Write Here. Right Now.

Time for an update

2008-10-31T12:13:00.000-07:00

So, I am proud to say there really isn't much to report. We are living a relatively peaceful life these days. I credit the new doc and the new drugs; Oxcarbazepine and Vyvanse. He seems to have the right dosages going, too.

Overall, her grades are OK but she is failing Science for some reason. Unfortunately, she still can't seem to get along at school, so maybe she's just learned to pick her battles at home. (Although one day we had a HUGE altercation at home between her and DH over mayonnaise. It was delightful!) She got detention a couple of weeks ago. She is still bugging the nurse almost daily, but the nurse doesn't bug us anymore. She did jam a finger in PE the other day and apparently the drama got so big at school that the nurse broke down to tell us about it. Later that day, the nurse was gone and a volunteer parent was covering the nurse's office. DD returned to the office and worked her pity scene on the unsuspecting mom who called us and told us that DD broke her finger. *sigh*

DH took her to the doc after school. No break. Of course. Just a jammed finger. They did wrap her finger with a brace and she wears it like a prize. Oh the attention she probably got for that at school.

We had a family gathering in Houston last weekend--usually a family gathering brings out the worst in her--but we had minimal drama and inappropriate behavior. She stomped off a couple of times, but now the extended family even knows to just ignore her baby tantrums. Gives me hope that our camping trip next weekend with these same family members won't be about constantly trying to wrangle her behaviors.

She decided Wednesday night that she WOULD like to go trick-or-treating this year. The costumes were pretty picked over, but she will be a sort of Corpse Bride tonight. DS declared that he would not go this year, but he may get a last minute bug to hit a few houses.

Gearing up for the holidays and our big trip, but this weekend is a "do-nuthin' weekend. We will be busy getting ready for all the upcoming busy weekend, but at least we are home with no scheduled place to be. Something to shoot for next year----scheduled "chill" weekends where we have no other obligations. This year blew past us so quickly, we've vowed to slow down in 2009. The first few months will be difficult with the wrestling season in full force (actually starts in late Nov.) but from March going forward, we strive to....c h i l l

New Meds

2008-09-25T19:23:00.000-07:00

So, for the first two weeks of school, DD went to the nurse's office 2 to 3 times a day. New teachers. Fresh meat. Even though it states in her IEP that teachers should not let her go to the nurse unless they actually see signs of illness, it was just too soon in the new school year for them to know her tactics. So I get the phone call. The nurse knows her. This is her third year with DD, so she knows the pattern. I told her that I could talk to DD but what she really needed to do was talk to the teachers and let THEM know the history. They are the only ones who can stop her from leaving class everyday.

Then DH took her to her new psychiatrist. He is from Columbia and DH is from Italy, so comprehension on both parts was challenging at times, but overall, DH could tell that the new doc completely understood what he was dealing with. He upped her current medication and added a new one --- new to the market as well--- that he said would yield results within an hour. *sigh*

We are not having any real issues--nothing new at home--- but at school she has at least one altercation a day. Nothing physical yet. Just Jerry Springer mouthing off stuff.

There is good news though. Last weekend I had a wedding to shoot in a neighboring town. We needed my mom to come sit with the kids for the evening--which is usually torture for my mom. This time though, things went smoothly. DD didn't play her too much and she minded mom very well, so that was a relief.

The other tidbit of good news is that DD managed a project by herself pretty well---really well so far. In 6th grade she did a fund raiser for the band and it was a disaster for our home. She didn't get money upfront. She didn't get complete info from folks, then she lost some money, and turned the whole order in late. When the crap came in, it was a real challenge to find out who got what. So, in 7th grade I did not allow her to participate in any fundraisers. Of course, now in 8th grade, she brought another fundraiser home again. I told her the deal was that if she wanted to do this that I wanted nothing to do with it from start to end and if she messed up that she would have to resolve it with her choir director and the neighbors.

She immediately hit the loop and sold several hundred dollars worth of stuff. And she convinced those who didn't want to buy to simply donate cash. She didn't do great with organizing the cash purchases, but the checks helped her late fill in all the missing info. She does have phone numbers and order numbers for all, so should be able to deliver when in comes in. She earned her trip to Six Flags with the choir.

On her blazing sales stump, she met a new girl on the loop. The new girl also needed to sell stuff for her elective, so DD shamelessly went out with her to the same houses, on the same day, and pushed the same people to buy from or donate to her new friend. She may have found the perfect career for herself. Hard core sales.

So, life goes on. Every six weeks we get her braces tightened. Every month we see the new psychiatrist. Next week we get her passport photos. Right now we are all taking a break from therapists.

We don't get excited or react to her dramas and plots. We simply and calmly stop her and redirect her without any emotion -- at least from us -- and go on with our lives, and we are all sleeping a little better. Except my son. He now needs help learning to deal with her. We have deliberately kept him out of the loop in an effort to protect him from much of the ugliness, but now it is time to pull him in, help him adjust, and guide him through how to live with someone you don't trust. And trust is a MASSIVE issue for this guy.

I've given up hope of ever being close to DD, which may be a terrible thing to think or say, but the best I can offer right now is hope that we can all survive each other without too many scars, and hope that even this occasionally awkward relationship we have with DD is better that the life she had before, or the life she would have if she were never adopted. Right or wrong, that is what helps me breathe. That is what helps me sleep. That is what helps me heal some of the damage I've experienced from this whole situation.

Last week I attended the gala premiere of this years Central Texas Heart Gallery. I was a photographer for this event and two of my kiddos were in the gallery. One of the keynote speakers at this event was a beautiful, articulate, intelligent, successful young woman. This incredible young woman aged out of the foster system, having never been adopted. When she was 17, about to turn 18, she asked her foster parents to adopt her, but they said no. Looking at her now you think, how could anyone say no to such a desperately heartfelt request.

The theme of the premiere this year was "What difference does it make?" The answer was, "All the difference in the world." And this young woman brought that home to me.

People always ask why would anyone adopt a 16, 17, or 18 year old. They are about to move out anyway. The Director then asks adults of all ages, when was the last time you called your mom? Did you stop needing parents at 18? Having no parents, no family, no connection. Little things start to matter a lot. Silly things like not having names to fill in the blanks on forms that ask for your mom and dad's names. Not having a place to go home to for the holidays. Not having grandparents for your own children when you get older. They all add up.

Even if all DD gets out of us are names on a form or someone to complain about when her friends complain about their parents, or just having someone to point that teenage angst towards, screaming "My stupid parents!" It is something. Hopefully we will one day mean more to her, but I am ready to accept the fact that we may never be more than that.

Latest Tactics

2008-08-31T14:33:00.001-07:00

The first week of intensive was interesting. After our initial session, DD then had two consecutive nights of teen only sessions, then we returned on Thursday. How delightful it was to see how much she bonded with the two juvies, and to see the joy she took in running and laughing down the halls when they were all sent to pee in a cup for a random drug test. Oh, and the new lingo she learned, it was such a proud moment where we felt like we accomplished so much.

Not.

We sat through another three hours of BS with this crew, only the Juvies and us. The other families were not there that night. After the break, DD again sat across from us, next to her new "friends" and DH said, "No, you come sit over here by us." All three girls attacked him. The other parents were still in the hall, but the therapist got to witness this fine exchange. DH got pissed and said, "No, we are the parents here. We make the decisions here--not you. We are here so she can learn how to live with us, not you, so she needs to come sit over here." To which one of the juvies snarled back at him, while pointing to the other juvie "Well, you're not HER dad, you can't tell HER where to sit!" To which he replied in an eerily calm voice "I don't give a shit where you two sit, I wasn't talking to you." DD moved back over by me.

The two juvies then took over the rest of the session, whining that they wanted to go home, finding excuses to leave the session, over and over again until the therapist said no more--but they still pushed. Once DD figured out what they were doing, she went from extremely engaged in the discussion to a full physical and social transformation. She slid down in her chair, her head fell to one side, and she stopped talking --- realizing her new buds wanted to leave, so she better act that way too. They won. The session ended at 8:15 instead of 9:00. They were in control.

The following Saturday morning, we took DD with us to the other side of town to attend a parent training in a theory that I have long avoided. It is called Beyond Consequences. DD and others were with a kid-sitter and we, the parents, were in a conference room upstairs. The basic theory is that there are only two real emotions, love and fear, and based on that we know that all bad behaviors come from fear and nothing else--no manipulation, controlling, plotting, etc. So consequences should only be the natural consequences, not contrived, unassociated punishments. Our trauma-surviving kids are behaving strictly out of fear, so we should just hug them and love them unconditionally no matter what -- unless their behavior is dangerous. On the other side, when we get angry and lose it, we are also acting out of fear, so we can not help regulate our kids if we, ourselves, are not regulated.

That said, the training was helpful. No miracles or anything, but a few tidbits that did indeed help. The training was done by a couple of women, one a friend of mine, an adoptive mom and teacher who is newly certified to teach this theory. They did a great job, but we all agreed it was a lot to cram into a three hour session and we are all waiting for the next scheduled session. To me, this training is more realistic and should be one of maybe many theories taught to potential adoptive parents, to give them an arsenal of possible tools to use to save all parties involved.

One of the big tidbits I gained was the "aha moment" of I know this kid better than ANY of the specialists we have seen and that I need to stop letting them have control. I think we have suffered more damage at the hands of some of these specialists than we would have if we had sought no help at all. With this new confidence in what I know, we quit the intensive program. I had a couple of hours of conversations with the group therapist, and while she politely disagreed and argued with me, she eventually understood what I was saying. She gave me a couple of references and we actually have an appointment with a very well-renown Psychiatrist on the 16th. He requires all kinds of info from us before seeing her, which while it is a pain in the tush to gather, makes me feel much better about how he will decide about meds and treatments. I am impressed already. I hope I remain impressed.

The other tidbit--probably unintentional--is that there is NO WAY OUT. We have to make this work. We are not alone, and we by FAR do not have it as bad as some. My analogy there is--if you saw my pants leg burst into flame, you would probably scream "you are on fire" and not just say, "oh - yeah, I see the flame, but it isn't that bad yet. It is only your leg." The end result is still the same. I would have lot of pain and a lot of rehab in my future. So, bring in a special needs kid. We have varying degrees of issues, but the end result is the same--we all have a lot of pain and a lot of therapy ahead. The state is not going to take back this kid. Why would they? They are the ones who set us up to fail in the first place. They know exactly what is going on, but challenging and even destroying families is a hell of a lot easier and cheaper that trying to actually help these damaged kids.

So, we are trying not to react to DD. We will respond to her, but not react. And where we are capable of doing so, we try to let only natural consequences occur. Not one thing has changed with DD. Not one. She is exactly the same, but we are not letting it rule our home. We still have to make constant alterations to our usual plans to anticipate triggers and her behaviors, and we are still pretty hyper vigilant ourselves to preempt any problems, and that will likely never change. We just have to figure out how we can all survive this with the least amount of damage to anyone--her included.

I am finally reading the Beyond Consequences book. The letter from the female co-author was painfully familiar to our experience, but my eyes still gaze over some of the extended descriptions in the chapters about love. Maybe I will get better at absorbing some of the details of the theories as we move forward, but some of it just gets nauseating at times and sounds too woo woo and stops making sense to me. I guess that is my fear still at work.

Intensive Outpatient

2008-08-11T21:30:00.000-07:00

What an interesting night. We watched her watching the other kids (all girls this week) and modeling their behaviors. Doing things they were doing --- things we've never seen her do. Her usual behaviors were there too -- laughing forcefully at their slightest attempt at humor, trying so hard to win their affection. They were mostly high school girls, a couple fresh from Juvie (Juvenile Corrections) a couple fresh from intensive inpatient for drugs and a suicide attempt, and one who just seemed to be in so much pain and felt unheard--the intensity so difficult for her she left the session.

DD sat like they sat, watching their every moves, and when we had an impromptu break upon the pained girls departure, she moved to a chair closer to them and started chatting it up like they were in a new club together. She agreed with all they said, she immediately made an impression on them, and the two buddies from Juvie chatted and laughed with her--on the other side of the circle, away from us.

When the session began again, DD opted to stay near her new friends. It was her turn now to talk about her feelings. She spun some good tales, and they all encouraged her. She claimed to have no knowledge of why we were there other than she lies sometimes. She didn't really know what the problem was and said they would have to ask us; so they did. And we shared how we had this little survivalist stranger in our house who would not allow us to love her or protect her and who worked very hard to prove how unworthy she is of love and trust, just to prove herself right--that everyone would hurt her and leave her so she is fully justified in only caring about herself and doing whatever she wants and whatever she thinks she needs to help herself. It was interesting to see the groups response, initially defending her a bit, then they themselves started to hear the contradictions in her words and the bizarre circles in her stories. "She was yelling at me and I did not yell back." Then later saying "I only raised my voice, but I was not yelling at her." Then making statements to us like, "I've changed. You may not be able to see it, but I've changed." So the therapist asked her to give a specific example of what changed and she said that she now admits what she has done -- she owns her behavior. I was about to pop. She is so good at picking up on buzzwords and delivering what people want to hear. I asked her to help me understand when she owned her behavior and she snapped "Today, on the way over here."

Then she talked about living with her mom for five years --which she did not, and how she used to think about her future with her mom. I know she had trauma in her youth, but do five-year olds really think about their futures, or just the moment. Hell --- she doesn't even really think about the future now, but no point trying to dispute her version of her past. I need her to understand the reality of her present.

The crowd turned on us a couple of times, too, hearing her words and not understanding the history. They always prefaced their comments with "I know I don't know your story, but..." DH really wanted to correct DD and correct the group, but I told him to hold off, that with four nights a week of this stuff, they will learn it on their own. He doesn't have to be the bad guy trying to paint a realistic picture that is not too flattering for this bubbly little girl they saw tonight.

Tomorrow and Wednesday nights are teens only. I'm sure she will tell a pretty story about us. Then the families meet again on Thursday.

Belated update

2008-08-04T19:03:00.001-07:00

So, the meeting with the lawyer never happened. Two hours before our appointment, the law office called to say that the 16-year veteran we were to meet with would not be able to make it, but the 5-year newbie could talk with us. Same price, of course. We cancelled.

We then tried to find another lawyer, followed a couple of references, only to find that no one we found really wants a case like this and one even went so far as to end with a parting shot of, "I don't know what to tell you, but you know, she is your child." Thanks! Thanks for your unsolicited, uneducated opinion about a case in which you know nothing. We are going back to the first one and waiting until she is available again.

In the meantime, we signed up to take some parenting training, and today we went to an assessment at a local psychiatric hospital for intensive outpatient therapy. The drag is that it is three hours a night, four nights a week for 5 weeks and we must attend two nights a week. Nobody ever cares about the rest of the family, the impact of such a schedule, just the "best interest of the child." There is more cost associated with this, of course, and the first part of the intake is all about the money. The intensive therapy will consist of group family therapy with yet another therapist--not a psychologist, or psychoanalyst, another therapist. I am a bit burned out. No - that is an understatement. I am beyond cynical at this point. They have an uphill battle to overcome and I know that this will suck beyond all other options we have tried. Maybe a year ago I would be more open to this, but the system and her behaviors have worn me out.

The intake person kept us waiting in a dark, silent waiting room for 45 minutes, without any communication before our intake began. We got off to a rough start, to say the least.

I am also meeting with a couple tomorrow night who know all about reversals in this county and who want to consult us and provide us with names and possible resources. It may seem schitzophrenic to be pursuing therapy and a lawyer or reversal at the same time, but I need some kind of progress to start happening, one way or another. I don't want to waste another year of my family life with no progress. Either we will get help or we will get out.

I guess what is really destroying me is that we had nothing but the child's best interest for so many years, only to be denied help, to be dismissed as having no real problems since she isn't suicidal or homicidal, to be accused of being the root of the problem, to having a therapist suggest that I be medicated. The root of the problem is her disorders which NO ONE has really addressed. They've either drugged, dismissed, or blamed.

Made an appointment

2008-07-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

So - the state kept her at "moderate."

Baptist's Children Home will not admit her.

Our options are running out.

LSSS is trying some other Children's Homes, but I will not hold my breath.

In the meantime, we have an appointment with a Family Law attorney on Wednesday afternoon. We want to hear what our options are from a third-party. Worst case-scenario that we know of at this point is if we choose to dissolve, we get charged with both civil and criminal charges of child abandonment and may possibly get penalized and told to pay child support (up to 25% of our combined income) to support her until she is 18. While all of that SUCKS, it is in our control. We decide if these are consequences we can live with.

If we chose to just wait it out until she is 18, and try to survive her personality disorders, we have no idea what hell she can bring into our lives. Will she falsely accuse one of us of something? Will she commit some crime that we will have to answer to? Will she get pregnant--something else we will have to deal with? Or will we be threatened in some way?

I've been looking at camps, residential treatment centers, military schools, boarding schools and I just can't do it. Tuition ranges from $4500 - $7000 a month!! For that money I would rather go broke buying a mansion with a wing in that she could have all to herself. More likely, I could just buy a crack house and let her live there. 25% of our income is much cheaper than these options--believe me.

Perhaps paying out until she is 18 is a better deal...we don't know. Still looking for answers.

Tonight we made her give back the $40 she stole. You could barely hear her, the little girl was not home, and the dad was a sweetie, letting her off the hook completely. Ugh! He doesn't know any better. He was soooo nice.

Service gap...

2008-07-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

So, our luck ran out---well, the insurance ran out. I picked her up today. Tomorrow we should hear about our appeal to get her classified as specialized. If the answer is yes, then LSSS can do the paperwork to get her admitted to the local, all-girl RTC, or another RTC if the all-girl place is full. If they decline our appeal, and keep her at moderate, we are told to just continue documenting daily what she does, so we can try this whole loop again.

Husband says he is ready to pay $300 an hour to learn more about our options and possible consequences for dissolving. My neighbor said the going rate for child support in our county is 25% of income. Grrrrrr....

She thinks she is home because she is better. We stripped her room last night so there are no containers and no hiding places. I found more crap that she took from me--stuff I've gone crazy looking for, thinking I must have just misplaced it all. I found other items that I have never seen before. Goodness knows how she got them. We created a rigid schedule for her, although enforcing it will be more work for us, and we detailed some of the rules and consequences.

Just having her in my car was agitating me. Having her back in the house is not a good feeling either. We installed a lock on DS' bedroom last night. He asked that we also hide all the kitchen knives and lock our door at night. He really fears her. While cleaning out her room, I came upon a dream journal TT asked her to keep. One dream was titled "Dead Parents" where we are killed in a car accident and she is pissed that she is an orphan again until she learns that in our will we gave someone else custody. So she goes to live with Kenny Chesney, he buys her lots of beautiful dresses and dances with her and she gets to sing with him on stage.

In another dream, SOMEONE is in the house, using the kitchen knives to stab all of us.

None of what we found in her room last night alleviated any anxiety.

sigh New Diagnosis

2008-07-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

I think we are recycling labels now. The new psychological assessment shows:

Bi-polar without psychotic features
PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
ODD - Oppositional Defiance Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality disorder
Hyper-vigilant traits

The Borderline and Narcissistic Disorders are the creepiest, and are rarely successfully treated.

They did get insurance to approve another seven days so they can assess meds. They haven't called me yet, but I assume they will put her on Depokote and Abilify again. Notice that RAD is not in this assessment. There is no drug for RAD and not much that an RTC could do with RAD, so no need diagnosing that one.

More soon...

Another phone call...

2008-06-27T14:25:00.000-07:00

She called last night. She calls every night. And every night I let it go to voicemail.

But last night she had a staff member call and leave a message that she wanted to speak to us and say that they would really appreciate it if I called her back. So I called back. I got their voicemail. Then they called again and I asked if something happened or was there a problem, and the staff member told me that there was an incident and that DD was pretty upset and wanted to talk to me. So I accepted the call.

DD got on in hysterics. I couldn't understand her at all. IT took a while for her to speak in a tone I could understand and she was again asking to go home, saying that all the girls there wanted to kick her ass and if she didn't get out soon she was going to go off on them. She said that they told her that when she gets out of there that "it is on!" Whatever that means. So I asked what happened to get to this point with these girls so quickly, and of course she did nothing. They just don't like her, she doesn't know why because she has been nothing but nice to them. This is the same story I have heard about every conflict, physical or not, that she has had since we met her.

I asked her if she recalls living anywhere where she did not have problems. She said no. I asked why she thought that was a reoccurring issue in her life and she said she did not know--that people are just mean to her. She does not get it.

She then said that if we took her home now that she would definitely do everything we told her to do.

I calmly tried to explain that she needed to try to stand in my shoes and see what it might be like for me to listen to someone who has lied to me, defied me, and fought me for three years and see if she would be able to believe that someone. She said, "yeah, but THIS time, I promise!"

I repeated that she had a lot of work to do before I would believe her again, and probably before she would get out. Told her I would not go get her. So then she asked if we were going to go visit her this weekend. I asked her what for. She just wants a visitor. I don't blame her, but no, we will not. I have nothing to say to her, nothing I want to hear from her, and nothing has changed. It is still painful to be around her, and I told her that again this phone call was all about what I could do for her and that she still didn't get it. She has work to do. She will get nothing from me until she shows some progress towards recognizing that there are other people on this planet and recognizing her impact on other people.

The conversation ended very calmly. I asked her not to call anymore, and that whatever she has to say we can discuss at our next therapy session. She said OK, but I am sure my phone will ring again tonight between the hours of 6:00 - 8:00 -- her phone time.

I hate this...

2008-06-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

We had our first "family" therapy with DD today. Ugh! DH and I raced home to get on a conference call. The therapist let DD start with a list of things that she wanted to ask us.

The list was really her list of demands. She wants her make-up, and more clothes, different shoes, and she wants me to list more people on the phone list so she can call people.

After some silence I asked if this was family therapy or DD's shopping list for us? It really went downhill from there, but the interesting thing was that with us not being in the same room with her, she was really mouthy and back-talking like she has never done in a session before. She really exposed herself, big time. We have not met the therapist in person, but she was direct with all of us and called DD on his B.S. It got pretty heated and ended within 30 minutes. I thought it was supposed to be for an hour, but was grateful for the brevity.

Unfortunately, I had to shift gears and get back to work; so did DH. We were both completely distracted and disturbed by the exchange. SHIT!!! She still makes us miserable.

Next week we are calling in again because of the holiday and because we have my MIL visiting for the first time in 20 years. I plan to say as little as possible and let DD continue to hang herself verbally. I do not want to get blown away by this kid every week. Oh yeah - after yelling at me because I told her that I don't believe that she misses me, she said to me in a very snotty tone that she thinks going back to her mom is a good idea. She is so FRIGGIN' DELUSIONAL!!! As if that is even an option. If it was, I would strip our name off her, hand deliver her ass, then move to a new town and go underground so she and her f'd up mother couldn't ever come looking for us or money.

The therapist said she would call later this week to follow-up. There are still so many unknowns. Oh - and this therapist doesn't believe it is RAD, but teenage oppositional definace disorder, and said that RAD was a childhood disorder. Yeah! Right. Whatever. I don't care what they label her, I just don't want her back. The therapist knows there is nothing that can be done with RAD, so maybe this is her way of getting DD to qualify for a longer stay. Somewhere in the conversation today someone mentioned six weeks--which is the first I've heard of--but I don't know any details. Supposedly they are going to do a new psychological assessment on her. Should be interesting to see what new label they come up with now.

I am so sick of this. DH actually called a lawyer again today, after the session. We are really at our wits end.

I got a call last night.

2008-06-19T07:38:00.000-07:00

From DD. She was crying saying that she missed us and wanted to go back home, or back to the children's home. I played along and let her talk until she revealed what she really wanted---her stuff. When I finally cut her off saying that she didn't really miss us, she yelled back at me saying "Oh yeah? Then why did I cry myself to sleep last night?" And I said, because you are sad for you.

She again said that she wanted to go back to the children's home because they were very nice to her there, and I told her that she blew it. I reminded her that when I took her there that I told her that it was a nice place and that she needed to take advantage of this opportunity to make it work, otherwise she would go to an RTC. She remembered, so I asked her what she did, and she muttered, "got into trouble." From day one to the minutes before we picked her up she got into trouble.

I reminded her of the conversation that we have had over and over again about how if she doesn't behave responsibly, that more and more of her freedoms would be taken from her. I told her that she could get out of there if she did the work to get out of there, but that I can no longer help her and that the children's home is no longer an option for her, and that if she doesn't like it there that maybe she should learn what she needs to do so she doesn't ever go back there, or ever go to jail.

She kept trying to play on my sympathy, whining that she had only had one group therapy session so far and no individual therapy (having heard me complain last time about the lack of therapy she was getting). When that didn't work she cried about all her friends leaving the next day...the "friends" she just met less than 24 hours earlier. I told her new friends would be coming soon and that she would be fine.

It was not a fun call and I will now limit how many calls I accept from her a week. She needs to do the work. I cannot fix her and she cannot fix herself, so maybe her discomfort there means that they MIGHT be doing something right? Maybe they will get some small breakthrough with her? Of maybe she just wants her stuff...

OK - she's in...

2008-06-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

We got approval for 14 days. The RTC will likely ask for an extension to at least 30 days, then we will wing it from there.

YFT came back with an assessment of Moderate --- not what we needed. So LSS will submit new information including the admission to a psychiatric hospital and possibly the new medications she will likely be prescribed. All of this should help raise her to the Specialized level of care.

So while there is some validation from this experience...

2008-06-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

...unfortunately, she will not remain at the residential home for basic care kids.

Yep - the housemom gave me a head's up that DD will not be staying, but she was willing to keep her a few more days while we try to work out some other plan. We have talked about every other day, so while we have been incredibly relaxed, and genuinely happy in the house for the past couple of weeks, I still get my little reminders every other day.

Her behaviors lately have included:

being in a girl's closet after lights out, requesting to borrow a pair of "really short-short. I NEED a pair of really short-shorts,"
when asked what she was doing in someone else's room (against the rules) while still standing in the closet with the housemom facing her, she said "I'm not!"
hanging all over some boys who came to the cottage with their families, from church, to provide an ice cream party for the girls. The housemom had to pull her off of them 5 times. Then she saw one of the other girl's, who was standing next to the boys, mouth to DD the words, "He says he loves you too!"
saying that the housemom approved the song that she wanted to sing for an upcoming talent show (Carrie Underwood's The Next Time) when the talent show coordinator approached her about the inappropriateness of the song (about cheating and dressing like a tramp, etc)
speaking out loud, at 2:00, from her bed, a very erotic, sexually-graphic one-sided dialogue about a boy. The housemom thought she was having phone sex with someone, and got DD out of bed and tore it apart looking for a cell phone, but found nothing. DD claimed to be asleep, but both the housemom and I know that she was not. The next day the housemom asked DD to write down her dream and she fabricated this big story about being in college, getting married, and somehow becoming pregnant and having a baby.
talking to all the girls about this boy on campus, who she has only seen from across the campus and never really met, about how much she likes him. His name was used in the erotic monologue as well.

Apparently DD is hellbent on getting laid and getting pregnant! She is obsessed with boys and getting their attention and most of her problems at the home have been around breaking the rules, lying, and stealing to satisfy her need to look and act like a skank. This is an extremely Christian children's home and they are suppose to only take basic-care kids, not kids with behavior problems, and certainly not kids with personality disorders (although they won't give her the official label of Narcissistic Personality Disorder until she is 18 --- even the housemom called that one, on top of the Attachment Disorder). So, now on to plan B.

While last week at work was one of the most intense weeks, and will be followed up with more next week as we roll out a new software application for people to transition to, I also get to deal with the crap. On Friday alone, I probably made and received a total of 15 calls. This gets kind of complicated now because there are so many possibilities and very little is in our control, and we are entering a world of acronyms. We are at the mercy of others, at this point, but this too shall end.

1) I called a residential treatment center (RTC)-- the same crappy one she was in back in September. Why the same one, because they will almost HAVE to let her back in since we removed her "Against medical advice" and they rated her a GAF score of 38 upon dismissal. We should hear Monday if they are willing to do a Clinical Assessment--which means taking off work, driving to Belton, and playing with them for at least half the day.

2) I talked to insurance, and they seemed more likely to cover this particular RTC because they are in-network. They are waiting for the Clinical Assessment.

3) I talked to Lutheran Social Services of the South (LSSS) and they filed papers with another agency -- Youth for Tomorrow (YFT) -- to get DD's Level of Care (LOC) raised from Basic to Specialized. [There are four levels, Basic, Moderate, Specialized, and Intensive --we need Specialized for her to qualify for state funds to manage her costs for three months]

4) If she gets into the RTC, she can stay there as long as she is qualified per the insurance company. When funds end, IF she is at an LOC of Specialized, then LSSS can kick in and we can get her into a local, all-girls RTC that is capable of managing her until she is 18, if qualified.

5) IF we can get her to the all-girl's location, she can stay for the three months covered by LSSS. At some point, determined by LSSS, we can then apply through LSSS for Temporary Management Conservatorship (TMC). TMC is where the state takes partial (and supposedly temporary) custody of the child so that the state can manage the kids treatment resources. It is possible to maintain TMC until the kid is 18, but of course, the ultimate goal is "reunification of the family" so there are still hoops to jump and games to play.

6) IF insurance says NO to the RTC, we have to wait for YFT to make a decision. DD would return to the home while we wait.

7) IF YFT says yes, then IF there are openings at the all-girl's RTC, we can put her there immediately (as of Friday they did not have an opening). IF YFT says NO, then we can reapply and try to strengthen the case for a new LOC. In the meantime, she will be returned to our home.

8) IF everyone says NO, then we have decided to get a lawyer and end this, regardless of the charges filed against us. We are already having to spend an inordinate amount of time fighting, why not fight in a way that gets us to some result. I'm sure it will not be easy and certainly not cheap, but I think we can easily prove that we have exhausted all options, and maybe we can even get folks like the housemom to testify on our behalf. I don't know how all that would play out, and would prefer to not go there, because we all lose then, but we are running out of options.

All of these agencies know, that even if she gets placed until she 18, she still gets better service/treatment if she is attached (literally, not emotionally) to a family. If the adoption is dissolved, I saw the cottage in the back of the RTC where they put the kids that no one goes to see--the unwanted. You'd think that they might remain there until they are 18, since no one is likely to adopt them, but the state has this clever tactic called - EMANCIPATION - where they approach a 16-year old and ask if they would like $1000 and to be emancipated to do whatever they want. So, realistically, a 16-year old could be released to the streets with no life skills, personality and behavior disorders, and $1000 (which sounds like a lot to a kid) to fend for themselves.

They have to go through an emancipation program, but 90% the homeless kids that hang out on the main university drag in town, were either emancipated early, or aged-out of the system. Then we ALL get to pay for their vagrancy and petty crimes to survive. In other words, if the State won't find a way to help her now, the state will take care of her later, probably in a prison. All I know is that I cannot help her in my home, and the BEST that I can do for her is try to get her to a place where she can be treated, taught, and isolated from temptation until she is older. All of her fantasies (written and spoken out loud from under her blankets in the middle of the night, while in the children's home) are about sex, sometimes with multiple people, and about having a baby. She turned 13-years old three weeks ago...

Right or wrong, the goal is to not bring her back into this house --- ever. The extreme difference in our home is too overwhelming to ignore and I will NOT go back to what we had before. Ideally, we will pick her up on Wednesday, drive her to Belton, and get at least a few weeks to a few months there before insurance hits the breaks. By then we will have an answer from YFT, and we hopefully can smoothly transition her to the all-girl's RTC, if they have an opening. If there is no opening, and the Belton RTC still sees a need for treatment regardless of what insurance says, she can stay there and YFT will pick up the tab for three months, or until we can get her transferred to the all-girl's location.

So -- while we sit in limbo, we had a WONDERFUL Father's Day, in peace. On Saturday night, we had my mother over for her birthday, in peace. No drama. No craziness. No skankiness.

Meanwhile, the poor housemom at the Children's home is losing her mind. She vents for an hour plus each time I talk to her. She fears that I won't believe her because it all sounds so crazy, but I assured her that I believed EVERY word she said. She has had about 10 days with DD -- I told her to try 1000!

[Global Assessment of Functioning (GAF) 40-31 Major impairment of functioning in several areas and unable to function in one of these areas (ie., disturbed at home, at school, with peers, or in society at large, eg., persistent aggression without clear instigation; markedly withdrawn and isolated behaviour due to either mood or thought disturbance, suicidal attempts with clear lethal intent; such children are likely to require special schooling and/or hospitalization or withdrawal from school (but this is not a sufficient criterion for inclusion in this category).] http://www.health.nsw.gov.au/policy/cmh/mhoat/outcome_measures/CGASv1.pdf

Update on the Children's Home

2008-06-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

OK - Just got a call from the house-mom. Where to begin...

She went into another girl's room (against the rules) and took a magazine, ripped pages out of it (boys faces) and had the pages laying on her bed. When confronted, she denied doing any of it.

In her closet they found a pair of another girl's shoes. She said she was borrowing them. (So 1-went into another room, 2- took something that was not hers 3- lied about it).

Then to attempt to deflect the attention, accused the shoe owning girl or stealing her razors. Swears that I packed 10 razors and now she only has four (I only packed four).

So - House mom says - if you have 10 razors, why did you ask me for one last night. DD says - "because I don't like these."

DD's bathing suit is a two piece. She must have a one piece, so she told the house mom in training that if she would take her to Walmart to get a new suit, that she could use the $40 I gave her. (I did not give her $40--but the two twenty dollars bills gave it away that this was indeed the other little girl from school's money. DD's birthday money was in smaller bills, so no more confusion there.)

DD is cozy-ing up to the new house mom in training--a sweet, quiet character. DD told this woman that mom's last boyfriend raped her. (Not true and she has NEVER said this before to us or any therapist, police officer, medical examiner, CPS worker, or foster family.)

Not even 48 hours into it.

I asked the mom if these were fatal errors, because our lives are in limbo until we know what the next step is, and she hesitated, and stuttered a bit, but eventually said that she didn't say that DD wouldn't make it, but having three RAD girls in the house might be too much! Ya think!??! Hell--- ONE is too much!

This coming from a woman who is trained for this. She and her husband have been doing this for thirty years, this is their job--this is all they do--no additional work stressers, AND they have JESUS on their side, and they are struggling with her. I said - "welcome to my world. This has been our daily life for the last three years". She then commented that if she could just see a little remorse it might be OK. I told her that she never would, and if she did, then she has powers much stronger than mine. I wished her luck.

I will start working on our back-up plan in earnest now.

"Consideration Visit" begins

2008-06-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

She's in. Well, for a one week trial period, to see if she is a good match.

We took her on Tuesday afternoon. She was very comfortable--a familiar environment for her. We spent a couple of hours talking to the house parents and getting a little tour, then took off. Not two blocks from the house, my phone rang. DD approached the house-mom and said she needed to go to a choir concert in a hour. We had to go back to the house and explain that the concert would not be happening. She lived here now, and no longer attended that school or belonged to that choir. She was fine with that, so we left again.

Then at 9:00 at night I got a call from a girl looking for DD. No one ever really calls for her, so the timing was awkward. I explained that DD was not home, but I could take a message. The girl seemed stressed and frustrated, but eventually said good bye.

A few minutes later, the phone rang again. It was the girl's father, and he was definitely frustrated and angry.

He said there was an incident at school between his daughter and DD and he was trying to get to the bottom of it. Said his daughter wanted a yearbook, so he gave her $40. The school said she couldn't order a book without a form. She shared this story with DD. DD convinced the girl to the money to her and she would use the form that she had to buy the book for the girl. Two class periods later, DD told the girl that the money was stolen from her.

Ugh! Told the man I would call the school in the morning and try to get to the bottom of it. Well, the teacher in charge of final yearbook orders wanted nothing to do with this. She just wanted to be done, so she handed a book to the girl, without question and without researching if DD actually bought a book. So no resolution on that end.

We are not to contact DD for one week, so can't ask her either--not that she would give us the truth anyway. Just knowing her, I believe she either has the cash or has a new yearbook. She would not sit still if she really was a the victim of a theft. I guess it doesn't matter now, but it felt like one last parting shot at our serenity. Makes it easier to let go.

Nothing is final yet. She could easily wind up back in our home, but at that point we pursue other avenues. For now, we can all just breathe a little easier in the house, and in our lives in general.

One more day....?

2008-06-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

So, last Thursday was a good day! Not only did I find out that my DS is exempt from all of his finals because of his grades in class and on the state assessment tests, but I heard from the Children's Home and they can take her earlier!! She will miss the last two days of school, since our district goes longer, but seriously --- what happens in the last days of schools that could be so important.

So, come Tuesday, I will go home at noon, pack her bags,pick her up from school a little early, and DH & I will go take her for her consideration visit. This is still not a done deal, but closer to some sort of resolution.

Then Saturday, DH & DS went to Home Depot and I was out in the backyard. DD saw it as an opportunity to break another rule--and she would have gotten away with it too, if she were a little brighter.

When I came back into the house, the phone rang, and I heard her run to her door upstairs. I could see from the caller ID that it was the same boy that we've told multiple times not to call, explaining over and over that she does not take calls from boys. He then threw her under the bus saying that she called him and told him to call. I explained again that he is not to call, no matter what she says.

From downstairs I yelled up to her to stay off the phone. She came half way down the stairs to argue her case--saying she wasn't on the phone and that she never gave him her number and that she never told him to call. So I went upstairs to my bedroom phone and hit redial. Guess who's number came up? Yep - the boys. Argggh!

A few minutes later, he called again. I then got mean--this has gone on for about a month now. I asked if her were "slow." He said, "huh?" I asked what part of "do not call again" was confusing to him and offered to help explain it to him in further detail. Eventually he hung up on me.

Later that night, around 10:00 PM., an adult female called and simply said "Who is this!??" My DH asked back - "Who is this??? You called me. Who are you!!??" There was some confusion and he asked, "are you __________ mother?" And she hung up.

About ten minutes later the phone rang again, this time with the boy's caller ID again. I answered and it was the adult female again. She started off really huffy, complaining that she was tired of the inappropriate messages being left by DD on her son's answering message. She was tired of the late night text messages coming in from her (from last weekend when she used her cousin's phone to text and call). Then the woman started defending her son as a good boy and how she only allows him appropriate interaction with girls and DD asking him to secretly meet her in the "ditch" a block away from our home was inappropriate.

I apologized for DD's behavior and stated that this was a challenge we have and that while we are battling this, I would appreciate it if she could get her son to comply with our requests to not call regardless of what DD says. She was still snippy with me.

So I dumped a little on her, letting her know that we adopted DD three years ago, that she has some issues that we are working with, and that this was our rule as her parents and that it didn't have anything to do with her or her son. The she dumped back on me. Good gosh...

This woman was s3xually and physically abused all her life and watched her father abuse and attempt to kill her mother numerous times. Then she ran away when she was 15 and eventually lived with a 28-year old. Gave up her first born for adoption. Then had her son later with someone who was also abusive and she moved here with her son all by herself. She wanted to meet with me. She wanted to advise me. She wants to go back to school to be a therapist to help children of abuse. Her son is bi-polar, ADHD, and depressed and she thinks that our kids just want to talk with each other and that this would be a good thing. Dang! Didn't she just say my DD wanted to meet her son in a ditch!?!? That is a little more than TALKING. She also said she took her son to therapists out of town, not finding any here that she liked. She also mentioned that she took him to the very residential treatment center DD attended last fall. *sigh*

I could not end this call. I was trying to be sensitive to her feelings and apologized for dredging up all this stuff for her, but she wanted to meet for coffee!!! I had to delicately back out saying that we just have way too much going on right now. she continued to share her past and talk about how Jesus got her through it all and that Jesus may have brought these kids together so they can help each other. I tried to explain to her that while that sounded logical, that logic does not apply here, that until DD shows that she can make responsible decisions, we cannot allow her to make her own decisions about being with a boy.

This was such a painfully awkward call. I thanked her over and over for calling and kept encouraging her. I also tried to reinforce our need for her to support our decision as a parent to not have the kids call each other. DD JUST turned 13 last weekend. Most girls can probably handle calls from boys at this age. DD is not most girls.

Hopefully the calls will subside, especially since DD will not be here, at least for a week, possibly longer.Tomorrow is not the end to this struggle; simply a new chapter. Hopefully a chapter that is beneficial for all parties--not just the welfare of the child.

Latest news on the Children's Home

2008-05-23T06:21:00.000-07:00

I finally talked to the caseworker (I called her) and she explained that a "consideration visit" is where the kid spends a week there to see if she is a good fit before they commit to placement. A week will be a good test, but unfortunately, may reveal behaviors that they are not willing to tolerate. :( Hopefully not. Hopefully she will be so excited to have all these new people (what we like to call 'fresh meat') available to her. And sharing the living quarters with seven other girls in the cottage could be like a slumber party! We won't tell her until we are driving there, and I will pitch it like summer camp (which it will be like in the summer, unless she has to go to summer school because of the two classes she's decided to quit doing the work for, and is failing). I will let her know that if she blows it here, her next stop is a residential treatment center---and she knows what that is like.

This place is pretty nice and has a great set-up. While there are no beds available now, they anticipate one or two opening when school lets out. We have a tentative meeting scheduled for June 6th. Hopefully that date will stick. The cottage they intend for her has a house couple that lives there for several weeks in a row, in an attached appartment. Then for one week, they lock their attached door and the respite apartment opens to the cottage and another couple takes it on for a week. The long-term couple have been there almost 30 years, so they know their stuff and apparently run a tight ship. I was told she only needed some clothes, and then a couple of nice outfits for church every Sunday. No expensive electronics or such. Should be interesting.

Since she wears the same 5-7 shirts every week and this week wore her new pair of jeans all five days, having a limited number of outfits in an institution should not be a big deal.

A friend of mine who is about to become a licensed foster respite parent had no plans for the weekend and offered to take DD for Friday night and most of Saturday--sort of a practice session for my friend. I hesitated to say yes, not wanting to jeopardize our relationship, but she insisted. So, over the long weekend, we will get a little break from the drama. Yeah!

Still counting down, but not getting too excited. At a minimum we should get a week long break from DD in June, but we really hope and pray that she sticks, and stays longer. They have a 9-12 month program with some kids staying longer. In that time we will work with LSS to get the state to take back partial custody so they can provide long-term care until she is 18.

Gosh I am tired

2008-05-16T19:17:00.000-07:00

So yesterday we get a call from the junior high. DD got into a fist fight with another girl in CLASS!! Sounds like she got her tail kicked and while the other girl was making contact with a lot of her punches, DD was busy digging her nails into the other girl. IN THE CLASSROOM! Both girls got 3-days of in-school detention and were put on behavior contracts. This kind of behavior might immediately disqualify her from the local children's home we are trying to get her into. Nice timing! Another proud moment for us.

So today I learned that the home DID accept her, but need to do a "consideration visit" with us. What that exactly means, no one has explained yet, but apparently they assigned her an internal case worker and are holding a bed for her. However, they want to wait until school is out to avoid any confusion. So twenty more days until we do our "visit" and then hopefully she is in! This is only the first step, and while it does give us some hope, we are cautious about relaxing just yet. We have experienced too many other false starts to believe this one just yet. Hopefully we can keep yesterday's fight on the down-low, but you never know what she will choose to brag about in an interview. I just hope they don't ask...

Oh yeah -- looks like she shaved her eyebrows again, too! That will help her blend with the other children, I'm sure!

They lost it...

2008-05-13T16:17:00.000-07:00

So, last week we worked with Lutheran Social Services to complete and submit an application to a local children's home. The home reviews applicants on Thursdays. Last time, when they rejected her, they got back to us on Monday. This time, Monday came and went without a word, so today I called Lutheran to see it they heard anything, but I only got voicemail. DH & I went to see TT again today. It was a bizarre, rather useless session except for one thing. He called Lutheran and got through. The case worker agreed to call and find out what is going on. She soon called back saying that the intake manager "believed" that she was accepted, but wanted to confirm and would let us know before the end of the day.

When I got back to the office, I got a call from Lutheran's saying that the home can't seem to find her application. Doesn't think they DID review her app last week, and asked that Lutheran's resubmit it. So, now we wait for another Thursday review. Don't know if their mistake will maybe make them a little more open to receiving her or not, but this is just more of the same disappointment from these agencies that are so often inept.

In the session, TT voiced concern for DD since we don't really engage her. I told him that is not at all what I would call a healthy relationship, but that THIS was OUR survival mode now. So while everyone is so concerned with the best interests of the child, but not concerned at all on the impact she has on our family that we had to take measures to protect ourselves. Trying to have a simple conversation with her quickly becomes a painful exercise--and what would we talk about? What she plotted Friday while my mom babysat? Why she likes to dress like a ragged orphan everyday? Why she insists on breaking every rule, every chance she gets?

She has taught me that nothing I say matters or changes anything. The very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I'm done with that cycle.

So anyway - once again -- cross your fingers and send good thoughts. It almost sounded like we were in today, so maybe that is an indication of things to come...

Happy Birthday to Me

2008-05-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

So yesterday we went to see TT -- just DH and I. A completely different mood this time. He wrote me last week saying that he heard that we did not immediately place DD in a facilty and wanted to talk to us about continuing therapy in the interim. TT wanted to know what our plan was and how he could help. We told him that we should know by Monday if DD is accepted into a local, long-term children's home. If she is not, we would pursue a residential treatment center again. He is now our mentor, our coach to help get her into a long term facility and keep her there until she is 18. He advised us on what to do and not do, what to say and not say, and offered that if we ever had any questions to call or email him and he would be happy to counsel us.

He told us to not get in the way...here is what he meant.

When the facility calls to get permission to medicate her, I planned to say, "no--get to know her for 30 days before you medicate her." He told me to do no such thing. Said that would show that we were still invested in her and the facility would interpret that as a need to get her back into the house. He said to let them drug her--and commented that of course they wouldn't give her a lethal dosage, so let go.

I told him that I wanted some kind of assurance that this would be a long-term placement -- a year at a minimum-- because I don't want to get her back in 30 days all drugged up and with new, ganster behaviors. He said to let her go to any place she is accepted for as long as they will take her--even if it is only 24 hours. He said that we are trying to build a case and even if she is only in for a few hours, showing that, for example, she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital seven times in one year only helped our case.

Again - he told me to not get in the way of the plan. He said we had done the hard part of making a decision and now we needed to stick with it. Told us to not go visit her other than the mandated family therapy sessions. Told us to just flat out say NO to including DS in the sessions. I told him that I did that last time and that is what started all the problems. He said they cannot force the issue, but as I recall it was our insurance saying that everyone in the home had to be in the sessions, so we may have a battle at hand.

He offered to continue seeing us -- just us--to help us through this process and to help us with the grieving process; and there is definitely some grief here. I think I have already grieved a lot, but there is still something really powerful, just under the surface, that caused me to burst into tears just upon hearing him offering to help us through the grief.

It seems that once we made this decision, he changed positions. He is no longer attempting to help us unite with DD, he is now attempting to help us survive all of this. He seems to now be the advocate that we were told we would have 9 months ago--only not to help dissolve the adoption, just to get her out of our house permanently.

The way this works, supposedly, is if she gets into this local facility, they will accept the minimal payment, and we are OK with that. The local program is set up for 9 - 12 months. During those 9 months, Lutheran Social Services will start the paperwork to apply for the state of Texas to take back "temporary custody" of DD, allowing the State to then pay for a much longer solution -- basically a girls home until she is 18.

If she is not accepted to the local place, we will then apply to the same residential treatment center (RTC) she was in last time. Why the same one? Well, because the battle is the same -- she has too many issues for this local place, but not enough issues for a RTC. The catch -- the stupid place she was in last time, the place that fought me so hard while I was trying to get her admitted, upon our removing her from that facility, made us sign a medical release form stating that we were removing her against their medical advice and in the exit evaluation they did on DD they gave her a GAF score of 38 (out of 100) which is barely functioning and they were basically medicating her for Bi-polar disorder. They would have a lot of explaining to do if they now said that she did not qualify--but I suppose it is always possible that they still could not accept her. Nothing surprises me anymore with these places. So - she would go in under our insurance, until it maxed out. Then Lutheran would pay for another 3 months, and in all that time Lutheran would be working on that same application to get the state to take temporary custody so they can then be responsible for her care.

Then, until she is 18, we could be the "Disney Parent" usually described in divorces. We could be the ones doing the monthly visit of taking her out to eat or getting her a gift and since we would no longer be her authority figure, she just might like us then. She might actually thrive in an institution with no familial expectations, or love expectations. She would just have to take care of herself and not think about anybody else--and she is pretty good at that.

So, send lots of good vibes tomorrow while DDs application goes through the review process. This local facility would be the best for multiple reasons, but this is the same place that rejected her back in September for having too many issues. This would be the best for her and for us, so while I have no high hopes or expectations, it sure would make life easier and I will calmly wait for their decision.

Today's Headlines

2008-04-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

Just a quick look at CNN and the headlines jumped out at me. So much abuse taking place. So many damaged people in the world. It is all devastating and no one deserves such treatment, but once the damage is done, intensive treatment is mandatory. Simply removing the victim from the abuse, medicating them, and shipping them off to some well-meaning family is not a solution. This process only spreads the pain and the destruction.

Seeing what horrors exist for children, it also maddens me that because we cannot repair the years of damage done to the child in our home, we are now the bad guys. After years of abuse and neglect from her birth family and further years of neglect, cover-up, and instability from the state's custody, we are just the last one holding the bag and get to pay the price. If we try to return this child to the state and demand that THEY do something REAL to help this kid, we are then charged with criminal and civil child abandonment. These charges would definitely keep us from ever adopting again --- not something we are really considering anyway --- but could also hurt our careers and possibly our finances. Because we've given it an exhausting try for almost three years and now realize that we cannot help her, we get to be the criminals. She has never lived anywhere as long as she has lived with us. She has never attended the same school for more than one year, but has attended 5th - 7th grade here. She is settled in some ways, and she wants to hold on to that--to her school, her routine, but she has no desire to hold on to us. She would like to be placed in another home in the same neighborhood or sent to boarding school. She really does not understand the issue here. Her whole life has been high drama, incompatability, and getting into trouble. She cannot understand why we want change. Her personality disorders worked for her--they helped her survive. She cannot let them go and will not let them go. She does not want to change.

In my home

2008-04-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

Think of someone in your past that you have had a conflict with--someone who you think or know hates you. Someone you've never been compatible with. There must be someone--an old neighbor, someone you fired, a co-worker you never clicked with, an ex. Think about that feeling--hate.

Then give that person who hates you the characteristics of no conscience, no remorse, no comprehension or concern for consequences. Make that someone have grandiose fantasies of self-worth and entitlement.

Now put yourself in a position to police that person, for their own protection and your own, causing that person to have stronger feelings of hate and resentment for you.

Now place that person in your home, at night, while you sleep.
___________________________________________________________
Think you will sleep soundly? Think you will be in a healthy state of mind and body?
___________________________________________________________
Now have others call you about this person's behavior outside of the home--wanting you to fix it, or at least hear them vent about it. You now have to answer to this person's problems in other social settings. You are considered part of the problem as you "raised" this person in your home--or so they think.

Then think of people in your immediate circle being affected by this person. Think of your family, your extended family, your neighbors, your community all looking at you to control this person who hates you.

Then turn to the party who placed this person in your home, and ask for their help. Listen to them while they tell you that if you try to get this person out of your house, your options are:

To be charged with criminal and civil abandonment and pay huge legal fee and possible punitive fines
To deal with the system involved in your life and be mandated to visit this person as determined by this party or else fall out of compliance with the deal and get this person back in your home.

________________________________________________________
Getting Hives yet? Losing sleep yet? Blood pressure rising? Fearing for your safety? For your families' safety?
________________________________________________________

Then deal with the bizarre guilt and disappointment in not being able manage this person in your home; for not being able to protect the rest of your family; for not being able to live a peaceful, loving life to the best of your ability.

Out of Nowhere

2008-04-22T16:04:00.000-07:00

Trying to re-enact in my head what just went down at this week's session. Trying to figure out what it is that I must be saying to trigger knee-jerk reactions from therapists. Once again - feeling a little numb.

We didn't have a session last week, but the week before, in one of his bold, arrogant statements, TT said to us that we should never expect a reciprocal effort from DD to make things better--to love us or care about us. Said the best we could hope for might be one day when she is 25 and out of the house, that we might be sitting in our back yard, drinking some wine, and hear about a good decision that she made. And we might feel a little good about that. That's it! I started to tear up with the shock of that brutal honesty. He went on to say - "You picked her! If she were a dog you would have returned her by now!" He now denies saying that, or says he said "no reciprocal RIGHT NOW." My DH & I both know what we heard. Not the first time he recanted something he said.

So - combine the recent, new disorder identified, this statement from the specialist, and two weeks of disappointing behavior from DD. It all just started to feel like busywork to me. Seems like no matter what we do, or how hard we try,
this kid is never going to be a real part of our family. She may never even become a functioning adult in society. So, constantly trying to work with her, to accommodate her, to take care of her, to teach her, to train her, to get her therapy, etc, all feels like I am doing the same 20 Algebra problems over and over and not getting anywhere. I hate Algebra and I am not good at it.

So, I haven't been interacting with her lately. No desire. No energy. She changes persona as we walk into his office and looks all sad and sullen. He asks her what is up and she says that we haven't spoken in two weeks--like NOW it bugs her. He is confused and starts some rapid fire questions. I express my frustration and disappointment and he gets all defensive. Asks me what I want him to do. I said, "She needs intensive help. Once a week is not going to cut it and I cannot take off 5 days a week to be here." He asks "Why Not!?" Duh!! I have to work and can't risk my whole family for this. Next thing I know he is calling Lutheran Social Services trying to get her into the SAME residential treatment center we pulled her from, and he wants an open bed TONIGHT!

WTF??

No one went in with plans to do much of anything other than just endure it. It is a down week--that is all. But he gets all excited and keeps asking what happened. I explained multiple times that it is a combination of all the things I mentioned above but he keeps insisting that I am holding something back and need to tell him what happened? What? Then he got really pissy and said - "What makes you think there is nothing to be done?" I told him his blunt statement two weeks ago started a cascade effect. He then asked if I thought he would continue to treat DD if he really thought there wasn't any hope of helping her. I thought for a second and said "yes." He went nuts! Screaming about the money--which supposedly he doesn't make a penny for these sessions! [yeah - right!! all we talked about was money for the first couple of sessions. He wanted to bill my insurance instead of Medicaid because my insurance paid more--even at 50% because he is not in my insurance network.] He started machine gun blasting me with his rant and I calmly asked if I
could answer his questions and reminded him that I made no mention of money. It was a bit surreal.

Then he started talking long term, because we said we would not put her back in there. He yelled at me for not "liking" the solution!!! Said that she was only in the hospital part, not the long term part. I told him we were given a tour and we only saw one part. Said she would go there as long as possible and then the state would have to offer us "TCM" or something like that. Told him I didn't know what that was. Apparently there is another option that no one has mentioned before. It is where the state takes custody, but she remains "our" kid. They pay for her treatments and then put her in foster care again. What a friggin' mess!!! The state knows they are destroying families with these kids.

On a side note: I am so worried that Texas will dump those 400 cult kids in El Dorado out into the foster system in a year without ever transitioning them to society. They may turn out to be big sibling groups too! How many families will be destroyed trying to take in those kids who've been taught all their life that strangers want to hurt or kill them. They need to be de-programmed, but I'm sure they won't be. It will fall to many families to try to figure it out.

So - we said no to the Residential Treatment center. Said if we wanted to pursue that, that we would call them this summer, when school is out. It all happened so fast and it felt so out of control. If I understand correctly, we are not seeing him anymore either, but I am not sure. I think he was highly offended by me believing him that nothing could really be done. Means he can't do anything. I guess I was thinking he couldn't do anything to bond her to us, but he might be able to make her a little more successful as a human being.

I'm starting to think that therapists are an extremely sensitive, low-self-esteem bunch.

I don't even know what is next. DD cried through this whole exchange. I don't know why the therapists insist on having these conversations in front of her. When I asked her what she wanted she blurted out that she wanted to go to boarding school. Brilliant! He yelled at me for asking her what she wanted asking "What difference does it make what she wants?" Well, I was hoping to see some glimmer of wanting to stay with us. What a fool I am.

Once again, this joyless adventure blindsides me.

A New label

2008-04-17T18:09:00.000-07:00

"A personality disorder is a pattern of deviant or abnormal behavior that the person doesn't change even though it causes emotional upsets and trouble with other people at work and in personal relationships. It is not limited to episodes of mental illness, and it is not caused by drug or alcohol use, head injury, or illness. There are about a dozen different behavior patterns classified as personality disorders by DSM-IV. All the personality disorders show up as deviations from normal in one or more of the following:(1) cognition -- i.e., perception, thinking, and interpretation of oneself, other people, and events;(2) affectivity -- i.e., emotional responses (range, intensity, lability, appropriateness);(3) interpersonal functions;(4) impulsivity."

"Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
While grandiosity is the diagnostic hallmark of pathological narcissism, there is research evidence that pathological narcissism occurs in two forms, (a) a grandiose state of mind in young adults that can be corrected by life experiences, and (b) the stable disorder described in DSM-IV, which is defined less by grandiosity than by severely disturbed interpersonal relations.

If NPD is caused by infantile damage and consequent developmental short-circuits, it probably represents an irremediable condition. On the other hand, if narcissism is a behavior pattern that's learned, then there is some hope, however tenuous, that it's a behavior pattern that can be unlearned.

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy. The disorder begins by early adulthood and is indicated by at least five of the following:

An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
Requires excessive admiration
Has a sense of entitlement
Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends
Lacks empathy
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes"

I believe she has seven of the nine descriptors. This added with her new fascination with writing p0rnn0graffic (altered spelling to avoid spam and freaks) "dreams" and sharing them with classmates makes any progress seem false and our efforts useless. Just a little more disappointment. Checked out a therapeutic camp in Utah that has RAD kids work with horses and requires a one year stay. Appears that only the states of California and Alaska understand that this kind of long-term retraining is critical. Texas Medicaid will not cover it. This place is not on my insurance provider list, but even if they were, my insurance (most insurance companies) will not pay for more than 30-60 days without MEDICAL reason. So, once again if feels like this is a constant, but useless battle.

For more information on this disorder, see http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html

Adjusting the Atlas

2008-02-22T08:58:00.000-08:00

Several interesting sessions lately and definite improvement noticed.

Two weeks ago, TT had DD get up on the table again. This time he had his hands just under her rib cage, looking for her kidneys. He explained that when you are in a constant state of fear -- a fight or flight animalistic survival mode -- your organs tuck up under your ribcage preparing to run or protect the organs in either situation. He could hardly find her kidneys, they were so high.

Through some feedback and getting her to focus on her breathing and calm down and relax, the right kidney eventually dropped, so he moved to the other side of the table. Fortunately, that kidney relaxed as well. And you can see the physical difference. When she first lays on the table (like a massage table) she is very stiff and nervous, and after relaxing her feet fall sideways, her arms sink into the thin mattress, and her spine gives way and touches the mattress.

Since this was successful, he started to hold her neck again, putting some fingertip pressure on her atlas, the highest vertebra in the spine. She never likes this and tenses up again. He explains that this part of her neck, where her spine connects with her brain is very stiff and hard, and should be soft. He always tries to get that part to relax as this is what supposedly keeps her in fight or flight mode. She started to wince and sit up complaining that it hurts. He kept telling her to relax and to lay back, but she could not. He then reached his free arm out and told her to squeeze his arm and try to hurt him (trying to distract her from her discomfort) but she would not, she just became more adamant about her pain. He asked DH to stand closer and for DH to try to squeeze his arm as hard as he could. This didn't distract her at all, but it did distract DH and I, and with this chaos eventually came a quick scream and instant tears. He hurt her.

He immediately started to comfort her and whisper to her that this was good. That he adjusted her atlas and things would get better now. He said "It isn't easy being normal, is it? It is easier to be the crazy girl that nobody deals with, isn't it? You did great! This is great!" as she covered her face with her hands and sobbed. She then complained of a terrible headache. He said this was normal.

I started to get choked up--I don't ever want to see ANYONE in pain--especially a kid--even if that kid has put me through hell. I grabbed my purse for some ibuprofen, then grabbed some tissues. She laid there for another 5-10 minutes while he tried to comfort her.

When we got home, I researched what it was he just did. It looks like it is an old-school chiropractic method, and while he is not a licensed chiropractor, it seems to have made some difference. He immediately said the atlas area softened. I wish I would have felt the before and after to know what he was talking about. the effect is not permanent though, so this may require multiple attempts.

Then this week, he spent the whole hour explaining the therapy plan to all of us. He said that DD is ready to move to the next phase, which will be a lot less talk and a lot more physical. He drew a fabulous diagram for us that I will try to recreate and post later. It all made sense.

In the meantime, DD has not only started to tell the truth, she tells us that she was about to tell us a lie, then thought about it, and told the truth anyway. This is FRIGGIN' HUGE!!! We make a big, positive deal about these truths, even if they are ugly truths.

Also, we went to a family event last weekend, and had no drama!! We are not sure if this was progress, or because none of the boys were there (it was a girly wedding shower). The wedding is in early April, so it will be interesting to see if we see the improvement then.

Anyway - so much more hope now on the DD scene.

Now if I could get my psycho step-mom to play nice, life might just be peaceful. I won't hold my breath!

Slowing the Mind

2008-01-30T14:02:00.000-08:00

So, our therapy session yesterday seemed light--almost useless at the time, but it was not.

TT used Somatic Experience treatment yesterday, which basically entailed DD laying on a table/bed while TT laid his hands under her shoulders and gave her some verbal feedback about twitches and twinges in her body. This is supposedly past trauma meeting "road blocks" in her body. Pretty soon, she became attuned to the twitches as well and they would announce the latest twitch in unison. She slowed her mind and focused on her body and what it was doing without her even knowing. At the end of the hour she was very relaxed and able to think and speak a little more thoughtfully--not quite so hyper and spastic. He was able to quiet her mind a bit and allow her to make more mature decisions in this moment.

OK - so an hour of watching her lay on a table didn't seem like much. We were starting to doze off ourselves, but the effects lasted into the evening. She was able to explain herself, her actions, and her thoughts with a little more ease and we were able to follow along a little better. Homework went a little smoother. The best example--at almost 9:00 PM - bedtime--she came downstairs, grabbed the vacuum and headed back upstairs. Expecting some bizarre, circular, explanation I cautiously asked her what she was doing. Of course her first response was, "I'm going to vacuum my room." So I had to ask the clarifying question of "Why" are you vacuuming at 9:00 PM. She actually told the truth. She stated that she somehow broke her blush (make-up) and that is somehow got all over the place.

Knowing that she destroyed the carpet in her room a long time ago there was no sense of urgency to get it cleaned or to wonder how bad it really was, there was just the opportunity to thank her for her honesty and let her go on her merry way. Which I did. And she did.

May not seem like much, but it showed that she finally felt safe enough to tell me the truth and because of her truth there was no escalation and the night ended peacefully. Hopefully we can continue this trend and hopefully slowing her mind more will allow her to make more good decisions when it comes to telling us the truth.

Small victory with a big impact. :) Oh - and she got all of the blush up from the carpet, too!

Latest Developments...

2008-01-20T15:13:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a while since I've updated this blog. Part of the reason for the delay is just trying to catch up with life after the holidays, but part is also because of the "relative calm."

The therapy has been amazing...

The week between Christmas and New Year's was very nice--peaceful, well, until New Year's Day itself, and then things deteriorated for the next week with high drama and a lot of BS from DD. A LOT.

Perhaps we cannot afford a two week gap in therapy at this stage. Or maybe it was too much free time over the holiday break. Whatever it was, it gave our therapist a whole new repertoire to work with--and she did not like it one bit! She totally shut down during one session and refused to speak for the second half. While it would appear that we made no progress in that session, and the therapist (TT) actually declared it "No Progress" before he dismissed her to the lobby, something quite remarkable happened on the way home. She opened up and vented to DH. She was so angry at her new enemy, that DH was now someone she would turn to for comfort.

"I don't like him. He was getting all in my business. He was trying to get into my feelings!" - DD

DING! DING! DING!!! YES!!!!
That is it!!! He IS trying to get into your feelings! We all are!!! That is what this is ALL about! To get you to FEEL your impact on the world. To get you to FEEL empathy, sympathy, remorse, sorrow, anger, happiness, joy, peace, safe, and most importantly --- for you to feel love.

I would so love to lock us all up in a room for two days until she really cracks. I think TT could do it. Now after two sessions since the holidays, she is Miss Merry Sunshine - trying very hard to get along, even with my DS who still does not trust her and her efforts. She has a lot of repair to do there.

The coolest thing is to be able to use his words to define behaviors later at home--"See - you still refuse to own your garbage. You want to blame everyone else and are totally incapable of sincerely apologizing." She gets it. It is like shorthand. She still is unable to apologize for even the littlest of things, but she may just be feeling something inside. Don't know for sure, but we are learning how to better deal with her actions and how to stop things from escalating out of control, like they used to.

Things are not perfect--probably never will be--and we will likely spend years on his couch, but so long as he continues to produce tiny hairline fractures in her armor, we can still hold out hope that maybe one day she will love us---or at a minimum, respect us.

RAD making world news

2007-12-20T07:40:00.000-08:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20071219/wl_time/cananadoptedchildbereturned

So, I don’t know the details of this case, and I obviously don’t know any of the people involved, but if they are truly dealing with attachment disorder, I feel sorry for the family. What makes this case difficult is that they adopted when the little girl was four months old. At four months it is possible that the child is already affected by RAD, but at four months the therapy would not be as difficult to help the child attach—versus therapy for an older child. Unfortunately, if the family is unaware of the disorder, it would be difficult to deliver the right types of treatment.

Having considered the option of dissolving our adoption of a RADish, I know that this decision is not made lightly. Even thinking about it causes great stress and discomfort, but then the first time you articulate that thought to anyone, you know that you have crossed over to a new phase of possibility—a very frightening and disappointing phase.

No one goes into an adoption thinking that one day you may choose to relinquish that child back into the system—it would never cross your mind. Choosing to adopt is not a light decision either. Usually you consider it for months or even years before you ever make the first phone call. Then there are orientation meetings, lots of forms to fill out, interviews, studies, training, and one of the deepest invasions into your personal life you may ever experience. At any stage of this process, you can back out if you don’t think adoption is the path for you. Even going through Foster-Adoption, where during the PRIDE training, the worst-case scenario is played out for you to some extent, you may still decide that you want to do this. Even when the little-known statistic that 90-95% of the kids in Foster Care have been sexually abused is revealed, you may still chose to fight for this kid and try to do right by this child. You have the hope that you can make a difference—that you can parent this child, and you commit to this unknown person long before you ever have a name or a face to connect to this person.

Making the decision to dissolve an adoption attacks that commitment; attacks your efforts, your hopes and dreams for the child and your entire family. Dissolving is an admission of failure—something not easily swallowed or ever invited. The process of dissolving varies across the globe, but it is never an easy process—and rightfully so. So, for someone to make the decision to go forward with plans to dissolve, their lives must already be a living hell; a hell that relates to that child.

The child is not at fault, some adult failed this child to cause this condition, so of course, everyone empathizes with the kid seeming to be discarded again as unwanted. There is nothing pretty about it. There are no winners in dissolution, but sometimes the long term effect can be better for all. The family can start to heal and recover and try to find peace again in their lives and the kid can try a new situation that may not put so many demands for attachment on him or her. While it appears that the kid is being “left behind” or “taken away” from the only family they’ve ever known, the reality is that if there is no attachment, the kid may not feel that way at all. The kid may feel some relief from the pressure to deliver an attachment that they are incapable of providing. The kid may miss their lifestyle or their possessions more than anything.

Again, this case is difficult because she was so young when adopted—they could have built a bond with the infant. But if the family never got the information they needed—never got any diagnosis of the potential disorder—then they were handicapped from the beginning. The article mentions that they tried intense therapy, but being in the throws of that therapy now, I can see that the treatments can be exhausting with only a minute trace of possible change. Having such public exposure (through the father’s career) to such a personal trauma cannot make the process any easier—which leads me to believe that this family may be desperate for change. Sounds like they have the means to still take care of her through other resources without having to interact too much with her—through nannies and other caregivers—so to save face they could have chosen to keep her, and keep this all quiet, but the situation pushed them to risk all just to find peace again.

At this point, we are no longer considering dissolution—we are working very hard to salvage our relationship with DD, but we know first-hand how difficult a journey this is, with only two years under our belt. This Dutch family has eight years of this experience. I sincerely hope that they tried everything and that the family and the girl all find peace and happiness in their lives. I hope that those who judge this family without fully understanding the situation learn more about the circumstances and the challenges. Most of all, I sincerely hope that this family is not misleading the public, using attachment disorder as an excuse to relinquish their obligations to this girl when there is really something else going on. They would do a horrible disservice to anyone associated with adoption or anyone working through attachment disorder.

Breakthrough?

2007-12-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

We all sat on the couch, facing TT. DH on one end, me on the other, and DD in the middle. He asked her how she was doing. She said she was tired. He asked her how she knew she was tired. She said she was sleepy. He asked her how she knew she was sleepy; what did that feel like? She said she was yawning and her eyes were heavy. He asked what that felt like. She couldn't quite describe it. There was some awkward silence while she squirmed and picked at her cuticles, and she finally said, "I don't know." He then said, "so is that an excuse to not participate tonight?" "No! No!" she exclaimed. This is how the session began.

He then asked how her week was and she answered that it was a fun weekend. He asked her to explain, and as she did, he kept interrupting her to ask clarifying questions, then would take her back a step in the story and make her repeat herself, and explain every detail, all the while he commented on her physical behavior. "You are getting very tense. Do you notice that?" No. "Slow down, breathe. Do you feel how anxious you get and how fast you are talking? I need you to breathe. Go ahead and breathe. I can't hear it. Take a deep breathe. Oh look. There's that face. Wow, we made it 24 minutes before I saw that face. That 'I want to kill you face.' What does that mean?" He called her on everything.

Then she made a gesture with her hands while telling a story and he stopped her and made her repeat the gesture. Asked her to move her hands in that same motion very slowly. While she was starting to do that, he kept talking and she dropped her hands. He pointed out that she quit - to put her hands back up. She did and he started talking, she again dropped her hands. He said, "Wow, you quit on me again. You are so quick to give up. Are you willing to try again?" This went on over and over again for about 10 minutes until she really threw him a look, which he constantly pointed out to her. He asked her how she kept this look from other people because this was a really big part of her. He pointed out how many times she quit and how easy it was for her to quit. Then he said the word "hopeless" came to mind. That she always quit because she thought it was all hopeless, so why try. Why try to get along? Why try to love and be loved? Why try to succeed. Said she needed to stop quitting and needed to try.

We sat there silently watching this all through the corners of our eyes. Occasionally, when she got uncomfortable, she looked to her left, towards DH, like looking for help. Eventually TT pointed out that she kept looking to him, but that in 45 minutes she had not looked at me once. He asked why? Wanted to know what was going on. She gave her usual "nothing" response. He then turned to me and asked if I was willing to participate. I said yes.

He had DH leave the couch and sit in a big chair facing us. He had DD stand up, then had me move to the far end of the couch. He told DD to sit to the right of me. Then told her to put her feet up on the couch and put her head in my lap. This was extremely difficult for her to grasp for some reason, so TT, a very large man, stood up, scooped up DD and placed her whole upper torso across my lap. He grabbed DD's right hand and put her arm under mine and around my waist, behind my back. I basically cradled her in my arms. He grabbed DD's left arm and placed her hand on my right shoulder.

He told DD to look in my eyes and tell him what she saw. She looked at me for a second and said "frustration" then looked away. Then dropped her hand from my shoulder. He put her hand back on my shoulder and told her to continue looking into my eyes. She did for a second, laughed nervously, and looked away again. He told her to keep looking into my eyes. She really couldn't do it for more than a few seconds.

He then told her to touch my face. I started to get emotional and tear up. She put her closed left hand on my right cheek. He pointed out that she had a fist on my face, and that she was fighting me. She denied it. He told her to open her hand and touch my face, then he noticed my tears. He said, "Whoa! That doesn't look like frustration to me. What do you see now?" She said sadness, and dropped her hand from my face. He said, "Wow. You are quitting again. You keep quitting your mom. This is not your roommate or your caregiver, this is your mom. She is not quitting you, but you keep quitting her. Touch her face without me placing your hand on her face, and look her in the eyes." She did it, but quickly looked away again, trying to laugh it off. He kept redirecting her. She finally lasted about 15 seconds. Then he told her to keep her eyes open, but to touch my whole face as if she were blind. To explore my face. She just couldn't do it. She never did.

He commented on how freaky it was that we looked so much alike. She immediately said, "You should see me and my brother." He said, "wow! you rejected her again. I told you you look like your mom and you immediately take that focus away and talk about your brother. Like - no way do I look like her." You can't look at her. You can't touch her. You can't even believe that you look like her so you keep quitting her."

He made her touch my face again and really stare into my eyes. She looked at me, smiled, squirmed, arched her back, shifted her hips, and he pointed it all out. All her physical reactions to touch, to closeness, to love. Her physical discomfort--her rejection to this closeness. He asked, "Does this feel strange? Are you uncomfortable?" She giggled and bobbed her head shoulder to shoulder like a "sort of" kind of answer. He pointed out how much her body revealed her discomfort then asked if she knew why she was so uncomfortable. She said she didn't know. He paused for a minute.

"Because this is the only mother who's ever held you like this."

She nodded in agreement. She had no other reaction. I was choking from the flood of tears I was holding back. He asked her is she wanted me to be her mom and she shook her head yes. Then he asked her if she wanted to be my daughter, and again she shook her head yes. He then told us to hug. I pulled her close and rocked her a bit while I rubbed her back. We have never hugged like that. Never. She always puts her head down so there is great distance between her body and yours--she tucks the top of her head into your chest. She let go way before I did. He then told her to go wait in the lobby.

He handed me some tissues and asked if we had any questions. He then said he talked to his associate and explained that she misunderstood him completely. He never planned to call CPS--he offered that as a way out for us if this was too hard. This is what my DH thought he meant, but his associate was adamant that he meant to call because of the neglect of this child. He heard us yelling in her office yesterday. He denied everything she told us. He totally threw her under the bus. I told him that we would never see her again. He said we didn't have to. I told him that I came tonight to fire him. He said, "you still can fire me." I told him no, that I liked what I saw, and I think it will have an impact but that yesterday I felt totally attacked and threatened by him and his associate.

We talked it all out, and as he was leading us out of his office towards the lobby, he said, "And if you do want to fire me, just do it over the phone, don't come say it to my face, that would just hurt too much." Told him "Sorry, you will know if I am going to fire you. I just don't know how else to be, but honest, so I would probably tell you to your face." We laughed about it, but I am serious.

I am totally emotionally drained. My eyes are glassy and puffy and my nose is all red and I have a headache. I am once again cautiously hopeful that this guy might make a difference. He said she will need years of therapy, probably all the way through High School. I said that is OK, as long as there is progress, growth, learning. I just cannot face years of therapy with no change. I again said I need a Helen Keller/Miracle Worker water pump moment. She doesn't have to know sign language fluently, she just needs to understand that it exists. She doesn't have to be fluent in "human" she just has to know we exist and she has impact on us outside of her busy head.

We also have an appointment with a neuropsychologist on the 13th--just DH & I for the initial assessment. Then we will see if insurance approves testing and maybe later, therapy. I'm not putting all my eggs in TT's basket just yet.

More Disappointment

2007-12-03T17:58:00.000-08:00

So last week, when TT asked DD how her Thanksgiving was, DD stated in her session that she lost 12 pounds in a week and insinuated that we don't feed her, saying she only gets one portion at meals, and that she is hungry at lunch. The therapist asked her if she asked for more, did she get it, and she said yes and said that she was fine. He asked what she eats at lunch and she listed 4-5 items, and said she was fine.

She DID NOT lose 12 pounds that week--which by the way was Thanksgiving week and oh yeah - she stayed at my father's for the week because school was out and he watched her for us. We took all sugar out of the house a year ago and I have lost 40 pounds, my son lost 30, my DH lost 20 and she lost 12 at the most! AND we took her off all the meds that were making her gain weight. She was OVERWEIGHT a year ago and gorging on foods--eating the lunch we packed and getting another lunch in the cafeteria. She would eat three plates of food at dinner and still claim to be hungry. BIG plates of food.

So, in our first and second session the therapist told us just how terribly damaged she was and that he saw four personalities and that she had a lot of trauma to overcome, and he took DH in the hall and literally said, "She is fu_ _ed up." but we went in today to find out that he considered calling CPS because she said she lost 12 pounds. He's never weighed her, she is not sickly skinny AT ALL, and he has no proof of neglect but considered calling CPS.

THIS is the support we are getting. THIS is the help we are getting. I am supposed to not get angry, but when I feel that my family is threatened by a LIE from a RAD kid and that someone with authority is prepared to take action on that lie without even ASKING us about it first, this doesn't help anger subside. How can an acclaimed RAD-specialist act on a false accusation like that--especially when she kept ending with "but I'm fine" and when asked clarifying questions she stated that the portions were big and she could have more if she asked for it?

Thing is, I am not even mad at her--this is what she does, and this is why we are begging for help. I am mad at the so-called specialist and his associate for even talking about calling CPS. She is RAD! One of the primary descriptions of a RAD kid is LIES and FALSELY ACCUSES. The associate that we see talked about neglect because of the 12 pound loss and because she hangs out in her room watching TV. She is 12. What do 12 year olds do? This is how we keep peace in the house - we don't engage too much because of the lies and the manipulation attempts. We are holding out, waiting for a breakthrough before we get too involved with her more and while she is upstairs watching Hannah Montana, and listening to her Cheetah Girls CDs and doing homework, we are being considered neglectful. We drive her to school everyday, pick her up most days (some days the kids have to walk home) and we go to therapy twice a week, and we are neglectful. She has Attachment Disorder. I cannot make her attach--I do not know how and I am desperately looking for a way to do that, but until then, I cannot make things right between us.

When we go out with other people, she instantly takes off with the new people. We went to a school sports activity on Friday night and she took off with another girl. No biggy, but at the end of the night came the request to spend the night with a stranger. Saturday we went to an extended family Christmas party out of town. As soon as she walked in she took off with newly met second-cousins and we never really saw her again until we left. On Sunday, we went to a surprise party for a friend I worked with 10 years ago. DD ran to be up front to open the big barn doors and yell surprise to a woman she never met. She ran outside to be with others. Then she told the owner of the ranch that she worked with horses quit a bit and the owner let DD run all over the party pulling a big horse behind her. She has NOT worked with horses quite a bit, but she led the woman to believe that she did, so she could get what she wanted. She never sat or stood near us--most probably didn't know she was with us. She is detached. She leaves us constantly. Probably since her second month with us she has preferred to hang with strangers--this is what RAD kids do. But her hanging in her room means we neglect her.

These are therapists numbers 5 and 6, psychiatrist number 3, and psychologist number 2 in two years. NEGLECT?!?!? If we neglected her would we be trying so hard to make this work? The countless hours we've spent reading, researching, filling out forms, driving to therapists and doctors all over a 50+ mile radius, leaving work for sessions, for phone calls, for school meetings, etc. NEGLECT!?!?!? We are begging for help and we get accused of neglect. I could easily quit this all and just go underground with her--seeing no one, just waiting out the time until she grows up and moves out, or runs away, or whatever, but that is not what we are doing. We are allowing all kinds of people to ask us all kinds of questions, we are opening ourselves up and getting analyzed by all kinds of people and trying to find a solution to help DD and to help our family and we are getting no where. Extremely frustrating.

Tomorrow is her session with TT. Both DH and I will attend. This will be our final session with him. We will now pursue a neuropsychologist. I'm done with therapists.

Cautious Hope

2007-11-15T11:20:00.000-08:00

So, I don't want to get too excited. I don't want too get optimistic, but the session that DH took DD to was not at all what we expected.

My husband said it was like watching an exorcism and that he wholly expected DD's head to start spinning at any minute.

Apparently the therapist, we will call him TT (for The Therapist) played her like a harp, switching personas quicker than her, pulling out all her traits, pretty and ugly, and calling her on her BS. He went from empathetic, supportive, to harsh, confronting, to happy, distracted, to focused, unrelenting--all while never raising his voice or getting too emotionally involved. DH tried to correct an incorrect answer that DD gave to one question and TT said, "See, your father is trying to rescue and protect you. See how much he cares for you. Now - Dad - you need to just observe and not comment, OK."

DH said that DD looked to him desperately several times throughout the session and he just shook his head and nodded towards TT--letting her know that SHE needed to answer this. TT would not accept her usual "I don't know" answers and would really push her when she repeated it. DH said he exposed the different personas that DD likes to throw at people during different situations.

When it was over, TT took DH into the hall and literally said, "She is F'd up. Sorry." He said that he witnessed four different personalities - the 2-year old, the happy, friendly one, the sexually-flirtatious one, and the bitch. We recognize all those as different personas--not necessarily schizo personalities like Sybil--but there are many more that he has yet to see. Still, he saw a lot in a relatively short time.

One way or another, TT had a great impact on DH. Either this is the path we will go down to actually crack open this kid and maybe really get to see the little girl that must be buried in there somewhere, or this tactic was just his way to get us to buy into him and his practice, letting us know that HE KNOWS what we are going through and what we are dealing with--then turn the sessions into a poor DD treatment. [To read about him and his theories, I expected us to be required to bottle feed her and cradle her.] I don't know, and I don't care, but if this guy can really deliver all that he proudly boasts that he can do, then I will become his biggest cheerleader, praising his name, promoting his work, and pimping him out any way that I can. I will go back to all the naysayers who urged us to stay away from him and will do my best to re-educate them.

The other interesting development is that TT was angry that we were billed for our couples session. Said he had already worked out the billing with our insurance, Medicaid, and Lutheran and that he would get our money back. Said we would not pay a thing for it. So, this week he is a hero. I will proceed with cautious hope. I guess this is the "fun" part of the roller coaster.

Cost of compliance

2007-11-13T07:29:00.000-08:00

So, we went to see the new therapist - the woman who works in conjunction with the RAD specialist. This was our couples therapy, so we could learn to deal with our issues. Because our issues are what keep us from helping DD's issues. We are dysregulated when we respond to her with anger, frustration, disappointment, or sadness. We are projecting our issues and our fears when we respond to her. We cannot help her until we heal our issues.

...

...

...

OK - I'll play along. Let's dig into MY "shit," because it is so obvious that WE are the problem here. Fine. I'm willing to learn new techniques--obviously what we are currently doing is not working. And why not? It has to be much more satisfying for a therapist to work with a functioning adult than try to work with an emotionally disturbed child--much easier to measure "success" if they can reprogram us and not really work on her. I understand the logic.

...

...

So we spend the hour and a half telling DD's story and telling our story for the umpteenth time. At the end of the session she asks if this timeslot works well for us because she has a lot of people screaming for this later timeslot. We said sure - we appreciate the 4:00 appointment. Her schedule was packed and we were pretty lucky to get this time. So then she asked for a check. Absolutely. I naively ask how much--thinking it would be a co-pay of $20 or maybe $40 for a specialist. Nope. I was wrong. $187.50. OK - Will it be $187.50 every Monday? Why yes - yes it will be. No insurance coverage? She does not file insurance and is not on our plan. Medicaid? No - not without the child in the room. Well...

Congratulations! You just cleared your Monday afternoon schedule. We will not spend $1000 a month on therapy. His co-pay for seeing DD is $40 a week, plus her $187.50 to see us?! No ma'am. My poor DH will face the battle today when he takes DD in for her therapy with the specialist. 1) Because the therapist insists the mother be there and unfortunately I won't be there, and 2) because he will learn that we are not going to do the couples therapy. Should be fun!

I guess we are just bad parents who will not cooperate. Oh well, we still get to see the new psychiatrist that no one has any faith in. Maybe he can just sedate her so we can get parent points there for drugging her, because that is the responsible thing to do.

Sorry - I am in a very sarcastic, cynical mood.

More and more and more...

2007-11-07T18:00:00.000-08:00

So, to please those who might judge us, we are trying several new things in tandem.

We got the new pscyh eval and no surprises there. A Psychologist who rarely gives a RAD diagnosis said this case was undeniable. She then offered to try to help us find a new psychiatrist, not liking the name of the new one we will see after Thanksgiving. She also offered to look into the RTC she works with weekly. Told her we were open to anything right now. She was also not too thrilled with our new therapist choice.

Our new therapist is the ONLY one in town designated as a RAD specialist. I have resisted him for a year--not particularly agreeing with his philosophies, and not hearing anything good about his ability to work with older kids--but us not seeing him is viewed by some as not trying everything. So we saw him yesterday. He wants DH & I to go see his associate for 1 1/2 hours every week and then come in with DD for one hour another day of the week. Missing work and DD missing school. He suggested that this may take years. When asked why we needed this hour and a half for us, he plainly stated that when we "start digging in her shit, your shit is going to come up." Something to look forward to, I'm sure. So we agreed to try.

We let the school know that she will miss half a day every week until further notice. [His office is about 45 minutes away.) So far, they are supportive, knowing the issues that she is having in the classrooms. He insists that I need to be there for each of her sessions as well, as RAD is usually associated with rejection from the birth mother, so this is a mother issue. We tried to explain to him that DH is the primary caregiver, spending more time with both kids, but he disagreed. Unfortunately, I cannot take two afternoons off each week, so I am sure we will be seen as uncooperative when DH shows up with DD instead of me, but that is the best we can do. If I get fired from my job there won't be all this juicy insurance money to bilk for this new therapy. This man, of course, thinks that RTC is useless for DD and he says that the Psychologist we saw NEVER gives a RAD diagnosis.

The Psychiatrist we are to see after Thanksgiving is not well regarded by anyone, but he is the ONLY one that ANYONE can find that is taking new patients. We have also been told that we might not be trying everything to help DD because we do not have her medicated. So we are going to see the Psychiatrist so he can medicate her. There is no drug for RAD, but we need to do "everything to help her."

Of course, with each new resource there comes a mountain of papers to fill out. The same old questions, again and again. So, we get to stay up late filling out more and more forms, faxing, e-mailing, snail-mailing stuff, then go to work and make and take calls to set-up all the appointments, then take time off work to attend all these session, and of course, write checks everywhere. All this while dealing with the little bundle of joy in our home.

My mother has already suggested that we not all spend the holidays together as it is too stressful and uncomfortable with DD and her behaviors. Actually, the thought of buying Christmas gifts for DD is so uncomfortable. Just kind of stumps me.

Missing two afternoons of work this week to attend all these new sessions has put me behind. I go in early and stay late to try to catch up. There was also a school meeting last night and I did some volunteer work through my job that I signed up for months ago, so yesterday was a long one. I feel like I am running on empty at times. I am just kind of numb to all the DD stuff anymore. We are just going through the paces when it comes to this. I'm still emotional about it all, but the emotions have settled a little deeper under the surface for now. Perhaps when we start "digging into our shit" next week, things will bubble up again. Not sure yet what that will really mean to me or to DD's life.

The Roller Coaster Ride Continues...

2007-10-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

We are back to square one again with her. We are not pursuing dissolution now, as Lutheran feels that the judges in our particular county will rake us over the coals stating that we haven't tried everything since we haven't put her back on drugs. She has been on so many combinations of so many drugs for over 6 years, and has had the same behaviors and issues throughout. Not sure what anyone expects will change, but fine, we will play along. Otherwise, we need to be prepared to shell out an initial $5K for a lawyer, to get charged with child abandonment, and to possibly pay child support to the state until her 18th birthday.

We cannot find a psychiatrist to treat her that is on our insurance plan, takes Medicaid, or is contracted with Lutheran Services--if we do find one, they are not taking any new patients. So getting her on drugs has posed a challenge, even to Lutheran. Our fourth therapist just dismissed us--and scheduled new people in our time slot--saying that when she recommended dissolution to Lutheran she didn't expect to see us again. No RTC will take her because she isn't cutting anyone--not crazy enough, and the Children's Homes will not take her because she has too many behaviors--too crazy. We can't fix this. She can't fix this. Nobody else will fix this, and if we try to get out of this, we are the bad guys. It is not a pretty picture. There is no end in sight. We just try to limit interaction.

We get the results of her latest psych eval on the 5th. Not sure what to expect or what that will do for us. I think my next move is to write to every RAD-specialized treatment center in the country, documenting the effort, to see if any of them will work with the insurance/Medicaid that we have available. We will no longer even play with the idea of getting a $60K loan to try to get her one year of help somewhere--with absolutely NO guarantee of any improvement.

We got a call from a teacher on Friday saying that she has tried very hard to work with DD and her behaviors but that she is at her wits end. She cannot seat her next to anyone without problems and when an incident escalated on Friday, she eventually asked DD to join her in the hall. At first, she refused, but eventually left the classroom. She continued to confront the teacher in the hall, escalating it further until the teacher said she would have to call her parents. At that point, DD went into her "Jerry Springer" mode and said "Oh no you won't!" The teacher was shocked and tried again to calm the situation, but nothing worked. She again said she would have to call us, to which DD again said. "No, you won't be calling my parents."

When the teacher told DH the story she sounded like she wanted to smack her in that moment. She said that if she had ever talked like that to a teacher that she would have met the back side of her mother's hand when she got home. He told her that we completely understand, and that we have the same issues at home and asked that she simply document everything--because other parties think WE are crazy and over-react. Told her to kick her out, if she had to. Apparently this has been going on since the beginning of the school year and all of the teachers have just been trying to work with her--show her some compassion and patience. Unfortunately, she has worn them out as well.

So - for now we have no therapist. We have no psychiatrist. The psychologist who did the eval only agreed to do the testing, but will not see her as a patient. The only psychiatrist in town with openings refuses to treat her condition. And all of this will reflect on us as not trying everything to help this kid and to "preserve the family." The state knew what they were dealing us, and now we are the ones failing this kid. We get to be the scapegoat for the dozens of people who failed this kid, to get her to this state.

What does a divorce feel like?

2007-10-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

I mean an amicable one, where both parties agree to go their separate ways? I imagine that while there is some relief, there is also a lot of pain and disappointment. I image that both parties had high hopes, dreams, and fantasies about spending the rest of their lives together--becoming a family. Both parties go into the relationship with love and happiness and I would guess that both leave with sadness, loss, and a sense of failure or frustration.

We are at the beginning of the end with DD, and I have such jumbled feelings about the reality of it all. The steps are in motion.

Tonight, at our family session, the therapist first met with us alone. She asked us what we thought about the group session on Saturday. We shared our feelings of devastation, or hopelessness, or sadness from the realization that this won't get better. That we are looking at years of therapy and conflict, without end.

She acted a bit surprised, but then said she made some phone calls today. She called Lutheran Services and recommended that they end this quickly and not make us jump through all the hoops--that it is too painful and destructive for us all, including DD. She recommended that they not pursue RTC and that if they do get her into an RTC that they start the dissolution proceedings while she is in a residential center. She recommended getting DD out of the house as soon as possible, before things get worse. She also recommended that any further therapy be with DD only with the purpose of preparing her for transition and trying to help her learn what role she played in all of this and what she might try to do differently next time. She does not want us to do family therapy anymore--trying to preserve the family--whether it is done through an RTC or through individual therapy. She said that some kids are just not adoptable and that DD may do very well in an institution setting where no one pressures her to bond. Where she has some stability and intensive therapy and guidance. She started the wheels in motion. Tomorrow there is a conference call between the therapist and the staff at Lutheran. She then wants me to call in on Monday to see what options there are and what decision Lutheran makes.

Much like the miscarriage last month, the primary feeling is relief, but there is also a deep pain and a sense of severe loss. A death, if you will. A death of a daughter I've never known, and never will.

The therapist then spoke to DD alone to prepare her for the upcoming events. DD emerged in tears--not for us, but for her school. She was mad. She is ready to leave us, but requested a foster home in our neighborhood. The truth is, it will not be easy for CPS to find a place for her, and they most likely will not grant her request. While I wish her no ill, I really prefer that she NOT be at the same school or in the same neighborhood. We live in a small suburb--too small. In a couple of years, she and DS will both be in High School. I selfishly do not want them in the same school, and I can't imagine running into her in the neighborhood, or local stores in the coming years. That would just be too hard. This will already be extremely difficult as it is. I know that she wants stability, and I completely understand that, but I don't think she has thought through what staying in this area would really mean for her either.

The therapist made it sound like she could be removed pretty quickly, but that the dissolution might take months. I guess I initially envisioned this happening after the holidays. It will be odd if she is gone before Christmas, but so much less complicated for so many people. I do, however, worry about my young nieces and nephew. I'm not sure how they will take this all in. I don't want to hurt them, or frighten them. I'm sure that for the rest of our lives that everyone we know, including them, will at one time or another describe us as the "couple who returned their adoptive daughter after two years." I know this, and I understand this. I would do the same.

When we first read DD's bio, during the adoption process and read that two families tried adopting her and each returned her after 6 to 8 weeks, we were mortified. "How do you return a kid?!?!? This is not a puppy that you take back to the pound! What kind of heartless people were they?" Now I know that they weren't heartless at all. They just saw the signs much clearer and were much more honest with themselves about the level of emotional disturbance this child has and honest about what they knew they could not handle. They did not listen to CPS or the well-meaning CASA worker who dismissed the frightening labels already adhered to DD. They saved themselves and DD from a long, drawn-out failure. They ended it quickly. They both also blind-sided DD--giving her no warning of thier intent to disrupt the adoption process. She came home to packed bags at the door, or was picked up at school by a CPS worker and taken to a foster home.

In wanting to be honest, and show her some respect, we are staying pretty open with her. We are not sure that she is mature enough to handle the truth, or that we are doing the right thing by keeping her informed, but I simply don't know any other way. There is no nice way to remove someone from your house--especially a child. This is all just so ugly.

Picking Fights

2007-10-09T19:42:00.000-07:00

For the past several weeks, DD has been trying to pick a fight with DH every morning as they prepare to leave for school/work. I leave for work before her morning routine begins, and DS is already at school for before-school wrestling practice. Every afternoon, when he picks her up, she tries for more. He has learned to just ignore her as much as possible and to not engage. She feeds off our anger. We've been told that our demonstrations of anger help relieve some of the inner anger she denies having, without her having to deal with it herself. We've been told to stop getting angry. To just let go.

So far she has packed her backpack with toys, jewelry, changes of clothes, novels, etc. She has worn ridiculous clothing combinations and she has put so much product (what exactly we cannot tell) in her hair that she looks filthy and greasy. Trying to tell her that she looks better without, only brings scorn, anger, and a total victim persona from her. Plus, she says that she thinks she looks pretty. She is in the seventh grade. She says everyone is mean to her and she is tired of people calling her names, but trying to protect her from further ridicule makes us mean and bossy in her eyes. We have let go of this battle.

In the afternoons, she has on tons of make-up that other girls provide. None of the other girls have on as much make-up as she wears, and sometimes tries to half-wash off--making her look liked a drowned clown. When asked where she got the make-up, she screams that her friends "made" her put it on. The multi-colors of nail polish on her fingers and toes, layers upon layers of colors all mangled and messed up from being touched and smashed while wet, are another new element she's added. We did not buy her this polish. Somewhere she accumulated several bottles of polish that she now applies daily, without removing the old. We have let go of this battle as well.

We have looked the other way, trying to pick our battles, but apparently she needs to feed. Her anger needs release, and if we don't yell at her, she is stuck having to deal with her own anger.

This morning she packed her backpack again. This time with a couple changes of clothes. When asked why she was taking all the extra clothes, she got angry. He pushed for an answer and she replied, "because I don't like what I am wearing." Mind you, she picks out her clothes--I gave up that battle about 9 months ago. We don't know what she was really planning for the clothes. Perhaps she was going to give them away. Perhaps she was going to change for a certain class or a certain boy. We may never know. My husband did make her take the clothes out of the backpack. When he said "fine, let's get going" and put his hand on her shoulder to guide her towards the garage, she spun around and snapped at him. "Don't touch me!!" He said, "What? Let's go" and again she screamed at him not to touch her.

My fear is that she is gearing up for a big confrontation and is preparing to falsely accuse him of something. She is setting him up for something.

Tonight I approached her to tell her that we know she is looking for a fight. [We have been told to stop asking "Why?" The only answer to that is 'because I am a dumb ass," and no one will ever say that, so don't ask why.] She denied it, but then added that she didn't like anyone grabbing her or her hair.

I asked if DH grabbed her or her hair, and she told me no. Anyone who didn't know us might not know to ask her for that clarification. They may just assume, and understandably so, that what she meant is that he grabbed her so she screamed at him. That is also what she hopes you think when she says things like that. So I stated [again, not asking why] that she screamed at him for trying to get her to school on time and guiding her towards the car. She agreed.

I stated that she was packing all this stuff in her backpack to provoke him and to start a fight, so she responded by saying that DS was talking about her while she was at RTC. That DS told a neighbor that she was at an RTC and that he was cussing about her.

This is a great tactic of hers, to deflect responsibility, to change the focus of the conversation, and to blame someone else. DS doesn't even know what an RTC is, or use the lingo. DS never talks to the girl she claimed told her this about DS. Even if he did--that had nothing to do with this conversation. I shut her down saying I was not talking about DS, I was talking about her behaviors. She still insisted to tell me of DS' alleged actions. I yelled her name once, and shut her down. Told her that this time we would stay focused on her behavior. I asked if she was blaming DS for her packing all the clothes. I asked if she was blaming DS or maybe even DH for lying to me during our last three conversations. I asked if DS was the reason that she back talks to DH everyday? OF course, there is no answer to these ridiculous rhetorical questions.

- - - - - - -

This is a tired conversation. This is a broken record. I don't know why I even bother. I just wanted to put her on notice that I am aware of her recent actions and that I hold her accountable for everything she does and that she needs to stop picking fights with him every morning.

I have no leverage--nothing to bribe or threaten her with to enforce this demand to stop fighting. When someone cares about nothing, there is nothing to lose. There is nothing you can take away from them that matters to them. There is no fear of consequences. There is no desire to please or to not disappoint. I have no tools with this kid. So we wait. We wait until all the players agree that this is done. This is over. Or we wait for her to escalate the process by accusing one of us, even my son, of doing wrong by her, and let the police or CPS end this for us all.

From Adopting.Org
"Being accused of child abuse when you are innocent is a nightmare that many cannot comprehend who have not lived it. False abuse allegation is a life-shattering catastrophe. And it happens to foster and adoptive parents all the time.

Why? Because many of the kids they care for have emotional, mental and behavioral problems. Some of them will use false abuse accusations as a weapon or a tool to get their way. A few are just trying to get attention. Since some of them have been abused in the past by former caregivers, the details of their accusations can sound very convincing."

Group Therapy/Parent Support Group

2007-10-08T09:14:00.000-07:00

Probably not the result they expect…

Saturday morning we attended our first parent support/group therapy session with our therapist. She has a group that she has been seeing for years, and while they don’t currently have room for another family, one family could not make it this weekend and we could attend in their place. There were three other families in attendance—each at different stages of their adoption experience, but all having had their kids for 2-5 years. We had so many similar experiences with our detached kids, but with us being the newbies, they focused a lot of their attention towards us, as requested by the therapist. She explained to them that we were at a very difficult part of our relationship with DD and that we are pending dissolution, if none of the current intervention efforts from Lutheran Social Services succeed.

We watched all the women and one man grab for the tissues as they shared their experiences—their pain, their frustration, their disappointment, their guilt, their sense of failure, their sense of obligation, their sense of despair. Two families had familial kids—nieces or nephews they took in from an irresponsible sibling. These families had a greater sense of obligation, and the non-blood relatives were really struggling with the decision to keep this damaged child in their homes, but didn’t want to disappoint their spouses who were also struggling with the decision, but felt a stronger drive to succeed—somehow.

One woman in particular finally let the tears flow easily as she talked about her sense of loss from the whole experience. She felt, as we have, the loss of friends and family who are no longer comfortable spending time with them because they do not know how to handle the kid or how to react to how the parents handle the kid. She admitted that she is now in weekly individual therapy, on top of weekly family therapy, and once a month group therapy. This is a woman who had NO THERAPY until they took in her husband’s nephew.

All the families tried to encourage us with little quips like, “OK- so today was rough. Tomorrow will be better!” and “finding the right combination of meds made a huge difference.” These are families who know exactly what we are going through. They truly have the exact same frustrations and confusing thoughts, and guilt about how to handle this situation—and they were doing their best to be supportive. It all felt more like a “misery loves company, so don’t leave me” campaign.

We listened to them all. We watched them all lose it at one time or another. We watched them all smile and encourage each other, and encourage us. They laughed at the shared pain. They laughed at the progress and regress they have all seen in each other’s kids over the years. Not one could say that any growth or progress they witness ever stuck 100%. They all regress at some point—maybe temporarily—but always. They all talked about the constant need to alter the med dosages and combinations, to accommodate changes in the kids. The meds never stabilize. One talked about his kid’s four stays at a Residential Treatment center and how the last time really helped—although he and his wife were still struggling on a daily—sometime hourly basis. They all talked about the things that they no longer do because they can’t take the kid along and no one wants to baby-sit the kid. They talked about abandoning expectations as a coping mechanism. They talked about the monster inside of them that they never knew existed—the monster that would rise in reaction to the kid’s behaviors and how shocked and disappointed they were that they had this monster inside them. But--------- it was all “so much better now” and we should “just keep trying new things.”

In the final minutes of the two hour session, the therapist asked if this session helped us at all, and would we be interested in returning when there was another opening. I turned to the woman in multiple therapy options and stated:

“You’ve had your kid five years. You got him when he was 5 and with all the therapy, treatment, love, guidance, and the ‘right combination of meds’ you are still struggling."

To her husband I said, "Your wife is in tears here, trying to figure out how to ‘survive’ this”

I turned to the man, whose wife was sick at home, and who adopted two brothers:

“You’ve had your kids since they were 1 and 4 and still have problems after 2 years of therapy. You talk about fearing when your boys get to the age of our kids, well I fear my girl getting to the age of other kids I’ve learned about. Teenage kids who do turn violent against the family; who do make false accusations to authorities; who do destroy your home and get in a psychotic state so that the police have to remove them from your home. I’m told it is not a case of ‘if,” but a case of ‘when.’ I am not seeing any hope here. I’m more frightened than before. I thought, ‘if we had only known sooner, perhaps we could have helped her more,’ but you had your kids earlier in their lives and you KNEW earlier than we did EXACTLY what their diagnosis was, and yet, here you are, years later still struggling on a daily basis, with the decision you made to bring these kids into your home."

"You all seem like really nice, loving people who are being tormented because you are responsible adults and you wanted to love and you wanted to help someone. This is not what any of us expected. Yes, these kids are damaged through no fault of their own—but it wasn’t our fault either and no one within the system is taking this issue seriously enough to give these kids any real help. We are at the point where WE now need help. WE need therapy. I guess I am selfish. I want something more from this relationship other than the thought that this kid might be better off with me. I’m certainly not better off with her. I can’t look past all the damage she causes me and my family. I can’t just ignore or tolerate the daily drama and conflict and the fact that it will all only get worse.”

I left there totally drained and more convinced than ever that this will not work. There is no “fixing” or “helping” this child. I do not now have, nor have I ever had, a daughter. I have a hostile ward in my home who cares nothing for me or my family, and the state knows this and continues to set-up other families for the same experience.

There are many successful foster adoptions in this country—probably the majority of cases, but there is an alarming amount of well-meaning families out there, who do not have completely altruistic intentions themselves—they also have expectations, dreams and hopes about a new child in their family—who are being tested, tormented, and pushed to their limits. Everyone agrees the “system” must change, but nothing real is being done to change it. No one wants to publish the facts about Foster Adoption for fear that no one will want to adopt these kids that desperately need loving homes, but perpetrating the myth of how beautiful and life-fulfilling foster adoption is while delivering severely damaged children to unsuspecting families and communities should be criminal. Hiding the truth is what will make it harder and harder to get anyone to adopt for fear that they are not getting full disclosure on a child—a child that may be perfectly adoptable or may be so severely disturbed that you will never bond or find any peace or joy with them in your life.
There are no decisions to make today. We still need to play the game with Lutheran. We all know it is a game—possibly a stall tactic, as we jump through all the prescribed hoops—but we all seem to talk with each other knowing what the ultimate conclusion will be.

Life as usual?

2007-09-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

It's been a few weeks since I posted. Just too much going on--just like everybody else.

As a follow-up, Gio & I went to the OB/Gyn the following Friday. They did another ultrasound, and as I knew, there was nothing there. They scheduled me to come back in in mid-October for a follow-up on those cysts, which were still present. No need for a D&C though, so that was good news.

As for Lutheran Social Services, well part of the plan was that we apply to get DD into a Children's Home. The Case Manager could not really explain the difference between a Children's Home and a Residential Treatment Center, but we made the call as directed. I talked to the intake manager and just from our conversation it didn't sound like this would work, but he asked us to fill out the forms and apply anyway, just in case. So, some more late nights of filling out forms, researching information, and faxing off everything, then waiting for a decision.

What we learned is that while an RTC is for kids who are falling out of a family, Children's Homes are more for families that are falling apart and their kids need a safe place to go. Some examples might be families that are going through hardships because of financial situations, medical situations, death, divorce, whatever that is keeping the family from taking care of a kid. The kids stay a minimum of 6 months and usually up to 18 months, although some kids may stay for 2-3 years. Not sure how any of this would help to make this kid my daughter, but we have to try everything, so we applied. Days later we got the call that no, she indeed did not qualify. She has too many issues and they are primarily a basic-care facility. No surprise.

Lutheran also set us up with a new Psychologist to provide a new psychological evaluation for DD. The new psychiatric eval is not enough. Lutheran plans to use the eval to apply for a different RTC. I told the case manager that if she did get in that I would not allow any drugs for at least a couple of weeks--that I want them to help her deal with her issues, not just drug her into sedation and announce that she is "stable." Chances are though, that she will not be accepted to another facility because she is not severe enough. She falls somewhere in between what a Children's Home will accept and what and RTC will accept.

In the meantime we are working on the other step of the "plan" by meeting with a NEW therapist. While I like this therapist I am just not sure what she will do that will be different from the other 20 therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists DD has seen. So, we continue to go through the process, waiting to see if DD will fight to stay in the family or will passively let it all go. Don't know.

With all this drama pretty much behind us, I am finally able to focus on my job again while I am at work. And just in time, because I've been hit with some big projects. I've also been distracted with DS' recent interest in modeling. I helped do a photo shoot two weeks ago and really got the shutter bug. I've gone a little crazy on eBay lately and should have my home photo studio set up before the holidays.... ;)

God has a WICKED sense of humor

2007-09-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

OK - So I captured all of this last Saturday while purging my soul to a friend. I'm too tired to re-write it, or even edit it to look fresh for my Blog, so here is the letter I wrote:

WARNING: Don't be drinking a beverage as you read the next lines...

I'm pregnant. Personally, I don't think I will be for long as I am spotting like crazy, but I went to see an OB/Gyn yesterday and they did a sonogram and it all just became way too real. The whole office staff were way more optimistic than I am. They didn't seem to care about the spotting, or my age, or all the maintenance drugs that I take. They really freaked me out thinking that this may actually be a viable pregnancy and I may need to consider the reality of giving birth shortly after my 45th birthday!!!! I will know a lot more on Monday, when they get back the blood test results. Basically - here's what happened.

Having Polycystic Ovaries, I really never had a regular period, however, since moving back to Texas, for some reason I have been pretty predictable--about every 30 days. So - four years of stability sets up the scenario. August came and went without a period, and the initial physical symptoms of pregnancy are similar to starting a period -- a little crampy; tender breasts...So while I was "late" I thought I was still not yet in menopause. Ha! Well, two weeks later I started to get a little worried.

The long running joke with DH and I, who have tried for YEARS to get pregnant, is that as soon as we buy a home pregnancy test, I will start. Usually works. So DH picked one up on the way home. Wednesday morning I took the test, set it down on the tank behind me, then had an indication that I was starting my period. Even half asleep I had to laugh, thinking this time we had to do more than buy it, I had to actually administer the test to jump start my cycle. Then I turned around, and the stick had two blue lines. I grabbed the box to look at the results sample and two blue lines was not what I expected. I only saw two blue lines once before in my life, and that was when we learned about DS. I was shocked, but assumed that regardless of what the test said, this was about to be over. Looked like I was starting my period and this pregnancy would not be.

But nothing happened with me the rest of the day. Now I got scared, thinking of all the things I've done and the meds I've taken, and my age and...oh gosh...how could this be. My body should be a hostile environment for an embryo. This just can't be.

The next morning--nothing. No spotting, no period. Nothing. At lunch time, I got in my car and called my Gynecologist thinking they would agree that I am not a good candidate for this and it is likely over, but they started talking about all the clients they've had in similar conditions who had normal pregnancies and healthy babies. Ugh! So, not what I wanted to hear. Now I was really confused. I called DH and just lost it on the phone, but he was so supportive and encouraging, and calming it just made me cry. So, here I am in a Pet's Mart parking lot, eating a Schlotzky's sandwich (I never tasted it), talking on the phone, and freaking out on the state of my life. While talking to DH, my other line is ringing and it is Lutheran Social Services talking to me about a new therapist for DD and their efforts to preserve the "family." It was all too much.

So, I drive back to work thinking 20 steps ahead and trying to figure out daycare, finances, bedroom situation at home, names for a boy or a girl, way too much too soon, but that is the way my mind obsesses in crisis mode. I get back to the office, go to the bathroom and AHA! OK - this is definitely over now. Whew! I put in a tampon and go to several back-to-back meetings all afternoon. While away from my desk, DH calls to see if I am OK. The Gyn calls to refer me to an OB/Gyn, Lutheran Services calls, and the new therapist calls. Ugh! My mind is split in so many directions. I get home and tell DH that I think this is over, but when I removed the tampon 5 hours later - nothing. What does this mean?

So I call the OB/Gyn on Friday and they want me to come in TODAY! At lunch I let a co-worker/friend know how much I am freaking out and she offered to go with me, since DH can't make it. I didn't think I really needed her there--I've had so many sonograms with all the fertility attempts that I wasn't really worried. She said she would be there more for the emotional impact-regardless of what they say the outcome may be. I reluctantly agreed. In the end I was so grateful that she was there, if nothing else, to be a witness to the freak show that is my life.

The man who did the sonogram was in his 60s and has done tens of thousands of these. He asked what was up and I said, "I'm 44, I'm not supposed to be here." He said, "So what? We have tons of moms over forty, and even older than you!" I said "yeah, but look at all these meds I am on." and pulled out a big baggie with my four prescription bottles in them. Again he said, "So what?" These little guys are pretty resilient at this stage and we've had mom's on even stronger drugs than this that had perfect outcomes!" Again I protested saying, yeah, but I am spotting off and on and..." He cut me off and again said "So what? We've had women in here constantly bleeding, not spotting, who've had perfect babies!" It may sound like he was being confrontational, but he was not. He was a super-happy, enthusiastic man trying to be supportive and optimistic. We were all laughing. My girlfriend was already holding back tears. She was very excited for me, and I was just confused and still in disbelief.

When he started the sonogram he went straight to a yolk sac and started measuring. Said it looked very good. We seemed to be off by a week, so no heartbeat. Instead of 6 weeks, 5 days, he measured 5 weeks even. Can't see a heartbeat until 5 weeks four days. All of this was news to me--I wasn't expecting a heartbeat at all, Now my friend is just letting the tears flow. She is 38, divorced, and just went through a painful breakup with a boyfriend and is thinking about babies of her own, so weird dynamics going on here. Oh - and she is a devout Catholic and of course wants all conception to live.

Anyway, I asked the sonogram guy, if the yolk sac could just be small NOT because we are off by a week, but because this is not a viable fetus and I am miscarrying and about to start my period--and that is why we can't see a heartbeat. He gave his disclaimer that he is not a doctor, but after 30 years of looking at these, that the yolk sac looked very healthy and it looked like a good one to him. He firmly believes that because of the PCO that my cycles are off and that is why there is a discrepancy in the dates/age/progression of the pregnancy. He felt that if this was a miscarriage about to happen, the yolk sac would look very different. Now I am truly freaking out. My friend is giggling, she is go giddy. She says to me in that high-pitched, almost baby talk whisper, with a big goofy smile on her face and a look of love and tears in her eyes, "You're having a baby." Now my eyes well up with tears. Not sad, not happy, just scared.

He took tons of pictures of this hostile environment inside me. I have two huge cysts on my right ovary that may or may not drop off next week (common during pregnancy because of all the hormones). Then I have what might be a big "mass" just under my right ovary. He measured it so he can compare it to a new measurement next week to see if it grows or not. Said most are benign, but it also could be a bowel loop. Pretty. Then he sees all kinds of fibroids within my uterus. I had no idea all of this was going on inside. Whatever. How could this possibly be happening with all these other potential issues in my belly.

Then I talk to the doctor. She is probably in her early 30s, if that. Very nice, and again supportive. She apologizes that we will have to wait over the weekend to get the blood test results, but starts talking to me about genetic tests I may want to do at 12 weeks. She talks to me about health risks to me from going off my meds, and that I need to talk to my primary care doctor. I let her know that I've lost 45-50 pounds (depending on the week) in the last year, and that perhaps the meds aren't as necessary as before. She thinks the weight loss is probably what allowed me to get pregnant now. Anyway...

So, while a home pregnancy tests tell you if you are or are not pregnant, the blood work tells you HOW pregnant you are. If the progesterone numbers are over 20, this is happening. If they are under 5, this is NOT happening. I already feel confident that I will come in somewhere in between that large gap, since I always seem to be a borderline case at everything. Anyway, if the numbers are good, they want me back in for another sonogram. If I start my period over the weekend, then we know what that means. Meanwhile, I still occasionally spot. That is it. Now you are caught up.

So, we wait for Monday, but even if the numbers are good, "advanced" aged mothers are at high risk of miscarriage throughout the pregnancy. I refuse to think too much about any scenario, and goodness knows I have enough distractions in my life to let go of all this baby, or no baby stuff. Perhaps that is DD's purpose in my life, to provide distraction. There has to be some reason, right? I keep asking myself - "What am I supposed to learn from all of this?"

*deep breath*

End of letter.

So, on Monday the numbers were good - 5999 hCG = 5 weeks. That was blood taken on Friday. Today is Wednesday. I have been cramping and bleeding since Sunday. I KNOW this is over, but Dr. "Pollyanna" and her crew still hold out hope. Oy! I am returning for a sonogram on Friday. Then there will be blood tests for weeks to confirm that this is a complete miscarriage. If not, then I get to go in for that oh-so-lovely procedure, the D&C. I truly hope that nature takes care of this all.

Monday and Tuesday were NUTS!!! My phone was ringing like crazy, and sitting in a cube farm surrounded by men, I had to keep ducking into conference rooms to find out if THIS personal call was about my crazy daughter, or my crazy period. I had psychologists calling, gynecologists calling, therapists calling, OB/Gyns calling and Lutheran Social Services calling. I was losing my mind! All the while - severely cramping and trying to work. My personal life has not been this chaotic and dramatic since my second year of marriage or since my parents divorce when I was 14. This has been a traumatic and severely emotional week. I have been on the worst roller coaster ride of my life.

I am grateful that nature saw fit to make things right. Don't get me wrong, I love babies, and would have loved this baby, if it was meant to be, but I was not relishing the thought of attending my son's graduation from high school while enrolling a toddler in pre-K. Or worse!!! Having to attend another stinkin' birthday party at Chucky Cheese at my friggin' age!!! For goodness sakes--I have my hair colored to cover the gray and a few weeks ago I tried Botox for the first time to deal with my friggin' crows feet!!! I looked so stupid in that Ob/Gyn office sitting next to all the glowing pregnant 20-year olds. I am old enough to be the mother to some of those mothers!!! I felt like all of our plans for our life were written on an etch-a-sketch and God just gave it a good shake and said "start over."

Now, I just need this to end. I learned something else new. Miscarriages are not a one day event. This will take weeks to get back to "normal." Just trying to get the Dr.s office to declare - "go" or "no go" is a real challenge. My hope is that tomorrow I won't need to pop 4 Ibuprofen every four hours and that this mother-of-a-period (no pun intended) will end soon.

Now - back to focusing on the kid we already have...DD strikes again...Oh yeah - and start birth control for the first time since 1989.

Drastic Move...

2007-09-07T09:19:00.000-07:00

In a desperate effort to get some real response, we called CPS and said we either need help or we need out. Told them we've contacted a lawyer to see about our rights to dissolve this adoption. Told them we've tapped all of our resources within a 50-mile (shoot even 100-mile) radius and that we were done. The state said fine, but you need to call Lutheran Social Services of the South. So we did.

They are a private, faith-based agency contracted through the state to provide post-adoption support. So far, they are extremely friendly and pro-active. They took all of our information (I was up late again filling out forms, faxing, e-mailing, compiling information for them) and they "staffed our case" and are now working on a "Plan" -- basically a proposal of how to try to fix all of this and move forward. We are not obligated to accept their plan, but in the meantime, they get to do all of the legwork in trying to find a solution--find a better residential treatment, find what our options are financially, find different professionals to work with, etc. We may hear something early next week. It just feels good knowing that someone else is taking on the battle. They have more resources and more connections so hopefully they will get better results.

Oh, and DD? Well, she quit Color Guard because the "stretches were just too hard on her knees." The coach was not too happy that she quit, but she didn't care. Said she "blew out her knee." Then she found out they have a trip coming up and she wanted back in. Too late! The Counselor gave her an earful about how her decision to quit effected many people and that she needed to learn a lesson. The counselor has had quite enough of her, too, but her lecture had no effect on DD.

Then, DS, who gets out 15 minutes earlier than her at the High School, is instructed to walk the two blocks to her school and wait for her so she doesn't walk home alone. Well he waited 40 minutes, then called DH to say he was leaving. DH said fine. A few minutes later DD called DH and asked "Where are you?" He returned the question. She decided that she wanted to be the Lead Role in Les Miserable, so she went to the initial audition meeting. Didn't tell anyone. Didn't care if anyone was waiting on her - DS or DH. She has never been in a UIL play before, she has never memorized lines for even small classroom productions because it is too hard, but she wants the lead role. Just delusional. You have to have good grades and no behavioral problems for teachers to approve you to be in any role, as well. A challenge that she does not think will be a problem.

She is already in the red on a behavior contract we created to allow her to earn money to pay for her own expenses for choir - something else she joined when she quit band (because it was too hard). The choir director is extremely supportive of our contract and knows that if DD does not earn the money to pay for the formal dress and the materials that she will not remain in choir. DD knows this as well and has already made excuses and blamed us for her not making her bed and for her behaviors that cost her money. She is still just the victim and we the evil prison guards.

In the meantime, there are a couple of bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon waiting for me in my kitchen...

She's home

2007-08-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

What an exhausting and frustrating day. After fighting so hard to get her in there, they made us sign a release against medical advise form. Now THEY think she needs to be there. Which incompetent am I to believe.

I actually talked to some empathetic and seemingly intelligent people today as they pleaded for us to keep her there. These people would not being seeing DD. Too little, too late. Turns out she would only have four 45 minute to one hour sessions a week! What is the point? Why is she living there for that? We can sedate her at home and get her four sessions a week. They UPPED her dosage TWICE without a call to us.

Now I need to run to parent orientation night at the High School. Tomorrow DD will go to Junior High like nothing happened. But I am sure she will tell everybody what happened. I can't save her from herself.

Is it worth it?

2007-08-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

So, I called DD today to see how things are going.

Apparently she was throwing up all day Saturday--the day after they started medicating her. No medical staff there on weekends. No activities on weekends. Other than eating, the kids had no scheduled activities. How dangerous is it to have a bunch of troubled kids sitting around idle?

She sounded sedated--not quite slurring, but not her usual tone. I was told she would be given two meds, with an optional sleeping pill at night if she wanted. She said she gets a pill in the morning, afternoon, and two at night--one being the sleeping pill. Four pills. They are automatically giving her the sleeping pill that she was only to have if she asked for it, and perhaps one of the meds is given two times a day. I am not sure of anything, and I don't like it.

I called the therapist to confirm our Wednesday appointment and got her voicemail, where she states her name and her position. She is an intern. The intake biotch was also an intern. A nurse called me to tell me about the meds, but couldn't really tell me why these particular drugs were selected. I wonder when we get to talk to a doctor who is maybe more experienced in diagnosing and working with attachment disorder.

I am starting to hear from more and more people who tell me that these RTCs simply drug and release these kids--some coming home with new learned skills that you won't like, having been exposed to kids even more messed up than them. I'm hearing this from parents and teachers. I am losing faith that they will make any positive difference in her life and we are considering pulling her out as early as tomorrow. All I see happening now is that they drug her, then release her a week or two behind in school. Nothing beneficial.

She also said that she has been in several fights with her roommate who is supposedly bossing her around--probably is, but... So, even sedated she is having issues, and they are still talking about releasing her in a week. I just don't see any benefit to this farce. I am so drained by all of this. I am feeling a bit trapped and helpless. They bill my insurance $550 a day for what?!?!? You would think that $16-$17K a month would provide more qualified care with constant structure and observation and guidance. I think this is one of the biggest scams I have ever witnessed.

I am so stressed that I cannot sleep at night. I am having some kind of reaction around my eyes as well. I look like a bulldog from the extreme puffiness. I've taken tons of Benedryl, used Benedryl cream and antihistamine eye drops thinking maybe it is some weird allergy, but I think it is a combo of no sleep and some physical manifestation of the total anxiety created by interacting with this frustrating place.

DH sees how frazzled I am and is stepping up. He is going to call them tomorrow and tell them to prepare her to leave--pack her up and get their bloody forms ready. He is ready to get her out of there. We will not continue the drugs either. We will pursue yet another Psychiatrist here locally and wait out the 6 months for an opening and see what happens.

If I thought that they might make a difference and might really observe and examine her over time, then treat her for the months I think it will take to help her, I might be willing to overlook some of the unprofessional areas we've witnessed, and leave her there a little longer. But I get the clear message that they will keep her for a week, two at the most, and that is just a waste of the insurance money, of DDs school time, of our time and effort, and just the hassle of having these idiots dictate to us what we have to do with BOTH of our kids. Meanwhile, school started today without her and she is falling further and further behind there. She described her first day of school at the RTC (they started a week ago) and it sounded so minimal. Reading, playing, singing, catching a frog outside (not related to science). I find it hard to believe that this would keep her up to date with the 7th grade curriculum at home. I think they are doing more harm than good.

So - tomorrow will be an odd day. Not sure how it will all go down, but I suspect more drama is on the way.

On the bright side, I worked from home today so I could see Tony off for his first day of High School and pick him up after. Tony had a great first day of school. He saw some old friends, loves his classes--even the AP English he was dreading, and he liked the food in the cafeteria. He came home, organized his books, gave me papers to sign, then started on his homework. Then practiced for his piano lesson. On days like this I'm so grateful that he is so responsible and self-sufficient. He brought a huge smile to my face and a warm hug to my heart.

Kind of numb...

2007-08-24T16:05:00.000-07:00

DD's therapist called me today at work, 20 minutes before I had to give a presentation in a meeting. After spending an hour with DD, she feels like she may be released in a week or so, since she is not a danger to herself or others. So hitting, fighting, biting, scratching, jumping on other kid's heads is apparently not a danger to others. She actually needs to pull a weapon. I don't know.

Then she tells me that DS must be a part of every family therapy session. I told her that there was no point in involving him initially--that first we, as the parents must establish a relationship with this child and that I will not put DS through anything further until we see some progress. She insists he must be part of it since he lives in the house. I told her again I would not do that to him. She asked how old he is and I told her that he turns 15 today! It is his birthday and I need to focus on HIM today. Then she starts lecturing me on the rough life DD has had and how through no fault of her own has developed these behaviors and that I need to understand...I cut her off completely. I was LIVID!!!

"Who do you think you are talking to? Do you think that I do not know all this already? Do you think I am some heartless bitch who doesn't understand all of this? I completely understand and my heart breaks for her, but I am telling you that I do not have the tools to help her. After six years of therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, powerful, frightening medications, parenting, guidance, love, support, rewards, punishments, warnings, threats, loss of priveledges, after all of that energy and effort towards supporting change in her that not one behavior has changed. She is doing the same things she did 6 years ago with no progress and that we need help."

I then reminded her that we have been trying for two years and she has known her for one hour and that I don't care if she thinks I am some over-reactive, uncaring beast, there are deeper problems here than we can handle and that she needs to hang out with her a little more before she starts lecturing me about this kids needs. I was shaking I was so angry, and then had to go lead a meeting and do a presentation. I was still shaking when the meeting started and I was flustered and just all over the place.

Even typing this I am getting very emotional. It took me over three months to get her in there. They want me to go and withdraw her from the Junior High here so they can transfer all her records and IEP/ARD papers there, and for what? A week!?!?!? I am just dumbfounded again.

Then a nurse calls me at home to say the psychiatrist saw her and wants to medicate her immediately. He is putting her on two extremely powerful and heavily regulated drugs. But there is no problem and she still might be released in a week. Tonight she is starting on Abilify and Depokote. She has been on both before with no results. They are both used basically as mood stabilizers.

I am totally deflated, but need to let go of this so I can enjoy my son's birthday tonight and try to enjoy whatever time we have without her. Our options are getting limited in what we can do to help her without sacrificing our family and our health any further.

We are scheduled for a family session on Wednesday at 4:30. DS will be in attendance as we are doing a conference call from home. If she stays long enough for a second session the following week, he will NOT attend as I am not going to pull him out of school to drive an hour north of here for a session that really hinges on her bonding with us first.

Tu Mama es LOCO!!!!

2007-08-23T16:41:00.000-07:00

Ever see the movie, Terms of Endearment, with Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger? There is a scene where Shirley MacLaine is trying to get the nurses to give her dying daughter (Winger) some pain medication and when they are moving too slow she goes a little psycho on them.

OK - I went "Terms of Endearment" on thay azzez.

Facility number one was driving me crazy. When I tried to call yesterday to confirm that they had all they needed from me or from our therapist or our doctor, their phones were not working for the second time in fives days!!! I don't know how you run a facility with 120 kids and not have functioning communication devices. It was maddening. And here we are 7 days since our initial contact and I still have not heard from them.

So, yesterday I called another facility and started all over again.

I cannot believe how difficult this process has been. I told my intake nemesis that she is ALREADY APPROVED and this biotch was almost yelling at that she is NOT APPROVED. I was going wiggy! I was just dumbfounded. This woman refused to make a 1-800 call that would take 5 minutes to verify. Instead she kept telling me that since DD has not been previously hospitalized, was not attempting suicide or threatening to kill us, that she did not qualify!! This is the battle I fought with the insurance company for two months and finally won. I kept asking why I had to wait until it got to that point before anyone would consider helping her.

This back and forth and her sassy attitude had me going a little psycho on the phone. I was saying things like:

"I know that this is not your typical approval and admission process. This case is a little unconventional, but if you will PLEASE just make the call. I am begging you. I'm sorry that she does not fit your little checklist but I am telling you that she is approved. Do you think I am making this up?!?! Do you think I am lying? Why would I do that? What would that get me? You would figure it out real quick and I would be stuck with a $17K bill for the month!! I am begging you to step out of the box a little and have a heart and help a mother out. This has gone on for months. I want to get her settled before school starts. I cannot believe this. I have a therapist, a psychiatrist and an insurance company all saying she needs this and it is approved--the money is in your bank as soon as you say yes--and you keep telling me that my insurance will not approve this! I am loosing my mind here. What is it going to take for you to listen to me, believe me, and take a little action beyond asking me a list of questions and dismissing me?"

She got real pissy and said, "Fine, you can come in for an assessment if you want, and when we submit the papers your insurance is going to deny coverage."

I said, "FINE! So when can we come in?"

"Tomorrow, if you want!"

"FINE! What time?"

"Can you be here at 11:00?"

"I can be there whenever you say!"

"So, then can you come in at 10:00?"

"Yes - Definitely. What do I need to bring?"

She starts going down a list of documents, thinking it would be overwhelming for me to pull all this stuff together. She really doesn't understand me. I have had her papers ready for months. Then she tells me to bring a suitcase with 5-7 changes of clothes. I said, "Wow! Tomorrow bring a suitcase? Do you really think it will happen that fast?"

And she says, "NO! I don't think it will happen at all, your insurance is not going to approve this, but as long as you are coming in you might as well."

So I asked, "Why will you not call them? What is so difficult about this? How hard would it be for you to dial them up?

She said, "I'm not going to call them because they are going to say the same thing to me that I am saying to you. She is not going to be approved!"

_ _ _ _ _ _

Maddening, I tell you.

_ _ _ _ _ _

So, I feel like she scheduled the assessment just to placate me. So I stayed up until 1:00 A.M. faxing them tons of papers. Pscyh evals. School assessments. Foster parent observations, letters from the therapist and psychiatrist both recommending RTC. Then this morning I went in with everything I have--a two-foot high stack of papers. I had everything on their checklist, which freaked them out. They said no one ever has everything; they usually have to fax something within 24 hours.

It was a long day, but eventually it all went through, and my nemesis had to come back into the room we were locked in all day and act excited when she told us, "OK- So she's been approved, as you know, and we are getting everything set up."

We then met with a doctor, two nurses, the school counselor, a cottage nurse, and got a quick tour of the place and said our goodbyes. DD was just giddy--she was so excited. Her treatments start tomorrow--as do her school classes.

The whole day was pretty surreal, and DD already called to say hi and ended with an "I love you, Momma." Which is such BS and all for show for whomever was watching her make the call. She also asked if we could write letters to each other. We must look so much more appealing to her from a distance. I am very curious to see how these 30 days go. At the end, will they recommend another 30, or will they release her? We have no idea. Insurance only approves 30 days at a time, which makes sense, but will cause a little anxiety at the end of each month.

However long they keep her, I just hope it has an impact.

Patience is a virtue...

2007-08-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

...in which I am lacking.

No one seems to feel the same sense of urgency that I do to get DD enrolled before school starts. If there is to be any kind of smooth transition back into this community and into our home, she needs to start the RTC before August 27th--when school starts. Otherwise, she will start, disappear, then reappear before Christmas, leaving her open to even more questions to her where-abouts in the interim.

Hope is fading that she will be admitted this week. Maybe next week will work, or even the following week. I am letting go, since I cannot control this. On Monday, if I have not heard something more, I will begin to bug the facility again, but the message so far is pretty clear. We are supposedly moving at warp speed compared to other cases, and 2-3 months to get things set up is a quick turn-around.

Meanwhile, my intake contact is way too mellow for my tastes. He doesn't do anything until I call him at least twice, possibly three times. He constantly forgets what he said he would do, and even though he tells me all the things that I need to send to him, and I send it immediately, he doesn't bother to check the fax for days, to see if he received what he supposedly needs to take the next step. He doesn't know how to spell our name (it is all over the faxes he requested from me). He forgets that I already gave him some info, like insurance numbers, ss#, fax numbers. He forgets that he said he would send something--something that I need to take action on to move forward. When I call to remind he, he scolds me, misunderstanding what I am asking for, then realizes that HE is the one who said he would send this stuff to me so I can jump through yet another hoop. He is driving me nuts. I think he is stoned. And maybe you need to be stoned to deal with a facility full of aggressive, challenging kids. Maybe this is why he is there, and I am not.

So...we wait. She will start school on Monday, and make all kinds of decisions and plans as if she will be around long term (she announced in therapy yesteday that she will be in the Color Guard this year--news to me and again, somewhat delusional on her part), and then she will disappear from her classes without any explanation to the students. Not what I would call an ideal setting for a quiet return later, but apparently, nothing I can do about it now. We will just cross that bridge later.

They called ME!!!

2007-08-15T16:24:00.001-07:00

The insurance company actually called ME at 5:45 PM!!! I didn't have to hunt them down, yet again! They got the fax from the therapist and called to approve Residential Treatment!!! They agreed to short-term, (4-6 weeks) with monthly telephonic reviews to assess if more time is needed, based on medical neccessity and recommendations of the RTC. I can definitely live with that!

The other good news she gave me was that while I thought we would be paying 20% of the cost, there is a maximum out-of-pocket that is a huge relief! So, first thing tomorrow I am on the phone trying to get something started as soon as possible. School starts August 27th, and I would prefer to have her not start then disappear. Cross your fingers.

Tonight is parent orientation night at the high school. I think I might be a little distracted... Tomorrow, DS has a half-day freshman camp to learn the lay of the campus and what to expect on day one. I can't believe my little boy is in High School.

Oh the DRAMA...

2007-08-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

So, it WAS too good to be true. The insurance company now has new hoops for us to jump through.

So, when we saw the arrogant Psychiatrist in early July, (all of the other insurance approved Psychiatrists within a 50-mile radius were either not taking new patients or were booked for 6-months out and would not schedule anyone new at this point)we asked him for a letter or recommendation to get DD extra, more intensive help. At our second appointment he did - he sat and hand scribbled a letter on his letterhead (whatever!). So, now that the vacations are out of the way and I have all my ducks in a row, I pursue the facility that the insurance company suggested. The facility informed me that I did not have what they needed. I called a second facility--same response. So I called the insurance company wanting to talk to my assigned case manager. No one at the insurance company knows what I am talking about and they never heard of her or that role.

Deep breath.

I was transferred through five people spending over an hour on the phone, almost loosing it while hiding in a conference room for privacy at work. Turns out the letters won't work. Here is the criteria: She either needs to be in a psychotic rage and the police take her to the facility, or she needs to threaten to hurt herself or us. I call these the three deadly criteria. These are all behaviors that we have been warned WILL occur around age 15-16. No one denys that. Not even the insurance company. The only other option is to get her a current psych evaluation, which leads us back to the issue of no one being available in town but the ass that told us, in front of DD, that it was too late to help her, that she is too old at 12, and then told her that these facilities were like Prison. Nice, huh!?!? No wonder he had availability.

So, we now have an appointment in late September with a Psych in a small town about an hour north of here. That is the best we have so far. The fifth person I talked to at the insurance company thought that maybe having her current therapist and even the arrogant ass call the insurance company might help expedite approval for her to go to an RTC.

Meanwhile, DD is BRAGGING to everyone that she is going away to boarding school where she will get 3 hours of therapy everyday. Oy!

As for DD - we had an almost flawless vacation with my cousins except for the daily dramas that centered around DD. The dramas built with intensity over the week, culminating at the end with me requiring her to stay within two-feet of me for the last day and half. Much as I wouldn't allow a two-year old to play unsupervised, she needed supervision. It was painful, exasperating, and embarrassing. I felt like I had inflicted her on my family. Honestly, almost everything else was perfect! It really was a great vacation, but the intense outbursts, inappropriate behaviors, physical altercations, constant bickering and just overall hassle of managing her was a constant thorn in our sides.

School starts in three weeks. I really don't know how to prepare. So many questions about her future, but I guess I just need to go on as if the RTC were not an option and buy her all new clothes and school supplies. If she is later accepted to an RTC I know that they limit how much personal stuff you can take, but I just don't know exactly how limited.

Yesterday we attended an informal parent support group at a local fun park/arcade. The kids ran around playing with each other while the parents sat and shared and vented and supported each other. Much to my surprise, a woman that I have chatted with on Adoption.com and of whose work I read and copied from the site, was there. We had so much to talk about. She has two biological kids and adopted a half-brother/sister sibling group. The 14-year old son is currently in an RTC and the 12-year old daughter is giving them a real work-out. They didn't notice how pervasive her behaviors were when the son was at home, because his behaviors were so much more evident. The police were out to their house a couple of times, and the father was accused of abuse. The kids were taken, and an investigation showed that they were innocent and both kids were returned. We were constantly interrupted by someone's kid needing something, so it was frustrating trying to chat because I wanted to hear so much more. We swapped contact info and will be getting in touch soon. They don't live very far from us. Small world - considering that is an international site.

Possible Hope

2007-07-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

I expected our biggest struggle to be with the Insurance Company (isn't it usually) and it still may be, but we now have the authorization for the second step, which is to have her admitted to an in-patient psych eval (1-5 days). I doubt they would keep her more than 24 hours, if at all. She is not in a psychotic rage, and doesn't really need to be observed to that degree, right now. There is the possibility that they may not want to admit her at all, but simply do a quick eval based on the evidence we present (her two-foot high stack of files from the foster system, full of previous evals and behaviors) and based on a consultation with her. The timing is a bit off, as we leave for vacation on Monday, so we will wait until we return before pursuing the evaluation. Hopefully she will be OK while on vacation with several extended family members. She sometimes gets a little wound up when there are lots of folks around and she thinks we are not paying attention.

So, the Insurance Company assigned us a Case Manager so we can talk to one knowledgable source and not have to start over from the beginning with a new employee each time we call. She is a clinician and was extremely empathetic and supportive and totally agreed with the plan to get her help NOW before things get worse. She almost made me cry with her understanding. (OK - so I did cry, but I was at work, so I choked it down.)She advised me on what to take, what to say, what to ask for, etc. to get the help we need. I was amazed and so relieved.

We are hoping that maybe we can get her settled before school begins--so that she isn't the kid who started school then disappeared for a while. I think it will be easier for her to return later if she doesn't make an appearance now.

Getting nervous...

2007-07-05T19:32:00.000-07:00

So, when DD first came to live with us, I tried to spin some of the crap in her past in a positive light--trying to help build her confidence and self-esteem. Now she is smarting off to us, throwing some of that stuff back in our face! We really are worried about her falsely accusing one of us of something so she can go back to foster care. She has challenged us to send her back if we "don't like it!"

Today was a doozie! This morning, before my DH took her to day camp, she decided to go out front and bounce a volleyball. She left the front door open. My DH went to shut it, and out of habit, he locked it. She was standing right there at the time, and as she was saying, "What if I need to come back in?" and before she finished her sentence he unlocked it and opened it back up. Then she went on playing.

She came back in and he handed her a basket of her clean laundry and asked her to put her clothes away. She stomped upstairs, slammed her door, and slammed her drawers in and out as she put stuff away. He ignored it.

When they got in the car, he told her that all he asked her to do was to put away her clothes. Nothing else. No sweep the floors, pull weeds, clean the kitchen--just put away the clothes that mom washed, dried, and folded for you. The same thing that we ask Tony to do with his clean laundry. And she started mouthing off to him. Things escalated and she told him that 100 other people wanted her, and that we were not special and just kept mouthing until he demanded that she shut up. She kept muttering under her breath all the way there.

When I got home and heard about this I went to let her know that while I told her 30 couples wanted her--not 100 people, (trying to make her feel wanted and loved) that what I didn't tell her was that only 2 couples were approved for her, and that those two demanded new psych evaluations of her. When they got the results, they ran. I didn't do this to hurt her, but to let her know that we are sticking by her and trying to get her the help that she needs. She started mouthing off to me and told me that DH locked her out of the house this morning for 15-20 minutes!! She made it sound like he shoved her out the door and locked her out while she tried to get back in.

Her new Aussie friend apparently lives in a group foster home and now I worry that DD thinks that if she accuses us of some kind of abuse, that CPS could take her and she could go live with her new friend. I called my DH into the room to help clarify the story and again things escalated. She eventually back-peddled and agreed with his version, but I got to the point where I asked her where she wanted to go? Where was it that she would be so happy, and that she could do whatever she wanted? She had no answer.

I let her know all the hoops we are having to jump through, all the calls we are having to make, all the forms and letters and begging we are having to do to try to get her help--and that we are the only ones trying to make her life better, but if she wanted out to tell me right now! I told her I could call CPS and she could leave tonight if that was what she wanted, that I wouldn't fight her. Instead of spending all my time and money trying to help her, I could spend it getting a lawyer to dissolve the adoption, if that was what she wanted.

She went silent. She was mad. She maybe was scared. I forced her to make a decision that moment. Turns out that she would like to stay and would like to get some help. I told her that we would do whatever it takes and pay the price of time, energy, money, whatever to get her the help but that her price was to shut her mouth. That she can't say that she wants to stay then treat us like abusive prison guards keeping her against her will. Lord knows what she told her new foster friend today.

I've been reviewing her two-foot high record that we got from CPS (preparing info to get approval for therapy). She often threatened foster parents that she would scratch herself and tell CPS that the foster did it. She also told the school last year that she wished all the screaming and violence would stop in our house! Fortunately, the counselor knew her as a well-documented liar and knew that when she repeated it 5 times that she was trying to get a reaction.

She is very uncomfortable being held accountable for her behaviors and I fear what she might try in order to change her circumstances. I am so ready for her to move into a facility, before things get worse at home.

What says Summer to me??

2007-07-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

Well, usually sweltering heat, picnics and fireworks on the fourth are the epitome of a summer image, but for the second year in a row, we are experiencing lots of rain and thunderstorms. The news is filled with stories of surrounding areas being buried in water, and old friends are calling from across the country to see if we are OK. We fortunately have only been slightly inconvenienced by the weather in comparison to those who live in low water-crossing areas. None-the-less, we will watch fireworks tonight --on television instead of live.

Angie Tagged Me!

2007-07-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

Instructions: These are the rules…. Each player starts with 7 random facts about themselves on their Blog. People who are tagged need to blog 7 facts about themselves and post the rules as well. At the end of their blog list 7 people you are tagging. Let them know that they are tagged by leaving them a comment.

1. I am basically right-handed, but also ambidexterous, and I can write backwards in cursive to create a mirror-view of the text.

2. I am one of 19 cousins on my maternal side. All but one still live in Texas. We once had an extended family reunion with multi-generations and had 350 attend.

3. I met my husband in a bar at 11:15 PM on New Year's Eve 1996-97. We still argue if we met in 96 or 97.

4. As a kid, I had Cat Scratch Fever and still have the scar under my chin to prove it!

5. I was born in Texas, but also lived in Colorado, California, and Washington.

6. My first vehicle was a motorcyle.A blue Honda 125. ;)From there I moved up to a burnt orange AMC Gremlin. Ha!

7. In college, I took a winter quarter off to work at Keystone Ski Resort. We received room and board plus pay and got to ski all of Summit County for free on our days off.

I'm tagging Lynette, Janelle, Janette, Jessica, Candice, Lynnie, and Dorothy. My apologies if any of you have been double-tagged.

Progress...perhaps...

2007-07-03T21:11:00.000-07:00

Well, we finally visited the psychiatrist. He was an arrogant ass, but will do what we need. We scheduled a second appointment for us to sit and co-author a letter of recommendation to get DD further evaluated and hopefully accepted into a RAD specialized facility. I will actually write the letter, get input from her therapist next week, then take it to him on a pin drive and tell him to just print it on his letterhead. He was a buffoon and now I know why he had an open schedule when no one else on our insurance plan within 50 miles had anything until the end of the year. Anyway--it appears he will serve his purpose.

DD is very excited to go, which is good I guess, I don't want her to be afraid, but also so symptomatic of her diagnosis. Any other kid would be freaking out. She sees it as the next new thing. She is used to getting a new environment every six months to a year--a new family, new school, new friends, new everything. Being "stuck" with us for two years has been difficult for her. Long-term commitment and consequences are foreign and uncomfortable for her. No attachment to us at all. Stings a bit, ya know.

Last week she got into a fight at camp. The counselor had to pull the girls apart and get their nails out of each other. Of course, it was totally the other girls fault. DD was totally innocent and didn't do anything to provoke the girl-well, except grab and run away with the ball she was playing with. Hmmmm...

Tonight at 7:00 PM she kept coming halfway down the stairs and going back up. I realized that she was waiting to get my husband alone--never wanting to confront me. So, on her fourth descent I asked her what she wanted. She said she needed to ask DH something. I told her to ask me. She again insisted that she just needed to ask him something. He stepped up behind me and told her to ask.

She asked if she could go to a concert tonight. She is 12. She said her friend-- someone we've never met--asked her to go to the Keith Urban concert tonight. Said she had an extra ticket and because this other girl is from Australia and she "knew him back there" that Keith gave her two front row tickets, was picking them up in a limo, then taking them backstage and then to an after party downtown. She is 12.

Even if any part of this other girl's story is even remotely true, she is 12. And it was already 7:00 PM. DD couldn't understand our confusion over this big invite at the last minute. She said this other girl she just met at camp is from Australia, living in foster care here, waiting to be adopted. DD was livid with us for saying no. She demanded to eat dinner at a different time than us [honestly, a relief for us]. She sincerely thought we would just say yes because it was "her first concert." I tried to explain to her that I wouldn't even let a 17-year old leave this house with that itinerary without knowing more information. When I asked who was the chaperone, she said the girl only had two tickets--no chaperone. Nothing made sense. She had no complete answers and no one called us to ask if this was OK--adult or child. So, is my DD just delusional? Is she the victim of a prank? Is this Aussie girl as messed up and these two damaged little girls found each other?

If I stretch my brain I maybe could imagine someone writing a letter to Urban about a poor Aussie orphan stuck here in Austin [how she got here, DD does not know] and him sending tickets, but the rest just seems so far fetched. Even if I read a headline tomorrow about the poor foster kid getting big attention from Urban in his limo, backstage, and at a party, I will not feel bad. At 7:00 PM on the night of the concert, with no real information, it just was not a real option for DD. Urban himself would have to knock on my door for me to possibly consider any of this valid. I am such a mean mom.

What Roller Coaster Ride...

2007-06-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

First she was staying for a month. Then they had it after one week, said they were sending her home. Then they couldn't find a flight for another week. Then a day before she was to leave, she asked if she could stay another week, and since they had a couple of good days, the grandparents said yes, asked us if it was OK, and changed her flight again. By 2:00 yesterday, they had a new flight and she had another week with them, and we had another week of peace. As soon as they changed her flight, she started acting out again, and at 11:00 PM last night, we found out they paid big bucks to fly her tail out of there at 6:00 today. Her flight arrives here in half an hour.

Then the grandparents called to de-pressurize by venting all her actions, telling me so many things that I already know and have expereinced for two years.

I had a real mixed reaction to news of her return. Part of me was bummed - I was looking forward to another week and we had plans with our son for tonight--plans that cannot happen now. Another part of me felt sadly vindicated--guilty vindication, but vindication none-the-less. I didn't say "I told you so" because they know that I gave them 20 ways out of their initial invitation to her. The benefit is that we now have a strong ally of support in getting her more intensive help. They realize that she has no clue of her impact on the world. No cause and effect. No empathy. No conscience. They realize what we have been trying to do for two years, and how futile it feels to get no where, and how it is time to let someone else who is specially trained try to help her.

We have a long way to go and a lot of hoops to jump through before we can actually get the help we (her therapist included) think she needs. Our first appointment with a Psychiatrist is June 28th. Should be interesting. Until then, we just have to muddle through and try not to get bogged down again in her tension and her drama.

It was a great two weeks.

Started a New Blog...

2007-06-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

One that is not a place for me to vent, but just a friendly place to post pics and family updates.

PipitonePics

So, now it holds pics from our recent vacation and from our backyard.

In the meantime, my dad called. Kaelyn's trip with them is coming to an abrupt end. She pushed all their buttons, broke all the rules, and stunned them with her defiance. Oh well, it was a quiet week here at home, and Tony actually hung out with us more than usual. It has been wonderful.

They learned that they cannot fly her out until next Saturday (several logistical reasons), so we get a little more peace-time at home. Then to decide what to do next. At least now there is someone else in the family that "gets it." I feel like we are sometimes having to defend our position with some family members who only see her ocassionally and think she is fine and that we are just over-reacting. While I know that this is sooooo common with RAD, it is still hard to swallow--hearing that someone you love thinks that you are being cruel to consider getting her help in a treatment center.

Hopefully one day this will all be behind us and we will be a happy little family.

Something to Celebrate

2007-05-25T17:51:00.001-07:00

Today was the last day of school for both my kids, but today was Tony's last day of Junior High. Much to his surprise, during an 8th grade assembly, he and four other kids were called out from the entire 8th grade class to go to the podium to receive The President's Education Awards Program for Outstanding Academic Achievement! (http://www.ed.gov/programs/presedaward/index.html) He was surprised, but did not fully understand why he got it, so he folded up the certificate, over and over, into a 2 x 2 square and shoved it into his pocket. This brings pain to any scrapbooker, but I am so proud of him. He finished the year with straight A s.

Earlier this week I met with his teachers and counselors to discuss his Freshman schedule. He is signed up for two Pre-AP courses -- Language Arts and World Geography, Latin, Math, Science, and Wrestling is his PE class for the last two hours of each day. He selected a career study path of Criminal Science--which was news to me. When the counselor asked if he wanted to be a detective or a cop, he said, "No, a lawyer." Again, a surprise. Last time I checked, he thought he might want to be a doctor or a chef! He is also exceling in his piano lessons and is so proud to be learning the theme song to Tim Burton's Corpse Bride. (Burton and Hayao Miyazaki are his favorite directors).

You may think - "Wow, his parents must really push him" but you would be wrong. These are all interests that Tony developed over the last couple of years--all on his own. After years of not wanting to join any teams, or take any extra-curricular lessons or activities, he asked if he could do wrestling. We had no idea where to even look for wrestling lessons, but a week later we got a card in the mail asking kids to join a team. He wrestled the last two seasons and last year was voted Most Improved by his coaches. Then less than a year ago he asked for piano lessons. We had him enrolled just days later, so excited about his new interest.

As for the AP/Pre-AP classes - he was moved to advanced Language Arts by his teachers this year, and they encouraged him to continue with it next year, even though it is not his favorite subject. Pre-AP World Geography is something he begged for--even after sitting through an orientation session where they talked about how much extra work it entailed, he was still so psyched, wanting to know if he could start reading something over the summer.

The Latin thing - well he figured if he learned Latin, he could pick up his father's native language, Italian, much better. Plus he liked that the Latin Club kids recruiting at orientation were dressed like Spartans and standing on a small scale chariot. He loves anything historical.

So now, this big, little man, who in the second grade we were being told needed to be in Special Ed and maybe evaluated for ADHD/ADD is exceling. All the fighting and advocating we had to do back then now feels so good. We fought the schools, got outside evaluations and therapy, and learned that he was highly intelligent (off the IQ charts in all analytical areas) and just learned differently. I would love to go back to that school in Washington State and show them now what they were so wrong about. They knew they had resource problems, admitted to it, but still kept whining that they did not have time to teach my kid. This was in Microsoft Millionaire land that they had no resources! But we now know that all the struggling and crying we did was so worth it.

It is seeing his success that gives me hope that maybe we can be as successful with our daughter. It is a bit harder with her, since SHE is the one we are fighting--or at least fighting her behaviors--but the hope is that by advocating for her, getting her the helps she requires, and accomodating some of her needs, that we can one day have a happy, healthy, creative, successful young woman in our lives.

23 Slides

2007-05-25T17:39:00.001-07:00

I stumbled on a PowerPoint presentation that gives a fairly succinct description of RAD's causes, symptoms, and treatments. There are speaker notes below the slides (scroll down a little) that tell more of the story. There is some comfort in knowing that we are not the only ones, but it doesn't really make it any easier.

http://members.tripod.com/~radclass/slide01.html

Not a great week...

2007-05-24T17:11:00.000-07:00

DD's therapist recommends that we send her to a residential treatment center (RTC) for 12-18 months. She also suggested we find one out of state.

Kind of a shocker. Part of me feels some relief, but a larger part of me feels great guilt.

We really don't have any other options. She needs help and we are not qualified to give it to her. She does not have the tools to help herself, and all studies show that she will get progressively worse as she gets older and untreated adults do not have great prospects either. If she needed brain surgery we would not try to fix it at home instead of sending her to a hospital for the fix and recovery.

Lately she yelled at us and told us that if we didn't like it, why didn't we just take her back to Foster Care. She can't even imagine what is at risk here. That is not a legitimate option anyway. Even if we wanted to take her back - 1) I could never live with that decision, 2) she would NEVER get the help she needs, probably never get another chance at adoption and just age-out at 18 with no skills, no help, and no family, and 3) we would be charged with child negligence for relinquishing her to the state. A real lose-lose situation.

Her therapist fears that she may get so frustrated that she could falsely accuse us of harming her--she already tells people how mean we are and how she hates us and she tells the school that we won't buy her things, or better, can't afford things, so they will feel sorry for her and buy her stuff out of their own pocket. She has done it multiple times. If she falsely accuses, CPS will take both kids, put them in foster care, press both civil and criminal charges, we will have to get two lawyers, pay big bucks to clear our name (though the stigma never goes away) and fight to get our kids back--especially Tony who would just be terrified and confused by the whole ordeal.
To get her into a RTC costs about $5K a month. We would need to get a loan for at least $60K. Yet another shock. I am exhausted from trying to research all of our options and absorbing all this information-hoping that maybe I can find some intensive out-patient options here, locally, but finding nothing.

We actually leave for a family vacation this Sunday, then my father and step-mom have offered to keep her for a few weeks afterwards, to give us a break and give us time to thoroughly research all of our options. Being with her 24/7 for a full week will be interesting at this stage in our relationship.

More when we return...

Oh and my camera is scheduled for delivery --two days after we leave for vacation. Not happy.

2007-05-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

This quote just really resonated with me today, so I had to capture it somewhere.

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places."
-- Ernest Hemingway

Finally! The correct diagnosis.

2007-05-17T20:37:00.001-07:00

It is not a pretty diagnosis. It is not one that can be cured with drugs or weekly therapy. But at least now we know what we are dealing with and maybe now, after wasting two years on the wrong labels, the wrong behaviors, the wrong treatments, and the wrong parenting styles--perhaps NOW we can begin to heal and to truly bond as a family.

RAD - Reactive Attachment Disorder is extremely prevalent in former foster kids, as well as institutionalized orphans around the world, but it was never mentioned in our girls chart. No, I was reading up on, and responding to the labels and meds she had when she arrived. Turns out she is not ADD, ADHD, Depressed, or Anxious. Now it all seems so obvious. When I read the list of symptoms/behaviors, it is so clear.

•Intense control battles, very bossy and argumentative; defiance and anger • Resists affection on parental terms • Lack of eye contact, especially with parents - will look into your eyes when lying • Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging • Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers • Poor peer relationships • Lies about the obvious • Lack of conscience - shows no remorse • Destructive to property, self and/or others • Lack of impulse control • Hypervigilant/Hyperactive • Learning lags/delays • Incessant chatter and/or questions • Inappropriately demanding and/or clingy • Food issues - hordes, gorges, refuses to eat, eats strange things, hides food • Very concerned about tiny hurts but brushes off big hurts • Parents appear hostile and angry • The child was neglected and/or physically abused in the first three years of life

I only removed 3 or 4 of the possible symptoms that do not apply to her. The rest cover her to a "t."

What do we do about it? We have to totally readjust our thinking and our parenting, which will not be easy since we have now built up a wall to protect ourselves from her behaviors. I have found support through a website forum filled with parents with similar issues and similar feelings and frustrations. Logically, I understand why she treats us the way she does, and logically I know that my anger is not a good response, but emotionally she exposes all of my fears and insecurities and I then operate from a base of fear, rejection, and pain, and not from a base of love; not as a loving parent. I will have to work very hard to try to overcome my personal feelings, and try to reconnect with her. My husband will, too.

The RAD therapies are intense, and I have not found a good referral for any local therapist specializing in RAD, so this may be more challenging than necessary. The treatment involves a lot of physical contact, and almost reverting our parenting as though we had an infant in our arms. Lots of cradling, holding, eye-contact, feeding by our hands, etc--all the things she apparently missed out on as an infant. Had we known her true disorder two years ago, before all the anger and hurt built up on both sides, this would have been much easier to attempt. I would have done anything for her in the beginning. I will need a lot of help to swallow my pride, let my defenses down, and put her needs before mine--knowing that initially she will go for the jugular, trying to push us away to validate her feelings of abandonment.

“Her smile was fake, like a piece of paper with a smile drawn on it had been glued to her face.” -Twisted, Laurie Halse Anderson

Party Barge

2007-05-09T17:22:00.000-07:00

Today my department took us out on a Party Barge on Lake Travis for an off-site gathering. It was a beautiful overcast day, so not too hot. We rode over to Devils' Cove and tied off on a cliff. They brought plenty of Rudy's BBQ and coolers full of beverages. It was so relaxing just floating out there, visiting with folks, and not sitting in a cubicle trying to keep up with demand. I am sure we will all pay the price tomorrow with a backlog of work, but it was well worth it. One guy actually lives on the lake, so he went home, got on his Jet Ski and followed the barge to the cove. Then he let anyone who wanted to, ride it all around the cove.

Normally, on weekends, holidays, all summer, and of course, Spring Break, that cove would be full of boats and barges all tied together with parties, music, bands, boooze, and a lot of boobs, so when they said we were going to Devils' Cove I was a bit surprised. But on a Wednesday afternoon before school gets out, we pretty much had the cove to ourselves. Made for a very nice afternoon.

Birthday - slash - Mother's Day

2007-05-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

So, do I mind that my birthday falls so close to Mother's Day each year? Nah, my family usually takes care of me just fine, but this year is especially exciting. My hubby spent weeks researching and found just the right deal for me! A new Canon EOS Rebel XT EOS350 8.0MP! The exciting news is that I can use my old Canon Rebel lenses and filters on the new digital. Plus the new one comes with several extras.

Besides the 18-55 MM lense and a battery, it comes with an additional 4GB CF Memory Card, an Extra Canon Li-ion Battery, a CF Card Reader, a Lens Cleaning Kit, a Deluxe Camera bag, and a Camera Tripod--I already have one, but an extra one can't hurt.

Now I just have to wait for it to arrive. Then maybe we will see some decent photos on this blog!

"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest."
--Larry Lorenzoni

Mama Mia

2007-04-28T16:10:00.000-07:00

What a fun way to end a hectic evening with friends!!

Thursday, after work, the plan was for the five of us to meet at a pricey little restaurant for wine and dinner, then carpool over to the play. On the way, one buddy got into a nasty fender bender [well it also bent her hood, her front left panel, etc.] but she was able to drive her vehicle to the restaurant and join us. My buddy is in a wheelchair and the crash made it almost impossible for her to get out of her car--the door not opening wide enough for her chair so she could transfer from the driver seat. The first twenty minutes or so of our limited dinner time was spent arranging for a tow-truck, calling her insurance, and figuring out how she would manage without a car for a couple of days (at least). Our waiter didn't want to give us a "tour of the menu" as he put it, until we could all listen to him. Ugh!

The play started at 8:00 and at 7:15 we still didn't have our dinner! By 7:20 the plates arrived, but then, so did the tow-truck and we tried to inhale our very pricey dinners, slam down our very tasty wine, get the car on the truck, pay the check, and load up into my car. Whew!

We arrived at the theater only to find no handicapped parking. Luckily they reserved the front walkway [large bricked surface] for overflow handicap parking. We got out, put the chair together, got my buddy unloaded and ran to the door of the theater, just as the lights started to flicker, indicating the play was about to start. We found our seats and the lights went out immediately after.

It took about 20 minutes, but once I let go and got lost in the musical, I started to have such a good time. You can't help but buck up seeing young men dancing in snorkel gear with flippers! It really was a fun production.

Afterwards, I drove everyone back to the restaurant for their cars, and drove my buddy home. Just to top off the evening (now 11:30 pm) my poor girlfriend realizes that in the chaos of the evening she gave the tow truck driver ALL of her keys! She was locked out. Fortunately, she has a friend who lives relatively close, who also had a key. So we woke her up, went to get the key, chatted with her briefly, headed back to my gal's home, then I finally headed home. I was exhausted, but all the while one refrain kept ringing in my head...

"You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life. See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen."
-- ABBA

Special Olympics

2007-04-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

In an effort to encourage my children to volunteer to help others and an effort to help them appreciate how capable they are to do anything they put their minds to, I signed up the whole family to volunteer at the regional Special Olympics today. My husband knew about this months ago. My son I told days ago. My daughter was suprised when we arrived at the stadium.

We, as a family, were assigned as timers for four of the eight track lanes for the 50-meter dash. Athletes of all sizes, ages, races, abilities, and gender ran in that event. It was nice to watch my kids get excited for the runner they were timing, and to see them cheer on all the athletes. It was nice to see them get comfortable with the athletes, instead of fearing or maybe even mocking them, [which I've never seen them do, and I would like to believe they never do, but they are in Junior High, so it is possible]. I'd like to think they learned something today about people with special needs and hopefully, about themselves. I did get in a few of my "moral of the story" points today, but you never know what they really absorb and what bounces right off of them.

So four hours later we were hot, tired, sunburned, and hungry, but hopefully a little more sensitive to what is possible in the world.

"History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats."
-- B. C. Forbes

Churning Butter

2007-04-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard the inspirational tale about the mouse that falls into a bucket of cream? He cannot get out. He is at risk of drowning but keeps trying to swim for so long that eventually he churns the cream into butter and survives.

I don't have butter yet, but I am churning and trying to keep my head above it all. I hope to be walking on butter soon.

My new job is great! I really do love it, but I am soooooo busy that the day just flies by and I am still swampped. I have been going in early and staying late trying to get in front of it all. It doesn't help that I am exhausted from my personal life as well.

I got back from Denton on Sunday. I worked until 8:00 on Monday. On Tuesday I had dinner with some old friends that I see about one or two times a year, and on Wednesday I attended a Happy Hour that I set up weeks ago in an effort to play cupid for a couple of single friends. [I don't think that I ever tried to set up anyone before.] Don't know if it was a "love connection' but they seemed to have a good time.

I look forward to a relatively quiet weekend at home with my family--the people I have seen very little of over the last seven days. I also look forward to catching up with the workload at my new job and getting to a normal pace. Oh, and sleep would be nice, too! Guess I should head to bed now...

"There is more to life than increasing its speed."
--Gandhi

Denton bound!!!

2007-04-11T19:16:00.000-07:00

Woo Hoo!!!

Twice a year I escape to a little house in Denton for a weekend of cropping (Scrapbooking) with some great friends. We first met in September 2004, through scrapbook.com. Over the years we've all moved along to other scrapbooking sites, always scheduling our bi-annual retreat. We ocassionally have new guests and maybe we miss one of our original gals, but we always have a great time.

We named ourselves The Firstborns! After several gatherings we discussed how well we all get along together, and we determined it could be because we are all firstborns who have always been responsible and done for ourselves. No one leaves messes for others. No one abuses or takes advantage of the others. We all work very well together and truly enjoy each others company.

It is a weekend full of laughs and lots of catching up. We have all been through numerous life changes since 2004, and have all supported each other through good times and hard times. It is a weekend of just being a "girl" again. We are not mom, or honey, or whatever. We just hang out in our PJs scrapbooking, talking and laughing. We clean up on Saturday night and hit a local eatery, but the rest of the meals are prepared or bought by us - each sort of sponsoring or hosting a meal. We always have tons of snacks and food left over.

The drive up there is usually when I start to relax. I love a good roadtrip. The drive home is always a bummer, but when I do get home, I am usually renewed and ready to step up to my roles again - roles of mommy and honey and co-worker and neighbor and ...

Ahhhhhhhhh..... Counting down to 4:30 tomorrow when I hit the road.

The mind should be allowed some relaxation, that it may return to its work all the better for the rest.
-- Seneca (4 BC - 65 AD)

It's not her fault!

2007-04-11T18:53:00.000-07:00

She was just swinging her new $1000 flute like a baseball bat, and nothing happened at first. But after a few times the headpiece flew off, hitting the wall, making a hole in the wall, and smashing the connecting end, rendering it useless.

This after a two week period where she got caught cheating on her homework, watching TV instead of doing homework, calling us from school again in the middle of the day, losing a purse, losing a lunchbox, writing on her jeans, etc. *sigh* Only six years to go...

Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too.
--Lionel Kauffman

Transition

2007-04-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

So when changing from a contract employee to a company-badged employee, you must take a day off inbetween the two positions for a transition. So I am thinking "Yeah! a day off!" Then I realize "DANG! The kids are out of school for Good Friday!" Not really a day off. :(

My hubby, realizing my stress level, working late every night while trying to close up my contract and get all my work done or transitioned to someone else, and while trying to hold back on the work already coming to me for my new position, stepped up and took my daughter to day camp today. Whew! My daughter is someone who needs a lot attention and really canot be left at home on her own--a large opportunity to get herself in trouble. My son will gladly entertain himself all day with video or computer games and I am free to go run those errands that you can only do during business hours, get all my packing done for my upcoming trip to Denton, and try to prepare for next week, which will surely be a whirlwind. Yeah hubby! Big points for you!

As for the new job, my new manager has been wonderfully pro-active. He already ordered a brand new computer for me, requested access to all their servers, ordered a new phone, and put me on his team's distribution list. I also attended a meeting last week for the new post. That is all cool, but then I was asked if I was ready to take on some of the new work. It was so hard to say no, but I did, in a very diplomatic way. I was also invited to a meeting on April 17th. I noticed other managers and acouple of Directors were also invited. Cool! Then I get another e-mail about an hour later telling me that I will be presenting at this meeting!!! On my progress on a project that I have not yet touched! Yikes. I will have been on the job 8 working days by then--first day is all orientation and paper work, and I am taking Friday off for Denton, so really 6 working days! Not too much stress there.

So, today, my day off, is errand, shopping, packing day. Too bad it is not Spa Day.

"Beginnings are always messy."
---John Glasworthy

Recommitted

2007-03-31T11:07:00.000-07:00

So back in October 2006 I started a new weight loss program with the help of a free website called Sparkpeople.com. I loved tracking how many calories I consumed daily and learning more about what I was really putting in my body. I easily lost 30 pounds, but then stagnated. I have not gained any of the weight back, but have not lost any more and I easily have another 30 -35 to lose, so TODAY I start again in earnest.

WICKED ~ ~ ~ ~

2007-03-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

OK! We yanked the kids out of school early on Wednesday and headed to downtown Houston to go see the musical "Wicked." It was absolutely fabulous -- as I expected-- but a surprise to my hubby and son. They enjoyed it so much more than they thought they might.

I don't know why, but anytime someone singing live in front of me hits a great note, or creates a beautiful harmony, my eyes well up with tears. This occurred numerous times last night. The show was funny, clever, and extremely entertaining.

Before the show, we stopped to eat at a downtown restaurant named Cabo "Mix Mex" Grill. While the Happy Hour atmosphere wasn't a perfect family setting, the food was incredible. The salsa was fresh with lots of cilantro and the plate I had, the Chicken DeCabo, is something I will crave for a long time.

On the way home today, we stopped to tour the Blue Bell Ice Cream factory in Brenham, where my children "joyfully" posed for me.

Her, in a whiney tone, "WhaaaAAaaat??"
Him, with a stern look, "The sign says not to touch it."

Then we stopped to take advantage of a Central Texas tradition--taking pictures in a field of BlueBonnets (The State Flower of Texas).

"Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements."

-- Elizabeth II

Give a girl a razor...

2007-03-26T19:44:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: Added photo on 3/29/2007

Ms. Thang, knowing Oh so Much more than me!! Shaved half her eyebrows off tonight!!! I should have taken a picture, but instead I exploded with disappointment in her ridiculous decision.

I asked her how many commercials or shows had she seen where a woman shaves her forehead. I asked her how often she heard conversations about ANYBODY shaving their eyebrows. She shaved down the middle from her nose to the middle of each eye.

She took another moment where I gave her an inch of trust, of responsibility and took off like a wild child with no guidance.

She no longer has a razor in her bathroom and I pity her for the ridicule that is sure to come tomorrow at school.

Growing up too fast!

2007-03-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

Some changes come gradually, and one day you finally notice. Others come so fast, that the extreme change is physically visible.

I taught Kaelyn how to shave her legs this weekend--something she has asked for since she was 10! She only cut herself twice - the dreaded knees and ankles--but overall did very well.

Tony grew so much this year that there are huge stretch marks across his back. Perhaps this is more common than I am aware, but I am curious as to how this will look as he gets older. He knew nothing about his back until we pointed it out.

While I am not quite ready for my kids to grow so quickly, I know that it is a very exciting time for each of them.

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

-- Anais Nin

Mixed emotions

2007-03-24T08:12:00.000-07:00

The first part of the process for accepting this new position was to fill out a criminal background check form online--which I did on Thursday night. Then on Friday I turned in my signed offer letter and headed to another location for the drug screening. Once all that was done, I returned to work to write my resignation letter.

Ideally I would have notified my consultant agency first, but I was so flabbergasted by the quandry of who to send my letter to, that I unfortunately skipped that vital step. Anyway, I submitted my well-crafted, gently worded resignation to four people--my previous three managers and their manager. I immediately received congrats from two, and heard nothing from the other two. Don't know if any will step up to coordinate an exit plan for me, so I may need to initiate that. I then forwarded the letter to some of my internal customers to let them know, and many stopped by to wish me well. One of the well-wishers is a co-worker who I have great respect for. He is incredibly intelligent, extremely dedicated, and always friendly and respectful to everyone. He is an extremely valuable asset to the company. I guess my resignation let him feel comfortable enough to vent on me his frustration with his work and his plans to leave. It was a bit discerning since I was just joining the company.

After work I headed to a Happy Hour with friends I used to work with at another company. One gal in particular also works for "Dell-ville" and has been cranking in the overtime hours, working weekends and nights for two years. She let me know that she submitted her resgination last week. She has no new job lined up. She is just exhausted and wants to take a break--mentally and physically. This is also an extremely dedicated person with a go-go, Type A personality. It was so out of character for her. This is a gal with no kids, who can work those types of hours without too much complications, and she is still overwhelmed.

Oh yeah - and while at the Happy Hour, I get a call from my Agency, confused about why someone is checking my employment history with them (the background search began). Very awkward moment. I completely forgot to let them know I was leaving. I felt like a schmuck--they have been so good to me.

So, while I am excited to become a badged employee of the company, I do know what I am getting myself into and need to be prepared to sell out to the company for at least a couple of years. Hopefully my experience won't be as painful as my friends, but currently, there is no telling.

So, talk about a mixed bag of emotions.

"Life is the sum of all your choices."
---Albert Camus

I got it!

2007-03-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

They low-balled the offer and for the first time in my life, I firmly pushed back--yet another new risk for me. It worked. They brought up the dollars. Whew!

I start April 9th, but was sure to also negotiate my previously scheduled days off, too! So I can still attend my First-Born crop in Denton on April 12th and my two separate vacations planned for this summer. [I think I have had a new job or was in transition to a new job at each of the Denton crops I attended. Not the way I envisioned my career.]

Now to give my notice. Since the latest re-org in my department, I now report to a little gray box on the org chart called TBD.--I report to a vacant position, which means I need to escalate up a level. That should be interesting.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
---Mark Twain

New Job Offer...

2007-03-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

Eeesh! Ever apply for a job then wonder if you really want it?

I applied for a job that I am absolutely 100% qualified for, but during the numerous interviews, the interviewers described a very different job--a much higher-level job with higher exposure, and higher responsibility. I faked my way through, answering the questions as best I could, ocassionally wondering if I should just throw up my hands and show my cards and be honest with them about my ability to successfully perform this job. I chose to stay strong and keep fighting for the job. That was weeks ago. I guessed I did not get it, and that was OK. I am happy with my current position.

Today, I surprisingly got a call from the hiring manager asking me to come in to talk. I was told the job was mine and that HR would discuss compensation in a separate conversation.

HR called, and while we talked pay, HR offered no numbers--today. Said I will get an official offer tomorrow. Accepting this job is a bit of a risk. It could be the best move of my career, or it could set me up to fail. If the money is right, I think I will take this risk. I think it is the right time.

"There is no security on this earth. Only opportunity."
--- Douglas Macarthur

What do I know? I'm just your mother.

2007-03-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

My son brought home a form for us to sign - a progress report of sorts, showing how he brought up his Social Studies grade from a surprising 70 to a 96. When we asked how he was able to pull it off he mumbled something about us taking away his X-Box 360, but then heard his father offer up something like "did you buckle down and study harder?" The bright boy then said, "Yeah, let's go with that one."

We have explained numerous times that our daughter cannot practice her flute and watch TV at the same time. Apparently she knows better. Tonight was the fourth time I walked in to find her TV on while she practiced. She quickly defended herself by blurting out, "I'm not watching. I have my back turned towards it. I am just listening to American Idol while I play."

The great communicator

2007-03-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

So last night, at dinner, I tried chatting with my kids.

I ask my daughter how her day went. "Fine."
I ask if she turned in her form. She looked at me totally lost by the question.
The form we signed for TAKS Academy. "Oh that's what that was?"
Yes, didn't you read it. "No."
Who did you turn it into? "The Attendance Office."
What?!?! Why? It was supposed to go to your teacher. "Well, she took it."

Turn to my son and ask how his day went. "Fine."
Did anybody say anything about your pony tail? (first time he wore one to school)
"Yeah, lots of people."
Cool - like who? "Some I knew, some I didn't"
OK - so the ones you did know - what did they say?
"Well, it was only people I didn't know."
What?
"Well, actually it was only one person and I didn't know him."
Well, what did he say.
"I don't remember."

Then I gave up on trying to have conversation during dinner.

Write Here. Right Now.

2007-03-19T20:57:00.000-07:00

OK - I give up. Here's my BLOG.

My hope is that I will diligently add to this blog, documenting my family's busy little life.

Write Here. Right Now.

Time for an update

New Meds

Latest Tactics

Intensive Outpatient

Belated update

Made an appointment

Service gap...

*sigh* New Diagnosis

Another phone call...

I hate this...

I got a call last night.

OK - she's in...

So while there is some validation from this experience...

Update on the Children's Home

"Consideration Visit" begins

One more day....?

Latest news on the Children's Home

Gosh I am tired

They lost it...

Happy Birthday to Me

Today's Headlines

In my home

Out of Nowhere

A New label

Adjusting the Atlas

Slowing the Mind

Latest Developments...

RAD making world news

Breakthrough?

More Disappointment

Cautious Hope

Cost of compliance

More and more and more...

The Roller Coaster Ride Continues...

What does a divorce feel like?

Picking Fights

Group Therapy/Parent Support Group

Life as usual?

God has a WICKED sense of humor

Drastic Move...

She's home

Is it worth it?

Kind of numb...

Tu Mama es LOCO!!!!

Patience is a virtue...

They called ME!!!

Oh the DRAMA...

Possible Hope

Getting nervous...

What says Summer to me??

Angie Tagged Me!

Progress...perhaps...

What Roller Coaster Ride...

Started a New Blog...

Something to Celebrate

23 Slides

Not a great week...

Finally! The correct diagnosis.

Party Barge

Birthday - slash - Mother's Day

Mama Mia

Special Olympics

Churning Butter

Denton bound!!!

It's not her fault!

Transition

Recommitted

WICKED ~ ~ ~ ~

Give a girl a razor...

Growing up too fast!

Mixed emotions

I got it!

New Job Offer...

What do I know? I'm just your mother.

The great communicator

Write Here. Right Now.

sigh New Diagnosis