that has RAD kids work with horses and requires a one year stay. Appears that only the states of California and Alaska understand that this kind of long-term retraining is critical. Texas Medicaid will not cover it. This place is not on my insurance provider list, but even if they were, my insurance (most insurance companies) will not pay for more than 30-60 days without MEDICAL reason. So, once again if feels like this is a constant, but useless battle.
For more information on this disorder, see http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html
Friday, February 22, 2008
Adjusting the Atlas
Several interesting sessions lately and definite improvement noticed.
Two weeks ago, TT had DD get up on the table again. This time he had his hands just under her rib cage, looking for her kidneys. He explained that when you are in a constant state of fear -- a fight or flight animalistic survival mode -- your organs tuck up under your ribcage preparing to run or protect the organs in either situation. He could hardly find her kidneys, they were so high.
Through some feedback and getting her to focus on her breathing and calm down and relax, the right kidney eventually dropped, so he moved to the other side of the table. Fortunately, that kidney relaxed as well. And you can see the physical difference. When she first lays on the table (like a massage table) she is very stiff and nervous, and after relaxing her feet fall sideways, her arms sink into the thin mattress, and her spine gives way and touches the mattress.
Since this was successful, he started to hold her neck again, putting some fingertip pressure on her atlas, the highest vertebra in the spine. She never likes this and tenses up again. He explains that this part of her neck, where her spine connects with her brain is very stiff and hard, and should be soft. He always tries to get that part to relax as this is what supposedly keeps her in fight or flight mode. She started to wince and sit up complaining that it hurts. He kept telling her to relax and to lay back, but she could not. He then reached his free arm out and told her to squeeze his arm and try to hurt him (trying to distract her from her discomfort) but she would not, she just became more adamant about her pain. He asked DH to stand closer and for DH to try to squeeze his arm as hard as he could. This didn't distract her at all, but it did distract DH and I, and with this chaos eventually came a quick scream and instant tears. He hurt her.
He immediately started to comfort her and whisper to her that this was good. That he adjusted her atlas and things would get better now. He said "It isn't easy being normal, is it? It is easier to be the crazy girl that nobody deals with, isn't it? You did great! This is great!" as she covered her face with her hands and sobbed. She then complained of a terrible headache. He said this was normal.
I started to get choked up--I don't ever want to see ANYONE in pain--especially a kid--even if that kid has put me through hell. I grabbed my purse for some ibuprofen, then grabbed some tissues. She laid there for another 5-10 minutes while he tried to comfort her.
When we got home, I researched what it was he just did. It looks like it is an old-school chiropractic method, and while he is not a licensed chiropractor, it seems to have made some difference. He immediately said the atlas area softened. I wish I would have felt the before and after to know what he was talking about. the effect is not permanent though, so this may require multiple attempts.
Then this week, he spent the whole hour explaining the therapy plan to all of us. He said that DD is ready to move to the next phase, which will be a lot less talk and a lot more physical. He drew a fabulous diagram for us that I will try to recreate and post later. It all made sense.
In the meantime, DD has not only started to tell the truth, she tells us that she was about to tell us a lie, then thought about it, and told the truth anyway. This is FRIGGIN' HUGE!!! We make a big, positive deal about these truths, even if they are ugly truths.
Also, we went to a family event last weekend, and had no drama!! We are not sure if this was progress, or because none of the boys were there (it was a girly wedding shower). The wedding is in early April, so it will be interesting to see if we see the improvement then.
Anyway - so much more hope now on the DD scene.
Now if I could get my psycho step-mom to play nice, life might just be peaceful. I won't hold my breath!
Two weeks ago, TT had DD get up on the table again. This time he had his hands just under her rib cage, looking for her kidneys. He explained that when you are in a constant state of fear -- a fight or flight animalistic survival mode -- your organs tuck up under your ribcage preparing to run or protect the organs in either situation. He could hardly find her kidneys, they were so high.
Through some feedback and getting her to focus on her breathing and calm down and relax, the right kidney eventually dropped, so he moved to the other side of the table. Fortunately, that kidney relaxed as well. And you can see the physical difference. When she first lays on the table (like a massage table) she is very stiff and nervous, and after relaxing her feet fall sideways, her arms sink into the thin mattress, and her spine gives way and touches the mattress.
Since this was successful, he started to hold her neck again, putting some fingertip pressure on her atlas, the highest vertebra in the spine. She never likes this and tenses up again. He explains that this part of her neck, where her spine connects with her brain is very stiff and hard, and should be soft. He always tries to get that part to relax as this is what supposedly keeps her in fight or flight mode. She started to wince and sit up complaining that it hurts. He kept telling her to relax and to lay back, but she could not. He then reached his free arm out and told her to squeeze his arm and try to hurt him (trying to distract her from her discomfort) but she would not, she just became more adamant about her pain. He asked DH to stand closer and for DH to try to squeeze his arm as hard as he could. This didn't distract her at all, but it did distract DH and I, and with this chaos eventually came a quick scream and instant tears. He hurt her.
He immediately started to comfort her and whisper to her that this was good. That he adjusted her atlas and things would get better now. He said "It isn't easy being normal, is it? It is easier to be the crazy girl that nobody deals with, isn't it? You did great! This is great!" as she covered her face with her hands and sobbed. She then complained of a terrible headache. He said this was normal.
I started to get choked up--I don't ever want to see ANYONE in pain--especially a kid--even if that kid has put me through hell. I grabbed my purse for some ibuprofen, then grabbed some tissues. She laid there for another 5-10 minutes while he tried to comfort her.
When we got home, I researched what it was he just did. It looks like it is an old-school chiropractic method, and while he is not a licensed chiropractor, it seems to have made some difference. He immediately said the atlas area softened. I wish I would have felt the before and after to know what he was talking about. the effect is not permanent though, so this may require multiple attempts.
Then this week, he spent the whole hour explaining the therapy plan to all of us. He said that DD is ready to move to the next phase, which will be a lot less talk and a lot more physical. He drew a fabulous diagram for us that I will try to recreate and post later. It all made sense.
In the meantime, DD has not only started to tell the truth, she tells us that she was about to tell us a lie, then thought about it, and told the truth anyway. This is FRIGGIN' HUGE!!! We make a big, positive deal about these truths, even if they are ugly truths.
Also, we went to a family event last weekend, and had no drama!! We are not sure if this was progress, or because none of the boys were there (it was a girly wedding shower). The wedding is in early April, so it will be interesting to see if we see the improvement then.
Anyway - so much more hope now on the DD scene.
Now if I could get my psycho step-mom to play nice, life might just be peaceful. I won't hold my breath!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Slowing the Mind
So, our therapy session yesterday seemed light--almost useless at the time, but it was not.
TT used Somatic Experience treatment yesterday, which basically entailed DD laying on a table/bed while TT laid his hands under her shoulders and gave her some verbal feedback about twitches and twinges in her body. This is supposedly past trauma meeting "road blocks" in her body. Pretty soon, she became attuned to the twitches as well and they would announce the latest twitch in unison. She slowed her mind and focused on her body and what it was doing without her even knowing. At the end of the hour she was very relaxed and able to think and speak a little more thoughtfully--not quite so hyper and spastic. He was able to quiet her mind a bit and allow her to make more mature decisions in this moment.
OK - so an hour of watching her lay on a table didn't seem like much. We were starting to doze off ourselves, but the effects lasted into the evening. She was able to explain herself, her actions, and her thoughts with a little more ease and we were able to follow along a little better. Homework went a little smoother. The best example--at almost 9:00 PM - bedtime--she came downstairs, grabbed the vacuum and headed back upstairs. Expecting some bizarre, circular, explanation I cautiously asked her what she was doing. Of course her first response was, "I'm going to vacuum my room." So I had to ask the clarifying question of "Why" are you vacuuming at 9:00 PM. She actually told the truth. She stated that she somehow broke her blush (make-up) and that is somehow got all over the place.
Knowing that she destroyed the carpet in her room a long time ago there was no sense of urgency to get it cleaned or to wonder how bad it really was, there was just the opportunity to thank her for her honesty and let her go on her merry way. Which I did. And she did.
May not seem like much, but it showed that she finally felt safe enough to tell me the truth and because of her truth there was no escalation and the night ended peacefully. Hopefully we can continue this trend and hopefully slowing her mind more will allow her to make more good decisions when it comes to telling us the truth.
Small victory with a big impact. :) Oh - and she got all of the blush up from the carpet, too!
TT used Somatic Experience treatment yesterday, which basically entailed DD laying on a table/bed while TT laid his hands under her shoulders and gave her some verbal feedback about twitches and twinges in her body. This is supposedly past trauma meeting "road blocks" in her body. Pretty soon, she became attuned to the twitches as well and they would announce the latest twitch in unison. She slowed her mind and focused on her body and what it was doing without her even knowing. At the end of the hour she was very relaxed and able to think and speak a little more thoughtfully--not quite so hyper and spastic. He was able to quiet her mind a bit and allow her to make more mature decisions in this moment.
OK - so an hour of watching her lay on a table didn't seem like much. We were starting to doze off ourselves, but the effects lasted into the evening. She was able to explain herself, her actions, and her thoughts with a little more ease and we were able to follow along a little better. Homework went a little smoother. The best example--at almost 9:00 PM - bedtime--she came downstairs, grabbed the vacuum and headed back upstairs. Expecting some bizarre, circular, explanation I cautiously asked her what she was doing. Of course her first response was, "I'm going to vacuum my room." So I had to ask the clarifying question of "Why" are you vacuuming at 9:00 PM. She actually told the truth. She stated that she somehow broke her blush (make-up) and that is somehow got all over the place.
Knowing that she destroyed the carpet in her room a long time ago there was no sense of urgency to get it cleaned or to wonder how bad it really was, there was just the opportunity to thank her for her honesty and let her go on her merry way. Which I did. And she did.
May not seem like much, but it showed that she finally felt safe enough to tell me the truth and because of her truth there was no escalation and the night ended peacefully. Hopefully we can continue this trend and hopefully slowing her mind more will allow her to make more good decisions when it comes to telling us the truth.
Small victory with a big impact. :) Oh - and she got all of the blush up from the carpet, too!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Latest Developments...
So, it's been a while since I've updated this blog. Part of the reason for the delay is just trying to catch up with life after the holidays, but part is also because of the "relative calm."
The therapy has been amazing...
The week between Christmas and New Year's was very nice--peaceful, well, until New Year's Day itself, and then things deteriorated for the next week with high drama and a lot of BS from DD. A LOT.
Perhaps we cannot afford a two week gap in therapy at this stage. Or maybe it was too much free time over the holiday break. Whatever it was, it gave our therapist a whole new repertoire to work with--and she did not like it one bit! She totally shut down during one session and refused to speak for the second half. While it would appear that we made no progress in that session, and the therapist (TT) actually declared it "No Progress" before he dismissed her to the lobby, something quite remarkable happened on the way home. She opened up and vented to DH. She was so angry at her new enemy, that DH was now someone she would turn to for comfort.
"I don't like him. He was getting all in my business. He was trying to get into my feelings!" - DD
DING! DING! DING!!! YES!!!!
That is it!!! He IS trying to get into your feelings! We all are!!! That is what this is ALL about! To get you to FEEL your impact on the world. To get you to FEEL empathy, sympathy, remorse, sorrow, anger, happiness, joy, peace, safe, and most importantly --- for you to feel love.
I would so love to lock us all up in a room for two days until she really cracks. I think TT could do it. Now after two sessions since the holidays, she is Miss Merry Sunshine - trying very hard to get along, even with my DS who still does not trust her and her efforts. She has a lot of repair to do there.
The coolest thing is to be able to use his words to define behaviors later at home--"See - you still refuse to own your garbage. You want to blame everyone else and are totally incapable of sincerely apologizing." She gets it. It is like shorthand. She still is unable to apologize for even the littlest of things, but she may just be feeling something inside. Don't know for sure, but we are learning how to better deal with her actions and how to stop things from escalating out of control, like they used to.
Things are not perfect--probably never will be--and we will likely spend years on his couch, but so long as he continues to produce tiny hairline fractures in her armor, we can still hold out hope that maybe one day she will love us---or at a minimum, respect us.
The therapy has been amazing...
The week between Christmas and New Year's was very nice--peaceful, well, until New Year's Day itself, and then things deteriorated for the next week with high drama and a lot of BS from DD. A LOT.
Perhaps we cannot afford a two week gap in therapy at this stage. Or maybe it was too much free time over the holiday break. Whatever it was, it gave our therapist a whole new repertoire to work with--and she did not like it one bit! She totally shut down during one session and refused to speak for the second half. While it would appear that we made no progress in that session, and the therapist (TT) actually declared it "No Progress" before he dismissed her to the lobby, something quite remarkable happened on the way home. She opened up and vented to DH. She was so angry at her new enemy, that DH was now someone she would turn to for comfort.
"I don't like him. He was getting all in my business. He was trying to get into my feelings!" - DD
DING! DING! DING!!! YES!!!!
That is it!!! He IS trying to get into your feelings! We all are!!! That is what this is ALL about! To get you to FEEL your impact on the world. To get you to FEEL empathy, sympathy, remorse, sorrow, anger, happiness, joy, peace, safe, and most importantly --- for you to feel love.
I would so love to lock us all up in a room for two days until she really cracks. I think TT could do it. Now after two sessions since the holidays, she is Miss Merry Sunshine - trying very hard to get along, even with my DS who still does not trust her and her efforts. She has a lot of repair to do there.
The coolest thing is to be able to use his words to define behaviors later at home--"See - you still refuse to own your garbage. You want to blame everyone else and are totally incapable of sincerely apologizing." She gets it. It is like shorthand. She still is unable to apologize for even the littlest of things, but she may just be feeling something inside. Don't know for sure, but we are learning how to better deal with her actions and how to stop things from escalating out of control, like they used to.
Things are not perfect--probably never will be--and we will likely spend years on his couch, but so long as he continues to produce tiny hairline fractures in her armor, we can still hold out hope that maybe one day she will love us---or at a minimum, respect us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
